"i wanted to see how far i can push you"

[kendahke]

I've been talking to this guy. He texts A LOT. More than I would prefer at this point really. But when I'm not busy I just roll with it and talk with him. We've talked on the phone too a couple of times. We usually get on well and have a laugh, bur today he's been....different. Crazy?

 

He's planning to see me tomorrow after work, if its mot too hectic (lives a couple hours away) ge asked me to do something for him tomorrow that I CAN'T do. I told him why I can't. He said things like

 

Do you always do what you are told?

****ing hell

You can but you just wont

 

Then I asked why he's being so difficult. He says. "I wanted to see how far I can push you" I tekk him that's messed up and he says "chill babe"

 

Then later on he asks how many guys I talk to. I tell him a few, he says he speaks to "loads" bur only wanna date me and will stop talking to them when we are exclusive. Then he says he's a jealous person, doesn't like me talking to other guys and he will take his OLD profile down tonight. I tell him he doesn't have to do that! That he might not even like me in person. He says I like mind games! I tell him I will stop talking to others IF we become exclusive, which is only fair. His lovely reply is "what's fair is you listen to your man :)"

 

What the heck!? My head hurts. I don't know what got into him tonight.

 

No wonder your head hurts.

 

Girl, if all of this is going on and you two haven't even met, I see nothing but drama and tension... and frankly, he's not worth it.

 

I'd cancel and I would block him. Let him take that drama elsewhere.

[kendahke]

I just don't understand what he means by push me. And why he wanted to do that..

 

He knows you are ripe for the manipulation.

 

He wants to see how much of a sweat he'd have to bust when he emotionally tears you down in earnest; and it seems like he's found a victim who is willing to tie herself to the pyre after she pours the gasoline and strikes the match.

 

Or his sudden change in attitude towards me (had been fun and lighthearted up to now) I guess I'm wondering if he's kinda joking around but you can't hear tone through text. Its. Just spun my head a bit wondering if I did something wrong.

 

No. He's not joking. Abusers seek out women who will consider giving them an audience... all he needs is for you to crack the door open like you have--he'll do the rest.

 

I'm curious about meeting him.....i dunno...

 

I rest my case. You're really that desperate for a boyfriend?

[BlueIris]

This guy you’re talking about is NOT a good safe guy. Don’t get involved with him. Tell him you don’t think you two are a good match and wish him good luck. Expect a tirade or manipulation ploy, but be strong and stay away from him.

 

Read the book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It isn’t really about fear. It’s about intuition and how to realistically assess who is safe and who isn’t. The book also explains how some women tend to override their intuition in order to be fair or to be nice, or even because we get intimidated, how weighing and balancing the good and the bad we see in someone can lead to dismissing clear signs of danger. Great read and very empowering.

[wonderbug111]

i've been talking to this guy. He texts a lot. More than i would prefer at this point really. But when i'm not busy i just roll with it and talk with him. We've talked on the phone too a couple of times. We usually get on well and have a laugh, bur today he's been....different. Crazy?

 

He's planning to see me tomorrow after work, if its mot too hectic (lives a couple hours away) ge asked me to do something for him tomorrow that i can't do. I told him why i can't. He said things like

 

do you always do what you are told?

****ing hell

you can but you just wont

 

then i asked why he's being so difficult. He says. "i wanted to see how far i can push you" i tekk him that's messed up and he says "chill babe"

 

then later on he asks how many guys i talk to. I tell him a few, he says he speaks to "loads" bur only wanna date me and will stop talking to them when we are exclusive. Then he says he's a jealous person, doesn't like me talking to other guys and he will take his old profile down tonight. I tell him he doesn't have to do that! That he might not even like me in person. He says i like mind games! I tell him i will stop talking to others if we become exclusive, which is only fair. His lovely reply is "what's fair is you listen to your man :)"

 

what the heck!? My head hurts. I don't know what got into him tonight.

 

abort abort abort

[siriusp]

What is it about yourself that you dislike so much? I ask because it seems to me that you somehow find his behavior acceptable for you? Why is it ok for someone to treat you like that?

[Confusedovo]

Ok....i told him just now he didn't speak to me nice last night. He said he is sorry and won't do it again. Does this make a difference?

 

I'm not meeting him today anyway, as I'm not feeling too well.

