tart6245 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I'm in a bit of a bind and I need help. I've been dating a girl for a year and a half. We were long distance for a year and then she wanted to move in together when I got to her city so I agreed against my best interests. I've been living with her since August and I am exhausted and I don't know what to do. She requires attention all of the time. I can't even do something like watch a football game once a week without her getting angry that I'm ignoring her. I don't get to see my friends much anymore, and if I do she has to be with me, which is leading to me being phased out. I get no time to myself. The only time I can do things like talk to my friends or play video games is late at night when she goes to sleep. That's it. I haven't seen my family in forever. I'm paying half of her rent but she doesn't budget at all so I'm paying for most of her food. She also is a complete slob and refuses to do basic things like pick up her dirty plates when she eats or clean up something after she makes a mess. I end up doing it, and if I don't, it'll just stay out. I feel like I'm losing myself. I love our time together but this thing has moved way too fast for my liking. I don't know what to do. I need help.
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Things are not working out....just admit it and move on. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Move. She's clearly not the person you thought she was & this isn't really fair to you 1
BlueIris Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I'm in a bit of a bind and I need help. I've been dating a girl for a year and a half. We were long distance for a year and then she wanted to move in together when I got to her city so I agreed against my best interests. I've been living with her since August and I am exhausted and I don't know what to do. She requires attention all of the time. I can't even do something like watch a football game once a week without her getting angry that I'm ignoring her. I don't get to see my friends much anymore, and if I do she has to be with me, which is leading to me being phased out. I get no time to myself. The only time I can do things like talk to my friends or play video games is late at night when she goes to sleep. That's it. I haven't seen my family in forever. I'm paying half of her rent but she doesn't budget at all so I'm paying for most of her food. She also is a complete slob and refuses to do basic things like pick up her dirty plates when she eats or clean up something after she makes a mess. I end up doing it, and if I don't, it'll just stay out. I feel like I'm losing myself. I love our time together but this thing has moved way too fast for my liking. I don't know what to do. I need help. Take your time with family and friends. Tell her you’re going out to do XYZ and you’ll be back at such and such time, and then go. If you want to visit family, do it. Don't clean up after her. Just clean up after yourself. If she gets upset tell her that this is part of who you are and it doesn’t mean anything bad. If she can’t handle your living your life the way you want to live, it’s better that you find out sooner than later.
Author tart6245 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 If I leave she'll dump me. In fact she threatened that when I said I didn't want to move in together and I foolishly gave in because I love her. But this isn't fair to me. I'm miserable living like this and Im so tired of constantly having to tend to her. She's offered to move back to my hometown after initially refusing to do so because that's where I have my law license, but she's still insisting on living together because she can't budget to pay rent on her own. She's just dumped way too much on me for dating a year and a half. I'm not ready to be supporting someone and not ready to lose my life.
empresario Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 You know, someone (in most cases) doesn't push your buttons for the simple effect of pissing you off. You need to talk to her about it. I doubt you have, and I know it's hard, but you have to. You need to give her an awakening to as to how you're feeling or you can't blame her for it. Schedule a time to talk, don't just lay it on her. Give her an idea of what's going on so that she can prepare mentally. It shouldn't be a big deal scheduling time to talk...since you know...you two are always together. Come in with something to discuss. Tell her what needs to happen in order for your needs to be met. But also re-enforce that you want things to work and you enjoy having her around. And as I always say. Emphasize solutions, not problems. If you're going to have a problem, make sure you have a solution or two ready. Get a chores list. Have a budget program ready. It doesn't matter what...but come prepared. Then, if you're still feeling this way in 3 months at least you can end it knowing you gave it your best shot. 2
Author tart6245 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 The problem is that she's not one to work on things. She's incapable of seeing any problems with herself. Whenever I talk to her about cleaning she says I should just throw her things in a big pile and she'll get them eventually. She's not made any effort to pick up anything on her own. If I try to talk to her she'll just want to break up. Maybe that's what needs to happen because I don't like feeling like I'm a shell of my former self.
xcupid Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 (edited) Find your own place and move out if she won't shape up and contribute what she needs to contribute. If you break up or she dumps you it might be the best thing that happened to you. Edited November 2, 2015 by xcupid
BlueIris Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 The problem is that she's not one to work on things. She's incapable of seeing any problems with herself. Whenever I talk to her about cleaning she says I should just throw her things in a big pile and she'll get them eventually. She's not made any effort to pick up anything on her own. If I try to talk to her she'll just want to break up. Maybe that's what needs to happen because I don't like feeling like I'm a shell of my former self. It sounds as though that is what has to happen. Maybe hold for a little bit as you find a place to live/move to. 1
Author tart6245 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 I have a house to go to if I leave. I just don't see her changing even if we talk. She's always needed a ton of attention. She was wanting to move in together before we had dated a year which was a crazy idea to me. I think she just wants my rent money and felt at 25 she was "too old for a roommate." I even tried to suggest she get one because I couldn't promise anything. Now I'm working a job that doesn't have anything to do with my legal career so I can keep up with rent and paying for her meals and drinks all the time.
