I don't mind going slow but... [UPDATE: Worried about gf...]

[MrDuck]

Hey guys,

 

Fast facts are: I'm 23, my gf's 21. We work together, so I've spent 5 days a week with her for two years. We've been seeing each other since mid june, though we didn't tell people at work for a little while.

 

As for me: I've travelled since I was 16, really. Lived and worked on a game reserve in Africa for 2 years, came home when I was 21. I have an 6 year old son and I'm a sole parent, I've raised him by myself. We have a little house where we live with my two younger brothers. Urm, I have a full clean drivers license, I play rugby on sundays, and I hate Ice cream. That's probably me in a nutshell.

 

Which brings me on to her: She's wicked! She's funny (like me ), good looking (like me ), short fused (like me ).

But seriously she's everything I didn't even know I was looking for till I met her! Getting to know her was a slow process, people we work with probably find her a bit aloof or arrogant even, but they're way off the mark, she's a little shy and awesome sarcastic and selective when it comes to people. She's also incredibly passionate & hard working, captivating and one of the kindest, loyalist, most genuine people I know.

She's also amazing with my boy which is obviously important!

 

Overall our relationship has been going great. We get closer all the time and I'm a happy man.

I guess my question is: She has from the start been concerned about the speed of our relationship. Its not like we're moving fast, I promise that we're not.

This is a girl that to the outside eye comes across ballsy, scared of nothing, but I see a softer side. She was hesitant to tell people we were together, to say I love you, to stay the night. We've done all those things, but though she's stayed the night we haven't been more physical than a bit of soft making out and having a cuddle. Which is cool. I have no need to rush, I'm happy to go at whatever pace she needs..

My issue is, making her believe that. I'm more than happy going at 1mph, 20mph or 50mph as long as we're going forward I don't care. But every so often we kind of go in a circle where she pushes me away, backs right off and then always sites the reason that she's not ready to go any faster (whatever that may be in her mind at that moment i.e. me meeting more of her family or us being more physical) and that she knows (or feels) that's too slow.

Then I'll tell her as I do every time to forget what other people are doing when, we're happy so who cares, and we'll be alright again.

 

I don't mind going slow but... I don't know what to say to make her believe that.

[MrDuck]

Bumpedy bump

[Httm]

You've said I love you and have slept over, but nothing more than kissing? In 5 months? How many dates have you had?

[MrDuck]

You've said I love you and have slept over, but nothing more than kissing? In 5 months? How many dates have you had?

 

Pretty much, yeah..

 

Well I work with the girl so I see her all the time, dates wise: initially maybe average once a week, now, she'll stay at mine once or twice a week (she shares a room at hers), and sometimes I'll see her on our days off if they coincide.

Tons would be the short answer! Tons of dates!

[Httm]

You have to ask yourself:

 

1. Why have you not made any more moves starting 5 months ago?

 

2. Why didn't you immediately sit down and talk to her about it directly?

 

3. Why you have not done either of these two things every single month between then and now?

 

Maybe you are just not ready for an adult relationship if you haven't done either... A forum cannot help you. You need to learn to be a big boy and that is completely up to you!

[MrDuck]

1. Why have you not made any more moves starting 5 months ago?

1. Because she didn't want me too.

I've taken this relationship at her pace, I can't push her to do what she's told me she isn't comfortable with.

 

2. Why didn't you immediately sit down and talk to her about it directly?

Saying what exactly? I've told her time after time after time that i'm not going anywhere and i'll go at whatever her pace is.

 

3. Why you have not done either of these two things every single month between then and now?

For the same reason. If she's not ready, she's not ready. I can't click my fingers and make her feel differently.

 

 

Every relationship I've had pervious has moved quickly, been physical quickly and burnt out quickly. So yeah this has been a dry spell for me, but really love the girl and we've got a genuinely strong connection that didn't come just from sex.

Sure I want our relationship to progress to the next level, of course I do. I don't stake claim to being a relationship expert but I don't see that trying to be patient within a relationship is the same as being childish. I'm 23 and I've done a lot of living, I'm not 16.

