ThisisIt606 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 (edited) The guy I'm dating (we're exclusive) for about 5 months is going though a tough time. Last week he received a call from his best friend (Let's call him Ben) that his mom died and he needed him to come ASAP. This was also the day of my bday celebration. My guy texted me giving me a heads up. He was the friend in charge of letting everyone know about the death. I expressed how sorry I was to hear of Ben's mom's passing. Basically my guy ended up having to leave my celebration early and had to reschedule our dinner plans to be with Ben (out of state drive). I told him I understood, and we could reschedule dinner. I told him he is a great friend,and it's great Ben has him as a friend. I also said, I know ben doesn't know me, but tell him I'm sorry to hear about his mom.My guy kept thanking me for being so understanding. He texted me later that night apologizing again about having to leave and thanked me for being understanding. I told him not to worry about it and expressed how sorry I was again for what he was going through. He told me he would be gone the entire week to be with his friend and attend services at the end of the week. I would text him during the work day to see how he was doing. I also texted him as I normally did (funny pictures, links, etc) to keep our convo upbeat and funny. I mostly let him steer for contacting me, as I knew he was very stressed, sad, and played a big role in organizing services. He sent me reservations to reschedule my bday dinner and included a note that he was sorry again he had to bail and on the plus side he was able to upgrade to my first choice. I sent him a text thanking him telling him he was the best and I liked his note. We had dinner last night. It was fine, but he definitely seemed sad. Describing himself as his "brain not working", didn't get much sleep the entire week, etc. I tried to keep convo upbeat, and also listed when he talked about his tough weekend, expressing and agreeing how horrible and sad it was. I also asked some questions about the woman who passed (what she did for a living, etc) As the evening went on things got better. We had sex( I dressed up for him in halloween/lingere) and he really enjoyed it and said it helped relieve a lot of stress. We cuddled for a long time and then we then watched his fav halloween movie. He was definitely struggling to stay away so I jokingly told him "i'm making the executive decision to go to bed" we went to bed, cuddled as we normally do, and he was out cold- slept like a rock. We cuddled again in the AM, had sex again, and cuddled for a long time after as we normally do. As I was cleaning up/gathering my things, I noticed him lying on the couch. I asked how he was and he said everything just hit him, he hasn't stopped since last weekend and was so tired. I told him he's been through a lot mentally, emotionally, and physically. We just sat in silence for a bit and I held him/cuddled. I told him I could Uber home if he didn't want to drive anymore than he has been all weekend. He said no, I'll take you home. I thanked him and said we could leave now if he wanted... I told him I didn't want to prevent him from going about his day and just having some time to himself. He said he appreciated it, but he also liked staying "like this" (cuddling on the couch). Earlier he asked if I wanted anything to eat. He said he didn't have much food as he was gone all week and threw everything out bc he thought it would spoil. I told him no thank you and that I was fine. (I didnt want to put him through any trouble of cooking breakfast as he normally does) Soon after we left, made a stop a coffee place because I wanted to get something, i asked if he wanted anything and he said no, and then he took me home. I'm not very good at sentimental/emotional talks and I've only had my grandparents pass away. So i'm very clueless on how to proceeded. Tonight I texted him: ME: Hey, how did the rest of your day go? ME: Hope you were able to catch up with what you needed and relax a bit HIM: Rest of the day has been alright. Relaxing a bit now. How was rehearsal? ME: THat's good, it must have be nice to finally stop and take some time to yourself. Rehearsal went well! ME: (more talk about rehearsal) HIM: THat must be exciting to see more of it coming together ^ this didn't sound like him, a bit distant (sad) and lack of emojis, exclamation, etc. So I decided to bring the convo back to him ME:I know we talked about it a bit today, but would you like to go to dinner for your bday? I can make reservations somewhere. HIM: Yeah that'd be great thanks ME: No problem:) Does your actual bday work or is another day better for you? Also, any preferences on where? HIM: I'll try and think of a couple of places. Yeah my actual bday should work well. ME: Sounds good! Let me know and I'll book:) HIM: Awesome thanks ME: No problem, it will be fun *set a gif of dogs in party hats* HIM: haha definitely HIM: Alright well I'm kinda struggling currently so I think I am going to go try and get my head on straight, thanks again. I'll ttyl ME:I'm here if you need anything:) try and be good to yourself, you've been through a lot. Ttyl HIM: You're the best. Thanks ^ end of convo. I just feel so helpless and don't know if I'm doing a good job being supportive of his needs? I'm trying to say some kind/supportive words but also give him his space. I didn't know his friend or anyone from the funeral. Any thoughts on how to be supportive or what to say? I'm going to text him tonight again before it gets too late something like: "just checking in to see how you're doing. If you need to talk I'm here <3. I'll leave the executive decision to get to bed early tonight to you this time " Edited November 2, 2015 by ThisisIt606
kendahke Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do for a person is to leave them alone to sort their feelings out and to not make what they're dealing with about you, because it isn't. He already knows that you're concerned and that you're there if he needs you. Let him sit with his awful feelings of watching his boy's nadir over his mother's death and being strong for him. He had to be emotionally strong for two people-something he didn't plan on. I'm sure he acquitted himself admirably and now, as with all post-funerals, the weight of what has happened has come to settle on him. Having lost a parent when I was 17, once the shock wears off, the emotions are like a deluge. He needs to process this out without you constantly doing the "I'm here! I'm here!!" 1
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