jjh87 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Let me say upfront that I’ve been to a therapist to talk about this and I’m not sure what I think I’ll get out of posting this story here, but I feel that I might as well. I should also note that I was going through some extreme depression while all this was going on for completely unrelated reasons. A few years ago I developed a crush on a bartender I was friendly with. I had no intention of chasing her because she was only 20 when I met her and I had reached a point (24) where I didn’t want to deal with girls in that age range anymore. I went into her bar about twice a month, sometimes we had a good amount of friendly conversation, and sometimes we didn’t talk at all. I never got the impression that she particularly liked or disliked me in a non -platonic way and I was okay with that. I liked her but she didn’t cross my mind outside of the bar. One day we stumbled into an awkward moment. She was standing directly in front of me, pouring a drink when we both happened to look up at the same time. We made direct eye contact and neither of us said anything or looked away for about 20-30 seconds (not an exaggeration). She eventually shook it off and ran away. I hadn’t asked for the check so she had to come back over to me and when she did she was incredibly flirtatious. If it wasn’t her job to be nice to me I obviously would have asked her out, but I already came to the conclusion that she didn’t like me and part of me felt that she had no choice but to come back over and she had to try to prevent it from being awkward. Part of me was also stoked that she seemed interested in me and decided to drop the attitude about twenty year olds. I came back two weeks later to ask her out. I walked into the bar to find it completely empty. She looked excited to see me when I walked in, but then completely shut down when I tried talking to her. At first I perceived it as shyness but it got worst and no progress was made after twenty minutes of us being alone. An example of how bad it was: she used to tell some people she was from Pennsylvania and others that she was from New Jersey. So, I said “I’ve been meaning ask you for a while, did live in New Jersey first or Pennsylvania?” She responded by saying “NO, I’ve lived all over.” She then crossed her arms and pulled out her I pad. A few minutes later a guy came in and threw a bad pick up line at her (“I have our first date planned what do you wanna do on our second one”) and she was very flirty and responsive to him. I felt humiliated and asked for the check. Then I noticed that for the first time she bought me a couple drinks. I don’t view it as flirtatious when a bartender buys you drinks but she had never done it before and the timing at least said, “you don’t have to be embarrassed”. She smiled at me on my way out, which was also new. I came back a week later. The second I sat down a middle-aged couple who I never met started talking to me about jazz and Dostoevsky. This turned into the most highbrow conversation I’ve ever had and she stood there listening to pretty much the whole thing. This was a side of me she had never seen before in the 8 months or so that she knew me. I had a feeling it might rub her the wrong way, or make her insecure if she wasn’t interested in any of these things so I took note of her during the conversation and there were times where she looked amused, and times where she looked bored. I walked out thinking that she probably found that conversation insufferable but I wasn’t even remotely rude to anyone and I didn’t think she would hold it against me. I had already proved that I could carry a conversation about her interests (before the awkward staring contest). She was friendly on my way out, so I didn’t think anything of it. I can back two weeks later (keeping my normal routine). She gave me a dirty look and poured me my regular drink without saying hello. Then walked off and got one of her coworkers to talk to. They came back, she walked right up to me and practically yelled the “all he drinks is scotch, I don’t like him AT ALL.” She then went on to call me condescending over and over again, talking **** about me as though I wasn’t sitting directly in front of her. She basically took everything she knew about me and claimed to hate me for it, only taking breaks from her rant to flirt with other male customers. This was all over the course of one drink. I ordered the check, which actually shocked her. She then asked me if I wanted another drink. I said “no, check”. She then asked me if I wanted another again, the guy sitting next to me then spoke up and reaffirmed that I said check. I was already in a really bad place. I didn’t think my self-esteem could get as low as it did after that and two years later I still haven’t completely picked myself back up. A part of the sick feeling that I had as this was happening is still with me. If someone else told me this story I might think “she liked you, she was showing it in the most immature way possible” but it didn’t feel that way to me. I just felt really hurt. There's more to this story but I'll stop there for now.
Httm Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Stop playing around in bars with babies. Meet people your own age in more reasonable places.
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Did I read this right, she is 20 and you're 24? If that's the case I'm not sure what the poster above is talking about. As for your story, I'm not sure why you'd let a bartender in some skeevy bar get to you that way. Don't give her so much power for heaven's sake. So she flipped her switch regarding you. Take it as a sign and be grateful you dodged a bullet. Finally, don't ever apologize for being able to discuss the works of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. If you have to avoid highbrow topics for the sake of some woman who can barely pronounce Dostoyevsky let alone have an opinion, then perhaps you need to rethink your strategy. Wouldn't you rather be with a woman who would at least try and carry on a conversation about a great many things rather than have to dumb things down for the sake of a pretty face? I know I would. Live and learn OP. Set your sights higher.
Httm Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Did I read this right, she is 20 and you're 24? If that's the case I'm not sure what the poster above is talking about. As for your story, I'm not sure why you'd let a bartender in some skeevy bar get to you that way. Don't give her so much power for heaven's sake. So she flipped her switch regarding you. Take it as a sign and be grateful you dodged a bullet. Finally, don't ever apologize for being able to discuss the works of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. If you have to avoid highbrow topics for the sake of some woman who can barely pronounce Dostoyevsky let alone have an opinion, then perhaps you need to rethink your strategy. Wouldn't you rather be with a woman who would at least try and carry on a conversation about a great many things rather than have to dumb things down for the sake of a pretty face? I know I would. Live and learn OP. Set your sights higher. 24 year olds are at a completely different point in their lives than 20 year olds.
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 24 year olds are at a completely different point in their lives than 20 year olds. I might agree that for some, that may be the case but to say that a four year age gap puts ALL of them in completely different places is a bit of stretch. I hate to stereotype but the woman is a bartender. Unless she's working her way through school to become a doctor or engineer, she's likely there because it's an easy gig that pays the bills and she gets her ego stroked nightly. This isn't about age as much as it is about her overall character. I've known plenty of twenty year olds who have their sh*t together better than most middle aged men and women. You can't summarize a group of people that easily.
SpiralOut Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 It sounds like she started ranting at you totally unprovoked. In that case, this is her problem and it's not about you.
mrs rubble Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 She sounds like a complete nutter!! Be thankful you didn't get involved. Wonder if she still has a job acting like that!
Author jjh87 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 I hate to stereotype but the woman is a bartender. Unless she's working her way through school to become a doctor or engineer, she's likely there because it's an easy gig that pays the bills and she gets her ego stroked nightly. This is probably the main reason for the attack. She had recently dropped out of a really good college and constantly made self deprecating jokes about the whole ordeal. I think she was very insecure about feeling uneducated/uncultured. She had her ego stroked nightly but the first time she was responsive to anyone was me after the awkward staring incident.
Got it Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I think a lot of your interactions with her and the magnitude of them is in your head. You created a relationship of some sort based on a staring contest and some random chit chat. So then one day she was very rude and this had a tremendous impact on your self esteem for years. That is not normal or healthy. I think therapy is in order to really look into why this was able to impact your self esteem and why you think her behavior was any indication of your worth and not just about her?
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