sjclsnb Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Ok so a little back story, I'm 28 she's 26, we met through mutual friends. We have been seeing each other for 2 months, the attractions there, we have a good time together we laugh and joke, share some of the same ideals, really seem to click, I am into her and have been told I am the perfect package and it seems to good to be true by her friend. Here is the thing she is scheduled for a second operation to remove a tumor in her neck, very scary thing, and I think its taking a toll on her. She sat me down a month in and told me she is going to try to keep this at arms length while she goes through this, said she leaned on somebody before the first surgery and he bailed so she is taking it all on herself as a growing experience. She has never had a very good support system, has no relationship with her parents and very limited with her siblings, she has been very independent from an early age so I can see where she is coming from, so I agreed that whatever she thought was best. One of her rules has been that she will never text a guy first or make plans, that was going to be all on me, past experience told her that initially guys will seem interested and then ghost fast forward to a two weeks ago, she was stressing so I buy her flowers and leave them on her front door step, she loves them! Tells all her girlfriends and posts them to facebook, two things that surprised me, then I wake up two days in a row to texts, then she opens fortune cookies and reads into them in a flirty way. Im thinking to myself this is a good thing maybe she is starting to come out of her shell a little bit, that the effort I've been putting in is paying off. The next day she tells me she is running away from life and doesn't want to talk about it, she gets back and I take her to dinner and the topic is what is the meaning of life. This starts a bit of back and forth between us she won't tell me whats going on and is getting mad at me for trying to help. She is telling me that I don't understand, that I can't understand, I'm trying to sympathize with her, trying to be a good guy and show you that I'll be there in any capacity she needs and she is taking it all as an attack on her and she is walking away because of it. I don't have a lot invested, but I do like her, I feel like she is a person I could see myself spending time with, anybody have any advice for a situation like this?
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Back off, she doesn't want to talk about so respect that. When you push she feels her privacy is being invaded. This is too personal to be sharing with someone she is just dating. She wants the time with you to be positive, happy and enjoyable.....let her have it.
kendahke Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 (edited) Sounds like she has no healthy examples of relationships given this: She... ...has no relationship with her parents and very limited with her siblings If this primary relationship construct is a shambles, then it stands to reason that she never learned what a healthy relationship constitutes and therefore, without some intensive therapy, she doesn't know how to conduct a healthy relationship. All she knows is how to conduct a dysfunctional relationship--she understands her part quite well--avoidance, pushing people away who get too close, etc. IOW: she needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend at this point in her life. One of the things that determines how well a relationship will play out is how each person handles crisis. It may be early days, but still, going in for an operation to remove a tumor isn't going in for a flu shot. You care, so it stands to reason that you'd want to be there for her and show support. That's not unreasonable to a person with a healthy relationship mindset; it is, however, for a person such as herself. Perhaps the other guy bailed on her for exactly the same reasons why she's actively pushing you away: so she can be right about not being able to count on people. Well yeah, when you're pushing them away, that tends to happen. Edited November 2, 2015 by kendahke
Author sjclsnb Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 Smackie, I have maintained a distance when it comes to the subject of the surgery. Anything that has been shared has been willfully done on her part, she tells me about the pre op appointments and what the doctors have told her, she's even shared the imaging pictures with me without being asked. I am not trying to push my way into this, there is nothing I can do. I'm not a neurosurgeon. Kendahke, the way that it was explained to me is that she met the guy just as she found out about the tumors and took it as a sign and she leaned into him for support, he wasn't ready for a relationship especially with the situation and left. She is close to her cousins and her aunt and has been friends with the friend we share for many many years. In fact the fortune cookie said soon a life long friend would be made and she was kind of looking for me to say that I could see her as one in a flirty tone, but I just couldn't I didn't want to say anything too forward. I think part of it is she doesn't know how to handle support. I think she's scared and is confused about a lot of things in her life which I can understand. I'm just not sure how telling her that I'll be there to help her if she needs anything is so wrong, and that I'm not forcing anything on her all I can be is a release from it an escape or an ear. We aren't communicating well and the only option I have is to back away, but I won't revisit it for the very reason you said, it's how we handle the crisis, it was either gonna teach us a lot about each other or cause us to go our separate ways.
Versacehottie Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Well you have to figure this is a very hard time for her. Health crisis' will do that to people. They don't want to seem needy yet they are dealing with things bigger than a new relationship. It's scary and she doesn't want to dump on you or have you get weird about it----as has already happened to her!! It could be a sign that she's too private and closed off for you two to be compatible but you have to take things in context. This is a highly unusual situation and you as a couple are very new. It's probably all overwhelming and she doesn't want to be drama. I think when someone is going through something like this it's a bit of a tightrope to do the right thing. But the best thing you can do is just follow their lead and be as supportive as you can within what they allow. My thought would be nice if you could do things that take her mind off of the seriousness of what she is going through. You can preface it once by saying that in a light, cheery manner so she knows that you aren't making light of what she is going through. And then she can decide whether or not to accept the distraction. I think sometimes people who want to be private, appreciate the distraction. Some people want to go deep into feelings and emotions at this time and that may just not be for her even if it is the way you would handle it. That would probably be a problem of compatibility in the long run but you can give the relationship a fair chance and try to make it through this in way that's comfortable for her. And then deal with real compatibility comparisons later. Good luck
Author sjclsnb Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 That has been my standpoint from the get go, I tried to stay away from the subject of the surgery and anything to do with a relationship talk and just have fun with her. I feel like she began to mix the two situations, I guess it's hard not to with something like this. We have been very open with each other about things, our pasts, family, all the things I know about her came directly from her she is very easy to talk to that way. I guess things aren't anything now, she's taken everything the wrong way, and I guess my only pitfall was getting frustrated with her, and it did take away from just trying to have fun. I screwed up. I think she really did like what she saw in me, everything is just becoming too much. I couldn't calm her fears about it being unfair to me.
Zippy2000 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 When you date someone in the early stages its about fun, laughter and enjoying each other company. To hear you talking about the meaning of life. Really? On a date in the early stages? Geeso! Also if someone doesn't want to talk about it. Let it go. Give it time and bring it up if need be in a different environment with no distractions or a more private setting. Its only been 2 months. I don't know you and how you are with this girl but you do sound like an aggressive dater. Ease on the has a little my friend and give the girl some breathing space.
Httm Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Find someone who is ready for a real relationship. She isn't.
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