Do dumpers expect NC even when they offer to remain friends?

November 2, 2015

When a person dumps you, do they expect they will never hear from you again after the break-up when you don't agree to remain friends, or is it something that hits them later on months after??

Often times, I really wonder if my ex truly meant when she said she wanted me to remain a part of her life when she broke up with me. I don't know if she really was sincere when she said she wanted me to be friends and still have contact. I did at the time, but now that we've gone our own ways and haven't heard from her since, I don't know if that was true.

November 2, 2015

When a person dumps you, do they expect they will never hear from you again after the break-up when you don't agree to remain friends, or is it something that hits them later on months after??

Often times, I really wonder if my ex truly meant when she said she wanted me to remain a part of her life when she broke up with me. I don't know if she really was sincere when she said she wanted me to be friends and still have contact. I did at the time, but now that we've gone our own ways and haven't heard from her since, I don't know if that was true.

I was with my ex girlfriend for a year and a half. Our relationship went sour and she dumped me. She said she wanted me to still be apart of her life and still be friends. I told her maybe down the line, but I have to NC her and get over this pain, get over you, and once I did then we can be friends. After a year of NC I contacted her and she stated how she missed me, wanted us to be friends, hang out, etc. I told her I am not sure about hanging out as she was in a relationship and I don't think us being friends in that aspect is what I want. She has never contacted me on her own unless I contacted her first. If I never send her a text message saying how is she, I would never hear from her. As of matter of fact, last text message I sent her was a couple of months ago and I have not heard from her since.

With that backstory being said, I believe that dumpers still want to be friends with their ex's unless the ex was a physically and/or emotionally abusive person. However, they just want their cake and eat it too as they place you from being in a relationship with you to not wanting to lose you from their life as they want all the good things you brought into the relationship but still want to have a relationship with another person while having you as a friend. This makes them feel less guilty about ending it, makes them not grief at all since they still have you, and feel like they have everything they need. This is why I would never be friends (as in hanging out, talking, giving advice etc.) with an ex unless they are currently single.

For the first part of your question, they do accept that it may happen that they may never hear from you again when you choose not to be friends and go NC, but they hope you can change your mind eventually. After a couple of months of NC then it really hits them that they might have lost you as a person for good, but at the same time it is something they accepted would happen and are fully content with going through with their decision. There is a reason they dumped you in the first place and that is because they did not want to be with you. Friends come and goes, and while you might have been good friends while a couple, it is not the same as good friends whose never been together or want to be. Those good friends are hard to replace, but good friends in relationships are not.

November 2, 2015

I was with my ex girlfriend for a year and a half. Our relationship went sour and she dumped me. She said she wanted me to still be apart of her life and still be friends. I told her maybe down the line, but I have to NC her and get over this pain, get over you, and once I did then we can be friends. After a year of NC I contacted her and she stated how she missed me, wanted us to be friends, hang out, etc. I told her I am not sure about hanging out as she was in a relationship and I don't think us being friends in that aspect is what I want. She has never contacted me on her own unless I contacted her first. If I never send her a text message saying how is she, I would never hear from her. As of matter of fact, last text message I sent her was a couple of months ago and I have not heard from her since.

With that backstory being said, I believe that dumpers still want to be friends with their ex's unless the ex was a physically and/or emotionally abusive person. However, they just want their cake and eat it too as they place you from being in a relationship with you to not wanting to lose you from their life as they want all the good things you brought into the relationship but still want to have a relationship with another person while having you as a friend. This makes them feel less guilty about ending it, makes them not grief at all since they still have you, and feel like they have everything they need. This is why I would never be friends (as in hanging out, talking, giving advice etc.) with an ex unless they are currently single.

