EverHope Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Hi all. Hopefully someone can offer some insight from their experience. Ive known this man since we were kids. We're now in our late 20's. We've always had a thing for each other, but timing was never on our side. I played the typical, hard to get girl all through high school and college; I wasnt ready for a relationship with him during those times. I was young and busy with sports and my friends. I've always valued his friendship, and he has always valued mine. We've never interfered with each other's relationships. Instead, we've supported each other's happiness and supported each other during the difficult times, as well. We kissed once when i was home on break from school... about 7 or 8 years ago. Not only did i really like it and him, but i had an immature moment and freaked out because of my feelings and pushed him away. He was truly a saint about it and was very understanding when i apologized about it. Another couple years went by, and I finally worked up the nerve to tell him i wanted to give us a try. He had just started dating a girl the week before and I was unaware, which made him feel terrible and me feel terribly stupid. He has since gone on to say that not leaving her immediately was one of his worst decisions. He was in that relationship for four years, during which time i met the man I ended up marrying. Skip forward to six years later (to late July), and I'm 8 months into my separation and divorce from that horribly controlling husband. I get a text from my friend (we typically did keep in very general touch during our respective relationships, very platonically), and he said "Are you up?" "Yes, what happened?" "I think my gf and i just broke up." I talked to him for hours that night, commiserating and offering my support. We started hanging out very casually, just for the companionship. It took a bit, but a few weeks later, I realized that floods of old feelings were starting to resurface. Because of our circumstances, I kept things as quiet as possible, but we both eventually had to acknowledge the elephant in the room-- the lost chances, the crazy set of circumstances that almost seemed to be bringing us together. He said he wanted time to be single and insisted that we take things slow. For a few weeks, the most we did was snuggle while watching movies. On his birthday (late Sept.), I gave him a kiss on the cheek as I was leaving and turned to get in my car. He pulled me back around and went in for the real thing. I didnt refuse, of course, taking things for what they were and assuming he was operating within his comfort level. Things escalated from there within the next week (not my ultimate call, but his), and that led to me beginning to question him about the status of things. He kept saying that he really wasnt ready for a new relationship, and that if i were anyone else, he wouldnt even be doing what we were doing. At that point, it's almost as though he felt that the situation was a combination of my tempting him and him not sticking to his guns enough. He said he felt like an ass and that he would understand if i wanted to walk away. Walk away? Why would i do that? Fast forward, and we're still at the same point we were then, and it's now three-four months after his breakup. Im head over heels for him. I want nothing more than to show him what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who has and will always care about him. (His last two have been terribly one-sided.) He's still keeping me waiting, which isn't something I'm accustomed to but am attempting to patiently do for him. It's difficult. We hang out frequently, and he calls what we're doing "dating" or "trying to figure things out". But we act like a couple... he says hes not planning on dating anyone else until we do figure it out, mostly because of our unique situation and because he doesnt want to hurt me. He says I'm a wonderful person and that I'm worth it to him. But we're in a de facto relationship that he won't acknowledge exists, and I feel more hurt and worthless by the day. Maybe he's not over his ex yet... maybe he wants my divorce to be totally final. Why put me in my current position if he thinks, feels, or knows these things? I'm almost at the point of bringing this to a head and pushing him for answers, but I dont know if it will even help. Im not a fan of wasting my time, and I feel like I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. What do you guys think?
phineas Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 You don't want to waste your time, but think about how much time HE wasted on you? From am man's point of view, I won't get serious with a woman only separated. separated women are just for fun. If it was a friend and I have had female friends separated, that's a no fly zone for me.
Author EverHope Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 I fully understand your perspective. The only reason I assume thats not the ultimate issue with him is because he's known me and my patterns for years. He knows there won't be any uncertainty with us because of my ex, and its also not like we'd be getting married while i still trchnically have a piece of paper indicating that I'm married to someone else. I guess if that were his true hold up, I'd expect him to have told me that by now. I'd be totally understanding; at least I'd know what his deal is.
