cowboyway Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Hi all, I need some answers. I dated this girl that I loved very much for two years. We broke up in September, it was a very harsh break up. See I understand now what happend, she said I was never there for her emotionally. The fact of the matter was it was true, See I did not know that the honey moon phase levels off the longer you go in relationships. I expected that was the way we should feel for the rest of our lives together. My problem was after the first year my desire for sex faded a bit , and no it didn't stop completely. I however loved her more then anything in my heart. The problem here is that I pushed her away. I would come home from work with stress from the day and be exhausted. When she would come over I picked at her to caused a fight or said I was sick to avoid having sex. The sex became like another job, and of course all she was looking for was love not sex. God I not only feel stupid, I cringe at the thought of what I did to her emotionally. Here is this girl that I truely loved, and I let it all slip away. I guess what I am asking how do you heal from somthing like this, it has been 9 months and it still hurts like hell? I tried to explain it to her in a letter, but she has moved on and wont even talk to me. I really cant say I blame her I hurt her bad. I am trying to get back in the dating game but it is so hard to forget what could have been if I just would have learned a little about relationships. Has anyone ever lost a person they loved the way I have?
PDPullmn612 Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 Hey, Losing someone you love is never an easy task. However, as luck would have it, time tends to heal wounds. The one thing i can say about this is that you have to learn from this experience. Everything that happens in life should be learned from. Just take this experience, and know what not to do in another relationship. There are many people out there, and i understand that you loved her a lot, but im sure you can eventually find someone else who you can love just as much as you do her. Good Luck and let me know if the post helps.
ChuckDee33 Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 Hey man, I feel you completely. My girl broke up with me back in August, we were together for like 20 months. It was my first real relationship, first real love...and that is an extremely difficult thing to realize it's not going to last forever. It's like I put my relationship with this girl up on a pedestal but I didn't do all the necessary things to maintain it, to nuture the love we had for each other. The hardest thing to do was to admit to myself it's over. Who knows if it's over for good because nothing in this world is certain. But you gotta live your life as if you know it's over for good...that is hard step in the healing process. I am doing NC and she still wants to talk to me. I don't know exactly why...I don't think she's over me just like I'm not over her even after 9 months. But I moved an hour away last week so I don't have to deal with it in my life nearly as much. I can start fresh now and move on with my life. I understand what you mean when you say you would love to have the relationship again with her knowing all that you do know about love and relationships now. I feel the exact same way...what could have been you know? But it's at this moment we gotta turn that around in our heads and say "What can be?" Just think, this person was put in front of our path in in life for a reason and they were removed from that path for a reason as well. Let life and time weave their own paths. Everything will be alright.
loveisallaround Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 You've got to accept that the relationship is over. For good. The fact that nine months have came and gone tells me you really haven't accepted this truth - but it's time. Focus on yourself. Do not contact her any further. And I know it sounds lame and cliche, but this happened for a reason. Learn from it. Do not repeat it. If she didn't respond to you, then shes not worth your time. The sea has plenty of fish. It's funny, I'm in a similar situation - sans the sex, and that I was the one who was dumped. I know/knew he truly cared about me but I think pressure from his friends, moving, work, etc caught up with him and on a whim, he cut me off. It was harsh but I'm healing and moving on.
moon Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 It sounds like your ex got to the breaking point with you. You pushed her away enough that she wasn't able to forget that treatment. She probably lost all confidence in the relationship and you. It sounds like you've made a lot of progress since breaking up. You've totally realized your errors. That's crucial. At first were you mad at her for ending things? Did you think the problems were really hers? I am just curious. I think a lot of times when one person in a relationship isn't getting treated right and does the breaking up, it seems the person doing the mistreating still blames that other person for ending the relationship. It's like a pattern of mistreatment escalates and the abused can do no right....even when they obviously broke up because they obviously weren't being treated well at all. But, the brightside is that you've come to terms with everything. It sounds like you took your girlfriend for grantide. When did you write this letter? I am sure your words of apology meant more to her than you know. But it sounds like she has probably gotten to a point where she can accept the break up and wants see whatelse is out there for her. In these cases where a person gets broken up with because they were obviously wrong, I think it's not as bad to contact that other person and try to explain yourself. If I were you I might start trying to focus on getting back to a happy place in yourself. Do whatever it takes. Exercise, get some therapy, take a vacation whatever. Once you get back to that good place in yourself, I might spend a lot of time writing her a very well thought out letter again. I might explain to her that you knew you realized you took her for grantide and that you beat yourself up about it for a long time, but that you're doing okay again and you'd love to get together and chat with her again. I wouldn't even mention getting back together. A lot of time has passed. It might work. If she blows you off again, I'd just let it go. Somethings can't be repaired and you just need to learn from them and move on yourself. Good luck.
moon Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 By the way, my last ex broke up with me, but I sort of caused the actual break up part because I started a bunch of fights with him over and over again. He ended up hooking up with a new girl like a week later and I haven't had much contact with him since. But right after the break up I called him every name in the book. I said hideous, mean things to him. I really put him in his place. I shredded him with words. But the fact that he hooked up with a new woman right away would forever prevent me from contacting him again. It caused me too much pain. I still wonder if there was any cheating going on before......but I never got any confirmation of that. But if my ex wrote me an apology letter for previous poor treatment (there were definately episodes of that), I might not respond, but it would mean something to me. Depending on my mood that day, I might either respond by saying go to hell or I'd say nothing at all, but seriously it would mean something that he did that. I think I might actually be able to muster up some respect for him. My break up was in October. I have basically gotten over it on a personal level, but emotionally it still pains me from time to time. I don't worry about it that much anymore, though. I realize that things happen for a reason and like another poster said, there are other fish in the sea. I think what my ex needed was a reality check and I think he was surprised with how out of control mad I got at him. I am sure he blamed me for the break up, even though it was he who caused it because I had lost a lot of confidence in the relationship because of his past poor treatment of me. His ability to get into a relationship right after me, made me want to spit in his face (sound harsh?). But yeah......apologies are always nice to have (if you were wrong) no matter what. My ex actually told me he was scared of me the last time he saw me. I think that alone has helped me get over it. It almost made me feel like I got my power back. But there would be no going back for me. I couldn't ever get back together with my ex. But if you didn't do anything near as bad as that.....then maybe there's some hope...who knows? Anyway, good luck.
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