For the first part of your question, they do accept that it may happen that they may never hear from you again when you choose not to be friends and go NC, but they hope you can change your mind eventually. After a couple of months of NC then it really hits them that they might have lost you as a person for good, but at the same time it is something they accepted would happen and are fully content with going through with their decision. There is a reason they dumped you in the first place and that is because they did not want to be with you. Friends come and goes, and while you might have been good friends while a couple, it is not the same as good friends whose never been together or want to be. Those good friends are hard to replace, but good friends in relationships are not.

So out of curiosity, why did you contact her when you went an impressive year without? In hindsight, did you regret doing so?

It's funny because although I think it's far worse to be in one of those situations where an ex contacts you post-breakup, but only does so by sending breadcrumbs, I still can't help but feel that going NC all the way through since day 1, must mean that she never really had any significant feelings for me.

November 2, 2015

So out of curiosity, why did you contact her when you went an impressive year without? In hindsight, did you regret doing so?

It's funny because although I think it's far worse to be in one of those situations where an ex contacts you post-breakup, but only does so by sending breadcrumbs, I still can't help but feel that going NC all the way through since day 1, must mean that she never really had any significant feelings for me.

I contacted her because I felt I was over her. I could look at her profile picture on facebook with her and her boyfriend and honestly just wish them well. I had a relationship during that 1 year NC so when that ended I thought more of my current ex than her so I felt why not be friends with her. Do I regret it? No. I do not because I accepted a while ago that we will probably never be together again and moved on with my life.

With the second part, I told her flatly before I started NC that I loved her, missed her, wanted her, but I know she chose someone else over me and it hurts. For me to heal and get over you, I cannot talk to you. She understood and would still send me breadcrumbs but I refused to answer them because I knew if I did then nothing will change. Unless she ever sent me a message stating I want to be with you again, which she did not, then there was no reason for me to go talk to her unless I knew I was perfectly comfortable doing so and not care about the fact that shes not in my life anymore. I did not just go NC out of nowhere with no explanation. I let her know my reasons which is why when I broke it and contacted her she was excited and happy that I did so rather than think and question that I never really had true feelings for her or feel indiferent.

November 2, 2015

ShocK148: I see.... Yes, that makes sense. I did the same exact thing as you. I declined to remain friends with her when she asked to several times on the day of the breakup because I could never view her as just a 'friend.' So, she knew the reason behind my NC.. I also told her if she changed her mind, to contact me. So, I left the door open in some ways, although, with the passing of time, I don't feel as strongly anymore.

November 2, 2015

ShocK148: I see.... Yes, that makes sense. I did the same exact thing as you. I declined to remain friends with her when she asked to several times on the day of the breakup because I could never view her as just a 'friend.' So, she knew the reason behind my NC.. I also told her if she changed her mind, to contact me. So, I left the door open in some ways, although, with the passing of time, I don't feel as strongly anymore.

It sucks trust me. To this day I still have thoughts about her and our past relationship and how it could have worked. However, everything happens for a reason and sometimes people come into your life to teach you something and not necessarily because they are the one you are suppose to spend the rest of your life with. Every passing day that goes by the door closes more and more but just work on yourself, heal, and next thing you know you will find another woman with a strong connection that you had with her.

November 2, 2015

It sucks trust me. To this day I still have thoughts about her and our past relationship and how it could have worked. However, everything happens for a reason and sometimes people come into your life to teach you something and not necessarily because they are the one you are suppose to spend the rest of your life with. Every passing day that goes by the door closes more and more but just work on yourself, heal, and next thing you know you will find another woman with a strong connection that you had with her.

Man, I really like the way you put that It's a very helpful way of looking at things. I still think about her and how it didn't have to end. I know every dumpee says these things, but I really felt that our R/S was special and she was 'the one' at the time. You're so money when you say sometimes things happen for a reason to teach us a lesson. I still wish she would come back, but having said that, I've just recently accepted that it's over and hopefully, I'll find someone better. It's only been very recent that I've now started going out again and really trying to meet other girls. I didn't have that drive or thought during the first 3 months.