 

Maybe I sound crazy. I'm not desperate for a boyfriend. (although I would love one) I just like to give people a chance. If he treated me like crap in person, id kbiw that's who he is and say goodbye.

 

My last relationship was very abusive. But he was lovely at first, which makes me think this guy might just be a bit clueless. As abusers don't abuse straight away, they are actually perfect when you first get together like my ex was.

[fitnessfan365]

My last relationship was very abusive. But he was lovely at first, which makes me think this guy might just be a bit clueless. As abusers don't abuse straight away, they are actually perfect when you first get together like my ex was.

 

Or you just have some issues of your own that you need to deal with. I mean you're actually trying to rationalize what the acceptable behavior of an abuser is. One of the few benefits of OLD is that you get to find out what type of person someone is before you meet. So if a guy acts the way that he is, you just stop talking to him. However, it's up to you to pay attention to the obvious. BTW - Why even bother meeting a guy that lives two hours away? Do you really want to deal w/that commute on a regular basis?

Edited November 2, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[pteromom]

He told you HE LIKES MIND GAMES.

 

Everything else aside, this is a dealbreaker.

 

Why would you even give someone like that a chance?

 

If you go to meet this guy, you are a fool. Do not force life to teach you another lesson the hard way.

[hippychick3]

Ok....i told him just now he didn't speak to me nice last night. He said he is sorry and won't do it again. Does this make a difference?

 

No.

 

Please get therapy as you haven't listened to any of us.

[Confusedovo]

He told you HE LIKES MIND GAMES.

 

Everything else aside, this is a dealbreaker.

 

Why would you even give someone like that a chance?

 

If you go to meet this guy, you are a fool. Do not force life to teach you another lesson the hard way.

 

No he said I like mind games. As in me. He thinks I was playing mind games cause I said ill stop talking to other guys if we become exclusive. Since that's what he said about otker women.

[Confusedovo]

I can handle 2 hours away. Not a big deal to me.

[pteromom]

Oh - I apologize.

 

Then take this one instead: "what's fair is you listen to your man :)"

 

That isn't cute. It's a clue to who he is.

 

I'm telling you - this guy is bad news. From the jealousy to the wanting to take his profile down before meeting.

 

I have a feeling he has you pegged as his next victim and he's gonna lay it on thick to lure you in.

 

Your best move is to just quit talking to him and move on.

[katiegrl]

Ok....i told him just now he didn't speak to me nice last night. He said he is sorry and won't do it again. Does this make a difference?

 

I'm not meeting him today anyway, as I'm not feeling too well.

 

Maybe I sound crazy. I'm not desperate for a boyfriend. (although I would love one) I just like to give people a chance. If he treated me like crap in person, id kbiw that's who he is and say goodbye.

 

My last relationship was very abusive. But he was lovely at first, which makes me think this guy might just be a bit clueless. As abusers don't abuse straight away, they are actually perfect when you first get together like my ex was.

 

 

Not all abusers behave the same dear.

 

 

Many abusers will test your boundaries in the very early stages (in this case VERY early before even meeting you!).... to see, um, just what he told you.... how far he could push you.

 

 

Believe him!!

 

 

And I am sure there were subtle signs in your last RL that indicated HE was an abuser too....

 

 

History is repeating itself here.... which is very common.

 

 

Did you ever seek therapy after your last abusive RL ended?

 

 

You have attracted yet another abuser .... it might be wise to resolve some issues before embarking on pursing another RL.

 

 

Otherwise you are destined to continue becoming attracted to abusive men...

[rester]

If he treated me like crap in person, id kbiw that's who he is and say goodbye.

 

What is the difference? You want someone in your life that will be rude to you over text, before you've even met, but as long as he's not rude to you face to face, that is acceptable? Life is far too short to waste time on people that don't show you any respect. Move on now. You haven't even met the guy.

 

You're not the one playing games, he is the one that is pushing your buttons to see how far you will let him go with you. He's going to turn everything you don't like around on you. Don't let him. He will always be convincing you that it is your fault.

 

If you do ignore the advice of every poster on here that has told you not go meet him, at the very least do not go to his place or spend the night. Be mindful of your safety. Not kidding. The guy sounds like a creep.

[katiegrl]

What is it about this bozo that intrigues you so much anyway?

 

 

You should explore that within yourself... seriously.

 

 

He sounds horrible!

 

 

Most emotionally healthy women would be blocking him and running in the other direction...

