LoveRefreshed Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Dude she's lazy af. And needy. I completely despise women like this. Tell her that your done with her. How old is she? Things like this, people won't change from. It's core. It's not like a tiny habit that you could work on. It would take an epiphany. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 You have enabled a lot of this behaviour. But the good thing is that you're now recognizing this and realizing it's not ever going to be enough if she's not willing to take accountability for her behaviour and strive to be happy with herself. What she's showing you isn't love. It's codependency, control and manipulation. You need to talk to her immediately and let her know you're prepared to leave (that is, if you want to give it another short) or that you're already done. 2
Author tart6245 Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 She told me her mother was an enabler and a codependent and it ran in her family. I never understood the concept before because my family never had any issues like that, but I think you're right. She's dependent on me for everything. And she doesn't have any friends in this city so I'm all she has. She said the only reason she's here is because of me. I'm not sure we'll never make it through the weekend given she's angry at me today for telling her I intended to see my old college friends at home coming this weekend. I invited her to come Saturday but all the guys wanted to have dinner tomorrow night and she's flipping out that I didn't tell them I had to take her on a date I take her out every Friday. I don't understand why it's such a big deal for me to see them without dragging her along to a dinner with a bunch of guys she doesn't know.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 She told me her mother was an enabler and a codependent and it ran in her family. I never understood the concept before because my family never had any issues like that, but I think you're right. She's dependent on me for everything. And she doesn't have any friends in this city so I'm all she has. She said the only reason she's here is because of me. I'm not sure we'll never make it through the weekend given she's angry at me today for telling her I intended to see my old college friends at home coming this weekend. I invited her to come Saturday but all the guys wanted to have dinner tomorrow night and she's flipping out that I didn't tell them I had to take her on a date I take her out every Friday. I don't understand why it's such a big deal for me to see them without dragging her along to a dinner with a bunch of guys she doesn't know. None of that is your problem. Her lack of friendships is something she needs to work on. I hope you have told her that. Look, you're turning into her housekeeper, ATM and babysitter. Not a boyfriend. Does she know how drained you are by this dynamic?
Author tart6245 Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 I've told her this before but she's basically oblivious to how she acts. I've voiced my displeasure with how she acts each and every time I try to see a friend of mine. She typically throws a fit and gets over it but right now I'm just tired, unhappy and tapped out of emotions for her. I do feel like her maid and caterer and that's it. I can't tell you one time she helped me or was easy going about anything. She denies any wrongdoing whenever I tell her how I feel and that she doesn't ask too much of me and her past boyfriends have never felt that way. She once told me a one hour phone call once a month should be all I talk to my friends. All of her friends live in different places now and she doesn't make any new ones because she spends her time exclusively with me and when she's not she's just being lazy.
joseb Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I've told her this before but she's basically oblivious to how she acts. I've voiced my displeasure with how she acts each and every time I try to see a friend of mine. She typically throws a fit and gets over it but right now I'm just tired, unhappy and tapped out of emotions for her. I do feel like her maid and caterer and that's it. I can't tell you one time she helped me or was easy going about anything. She denies any wrongdoing whenever I tell her how I feel and that she doesn't ask too much of me and her past boyfriends have never felt that way. She once told me a one hour phone call once a month should be all I talk to my friends. All of her friends live in different places now and she doesn't make any new ones because she spends her time exclusively with me and when she's not she's just being lazy. I think talking with her, explaining your boundaries, etc is a waste of time with her. She will just twist what you say, and make you think you are in the wrong. She sounds emotionally abusive. Cutting you off from friends and family is classic. As is throwing fits if you disagree with her, and comparing you unfavourably to her exes. She probably tells you there is something wrong with you too. And you are co-dependant and enabling it. The longer you stay, the weaker you will be. You may even 'give up' after a while and just accept it. The only way is to break up. And the best way to do this is to set yourself up first without her knowing (sounds like you already have a place in mind?) and just move.
Versacehottie Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 If I leave she'll dump me. In fact she threatened that when I said I didn't want to move in together and I foolishly gave in because I love her. But this isn't fair to me. I'm miserable living like this and Im so tired of constantly having to tend to her. She's offered to move back to my hometown after initially refusing to do so because that's where I have my law license, but she's still insisting on living together because she can't budget to pay rent on her own. She's just dumped way too much on me for dating a year and a half. I'm not ready to be supporting someone and not ready to lose my life. Well you are either incompatible or she is immature and you need to work together to get her to a level of maturity that would work for a relationship for the two of you. I'm leaning toward the fact that even though she's immature, you are still incompatible. I think the combo is doing damage on the relationship that is not repairable. It's like parent/child in a lot of ways. I'm sure we are not getting her side of the story--as there are always two sides. Sounds like her demanding things from you works even though it makes you really unhappy. Like a bratty child. And a parent who spoils them.
