learnbyliving Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I don't know how people do this dating multiple people thing. I try to convince myself I can keep things casual, but I end up catching feelings. I tried keeping multiple prospects on the table but as soon as a person shows themselves worthy and good, I want to give them all my attention and time. Problem is, I'm not in a position where I can commit to someone due to job/location uncertainty. Yet I crave affection and company like any human being. Recently I hit it off with a guy from Tinder who chased me hard. I do a bit of online searching on him, and find he has posts on social media from 2+ years ago about not being into hookup culture, being a romantic, etc. so I don't think it's an act when he told me the same. So I figure the decent thing to do is to clarify up front that I'm not in a position to get into a serious relationship out of courtesy for his feelings. He says we can see each other anyway because he likes me. I just ask that he lets me know if he wants to pursue other women because I keep it physically monogamous even if casual. He didn't really give an affirmative reply. Skip forward a bit in time, I find that he's unmatched on Tinder when I was trying to show my friends his pictures. We have exchanged numbers so we don't need to be connected on Tinder but I can't help but develop this sinking feeling. I know he's free to find a real relationship prospect so I don't hold it against him. I'm posting this because I know from my gut reaction that I'm catching feelings again. I should stop seeing him before I get in deeper but a human connection feels so good. Someone give me some tough love or tell me they can relate...
neowulf Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Step one of Dating; Know who you are and how you're put together. There's no one saying you "NEED" to multidate. If you feel like multi dating isn't for you, then don't do it. If you're prone to latching onto people very quickly, perhaps that's something that you should look into. Is it about the person you're dating? Or about filling a void? So long as you're going out on dates, in a way that's sustainable for *you*, then you're doing it right.
Author learnbyliving Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 Honestly it is about filling a void - physical affection and romantic attention that I don't get from friendships. Also, my friend circle is very isolated so it is a huge plus that I have an outsider to talk to. It is quite difficult to make new and CLOSE friendships as an adult despite the constant advice to make new friends. I know FWB/casual isn't for everybody. I guess I should accept that includes me. I just find it hard to hold off while essentially waiting for my life situation to become stable enough for a relationship.
NoLeafClover Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I catch feelings like that all the time...that's how you know when you 're slacking in your game hah
Omei Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 With you just wanting something casual and no relationship I think its unfair for you to ask that guy to be loyal to you as if you were in one when you're not. He may think the same with his non affirmative reply.
Author learnbyliving Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 I acknowledge by standard dating conventions it would be unfair of me to expect exclusivity. I didn't ask for that though, I asked to be told if he were interested in multi dating so I can scale back my emotional investment. That aside, is there really no such thing as monogamy without commitment? As in, no expectations of the relationship to meet milestones (I love you's, meeting family, moving in, marriage) … yet maintaining exclusivity? Maybe I'm not cut out for modern dating because I find it draining to be involved with more than one person, even with no commitment expectations.
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