[Httm]

Saying what exactly? I've told her time after time after time that i'm not going anywhere and i'll go at whatever her pace is.

 

Saying that while it is one thing to go slow, 5 months with literally nothing is not moving at all. What I just quoted says that you are saying to her that it is ok for her to continue this forever. Her pace may mean only ever cuddling and kissing. You are obviously NOT ok with that or else you wouldn't be here asking this question. So, which way is it?

 

What you need to do is have a sit down conversation where you ask her where she is, where she sees you going, and if she has any desire to have a real romantic relationship, which includes physical. Otherwise, all you have is a friendship. If so, you'll have to decide whether to stay in this friendship or move on.

 

For the same reason. If she's not ready, she's not ready. I can't click my fingers and make her feel differently.

 

This is 5 months when something should have happened by week 3. Either you can accept that this is ok with you forever or you need to have a sit down as outlined above.

 

Every relationship I've had pervious has moved quickly, been physical quickly and burnt out quickly. So yeah this has been a dry spell for me, but really love the girl and we've got a genuinely strong connection that didn't come just from sex.

 

You may love her, but she treats you as a friend only. This is not moving slowly. This is dead in the water and has been for months. You can't be her therapist and the way it is now is only a friendship.

 

 

Sure I want our relationship to progress to the next level, of course I do. I don't stake claim to being a relationship expert but I don't see that trying to be patient within a relationship is the same as being childish. I'm 23 and I've done a lot of living, I'm not 16.

 

This is not a relationship, according to any definition. This is a friendship and nothing more.

 

You have a decision to make. Be a man and talk to her as outlined before.

 

Have an open discussion about where she is now, where she sees you going, and if she has any desire to have an actual romantic relationship or just friendship. If you are unwilling to do this, then you really aren't mature enough to be in a relationship anyway, and a friendship will suffice.

[kismetkismet]

have you asked her WHY she needs to move slowly? This seems like it's more of a friendship than a relationship.. is she extremely religious, or does she have a past of abuse or of damaging relationships? Does the fact that you are already a parent maybe make her nervous about suddenly having to grow up more than she is ready for? 5 months is a long time for two adults to have absolutely no sexual contact when they are having sleepovers and have said I love you.. I would sit her down and ask her what it is that she's afraid of and why she wants to move so slowly.. what her goals are/where she sees you two in the future.. that sort of thing.

[joseb]

have you asked her WHY she needs to move slowly? This seems like it's more of a friendship than a relationship.. is she extremely religious, or does she have a past of abuse or of damaging relationships? Does the fact that you are already a parent maybe make her nervous about suddenly having to grow up more than she is ready for? 5 months is a long time for two adults to have absolutely no sexual contact when they are having sleepovers and have said I love you.. I would sit her down and ask her what it is that she's afraid of and why she wants to move so slowly.. what her goals are/where she sees you two in the future.. that sort of thing.

 

Yeah - this is pretty strange.

 

I can't imagine doing either of these things with someone I wasn't intimate with.

[mystikmind2005]

When a woman says she is 'not ready' that far into a relationship, it is code for not being all that much into you but hoping she will be in the future.

[maysj18]

I'm the kind of girl who takes it slow. Before I lost my virginity at 22 to my first long term boyfriend, I had dated two guys for several months each in my late teens and we had PG sleep overs all the time. After hanging out, we would just sleep over at each other's houses/dorms on the weekends. It was fun, but it was just cuddling and kissing. I didn't know it at the time, but my subconscious was holding me back (for good reason). One was a POS who I was trying to decode but finally just left; the other was just not a good fit. I thought I was just not ready, but it was because neither of them were right for me.

 

Now, I didn't give up my virginity at the drop of a hat to my ex either. It was a good 3 months before we had sex and that involved similar sleep overs. I just wanted to wait until we were official because that really would prove that it wasn't all about sex like it was with the previous guys.

 

So, some things to consider OP. Definitely talk to her about her feelings. My ex truly understood why I was wanting to wait and never made me feel pressured at all; I appreciated that so much. Not saying you make her feel pressured- just pointing out that she probably has a story to tell.