empresario Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 The problem is that she's not one to work on things. She's incapable of seeing any problems with herself. Whenever I talk to her about cleaning she says I should just throw her things in a big pile and she'll get them eventually. She's not made any effort to pick up anything on her own. If I try to talk to her she'll just want to break up. Maybe that's what needs to happen because I don't like feeling like I'm a shell of my former self. Call her bluff. She is obviously anxious attachment style and needy. She won't break up with you. She just knows you won't call her out on it. And be OK that you may break up. Don't waver on that. Because if things don't change you WILL break up. 1
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Well the honeymoon period is over, now you see what she is all about. Don't try and "fix" things, get out now. The way I see it, if someone doesn't take care of their household, then they don't take care of themselves and they will always depend on others to do it for them. She is doing this to you. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I love our time together Seriously? I mean your whole post indicates how miserable you are. So what exactly makes you happy w/a needy slob that leaches off you? 3
Maggie4 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 When someone takes the attitude "it's my way or the highway", you have to question how much you mean to her. When someone is unwilling to compromise at all, not even to discuss it, it is because she doesn't mind losing you. 2
menyou Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Seriously? I mean your whole post indicates how miserable you are. So what exactly makes you happy w/a needy slob that leaches off you? This. 110%. Your situation would drive me bananas.
GemmaUK Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 She is controlling, manipulative, isolating you and not taking not responsibility for herself. These are many of the first main signs of an abuser. Get out while you can. If you stay in this relationship it will only get worse. 2
Siquijor Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 She has no respect for you or the place where you live. Lose this freeloading waste of oxygen and lose her fast.
Author tart6245 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 I'm not sure if I should talk to her about these issues first before I just end things. She wants to move back to where I'm from and where I can actually continue my career. She already has a job offer and an apartment picked out. I still have a house there I can live in, especially if things don't work out. She'll be making more money there anyway so I won't feel too bad if things don't work out between us
d0nnivain Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I'm not sure if I should talk to her about these issues first before I just end things. She wants to move back to where I'm from and where I can actually continue my career. She already has a job offer and an apartment picked out. I still have a house there I can live in, especially if things don't work out. She'll be making more money there anyway so I won't feel too bad if things don't work out between us Of course you should talk to her before you dump her. However, moving probably won't fix most of your problems. A new location won't make her less clingy or more responsible with money / budgeting.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Get married & have some kids with her. That always solves any relationship problems. 1
Author tart6245 Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 I know what I need to do. It's just not going to be easy. She requires far too much attention and effort than I can ever give her and almost expects me to give up my friends for her. I can't be with someone like that. 3
empresario Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I know what I need to do. It's just not going to be easy. She requires far too much attention and effort than I can ever give her and almost expects me to give up my friends for her. I can't be with someone like that. You may now have your pride back, friend. And your life. 1
angel.eyes Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 If I leave she'll dump me. :confused: You aren't compatible! Shouldn't breaking up and going your separate ways be your goal??? I'm miserable living like this and Im so tired of constantly having to tend to her. Then why do YOU insist on staying? What are you getting out of this relationship? ... she's still insisting on living together because she can't budget to pay rent on her own. Okay. It's clear why she's motivated to continue. She needs someone to cover her bills and you're an easy mark. But what are you getting out of this? YOU insist on staying too. What keeps you involved and fighting to continue the relationship whenever she threatens to end it? How does that align with your claim of being miserable and isolated? You're leaving something out of the story. I'm not ready to be supporting someone and not ready to lose my life. And yet you keep fighting to do just that... 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I know what I need to do. It's just not going to be easy. She requires far too much attention and effort than I can ever give her and almost expects me to give up my friends for her. I can't be with someone like that. Being excessively demanding of your partner's time to the extent that you're causing them to be separated from their friends and family so all of their time is focused on you is a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship. This girl doesn't have your best interests at heart, just her own. Move on!
Author tart6245 Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 I know. She has terrible anxiety and has not had a great family life, but I can't help that. At this point I just need to suck it up and say, you know, we had some good times and we get along together but I'm not fulfilled in this relationship at all. I feel like her maid and her financier and it's just not fair anymore. I mean, the other night, I came home from work before her, cleaned up the kitchen, did the dishes, got all her trash together, clean up the floor in the living room from where she made her Halloween costume. She then came home and got mad at me for not going to pick her up dinner and mad I was playing xbox with my friends. It's almost like...how much more can I do? I told her I wasn't going to do that and she got over it but still.
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