Author EverHope Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 You don't want to waste your time, but think about how much time HE wasted on you? I'm not sure what you mean by this. He dated other people during the time he and i weren't interacting. We've had crossed signals and bad timing, but never a situation where he's been pining after me while I made him wait.
Versacehottie Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 You just need to create a little space. If you are starting to feel more worthless by the day (as would be normal when one person is available and ready but the other one isn't), you need to have some space for your own sake. I think it seems like you will end up together. But you can't let him be so sure of that or in wanting to prove you will be a good girlfriend give him that already. If you are close, close friends like you are, you can't always be available to him. That's what's making you feel bad--it's not reciprocated. I just think he's not ready. If he gets exactly what he wants being "not ready", he is not liable to change anything or make a move toward really being a couple. Give him time and space so he can "get there" and so that you can protect your self esteem. Good luck. I'm kinda sure you will end up together
Author EverHope Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) I see what you mean. I know that men like the chase, and usually, theyre the ones pursuing me. I kind of stumbled into this, and so far, it's seemed almost 50/50 in terms of setting up dates or movie nights. But it's probably true that I need to make myself less available. I'm already like a gf and giving him that level of commitment, and I'm not getting the same dynamic in return. Now i just have to figure out how to take a step back without making him feel unwanted or confused. Edited November 1, 2015 by EverHope 1
Versacehottie Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I see what you mean. I know that men like the chase, and usually, theyre the ones pursuing me. I kind of stumbled into this, and so far, it's seemed almost 50/50 in terms of setting up dates or movie nights. But it's probably true that I need to make myself less available. I'm already like a gf and giving him that level of commitment, and I'm not getting the same dynamic in return. Now i just have to figure out how to take a step back without making him feel unwanted or confused. In the case of such good friends like you are, it's probably less of the chase reason but at least a chance for him to miss you and get some clarity. Plus rightfully he needs to recover from his last relationship some more. For you, as soon as it starts to affect your self-esteem or your feeling about him and you two as a couple, you need to give yourself space so that you do not make yourself a doormat to him or become more attached to something that will never be. He had you on a pedestal slightly (in a good way before). Trying to show that you will be a good girlfriend is the kiss of death. He already knows that. In a way, trying to show him at this juncture will just give him a pressured feeling and a desperate vibe from you. Plus he should only get gf-you, if he puts in bf-work himself to earn that. See? It's really hard when you are good friends and everyone thinks you are a couple and in all ways you behave like one. It's hard not to say yes to everything he wants to do, every time he wants to see you but you have to say no sometimes--remember that's the person he fell in love with before. I feel pretty safe saying that--i think that's where he still is. But on other hand people grow and change and you have to, for your own protection, not just be at his beck and call. He won't respect that. Good luck.
katiegrl Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 (edited) I am wondering if he was perhaps more *in love* with the fantasy of having a relationship you... and now that it appears that fantasy is becoming a reality, he's become a bit ambivalent about you and your relationship. I mean for years, he could not "have" you. One thing or another prevented you from being together, despite the strong attraction. This is the stuff romantic novels and movies are made from! All these years, he thought about you, what it would be like "being" with you, fantasized about you. No pressure, no expectations, no responsibilities. Now you (and a relationship with you) have a become a reality, and although I am sure you are a beautiful wonderful woman, let's face it, reality is never ever as good as the fantasy! The fact this fantasy of you (and relationship with you) continued for so many years, makes the transition into reality all the more difficult (for him). And he is now ambivalent, which IMO is understandable. He may also feel pressured... I agree with Versacehottie.. pull back and give him space. Either he will eventually feel comfortable with the *reality* of you, or he won't. Let him come to you, do not push for more.... pull back. Don't worry if he becomes a bit uncertain and insecure. In this case, this would actually be a good thing! Those feelings may be the push he needs to realize how much he really does love you and wants to be with you! Best wishes and good luck. Keep us posted! Edited November 2, 2015 by katiegrl 1
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