 

Also, dating has changed considerably so in no way is her pace indicative of her lack of interest. Our age group moves fast in ways other generations never did, but our overall values may be similar. Sleep overs, Netflix, etc. are all normal dates for young people even at the beginning- especially in college. This doesn't mean that sex is automatically on the table though.

[joseb]

Sleep overs, Netflix, etc. are all normal dates for young people even at the beginning- especially in college. This doesn't mean that sex is automatically on the table though.

 

maybe for some, not for most I think! :

 

Urban Dictionary: netflix and chill

[Tribble]

maybe for some, not for most I think! :

 

Urban Dictionary: netflix and chill

 

I think the point is though that it doesn't have to be. I've heard many times on this forum that you don't go round to someones house to watch a movie if you aren't ready for sex. And that's kinda sad. Sure sex is fun and you want to do it with someone you're interested in but just because someone wants to take things slow doesn't mean they aren't interested. It's nice to get to know someone in a private setting without the pressure, especially if you aren't ready.

 

 

In your case OP, it's worth a sit down conversation. Scary and awkward yes, but worth it. Of course you can fall in love without sex. It might not happen for everyone but it's fantastic you're basing a relationship on something other than sex. But it's clearly not an easy situation for you so you need to understand it. Why does she want to take things so slow and what is she waiting for? Until she feels ready? Moving in? Marriage? Understanding that will make it easier for you. But don't hold her to a specific time either. She has to be ready and that is something you work towards together. You also have to regard the possibility that she might never be ready.

 

 

People may not understand your situation and they might not be happy in your situation either, but that doesn't make it any less a real relationship.

[Glitters]

I go with the fact that she has some story to tell. What that is, could be huge for for but could be nothing for you. Does it seem that she is holding something from you ( except the sex ). Which she is not holding back but probably keeping self control ( just as you are ).

 

Are you judgmental? Could be that she is scared to tell you something about her past in fear of being judged?

 

If she is everything you wanted , try bring vulnerable yourself first and see if she opens up?

 

What are you looking for further ? Long term relationship or marriage ? It could be that you both are wanting different things in the end? Girls usually want marriage.

[MrDuck]

Httm:

This is not a relationship, according to any definition. This is a friendship and nothing more.

You know take me back a couple of years, and have a guy ask me the same question and I'd of probably answered similarly to you!

But I think now defining a relationship purely by whether your having sex is a narrow view to hold.

I'm a guy. She's hot. Of course I'd like to have sex. But I'd actually still rather not be having sex with her than banging some girl from a bar. There is more to a relationship than just that and the relationship we have is worth that to me.

If she was to kiss another guy for example, she'd break my heart a little, and I might break his noes a little, and you just don't do that for a friend, we are so much more than friends! This is a girl I can actually see myself settled down with (or not settled down and growing old disgracefully with), either way I picture her in my future.

 

 

Saying that while it is one thing to go slow, 5 months with literally nothing is not moving at all. What I just quoted says that you are saying to her that it is ok for her to continue this forever. Her pace may mean only ever cuddling and kissing. You are obviously NOT ok with that or else you wouldn't be here asking this question. So, which way

is it?

No of course. I'm not a monk and I don't want to abstain. I don't really see it like that though. I do agree we've stalled a little, I do agree maybe I need to have a chat to get things on track. But I've never seen it as a permanent situation, she doesn't strike me as 'sex is off the table' kinda girl. I'm kind of surprised we're this far along, cause she's not that type, she's very matter of fact.

[MrDuck]

When a woman says she is 'not ready' that far into a relationship, it is code for not being all that much into you but hoping she will be in the future.

See in the past I've been lazy with relationships, I've probably been a bad boyfriend on that account and this is probably one of the first relationships that I can look at and think that I'm a good boyfriend!

 

 

In the past I've pretty much left it up to girls to chase or show attraction and never really thought too much about it.

My gf now isn't one to do the chasing, we always got on and had tons of banter at work but I would never of realised she liked me if it wasn't for mutual friends and people at work telling me like "she's really into you" and the like.

