Malcolm_X Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 So after some time, I've observed a repeating pattern in my interaction with girls... (not a rule, but happened several times) and I want to know where I went wrong. Brief description of the most recent situation... I was hanging around with a girl for some time, we have a lot of mutual interests, everything seemed to be good etc. The other day we spent the whole evening/night at a party and she seemed to be really showing interest. I am not that experienced with girls, but I am really good at observing people and their mood/intentions and I was sure all is going well. We then went back to her place, smoked some, and were going to watch a movie. Of course I didn't give a **** about the movie, as you can imagine.. and I had the feeling she did neither and was just waiting for me to make a move. But when I finally did - she rejected me. Of course I was respectful and didn't push on her... (I also could've asked her what was the reason for this, but I am not sure if it would be appropriate in that situation) Even after thinking about the whole situation again, I can't seem to find out where I went wrong. However I am not unfamiliar with this kind of approach from the girls, as I mentioned.. they seem to like you, waiting for you to make the move - and when you finally do, they retract themselves unexpectedly, with no apparent reason. Anybody can provide me with some insights on this ? I am sure many of you came across a similar situation before. Thanks.
Buddhist Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 The answer is obvious because it's a repeating pattern for you. You're not as good at reading other people's intentions as you think you are. You're getting it wrong on a regular basis. 3
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Because you hang out with them then "make a move" these women may think you think they are easy because you don't even bother asking them on a date. 1
Author Malcolm_X Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 Because you hang out with them then "make a move" these women may think you think they are easy because you don't even bother asking them on a date. because I don't want a gf.. if she invites me for wine at 2 in the night, I guess she doesn't care about dating either. @Buddhist - you are right. It's something that I do consistently wrong at the final stage... that's why I am curious to find out what exactly the problem is.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 People I don't think that he is misreading signals. I hope it is OK to mention a commercial entity but not as an advertisement of any kind. I think the OP was assuming that as the kids say, they were going to "streaming video service & Chill". Which apparently now is a euphemism for having sex. Men have had just as much of a problem missing these signals from women. Here is the thing. Based on your name I am going to assume you are an African American. Malcolm X is a very African American symbol so I hope I do not offend. I am too. Might I ask how old are you and how old are these girls? Are the girls white? I am going to answer under the following assumptions. You are young and so are they. You are a African American and these young ladies may not be. Those girls may very well want to "streaming video service& Chill" on an emotional level. First of all interracial relationships are still very much taboo to many people. African American man + white woman is singled out in particular. So those girls may find the idea of being with you appealing on an instinctive level that you pick up on. However, when you actually make a move they pull back. They don't want the stigma that attaches to non-black women in relationships with black men. Even if the interracial dynamic is not a factor. You sound young. They are young. Young people often want to only go so far so fast. Young people often don't know what they really want deep down and instead do what they think will earn them praise. So these girls may want you and you read that right....but they also don't want the censure that goes with being sexually active "too easily". I've been where you are. I am black, transgender/ gender non conforming... no one is "supposed to" like me. Yet plenty of people express interest and I have had relationships. When you are a minority of any kind finding the really right mate for you is complicated.
Author Malcolm_X Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 People I don't think that he is misreading signals. I hope it is OK to mention a commercial entity but not as an advertisement of any kind. I think the OP was assuming that as the kids say, they were going to "streaming video service & Chill". Which apparently now is a euphemism for having sex. Men have had just as much of a problem missing these signals from women. Here is the thing. Based on your name I am going to assume you are an African American. Malcolm X is a very African American symbol so I hope I do not offend. I am too. Might I ask how old are you and how old are these girls? Are the girls white? I am going to answer under the following assumptions. You are young and so are they. You are a African American and these young ladies may not be. Those girls may very well want to "streaming video service& Chill" on an emotional level. First of all interracial relationships are still very much taboo to many people. African American man + white woman is singled out in particular. So those girls may find the idea of being with you appealing on an instinctive level that you pick up on. However, when you actually make a move they pull back. They don't want the stigma that attaches to non-black women in relationships with black men. Even if the interracial dynamic is not a factor. You sound young. They are young. Young people often want to only go so far so fast. Young people often don't know what they really want deep down and instead do what they think will earn them praise. So these girls may want you and you read that right....but they also don't want the censure that goes with being sexually active "too easily". I've been where you are. I am black, transgender/ gender non conforming... no one is "supposed to" like me. Yet plenty of people express interest and I have had relationships. When you are a minority of any kind finding the really right mate for you is complicated. I laughed so hard at your post thanks for the input. And to answer your question.. I am white and young, they are white and young as well.
Wewon Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 The other day we spent the whole evening/night at a party and she seemed to be really showing interest. I am not that experienced with girls, but I am really good at observing people and their mood/intentions and I was sure all is going well. We then went back to her place, smoked some, and were going to watch a movie. Of course I didn't give a **** about the movie, as you can imagine.. and I had the feeling she did neither and was just waiting for me to make a move. But when I finally did - she rejected me. Of course I was respectful and didn't push on her... (I also could've asked her what was the reason for this, but I am not sure if it would be appropriate in that situation) My take is that you are misreading signals, confusing comfort with romantic interest. That's not meant as a dig, women's signals are confusing, they change from woman-to-woman and most guys are always uncertain about what they are reading. That being said, stop making your moves to soon, go out on dates feel them out better. Its better to find out that she sees you as a friend under less awkward circumstances.