November 2, 2015

I think what "friends" really means is that they want you:

to maintain a cordial civility with them
to effortlessly embrace their vision of your relationship
to keep the new boundaries that they've erected

Not many dumpers want you to be their actual "friend." More like FB friends or casual acquaintances, and I think the motivation is so they can tell their real friends "oh, we broke up, but we're still friends" which is a veiled way of saying "see how great people think I am?"

November 2, 2015

Man, I really like the way you put that It's a very helpful way of looking at things. I still think about her and how it didn't have to end. I know every dumpee says these things, but I really felt that our R/S was special and she was 'the one' at the time. You're so money when you say sometimes things happen for a reason to teach us a lesson. I still wish she would come back, but having said that, I've just recently accepted that it's over and hopefully, I'll find someone better. It's only been very recent that I've now started going out again and really trying to meet other girls. I didn't have that drive or thought during the first 3 months.

That's awesome because that means you are definitely healing. I am positive you will find someone soon and even if that person might not be the one, I know you will have plenty of fun. Who knows, it could be the one though. It's like the lottery commercial...Hey you never know.

November 2, 2015

I think what "friends" really means is that they want you:

to maintain a cordial civility with them
to effortlessly embrace their vision of your relationship
to keep the new boundaries that they've erected
Not many dumpers want you to be their actual "friend." More like FB friends or casual acquaintances, and I think the motivation is so they can tell their real friends "oh, we broke up, but we're still friends" which is a veiled way of saying "see how great people think I am?"

You're right. What I don't get, though, is how this whole 'remaining friends' thing is so over blown? Almost everyone who gets dumped never agrees to remaining friends with their dumper, and even IF they do, it's only for a short period of time. So, why is it such a big topic, when we all agree to this?

November 2, 2015

I think what "friends" really means is that they want you:

to maintain a cordial civility with them
to effortlessly embrace their vision of your relationship
to keep the new boundaries that they've erected
Not many dumpers want you to be their actual "friend." More like FB friends or casual acquaintances, and I think the motivation is so they can tell their real friends "oh, we broke up, but we're still friends" which is a veiled way of saying "see how great people think I am?"

Haha this is making me laugh so hard. This is exactly my ex hording all her ex boyfriends. They even came up to me and ask me how she is doing. Hahaha, how pathetic. Well guess who's not adding up in that line? Me!

November 2, 2015

You're right. What I don't get, though, is how this whole 'remaining friends' thing is so over blown? Almost everyone who gets dumped never agrees to remaining friends with their dumper, and even IF they do, it's only for a short period of time. So, why is it such a big topic, when we all agree to this?

Probably because you never understand how difficult it is until you become a grieving dumpee. Even then, it can seem like a better option than NC, at least until you try it for a while.

November 2, 2015

Probably because you never understand how difficult it is until you become a grieving dumpee. Even then, it can seem like a better option than NC, at least until you try it for a while.

So Mightycpa with your ex, did you remain friends with the person or no? If not initially, are you friends on facebook and cordial to this person to this day?

November 2, 2015

So Mightycpa with your ex, did you remain friends with the person or no? If not initially, are you friends on facebook and cordial to this person to this day?

Only one out of six. We went to her house for Christmas last year, and I include her in a circle of old and dear friends. That said, we rarely speak spontaneously, it's always planned around the activity of that group of people, although whenever I see her, it's like no time has passed. We have a genuine, playful affection for each other, but it's not romantic love. It's never awkward, never tentative. I think that's a genuine friendship.

As for the others, I bear no ill will, and I wasn't always the dumpee. But life goes on and things get busy, and we all take different paths that don't necessarily allow for the indefinite continuation of all of our old relationships. The new often replaces the old.

I felt bad for me, NC.
I just wanted to get away, NC.
I was indifferent either way, NC.
That's the one I'm in touch with
I felt bad for her, NC.
No remaining interest, NC.

I think how much you actually loved somebody while you were with them, and what the end was like comes into play too. A couple of them cheated on me at the end, and while I don't care now, it does skew the direction of the of the breakup.