 

 

She'd tell you I made the first move, which I did, but I already knew she had a thing for me, and I certainly don't get any vibes that she's less into me now?

I know it seems weird to say when we're not progressing much in a physical sense. But I feel like me and her get closer all the time, I don't feel like she's backing off (except for periodically when she gets het up about the speed of our relationship)

[joseb]

(except for periodically when she gets het up about the speed of our relationship)

 

It seems like you are being very accommodating with regards to the speed of the the relationship.

So I'm not sure why she us getting het up about it.

 

A friend of mine was in a similar situation before, I think It was 9 months before they had sex. They were together alost a year and had sex twice. In the end he finally lost patience. Not saying this is what will happen, but it's possible

[salparadise]

She was hesitant to tell people we were together, to say I love you, to stay the night. We've done all those things, but though she's stayed the night we haven't been more physical than a bit of soft making out and having a cuddle. Which is cool. I have no need to rush, I'm happy to go at whatever pace she needs..

 

My issue is, making her believe that.

 

1. Because she didn't want me too.

I've taken this relationship at her pace, I can't push her to do what she's told me she isn't comfortable with.

 

 

This is weird. Is she a virgin princess or something? Basically, you are subjugating all of your needs and investing in whatever breadcrumbs she's willing to toss you... which isn't much... and thinking that she will be so appreciative that she'll be eternally yours? That may seem like a sweet little fantasy, until some swashbuckling dude comes along and bangs her right under your nose.

 

You are so enamored with the mere possibility of having a full relationship with her someday that you're willing to follow her around like a puppy for some indeterminate amount of time? My opinion is that you need to be a lot more concerned about what you want/need and take some control over your life. There is something dysfunctional about her continued reticence after five months.

 

If I were you I'd have the talk that you're talking about... and tell her that while you really value her friendship, you need a girlfriend... and since this doesn't seem to be going anywhere, that you intend to start dating and having sex. In other words, you need to pull a 180 on this princess let the chips fall where they may.

 

Subjugating doesn't win you respect. She's probably sitting around thinking what a schmuck you must be to keep following her around and getting virtually nothing. It's like you're pussy whipped, but without the pussy.

[Glitters]

salparadise, you missed the entire gist of OP.He doesnt want to do wham bham thankyou mam.

 

When one sees a long term potential, it IS the wise thing to go slow and take other's comfort level in perspective. Hence the word : 'partner'.

 

This sounds like an ultimatum, which , in most cases dont end well.The best relationships are which are formed before sex.Sex is then just a part of it, not IT.

[MrDuck]

have you asked her WHY she needs to move slowly?...I would sit her down and ask her what it is that she's afraid of and why she wants to move so slowly.. what her goals are/where she sees you two in the future.. that sort of thing.

In your case OP, it's worth a sit down conversation. Scary and awkward yes, but worth it.

Okay. So we'll have a chat when I see her next. My concern is I've never brought up 'when' or 'how long', I haven't put pressure on this whole time I've simply told her until she's ready. I don't want to come across like I'm backtracking and pressuring her.

I feel like that would be a bad move. I also feel like its become important to be over the last 5 months that now when we have sex I want her to totally be in that head space where she wants it as much as I do. Probably wouldn't ever of mattered to me before. But I don't want her to just feel she has too.

 

 

Is she extremely religious

Nope

does she have a past of abuse or of damaging relationships?

Not that I'm awear of. She's from a nice family, close, look out for each other. I believe she's had 2 boyfriends previously, not mega long term things and broke up with the last one when she was 17.

 

 

Does the fact that you are already a parent maybe make her nervous about suddenly having to grow up more than she is ready for?

I wouldn't of thought so, she hasn't said that to me. She's mature for her age (definitely the 'sensible adult' in our relationship ) and she's great with Bodhi, he loves her, and I see her with him and I think what a great mum she'll be one day.

 

 

It's nice to get to know someone in a private setting without the pressure, especially if you aren't ready.

