cottom Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 This issue breaks down into two sections, first her future plan has no basis, it's purely "I do what I want and it will all work out somehow". The second is her friends and their influence. She's 21, her plan is to move to London with her friend. The personal effect to me is that she will be about 150 miles/200km away, or about a 3 hour drive or train. We wouldn't last across that distance. The main issue for her though is that she has no career plan, she says it's the only place she can progress her career but she has no qualifications and at the moment works on a reception at a health spa. Now London is the most expensive place to live in the UK, I was going to move their with work and cancelled because it was around 1000 a month for a studio. I mentioned this but she said she will live on the outskirts because it's cheaper...The area with some of the highest crime rate in the UK, a little white girl living there. And on top of having to find work, rent you also have bills, electric gas water council tax food and repairs etc. The Friends issue, I don't want to be the controlling guy who says don't hang out with these people, because it's her best friend who has been their longer than I have. This is the girl she plans to move in with in London. She lived with this girl for 3 years at uni and all they seem to have done was drink and do party drugs most nights. Every story she has involves this girl, drink or drugs and some messy situation. From my view my girl went from good intelligent student getting great grades, goes to university and ends up drinking every night and got a 3rd class degree (scraped a pass 40-50% overall) in photography studies. She missed her graduation because her and her friend got drunk, she had to put on an art show and her +1, her friend got wasted together and ended up staggering around falling into everything. She had a job interview the next day and her friend took her out, they did a load of coke and missed the job interview. They finished uni 4 months ago, in September they went to a festival. Before it I saw a text on her phone while messaging her mate, her friend saying "I cant wait, i want druggssssss". My girl was acting indifferent to this saying how she isn't interested in that stuff anymore and she doesn't like it. First night there they get black out drunk, she's had all her money, £200 stolen and they woke up with a bag of mdma (they assume anyway). They did it that night and the next night her friend got more but she stayed sober and said how awful it was trying to look after her friend who had to get.carried to the ambulance by security she couldn't walk she was that messed up from everything. This is the girl she plans to live with. This girl doesn't have a job, she lives on her parents money and just wants to spend all her time drinking and partying and drugs. Combine those 2 issues and you have a nightmare situation, no one or prospects living in a new town with a nightmare flat mate who you have lived with for 3 years before but that was before responsibilities. But all her friends already live there with their parents, she is in a small village of a few thousand 150 miles away. No friends round here, just me and her family. I don't want to watch her sit their alone with just me, I want her to be happy with friends but I can't see how this situation is good for her. People will say let her go and realise the mistake, but this is a world where money is the basis of a good life, go there blow all her money, rack up debts and then spend her life in the black? She will never have a family and never afford a house etc and she won't be able to get her life sorted with that friend around. How do I approach this, it is a really sensitive subject to tackle
sandylee1 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 London is expensive and even the outskirts aren't that cheap. She'll need at least a months (sometimes more) rent and deposit. Plus references and a guarantor. They'll also do credit checks on her. If she hasn't got a plan..then it's not a case of just getting a train here. Otherwise, she'll have a shock. The crime rate isn't a worry, but like any other city you have to be sensible. It doesn't sound like her way of life fits yours really...The drugs and getting blind drunk. Now that's the behaviour that will get her into trouble as some not so nice people will take advantage of her in those situations. She lacks maturity and I don't see a happy ending to it all. Is she a good girlfriend? Do you love her? Does she show her love for you? She's young and probably wants to explore another place. London does have opportunities, but she needs to know what she actually wants.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Your girlfriend needs to get her life together. Getting wasted and high is going to get her nowhere, which I'm sure she knows but at the moment the rest of her life isn't important. This says something about her priorities and judgement. The problem isn't only her friends; your girlfriend herself has problems too. You can express your concerns but ultimately she is free to do what she wants. If you don't like it, break up with her. She sounds a bit of a mess at the moment. And if you're not included in these future plans, there's a reason. To be honest, I'm not sure what attracts you to this girl. Her lifestyle choices are horrible.
Author cottom Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 London is expensive and even the outskirts aren't that cheap. She'll need at least a months (sometimes more) rent and deposit. Plus references and a guarantor. They'll also do credit checks on her. If she hasn't got a plan..then it's not a case of just getting a train here. Otherwise, she'll have a shock. The crime rate isn't a worry, but like any other city you have to be sensible. It doesn't sound like her way of life fits yours really...The drugs and getting blind drunk. Now that's the behaviour that will get her into trouble as some not so nice people will take advantage of her in those situations. She lacks maturity and I don't see a happy ending to it all. Is she a good girlfriend? Do you love her? Does she show her love for you? She's young and probably wants to explore another place. London does have opportunities, but she needs to know what she actually wants. That's the main argument in my 1st point, how do I explain to her how the finances just won't work out, it's what she's always wanted to do, her friends are all there and she says that it's the best place to get her career sorted. I can try and come with arguments and facts but when she has her heart set on it she will see it as me being controlling. The getting blind drunk and drugs was a university thing, we discussed this, because I come from a lower class area in Birmingham I have addict friends, friends that over dosed, alcoholics etc that I know. She agreed that there's times to grow up from certain things, university to her was really just a play thing. But her friend doesn't think this way, it's an older friend who seems to be dominant, has seen more and done more and seems to push her into things (my opinion as I've never met this girl but based on stories and what I've seen so far). She's a great gf, she'd do anything for me and we are both crazy for each other. We discussed these future plans before and she mentioned off key how she's kind of planned that I will just "be there with her".
