Is it grief??

[Lostinlovexx]

Apologies if this is lengthy;

 

My girlfriend of 3 years has told me she's doesn't want to be in a relationship now, wants to be alone, and doesn't know how to feel anymore.

 

We've had so much happen in our time together, it's bound to put a strain on us. Our friend and her sisters partner died after leaving my house from a painkiller overdose. I've been back and forward in court trying to gain access to my daughter, her mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and passed away 6 months later, my own mum was diagnosed just 3 weeks after her own mums. My mum has beat it. My dad had a stroke a few weeks after she lost her mum.

 

Both of us are damaged, hurt, angry, and take it all out on eachother. My last partner cheated on me when our daughter was just 7 months old, and it's made me so jealous and insecure. I've never been this way before, but find myself being controlling, questioning all she's doing and suffocating her. I accuse her of cheating all the time, even though I know she's not even capable of cheating. This girl is a dream, a Christian girl was rock solid morals, and not your typical 28 year old. She's only ever been with 2 guys, would never just kiss someone in a club, and she's not easy at all. It took me a year of being friendzoned before we started dating, and it was a whirlwind romance. We knew within weeks that we were soulmates, and wanted our whole life's together. On the surface we have the most perfect relationship, and it's the envy of so many people.

 

My jealousy turns me into an animal. I get so angry I call her every name imaginable, then dump her, tell her I hate her etc. I never mean a word I say, something comes over me and I can't just stop. The next day I apologise and she's gives me another last chance, and the same thing happens. She's flirty with alcohol and I explode. She means no harm by it, it's all innocent, but it does hurt me. We took

Separate holidays this past summer and I exploded and dumped her while she was away because the 3 girls met 3 locals and went back to their place. We fought for a few weeks, they reconciled. Then we went to a birthday party together and she flirted with a taxi operator when she called to book one. I was really drunk and exploded again, the worst one I've ever had. I did feel I was going to explode, so chose to walk away before I turned nasty. She chased me down, and refused to let me calm down. I pushed her, called her every word you can think off, and wished her dead. The next day I've never felt so ashamed of what happened. This changed everything this time, she's said I scared her and she's now got barriers up.

 

We've been in limbo for a few months, she's been distant and wouldn't get back with me, but we still talk as couple, and we've had a few nights out, and end up all over each other, loved up. The next day she's goes back to having a distance. I told her this is driving me crazy and we need to make a decision. She told me she's lost feelings for me, and the grief from losing her mum is only hitting her now. She done so well to fulfill her dream of working in the film industry, and is now doing it in under a year, I've helped her along the way and been her backbone. I'm so proud of her, but it has came at the expense of burying her grief, and just keeping busy. It's approaching the first year anniversary, and it's hitting her so hard. She says she loves me so deeply, and prays every day that she'll get her feelings back, but for now she wants to be single, but to still have me in her life every day.

 

I told her I couldn't be friends, it's just so hurtful wanting her so much, but not having her. She's messages saying she misses me, asking if I've been out, and asking if I've met anyone. I've zero interest in anyone but her. This weekend so went to a city with people she met on set. I asked who, she said a guy and a girl, then got mad I was asking too many questions, and felt stressed. I've been panicking all weekend, thinking she'll meet someone. It's doesn't really make sense though, as she gets so much attention from guys non stop (she's Hollywood beautiful), but she's so classy that she wouldn't have a fling, she's just not like that.

 

I've booked a 2 week solo holiday, last minutes leave in a week. She cried when I told her.

 

I just don't know what's happening. Is this to do with her grief hitting her, or does she want to keep me around as a plan b? I've given her a lot of space, she usually initiates contact, and I don't get back to her right away. I blocked her on Facebook, but her sister told me she asks her to look and see what I'm up to. She also hasn't told many people we've split, her best friend and sister know, but not everyone else. She just hid her relationship status on Facebook, not changed to single.

 

I'm losing my mind not knowing what the future holds, I can't eat, can't sleep and just want her back so much.

 

Can anyone please give me some guidance, or maybe make sense of what's she's saying?

 

I'd massively appreciate any advice.

[ExpatInItaly]

My ex-boyfriend sounds very similar to you. He would rage and accuse me of crazy things, none of which were remotely true. His levels of jealousy were insane and he would unleash a horrible tirade on me when he felt upset. Any kind and benign gesture towards another man was interpreted as me trying to hit on them. It was crazy-making and awful. Like you, he'd had a lot of trauma and chaos in his life. And chose to use me as his emotional punching bag.

 

I stuck around much longer than I should have, largely because I was so emotionally beaten down that I started to really believe I was unworthy. He would have his "loving" moments when I really thought things would change so I gave him many chances. I suspect this is the reason your ex didn't walk away sooner. She wanted to believe it would get better.

 

I finally realized my ex's problems were his problems to fix, not mine. So I don't think your ex's choice to leave is all down to grief - she's tired of being abused by you. Make no mistake, you are verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. Pushing her is abuse. Calling her names and wishing death on her is abuse. If that's how you manage anger and jealousy, you are not in the position to be anyone's boyfriend right now. If you really felt she was crossing a line by flirting with other men (and can you elaborate on what she said/did?) you had the opportunity to do the right thing for yourself and walk away from the relationship. You could have broken up with her when you felt she was too cozy with others.

 

Please don't misinterpret my intentions with this post. I don't mean to lecture you; I'm not trying to give you a scolding. I hope that you can now address the underlying problems here and get yourself into a healthier and happier frame of mind. Then consider getting into a relationship. Get yourself some professional guidance so that you can learn better coping mechanisms and boundaries for yourself. You will be much more at ease. Focus on you and your own healing for the next while.