Buddhist Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 because I don't want a gf.. if she invites me for wine at 2 in the night, I guess she doesn't care about dating either. And here is the exact problem for you. Most women DO want a relationship, they don't want to be your masturbatory toy. So they pick up that you want them sexually but expect sex and then for them to disappear. Really, who really wants to engage with that? Learn that women are people, not just a means for you to get off. I think they realise what you are on about and decide for themselves that actually they don't want to be your one night stand. Can't say I blame them.
Imported Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 How do you "go for it"? And what made you decide to do so?
Mrlonelyone Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I laughed so hard at your post thanks for the input. And to answer your question.. I am white and young, they are white and young as well. White and young and you choose the name Malcolm X. Be prepared to have lots of us assume you are black. So racial issues aren't a factor. I don't think these very young women are looking for something really serious if they ask you to drink wine and "streaming video & Chill" (I really hate that euphemism). I say they asked you up wanting to "go for it"... then they either flaked out on it or you turn them off somehow. As a young man, early - mid 20's be prepared for early-mid 20's women to make plans then flake on them. (Men that age do the same thing.) Plans to hook up, plans to date, plans to go on trips, plans to do anything. Many people your age will say something and really mean it in the moment...but then the next moment want something different and really mean that...and so on. You can either wait for women your age to grow out of it or date older women who will generally know what they want more.
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 because I don't want a gf.. if she invites me for wine at 2 in the night, I guess she doesn't care about dating either. Not necessarily true. Wanting company at 2 a.m. could be somebody to talk to or drink with. It's not automatically about sex. If she gets the vibe that you are only in it for that night, it explains why you consistently run into the same problem. The common denominator is you. Remember that. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Not necessarily true. Wanting company at 2 a.m. could be somebody to talk to or drink with. It's not automatically about sex. If she gets the vibe that you are only in it for that night, it explains why you consistently run into the same problem. The common denominator is you. Remember that. Did you watch the clip about Coffee being sex. An invite to a private room at that hour is about the chance for sex to happen. Once you get them in the room there are many more steps to the dance......but it is a chance that sex can happen. What the OP wants to know is how is he blowing it. He may be skipping the steps between coming into the room and jumping into bed. 1
Versacehottie Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 because I don't want a gf.. if she invites me for wine at 2 in the night, I guess she doesn't care about dating either. WRONG. MANY GIRLS CARE OR WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE GF MATERIAL. THAT'S ONE MISTAKE @Buddhist - you are right. It's something that I do consistently wrong at the final stage... that's why I am curious to find out what exactly the problem is. YEAH, I THINK YOU DON'T READ THEM AS GOOD AS YOU THINK YOU DO--PLUS YOU ARE NOT OFFERING MUCH And another thing that's a possibility: the first "rejection" is not really a rejection. It's an attempt by the girl to change your impression of her being easy; to have you do a little more in the romance/even passion dept to make it feel like they are something special. They go there being hopeful and then you don't do much in way of proper flirting, compliments/banter, something that makes her feel special or different than just a piece of meat. You don't want a relationship and it probably shows. That's why some guys pretend to want a relationship because it leads to girls taking the bait. You aren't offering much other than free weed and a bad movie. Just saying. If a girl was a least somewhat caught up in the moment, the rejections wouldn't be consistent across the board. So it's probably some combo of those reasons. Plus if the girls even slightly know each other or have a way of thru friend of friend knowing who you are, trust me word is out. Anyway, good luck 3
smackie9 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 So if you are just being a buddy and hope that hanging out will eventually get them to drop their panties, you are doing it all wrong, you need to stimulate them emotionally.Flirt, make them feel desired, sexy, it makes them drop their guard. You don't need to promise anything, just make them feel special. 3
thecrucible Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I was hanging around with a girl for some time, we have a lot of mutual interests, everything seemed to be good etc. The other day we spent the whole evening/night at a party and she seemed to be really showing interest. What clues did you observe that indicated interest to you? Of course I didn't give a **** about the movie, as you can imagine.. and I had the feeling she did neither and was just waiting for me to make a move. How did you make your move? I say this because there has to be a build up, not just go in for a kiss. Like if you start off by touching her somewhere or flirting and see how she reacts. as I mentioned.. they seem to like you, waiting for you to make the move - and when you finally do, they retract themselves unexpectedly, with no apparent reason. There is always a reason. If I want a guy to make a move, I don't put him off by retracting myself from the situation.
Author Malcolm_X Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 Did you watch the clip about Coffee being sex. An invite to a private room at that hour is about the chance for sex to happen. Once you get them in the room there are many more steps to the dance......but it is a chance that sex can happen. What the OP wants to know is how is he blowing it. He may be skipping the steps between coming into the room and jumping into bed. Spot on! Exactly my situation.. thanks for all the advice guys, some really good thoughts here! Appreciate that. Will try to reflect on it and respond tomorrow, right now I am a bit too drunk to give sensible and truly honest response
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