dgiirl Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Ok, I'm having my panic/anxiety attack now. Ex kind of confirmed he wants to come over tonight to pick up mail/etc. I think it's been almost 2(or 3?) months since we've actually seen each other. I need to keep my composure, look happy, not depressed, not get angry, and not cry. Any tips?
greenhorn Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Have one of your friend with you during that time, it would also give a signal to him that you are not desperate to get one moment alone with him even if it was just like for some formality.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Drink some decaffinated tea before he comes over. Maybe go for a calming walk beforehand. Try to remain calm and composed, as hard as that might be. Try not to be overly talkative, which is something I usually do when I get nervous. If it would help you, ask for a friend to be at home with you when he comes over...that way things don't get too intense. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
Opium Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Take a Zany first you're hyper-ventalating...lol (if that's how you spell it) But honestly keep it cool and don't act nervous, it's a sign of weakness in some ways. Just remember why you broke up and get him in and out in 5 min.
Author dgiirl Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 *sigh* i dont have any friends in the area to come over. Well, the painter should be coming over too, so it's not soo bad. I just want to be happy go lucky to show him what he's missing.
greenhorn Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Yes, it is a good idea to be happy go lucky, even if you had to pretend. Don't let him feel in any way that you are devastated or anything like that due to him leaving you. A caveat - don't be overly happy it might show
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Don't worry about being "happy go lucky", just be yourself. If you want him to miss anything, do you want him to miss YOU or an unreal persona you put on? I'm not saying you should show him how sad you're feeling. You can keep your depression about things in check without going to the opposite extreme.
Author dgiirl Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 Well, before he left, I was depressed. So he didnt really see the happy me for a while. Not sure if that's the reason he left or not, so I just want to be the happy me, not the depressed me hehehe it helps to freak out on this forum, instead of in front of him
CurlyIam Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Don't put up an act or a show, he knows you, he'll see through you. Just be yourself, give him the mail, answer briefly his "hello" and his "how are you" and then be done with it. You're not passing an exam, for crying out loud. And why is he coming at your house? Can't you send all his stuff on his address? I don't like the sound of that. Refuse to take part in the "pretend" game and don't invite him for tea or coffee!!
Author dgiirl Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam Don't put up an act or a show, he knows you, he'll see through you. Just be yourself, give him the mail, answer briefly his "hello" and his "how are you" and then be done with it. You're not passing an exam, for crying out loud. And why is he coming at your house? Can't you send all his stuff on his address? I don't like the sound of that. Refuse to take part in the "pretend" game and don't invite him for tea or coffee!! You're right about the act. And I'm not planning on putting on a show. I just want to be myself, the way I've been when I'm at work/friends. But I tend to get so angry/sad when I'm with him now, and I dont want to do that. I dont really know why he's coming over. He's my stbxh. I'm still flipflopping between denial/acceptance, grief and anger. I know I've gotten a lot better in my own spirits, and I just want to continue with this and show him i'm not crying over him. Obviously, I do want him back, and I hope with this visit I'll either know why, or not even want him anymore.
FolderWife Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 I never was good at playing it cool. Don't be happy...just be nice. Like, invite him in, ask him if he'd like something to drink, offer to take his coat (if he has one)... Then, don't talk about anything deep! Just talk about the weather. If you had a joint pet, talk about the pet. If you have kids, talk about the kids. SMALL TALK about work. Like, "Work is so exhausting lately...they changed the computer system, and now everything is all messed up...*sigh* Oh well...I love it there " and leave it at that. No big long winded speech about ANYTHING. small talk, small talk, small talk. If he acts like he wants to discuss "us" DON'T. It's too soon. He probably won't even stay very long. Try to keep it brief...keep him wanting more. If you keep him longer than he wants, he won't have a chance to miss you at all. So...be nice. Small talk. Keep it short. Don't try to trick him into staying longer. After thirty minutes, excuse yourself...say...oh heck, just excuse yourself to the bathroom. That will give the conversation a chance to end, then when you return, remain standing...that will give him an excuse to stand up, and since your conversation has ended, he'll feel comfortable leaving. If he doesn't take the unconcious cue, and leave after a minute or two, sit down, and continue it for another half an hour. If at any time he seems restless (even if he's only been there five minutes) stand up help him leave. If you're sitting and drinking, stand up. Ask him if he'd like something to nibble on. That gives him an excuse to say, "No, I think I'll be heading out." Be nice when he leaves. "Ok, it was good to see you." Don't hug him unless he initiates it. DON'T KISS HIM. If he leans in to kiss you, turn and let him peck your cheek. Don't make it an emotional hug if you do hug him...make it a friendly hug. Act like he's an old friend that you haven't seen for a few months...not the love of your life. That will make him miss you. If he knows he still has your heart, he won't want it. If he thinks it's OVER...he may miss what he once had with you. Be nice. Like a friend. Small talk. Don't keep him more than an hour. Let him miss you. Don't talk about anything deep.