Author tart6245 Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 Oh yeah I still have a house from where I moved that no one is living in. She wanted to move there with me and live in it and pay half of the bills she wanted to pay (said she didn't want cable so she wasn't paying for it, no alarm either). I told her no, she'd need to get her own place. She has a cat that I didn't want destroying my furniture. And yes it's my fault for letting her do what she does and not leaving sooner. I guess I focused too much on the good things we had and not what our day to day lives were actually like. I've lost a lot of my attraction to her after seeing her lifestyle and how she treats me.
Versacehottie Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Oh yeah I still have a house from where I moved that no one is living in. She wanted to move there with me and live in it and pay half of the bills she wanted to pay (said she didn't want cable so she wasn't paying for it, no alarm either). I told her no, she'd need to get her own place. She has a cat that I didn't want destroying my furniture. And yes it's my fault for letting her do what she does and not leaving sooner. I guess I focused too much on the good things we had and not what our day to day lives were actually like. I've lost a lot of my attraction to her after seeing her lifestyle and how she treats me. Yep this is the incompatible. Why would you try to fix this? You sound a tiny bit set in your ways, if I'm reading through the lines correctly. It's never just one person or the other exclusively (unless it's drugs or mental illness). I do think it sounds like more her fault than yours by a lot though. But the way she lives her life and her motivation are CORE issues as someone else said. Living together has just sped up the process of you realizing this.
StBreton Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 She told me her mother was an enabler and a codependent and it ran in her family. I never understood the concept before because my family never had any issues like that, but I think you're right. She's dependent on me for everything. And she doesn't have any friends in this city so I'm all she has. She said the only reason she's here is because of me. I'm not sure we'll never make it through the weekend given she's angry at me today for telling her I intended to see my old college friends at home coming this weekend. I invited her to come Saturday but all the guys wanted to have dinner tomorrow night and she's flipping out that I didn't tell them I had to take her on a date I take her out every Friday. I don't understand why it's such a big deal for me to see them without dragging her along to a dinner with a bunch of guys she doesn't know. T ... Do NOT miss your homecoming with your friends for this crazy chic. I just don't get guys who put up with this. Why why why??!! Your friends will always be your friends and they will be counting on you to add to the camaraderie ... What if all the guys had gf's or wives like this nutter ... And do not bring her with ... She'll play the whining game. Is the sex amazing or something? Are you 45 and she's 25? What's the deal ... What is it you're getting out of this?
ravfour4 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Are you dating my ex? This literally sounds exactly like her, especially the zero self reflection part. You should tell her how you feel and give her a chance to change, if she doesn't, it should be blatantly obvious why things end. I stayed in your situation for 3 more years, I lost myself and got very distant with her. She eventually cheated on me with a married man after I put up with her BS for years... If you move out of course she'll dump you and why would you not be ok with that? You clearly hate living with her, you trying to marry someone and live in different houses?
Author tart6245 Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 Yeah it's time to do it. I just need to do it soon. I'm not skipping my homecoming with my friends. She backed down last night when I got home and claimed she was kidding when she said she was going to ignore me all weekend. Then she tried to accuse me of wanting to go out without her and lying when I couldn't give her an exact timetable about how long I'd be with them and what I'd be doing, neither of which has actually been planned. I told her we were having dinner and just hanging out together which is the truth but she still said I was lying and then she got over her anger. This is just insane.
StBreton Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 (edited) Yeah it's time to do it. I just need to do it soon. I'm not skipping my homecoming with my friends. She backed down last night when I got home and claimed she was kidding when she said she was going to ignore me all weekend. Then she tried to accuse me of wanting to go out without her and lying when I couldn't give her an exact timetable about how long I'd be with them and what I'd be doing, neither of which has actually been planned. I told her we were having dinner and just hanging out together which is the truth but she still said I was lying and then she got over her anger. This is just insane. What is she like your mommy? Geez. Maybe she needs a puppy or something. She needs something she can keep on a short leash with a choke collar Good for you standing up for yourself (don't be her puppy/puppet ...object of her insecurities) ... I'm not advocating being a cad to a girl by not letting her know what you'll be doing and possibly when she'll expect you home in case you live together ... That's respectful ... She just sounds like she goes overboard. Have fun at homecoming! If she texts you a lot while you're with friends just answer once and say you're having a good time and you'll see her around time you told her. Don't let her control your evening. Boundaries! Edited November 6, 2015 by StBreton
Recommended Posts