 

 

Arrogant *******....

[Wewon]

 

My last relationship was very abusive. But he was lovely at first, which makes me think this guy might just be a bit clueless. As abusers don't abuse straight away, they are actually perfect when you first get together like my ex was.

 

Few questions:

 

At what point did you start considering your last boyfriend abusive? What was the final straw before you figured it out with him?

 

Also, did anyone warn you about him early on, or was all of your friends and family fooled by him?

 

The reason I ask is because its good to give people the benefit of the doubt, its not so good if it has previously allowed you to be in an abusive relationship. Don't confuse being gracious with having blindspots.

[burnt]

But he was lovely at first, which makes me think this guy might just be a bit clueless.

 

Here…I go. I'm about to post a reply (and most likely will regret the second after I hit 'submit'). I can see a thousand arrows flying in my direction!

 

I write this cautiously, as I myself think I am most likely wrong.

 

Yes 'what the heck??' was my first reaction reading your original post. 'Run' was my second thought.

He is looking for a 'Narcissistic supply' is what came to my mind.

And yet…

 

CURIOUS !!! that was my last thought.

 

I am incredibly inapt when it comes to socially interacting w/ others. Often say the wrong thing in an attempt to be funny (then feel awkward).

So, there's a TEENY TINY possibility that he's clueless and really didn't realize how creepy his comments sounded.

(YES harmless clueless people do exist--I'm the living proof!)

 

So if you are going to entertain your curious mind and continue w/ contact farther and go pet the snarling dog (quoting someone else here…)

be cautious: curiosity kills the cat.

 

(yeah…all of you just shoot me now.)

[hippychick3]

Here…I go. I'm about to post a reply (and most likely will regret the second after I hit 'submit'). I can see a thousand arrows flying in my direction!

 

I write this cautiously, as I myself think I am most likely wrong.

 

Yes 'what the heck??' was my first reaction reading your original post. 'Run' was my second thought.

He is looking for a 'Narcissistic supply' is what came to my mind.

And yet…

 

CURIOUS !!! that was my last thought.

 

I am incredibly inapt when it comes to socially interacting w/ others. Often say the wrong thing in an attempt to be funny (then feel awkward).

So, there's a TEENY TINY possibility that he's clueless and really didn't realize how creepy his comments sounded.

(YES harmless clueless people do exist--I'm the living proof!)

 

So if you are going to entertain your curious mind and continue w/ contact farther and go pet the snarling dog (quoting someone else here…)

be cautious: curiosity kills the cat.

 

(yeah…all of you just shoot me now.)

 

Clueless and harmless, socially inept guys do NOT say they want to see how far they can push you and "chill babe". Controlling, manipulative a******* say that.

[neowulf]

Here…I go. I'm about to post a reply (and most likely will regret the second after I hit 'submit'). I can see a thousand arrows flying in my direction!

 

I write this cautiously, as I myself think I am most likely wrong.

 

Yes 'what the heck??' was my first reaction reading your original post. 'Run' was my second thought.

He is looking for a 'Narcissistic supply' is what came to my mind.

And yet…

 

CURIOUS !!! that was my last thought.

 

I am incredibly inapt when it comes to socially interacting w/ others. Often say the wrong thing in an attempt to be funny (then feel awkward).

So, there's a TEENY TINY possibility that he's clueless and really didn't realize how creepy his comments sounded.

(YES harmless clueless people do exist--I'm the living proof!)

 

So if you are going to entertain your curious mind and continue w/ contact farther and go pet the snarling dog (quoting someone else here…)

be cautious: curiosity kills the cat.

 

(yeah…all of you just shoot me now.)

 

The thing you MUST understand about this place. It's filled with people who actually CARE.

 

If they didn't care about the OP potentially ending up in an abusive relationship, they wouldn't bother posting. It takes time and energy to sit here on a forum, reach out and try to save someone from making life altering mistakes.

 

We're not here to "shoot" anyone. We're trying to help. It's funny, as soon as I saw this thread, I thought to myself "Even money she ignores everything she reads here and ends up going out with the guy anyway".. because that's the pattern of abusers / victims. People who, for often unconscious reasons, just. can't. help. themselves.

 

There are so many men in the world. Why latch on to one that treats you like dirt and hurts you. It's so very very dysfunctional and deeply sad.