I guess I'm just a NC kind of guy.

November 2, 2015

I became "friends" with my ex, and had no problems doing it... 10 years down the line. And even then, when she was married and had children of her own... There was still something there, it was minuscule, but it was there. Of course, at the time, it didn't really occur to me. And that's probably why I pulled out one of our old photo albums, just for the sake nostalgia. But it had an affect on her, and I haven't seen her much since.

So to answer your question, yes, it's possible. MANY years down the line, and even then, something will be there.

November 2, 2015

I really believe that if there was a genuine love for each other, there is always something there no matter how long it has been since seeing each other. With one of my ex girlfriends, I met reconnected with her and we saw each other/hung out for the first time after 5 years. We had a good time and we both were single so we started flirting and made out. Ever since that day she has been really distant towards me. With my other ex girlfriend every time I would text her when I decided to stop NC, she would text me back within the same day. She is currently in a relationship while I was not but I was dating and seeing someone. She asked who so and so was that I kept mentioning in one of our conversations about a month later and I told her "the woman that I am currently seeing at the moment." Ever since then she has been distant with me as well as even though I barely ever texted her before, she would respond almost right away. Now I text her asking how she is doing and sometimes I hear nothing from her at all and other times she responds 3 days later. I do not know if there is a correlation but I think there is.

November 2, 2015

I don't see why anyone would actually want to remain friends with an ex. I mean ok it's fine to be amicable, and if there are children involved it's great to be on "friendly" terms. But I would never have an ex as a friend, I just don't see the point at all.

November 2, 2015

I don't see why anyone would actually want to remain friends with an ex. I mean ok it's fine to be amicable, and if there are children involved it's great to be on "friendly" terms. But I would never have an ex as a friend, I just don't see the point at all.

I agree!

I also think that most of the time, people don't remain friends with their ex's, so I don't get why it's even debatable. I've been dumped and been the dumpee at the same time. The times I've dumped someone, I've offered being friends with my ex, and genuinely meant it in the very beginning. But very soon after, I've looked back and said to myself, it would have been really awkward if the person I dumped agreed to being friends with me. I've only had one instance where one of my ex's tried reaching out to me in the beginning and I felt very awkward and uncomfortable responding back. I lost complete and utter respect for her as harsh and mean as that may sound. The times when I've been dumped, I've never agreed to remaining friends and always maintained NC because I've always thought about it from the perspective of how I felt when I dumped someone. I've always come away with the belief that them offering to remain friends was only out of their own sheer guilt and nothing more. The whole notion that 'I still want you to be a part of my life, because you've meant so much to be' is just a bunch of bull****.

There are times when I wondered if my most recent ex would ever come back to me. I wondered if I contacted them or bumped into them and said the perfect set of words whether or not things may have changed. But I would always catch myself and think about the times where I've dumped my previous ex's and I remembered how I felt at the time and I quickly snap out of it. Ultimately, if you've been dumped there is NOTHING you can do to change the outcome. You have to accept the loss as a loss forever. Only the dumper can start the process of changing things by reaching out and while it can indeed happen, it takes both a long time and a lot of luck, so don't waste your life hoping for it.

Edited November 2, 2015 by Liono84

November 2, 2015

When my ex and I were splitting up it was very heated and he said I was ruining any chance of a friendship. I was insulted that he'd even assume I'd ever be his friend

November 3, 2015

When I think about being friends with an ex, I always say to myself, "Can I handle seeing them with someone else?". The answer is always no, and the times where I thought I could I was always wrong and devastated when I found out they had moved on to someone new. Thus, friendship is not an option for me.

November 3, 2015

I'm probably in the minority here but I actually don't mind exes reaching out. There's only two situations where I get really pissed:

1) they were jerks

2) they still want me back

Any one of those and you're dead to me.

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Do dumpers expect NC even when they offer to remain friends?

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