Yeah I don't mind this because I don't feel like there's much authentic about sitting down with someone in a restaurant or a bar night after night, its nice occasionally. But I don't think you see the real persona as much as in your own environment or getting outdoors in the big wide world together.

 

Why does she want to take things so slow and what is she waiting for? Until she feels ready? Moving in? Marriage? Understanding that will make it easier for you. But don't hold her to a specific time either. She has to be ready and that is something you work towards together. You also have to regard the possibility that she might never be ready.

You're right, I don't know what she's waiting for. I don't know what it takes to feel ready, so I can't really help her with it.

 

People may not understand your situation and they might not be happy in your situation either, but that doesn't make it any less a real relationship.

Thank you!

 

 

I go with the fact that she has some story to tell. What that is, could be huge for for but could be nothing for you. Does it seem that she is holding something from you ( except the sex ). Which she is not holding back but probably keeping self control ( just as you are ).

To an extent. I mean my take on the girl is she's more than a little shy and no one realises that cause she does a pretty awesome job covering it up with this heart-of-stone, tough-as-nails, miss independent persona.

She's not like that though, she's got a heart of gold. She has got some big walls built up but I do get to see a different side when its just the two of us.

 

Are you judgmental? Could be that she is scared to tell you something about her past in fear of being judged?

Not at all. I'm sure there's nothing she could of done that I haven't done worse

 

If she is everything you wanted , try bring vulnerable yourself first and see if she opens up?

She is. Vulnerable like?? I think I'm pretty much an open book (people tend to know what's happening in my life before I do)

 

What are you looking for further ? Long term relationship or marriage ? It could be that you both are wanting different things in the end? Girls usually want marriage.

I want a future together. I could seriously marry the girl (Or I could not marry her and run away live on a desert island with her, kidding!). I know like, I feel like I want be there with her wherever life takes her, I want to be the first name on her speed dial and the guy she comes home to and I want to hear about her day.

She wants marriage, and 3 kids (she also wants a couple of dogs, an open fire place, and she's taken a liking to my parrot!) we've talked about this..

[MrDuck]

It seems like you are being very accommodating with regards to the speed of the the relationship.

So I'm not sure why she us getting het up about it.

I think so too!

I think she has in her head a timeline of where we should be and cause we're not on schedule because she's not ready, she seems to think I'm going to walk. It's not me putting the pressure on, she puts it on herself.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation before, I think It was 9 months before they had sex. They were together alost a year and had sex twice. In the end he finally lost patience. Not saying this is what will happen, but it's possible

Do you know why she held out that long?

 

 

This is weird. Is she a virgin princess or something?

She's so not though! Like if you met her, you wouldn't think this post could be about her. She's so can-do, matter of fact, practical, no-nonsense.

That may seem like a sweet little fantasy, until some swashbuckling dude comes along and bangs her right under your nose.

I'm not so arrogant as to say she wouldn't leave me but I do know enough about her that I think the world would stop spinning if the girl cheated on me. Maybe i'm wrong. Could be. But she's the loyalist person I think I've ever let. I admire that so much. I trust her with my life. She makes me a better man because In that regard I want people to look at me like I look at her. I want her to be a to be able to trust me as much as I trust her.

You are so enamored with the mere possibility of having a full relationship with her someday that you're willing to follow her around like a puppy for some indeterminate amount of time?

I see that. I mean, not like puppy, that suggests I'm whipped and I do everything she says, which isn't our dynamic. But your right in a sense, I am waiting for her. Not to say I don't love what we've got. and not to say that we haven't built something real something real and solid without sex but I am waiting for her.

Not just sex but I want to meet more of her family and stuff like that.

 

If I were you I'd have the talk that you're talking about... and tell her that while you really value her friendship, you need a girlfriend... and since this doesn't seem to be going anywhere, that you intend to start dating and having sex. In other words, you need to pull a 180 on this princess let the chips fall where they may.

She's walk before I finished talking. I know what she's like, if I gave her an ultimatum she'd do the opposite just because if given her an ultimatum.

Plus like now I've waited 5 months I want her to really want to move forward, not do it cause she has too. I don't really want to be getting girls into bed with ultimatums?