[ThisisIt606]

If he's acting this rude and disrespectful towards you know... imagine how he will be AFTER you meet?

[Wewon]

Here…I go. I'm about to post a reply (and most likely will regret the second after I hit 'submit'). I can see a thousand arrows flying in my direction!

 

I write this cautiously, as I myself think I am most likely wrong.

 

Yes 'what the heck??' was my first reaction reading your original post. 'Run' was my second thought.

He is looking for a 'Narcissistic supply' is what came to my mind.

And yet…

 

CURIOUS !!! that was my last thought.

 

I am incredibly inapt when it comes to socially interacting w/ others. Often say the wrong thing in an attempt to be funny (then feel awkward).

So, there's a TEENY TINY possibility that he's clueless and really didn't realize how creepy his comments sounded.

(YES harmless clueless people do exist--I'm the living proof!)

 

So if you are going to entertain your curious mind and continue w/ contact farther and go pet the snarling dog (quoting someone else here…)

be cautious: curiosity kills the cat.

 

(yeah…all of you just shoot me now.)

 

No slings and arrows here. I respect other opinions.

 

There is indeed a chance that you're right, but I was erring on the side of caution and here's why:

 

The exchange that the OP wrote about was actually pretty in depth, he sounds like he was trying to wear her down, not really make a joke, the pushing comment was just the cherry on top. The real problem (to me) was that he wasn't taking no for an answer.

 

The next piece of the puzzle is that the OP has had a previous abusive relationship, so there is a chance that he b.s. detector isn't in the best of shape.

 

The concern that people have is that this last exchange was the thin-end of the wedge. The fear being that worse is yet to come, gradually escalating.

[Confusedovo]

You are all right. I'm not gonna speak to thus guy again. I can not let myself go through what i did again. The abuse, the sorries. The hoping THIS time he means it. I went through hell in the relationship with all types of abuse. and hell leaving too. I didn't do all that (going to refuge etc) to just run into another abusive relationship.

 

What does scare me is how i react to these abusive /dominant types. Its like something in me is so curious about them. I also become instantly submissive. And for that I need therapy (I'm on waiting list but u do attend a freedom programme) This isn't just my last relationship, it goes back to my childhood too. So very deep rooted stuff. However I have to help myself now too. I can't ley myself fall into this trap.

 

I'm gonna block him on whatsapp on OLD. But I'm not sure how to block him from calling or sms. So I kinda expect him to be angry and blow up my phone. However maybe he will just go onto the next girl (poor her)

 

Thank you all so much for taking sense into me! Sometimes I don't wanna believe what's staring ne right in the face

 

I have a date planned with another guy tomorrow afternoon. He's been very normal and kind up to now. Good looking by his pic, interesting good job....so we will see.

 

I do worry ill get fooled again by ab abuser that doesn't show very early signs (like my ex)

[neowulf]

You are all right. I'm not gonna speak to thus guy again. I can not let myself go through what i did again. The abuse, the sorries. The hoping THIS time he means it. I went through hell in the relationship with all types of abuse. and hell leaving too. I didn't do all that (going to refuge etc) to just run into another abusive relationship.

 

What does scare me is how i react to these abusive /dominant types. Its like something in me is so curious about them. I also become instantly submissive. And for that I need therapy (I'm on waiting list but u do attend a freedom programme) This isn't just my last relationship, it goes back to my childhood too. So very deep rooted stuff. However I have to help myself now too. I can't ley myself fall into this trap.

 

I'm gonna block him on whatsapp on OLD. But I'm not sure how to block him from calling or sms. So I kinda expect him to be angry and blow up my phone. However maybe he will just go onto the next girl (poor her)

 

Thank you all so much for taking sense into me! Sometimes I don't wanna believe what's staring ne right in the face

 

I have a date planned with another guy tomorrow afternoon. He's been very normal and kind up to now. Good looking by his pic, interesting good job....so we will see.

 

I do worry ill get fooled again by ab abuser that doesn't show very early signs (like my ex)

 

I'm very relieved to hear that. You deserve to find someone who'll treat you well. Don't allow abusers to get inside your head again.

 

Post as often as you like. The folks here are always happy to call it as they see it

[anna121]

Ok....i told him just now he didn't speak to me nice last night. He said he is sorry and won't do it again. Does this make a difference?

 

 

Not really.

[anna121]

Sorry, just read your latest post.

 

Good for you.