Author cottom Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 Your girlfriend needs to get her life together. Getting wasted and high is going to get her nowhere, which I'm sure she knows but at the moment the rest of her life isn't important. This says something about her priorities and judgement. The problem isn't only her friends; your girlfriend herself has problems too. You can express your concerns but ultimately she is free to do what she wants. If you don't like it, break up with her. She sounds a bit of a mess at the moment. And if you're not included in these future plans, there's a reason. To be honest, I'm not sure what attracts you to this girl. Her lifestyle choices are horrible. Get her life together and stop drinking and taking things because it gets you nowhere is a bit of a strong statement to make. She is at the stage of her life where she has finished uni, she had a load of fun and can see that all the people she went with all took years out and are still living down there having fun and going out partying while she is sat at home every night working unsociable hours at her job and then seeing me when we are both free. I have my life sorted, degree, career and finances etc but I have also moved to this new town where I know nobody at all. You said express concerns or break up with her, well done for rephrasing my question as a statement. The question repeated again is "how do I speak to her about this situation without telling her to ditch her friends because they are bad for her and to give up on her dream of moving somewhere because it is so un likely to work??
basil67 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 (edited) The question repeated again is "how do I speak to her about this situation without telling her to ditch her friends because they are bad for her and to give up on her dream of moving somewhere because it is so un likely to work?? There's a very good rule about this: Don't give advice unless someone asks it. If she doesn't ask for your opinion, then it shows she doesn't want your opinion. I know this sounds harsh, but nobody like to receive unsolicited advice. The two of you sound very mismatched. You're focused on saving and working for a future and she's focused on having fun as a 21yo. I wouldn't mind betting that both of you have substantially grown in different directions in the time you've been together. While I'm sure you do care about her, it's fairly apparent that you don't respect her choices. If she was to stay local and continue with her spending, drinking and party drugs, I doubt you'd be happy with her anyway. If she decides to move away, end the relationship and wish her luck. If you talk her out of going....and she never gets to live it up as a young thing in London, she will likely blame you forever. For that matter, even if she doesn't move away - you may want to reconsider your relationship. The two of you sound quite incompatible. Edited November 2, 2015 by basil67
ExpatInItaly Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 (edited) Get her life together and stop drinking and taking things because it gets you nowhere is a bit of a strong statement to make. She is at the stage of her life where she has finished uni, she had a load of fun and can see that all the people she went with all took years out and are still living down there having fun and going out partying while she is sat at home every night working unsociable hours at her job and then seeing me when we are both free. I have my life sorted, degree, career and finances etc but I have also moved to this new town where I know nobody at all. You said express concerns or break up with her, well done for rephrasing my question as a statement. The question repeated again is "how do I speak to her about this situation without telling her to ditch her friends because they are bad for her and to give up on her dream of moving somewhere because it is so un likely to work?? No, isn't too strong. You're too much in denial. Missing her graduation and job interviews because she's too drunk and high is an indication of a big problem. Blacking out and waking up with a bag of drugs is a big problem. She very clearly doesn't have her life together. She's 21, not 15. Dude, she's a mess. You know that. What you don't seem to grasp is that you can talk to her until you're blue in the face but if she doesn't want to hear it, it's not going to make a lick of a difference. You can explain to her that financially it doesn't make sense, you can show her facts and statistics and all kinds of information. But you can't force a square into a circle. You can't forbid her from hanging out with her best friend or doing drugs all night with her. You cannot make her into someone she doesn't want to be right now. You obviously aren't comfortable with her life choices. Sometimes you have to acknowledge that you're not compatible with someone, even if you really like them. Once she moves, it's not going to get better. Also, did she ask you what you think of her moving? If she didn't, then I can guarantee she's not going to be receptive to your opinion. She wants what she wants, which may or may not include a future with you. Do you mind if I ask how long you've been together? Edited November 2, 2015 by ExpatInItaly 2
Httm Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Get her life together and stop drinking and taking things because it gets you nowhere is a bit of a strong statement to make. She is at the stage of her life where she has finished uni, she had a load of fun and can see that all the people she went with all took years out and are still living down there having fun and going out partying while she is sat at home every night working unsociable hours at her job and then seeing me when we are both free. I have my life sorted, degree, career and finances etc but I have also moved to this new town where I know nobody at all. You said express concerns or break up with her, well done for rephrasing my question as a statement. The question repeated again is "how do I speak to her about this situation without telling her to ditch her friends because they are bad for her and to give up on her dream of moving somewhere because it is so un likely to work?? You can't. You can't make life decisions for her. She is a grown up acting like a child. She will not respond well to your fathering. Find someone ready to be a grown up and have a real relationship. 1
losangelena Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 The question repeated again is "how do I speak to her about this situation without telling her to ditch her friends because they are bad for her and to give up on her dream of moving somewhere because it is so un likely to work?? So basically how can you lie to your gf? Her friends and lifestyle ARE the reasons you're worried. Trying to couch it in other terms is dishonest and probably won't be compelling enough of a reason for her to stay. But also, getting her to stick around and do something she's unhappy with for your sake will start to cause resentment. This doesn't sound good. I don't see how anything could be more compelling than simply expressing the truth and your concern. You don't have to come off strong or harsh. Say it gently. She will either get defensive and not listen (in which case, let her go), or maybe she'll be receptive to it.
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