Edited November 4, 2015 by MrDuck

[Glitters]

It could be that she knows that you havent been a good boyfriend in the past and might do the same to her and are being nice now just because you havent had sex yet?

 

Apart from that, since you really her love and so does she. Let love take its own course. one has to nudge here and there otherwise it will fade out.

 

Its not everyday that one comes across the right person.Sometimes its late in life but even then one must grab the opportunity because you never know !

[maysj18]

I think so too!

I think she has in her head a timeline of where we should be and cause we're not on schedule because she's not ready, she seems to think I'm going to walk. It's not me putting the pressure on, she puts it on herself.

 

Do you know why she held out that long?

 

 

 

She's so not though! Like if you met her, you wouldn't think this post could be about her. She's so can-do, matter of fact, practical, no-nonsense.

 

I'm not so arrogant as to say she wouldn't leave me but I do know enough about her that I think the world would stop spinning if the girl cheated on me. Maybe i'm wrong. Could be. But she's the loyalist person I think I've ever let. I admire that so much. I trust her with my life. She makes me a better man because In that regard I want people to look at me like I look at her. I want her to be a to be able to trust me as much as I trust her.

 

I see that. I mean, not like puppy, that suggests I'm whipped and I do everything she says, which isn't our dynamic. But your right in a sense, I am waiting for her. Not to say I don't love what we've got. and not to say that we haven't built something real something real and solid without sex but I am waiting for her.

Not just sex but I want to meet more of her family and stuff like that.

 

 

She's walk before I finished talking. I know what she's like, if I gave her an ultimatum she'd do the opposite just because if given her an ultimatum.

Plus like now I've waited 5 months I want her to really want to move forward, not do it cause she has too. I don't really want to be getting girls into bed with ultimatums?

 

OP- do NOT take the advice your being given. This bread crumb bull**** insinuates that she is playing games, but it's very possible that is not what she's doing at all. Read what I wrote on the first page. I never, ever played games with these guys..I was just genuinely not ready. Even now that I'm no longer a virgin, my views on sex haven't changed. It takes me a long time to trust someone enough to have sex with them because of all these convoluted views on sex (see above, for instance). It's unnerving to see men telling other men to lay down ultimatums and what not because that is exactly the kind of behavior that has made me so overprotective of myself. I'm not some "princess" or religious nutjob- it's just a struggle fighting that overwhelming pressure to put out on top of trying to determine if the man is genuine in the first place.

 

Just for the record, I also don't think these norms go easy on men either. Here you are being told this girl has absolutely no interest in you because she's not putting out after a few months. Guys telling you to give ultimatums, instructing you to purposefully screw with her head because she's obviously playing with yours....when no, she's not. She very well may be going through her own little quandary about you.

 

So yeah, just please talk to her like a rational adult. Don't pull these ultimatums or mind games. If you're dying for sex, then she may be too reserved for you. However, it seems you're just genuinely wondering why she doesn't want to have sex yet.

Edited November 4, 2015 by maysj18

[GunslingerRoland]

Here is how I see it... you've only been dating 5 months, so yeah maybe it isn't that slow for not having had sex... BUT you saw that much of each other for 2 years prior to that. Even though you weren't dating it still counts for something. You guys aren't getting to know each other anymore, she knows you as well as she can. If she isn't sure about her feelings about you yet, you need to pin her down and see if she's wasting your time.

[lil hoodlum]

we haven't been more physical than a bit of soft making out and having a cuddle.

 

 

I don't mean to sound rude MrDuck but you are like her best gay friend, except that you are straight.

 

 

 

a bit of soft making out?

In 5 months time?

 

Sorry my friend, I don't think she is romantically interested in you. Seriously I have made out and groped women on first dates more that you have done in 5 months.

 

 

If she was really interested in you in a romantic or more than a platonic way, the two of you would be more intimate than a bit of soft making out.

 

 

I also agree with salparadise, I think she is unsure of you and may be using you as a place holder until someone who really does it for her comes along and sweeps her off of her feet. When this guy comes along, her walls will come down and she won't be taking it so slow.