MehMehmehmeh2012 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I broke up w/my ex a month ago. I realized that I was in a one sided relationship where I was putting in all the care and love while he was making no effort (he only did if he didn't have to go out his way). I approached him 2x about this issue and he was concerned, did nothing, then got very upset w/me the 2nd time. He blamed me for my own unhappiness because he was perfectly content. Some very hurtful stuff was said by him that showed he didn't really want me long term (I should find someone better, we are 2 independent people etc). I miss him a lot, I haven't contacted him (except for my stuff) and I never plan on taking him back. He has made feeble attempts to contact me, where I feel like he hasn't found better, so he thinks that I will coming running back to him. He never saw me as a priority, as he wanted to marry me, he couldn't afford that, but he willingly spent $ at the bar (once a week w/out me) and spent money on stupid things, not a man who wants to save money for getting married and starting a family (something he wanted to do w/me). I asked for no contact after the breakup, he deleted all our pictures w/in about 20 min after the break up. W/his abusive/crazy ex he never deleted all their photos. I was heartbroken to break up, but I started feeling more miserable more times then happy. I found out he was a lazy, egotistical and arrogant guy, who told me I was the best girl that he had dated (not crazy), but the one time I wasn't feeling happy I was crazy. Will I ever stop missing him? It has been better, but I'm kinda afraid of the unsure future. A couple days after the break up he called and poured his heart out to me, saying things that I feel like he should have said during the argument instead of pushing me and even telling me that if I wanted to break up I just break up. Did he lose interest and just want to break up?
HowCouldShe Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 (edited) I broke up w/my ex a month ago. I realized that I was in a one sided relationship where I was putting in all the care and love while he was making no effort (he only did if he didn't have to go out his way). I approached him 2x about this issue and he was concerned, did nothing, then got very upset w/me the 2nd time. He blamed me for my own unhappiness because he was perfectly content. Some very hurtful stuff was said by him that showed he didn't really want me long term (I should find someone better, we are 2 independent people etc). I miss him a lot, I haven't contacted him (except for my stuff) and I never plan on taking him back. He has made feeble attempts to contact me, where I feel like he hasn't found better, so he thinks that I will coming running back to him. He never saw me as a priority, as he wanted to marry me, he couldn't afford that, but he willingly spent $ at the bar (once a week w/out me) and spent money on stupid things, not a man who wants to save money for getting married and starting a family (something he wanted to do w/me). I asked for no contact after the breakup, he deleted all our pictures w/in about 20 min after the break up. W/his abusive/crazy ex he never deleted all their photos. I was heartbroken to break up, but I started feeling more miserable more times then happy. I found out he was a lazy, egotistical and arrogant guy, who told me I was the best girl that he had dated (not crazy), but the one time I wasn't feeling happy I was crazy. Will I ever stop missing him? It has been better, but I'm kinda afraid of the unsure future. A couple days after the break up he called and poured his heart out to me, saying things that I feel like he should have said during the argument instead of pushing me and even telling me that if I wanted to break up I just break up. Did he lose interest and just want to break up? Not to come down on you, but I'm going to tell you how it is from the other side and play devils advocate here. You say yourself "I've only contacted him once, for my stuff and I never plan on taking him back"... if you never plan on taking him back why do you care about his attempts? Ultimately, you made the decision to leave him. Would you rather he beg and plead for your forgiveness and love again only to see you reject him by your own admission? It's almost as if, you want to get that ego boost and feel better about yourself by seeing him crawling back to you like so many dumpees have done in the past only to relive the hurt from day 1 after the dumper gets that ego boost. Perhaps he did make mistakes, perhaps he is very sorry about everything he ever did...but he is respecting YOUR decision to end things and probably trying to heal himself. Perhaps he really did love you but became comfortable and selfish, lazy (as you say) and thought you were equally happy (how well did you communicate...honestly?) and then he was blindsided by an abrupt ending for someone he truly loved. Please don't take offense to this post, but this sounds exactly like my situation and ultimately, I have chosen not to beg for her back even though I miss her like crazy every day for my own failures in the relationship. But remember this...it takes two. And communication is key. Perhaps he is showing you his love and respect by walking away and respecting your decision. Just a thought. Edited November 2, 2015 by HowCouldShe 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I think howcouldshe made some great points. I've been in a similar situation and my knee-jerk-reaction at the time whenever I felt like I wasn't getting the attention I needed and wanted was to be dramatic. Make a grand gesture to provoke my partner to take me seriously. We sometimes push the people we love so hard in a desperate attempt to get them to wake up and take notice. Ultimately we want them to fight for us. Unfortunately that plan lacks maturity, it's painfully flawed and all too often backfires. What I learned from my past experience is that sometimes people show their love in different ways. It's not necessarily wrong but they can come across as indifferent. It's impossible to comment specifically on your boyfriend or your relationship since we don't know either you but I will say that people love the only way they know how. That's not to say you have to give up on the things YOU need in a relationship but you'll have to learn to recognize how your partner shows his love and work TOGETHER on giving the other what they need. If you haven't heard of the book The Five Love Languages, I would strongly encourage you to read it. It deals with this very topic and it's a game changer in my humble opinion. Good luck.
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