Author dgiirl Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 Ok, my stbx is an a$$ and stood me up again. But I had a pleasant conversation with him on the phone telling him to call me next time he knows he wont be coming over. (I wonder if he reads this forum?! ) I didnt even cry afterwards, and totally kept my composure when I was on the phone. I'm healing baby! Plus, the painter was a cutie! Thanks everyone for your support
Humbledog Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Iwas wondering why nobody asked about the painter!!!
CurlyIam Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Oh, I'm sorry, dgiirl! I hate it when that happens . Good for you for not making too many expectations!
Humbledog Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 I'm absolutley new here but you made it clear " The painter was a cutie" which I Think means you might find interest elswhere and are willing to think in that direction!! Relax and look at what's looking at you!! I'll bet that painter was and probably many others!!!
Author dgiirl Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam Oh, I'm sorry, dgiirl! I hate it when that happens . Good for you for not making too many expectations! Thanks curly. Dont be too sorry tho I told him very assertively (not aggressively), that to confirm with me a few days in advance because I have things to do. He then hmmed and hawed if he should come over. I told him if he wants come over, great, that way I can get his mail out of the way. Then he said nah, he doesnt feel too good. I said, Ok, well i have to go back to work, cya. Then I called my girlfriend. We both think this is a power trip he's playing on me, and it's not working too well. Then we talked about the painter and all the fun we're going to have once I move Friends are the best! Also, I've read your stories about your ex, and well, he's not worth your time. I've seen your other avatar, and damn you're pretty
Author dgiirl Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by Humbledog I'm absolutley new here but you made it clear " The painter was a cutie" which I Think means you might find interest elswhere and are willing to think in that direction!! Relax and look at what's looking at you!! I'll bet that painter was and probably many others!!! Thanks humbledog *sigh* In time, I might find interest elsewhere. Right now I just like to daydream about finding interest elsewhere lol
CurlyIam Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 It's soo good to make him feel that you have the power, doesn't it? Don't know if he did it on purpose, but it sure wasn't nice! I can't understand why he just didn't call? Simple: "hi, I'm not gonna make it, I'll call you later and explain why, sorry, bye!" How hard can it be? Friends are great at making you feel better initally, but the thing is you have to carry this struggle on your own, inside. Painter or no painter, it is nice to think that one day we'll be emotioanlly available again, huh? Thank you for your kind thoughts, dgiirl. We have to both fight our deamons, deep inside!
Author dgiirl Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam Don't know if he did it on purpose, but it sure wasn't nice! I can't understand why he just didn't call? Simple: "hi, I'm not gonna make it, I'll call you later and explain why, sorry, bye!" How hard can it be? I donno. It's not like he doesnt know the phone number. He use to _live_ here. Friends are great at making you feel better initally, but the thing is you have to carry this struggle on your own, inside. Yah, but friends give you a great perspective on life. You can ask each one, and they'll give you a different point of view. But each one has helped me a lot. I use to believe everything my ex told me about life. I put him on a high pedestal, and now I'm realizing he doesnt know jack, just like the rest of us. Painter or no painter, it is nice to think that one day we'll be emotioanlly available again, huh? Definitely I'm starting to feel alive again Far from ready to be in a relationship, but in time. I dont want to be bitter, because then my ex won. I'm going to be better.
CurlyIam Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Far from ready to be in a relationship, but in time. I dont want to be bitter, because then my ex won. What did he win? He didn't win a damn thing, dgiirl. He lost. He lost it all, he lost you, he lost your relationship, he lost your respect... I have been involved once with someone I really did respect and I thought I was soooo lucky to have him in my life only to discover he was a great friend and a lousy lover/bf. I don't know what really happened, but I'm certain he didn't win nothing!
Author dgiirl Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam I have been involved once with someone I really did respect and I thought I was soooo lucky to have him in my life only to discover he was a great friend and a lousy lover/bf. That pretty much describes my marriage. I thought we were great friends. But the way he left only proves even that wasnt true. A great friend will not hurt you so badly. He would tell you what he's feeling. He would give you a chance to work things out. He'd respect you enough to let you know what's going on and let you make decisions together. Mine just upped and left. I don't know what really happened, but I'm certain he didn't win nothing! The only thing he could win right now is if I let him ruin my life. If I let him continue to be the center of my universe and dwell on him day and night, then he's won. I'm trying not to let him do that. Of course I'm having my relapses, but they will pass and I will be happy again w/o him.
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