[mightycpa]

You'd do yourself a real favor if you would exert the same amount of effort for self-control that you seem to exert to control others. It may very well be that your previous partner did you wrong by way of deceit, but you cannot project one person's faults onto everybody you date.

 

You're finding out why right now.

 

My advice would be to go fix that. Figure out whatever it is that you need to figure out, and let that part of yourself go. Something is wrong inside of you, and it is spilling out and killing your relationships. Time to get to work on yourself because if you don't, you'll **** up the next one too.

[Lostinlovexx]

Thanks for your replies. I know I'm not myself at all, my confidence is shattered and I know it's not her fault. My other ex, my daughters mother, decided the perfect time to tell me about her affair was the same day my grandfather died. The whole thing damaged me so much. I had a year long rebound that wasn't going anywhere, then fell so hard for this amazing girl.

 

The jealousy sparked a few months in, and wasn't there at the beginning. It started when she told me she was really drunk and a guy tried to kiss her, when I asked if she kissed him back, she said she didn't know. I feel I lot trust right there, then started feeling insecure. Other things would be her not coming home and staying out all night with other guys I know that want her, but she has no interest in them. She's very social, and is the last one standing at any party.

 

I know her so well and really wouldn't believe she would use her mums passing as an excuse, she's almost too honest. She tells me every little thing, if a guy asks for her number, she always tells me etc. If it was solely our fights, and my abuse, she would tell me that.

 

We're both big believers in fixing things and not throwing them away. She's been abusive too, violent and punched me, but I do know if's not her, she's grieving and lashing out at who she loves most. So what happens in a few moments, I never let define what we are. She knows my jealousy and low confidence is temporary, and she knows I'm not myself.

[basil67]

She's been abusive too, violent and punched me, but I do know if's not her, she's grieving and lashing out at who she loves most.

 

That's utter rubbish. We all experience grief in our lives, but very few of us use it as justification to beat and verbally abuse our partner. I wouldn't accept this excuse from an abusive man and nor would I accept it from a woman. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE.

 

Now that you've given us the rest of the story, I will say that she too is broken. I'd probably also add that both of you seem to bring out each other's worst traits.

 

This relationship is not worth saving. At least, not unless both of you have done a lot of personal work.

[Lostinlovexx]

That's utter rubbish. We all experience grief in our lives, but very few of us use it as justification to beat and verbally abuse our partner. I wouldn't accept this excuse from an abusive man and nor would I accept it from a woman. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE.

 

Now that you've given us the rest of the story, I will say that she too is broken. I'd probably also add that both of you seem to bring out each other's worst traits.

 

This relationship is not worth saving. At least, not unless both of you have done a lot of personal work.

 

Yes, I agree abuse is never good from either side, but I'm not a believer in just chucking something special away in a moment of madness. She's turned her back on god since losing her mum, but wants us both to get back to church together, and have prayer for us. She wouldn't say this if she felt the relationship was totally dead. I want us to help each other, fix the issues that come from outside pain, and once we've resolved them, it's just us left. Without the outside baggage we are absolutely perfect. Do you guys not believe in that kinda thing? If the issues were just to do with us a couple, yes I'd say it's not worth saving, but because it's overbearing life changing events, any person, regardless of strength, would be affected.

 

I guess the question I'm asking is would NC be better? I decided that's what I wanted, but she doesn't, she still wants us to be together in every aspect bar intimacy, for now. My friends/family think NC isn't what's best, as we can't have the prayer and church together. I believe healing is what we need together, or should I just ignore all her messages etc??

Edited November 2, 2015 by Lostinlovexx
Adding more

[Survivor12]

To answer your question, yes--I believe that NC would be best for both of you.

 

Based on what you have told us, it sounds like the two of you are partners in pain rather than being partners in life, and your co-dependence is extreme on both sides.

 

I'm not a professional, but I think that perhaps much of your jealousy is grounded in your need for control to compensate for feelings of helplessness in other relationships. I don't believe it is a stretch to assume that you harbor a deep fear of abandonment as well.

 

The fact is that we all experience loss in our lives. We deal with it and move on from it in different ways. In your case, in part because loss/pain/grief has been the basis for much of your relationship, you have held on to it rather than rising above it.

 

Severing ties with her will give each of you the opportunity to deal with your OWN pain & recover from it. Continuing to be a part of each other's lives will only keep you tethered to the pain.

 

This time, you CAN take control so do it.

[Lostinlovexx]

We're definitely more partners in life, just partners that have had a near lifetime of events crammed into a few years, we can't deal with the last event of pain as we're still struggling to accept the one before. I'm just really feeling as it's unfortunate that life have give us such a hard time recently, we shouldn't just chuck it away.

 

I do fear abandonment, my dad has such demons with alcoholism, lost my mum and everything else. My worst fear in life is being like him, losing it all and being alone.

 

If I insist on NC, and refuse her wanting healing through God, prayer over us, then does that not show that I've given up? I really don't want her to think I have, I never will. I don't want to just be a statistic of modern society that loves to split and divorce at any time. I believe in soulmates and believe I have mine, and no matter what you have to fight for it.

Edited November 2, 2015 by Lostinlovexx

[Lostinlovexx]

Month on since the original post, and have a lot of answers, and things are clearer. We went out last night bar hopping and had an amazing night together, as soon as she got home she text thanking me for an amazing night and she missed me a lot. I'm actually glad of the break up as it opened my eyes. She wanted to understand my anger more and determined my previous ex was a classic sociopath. We have a daughter together and she does everything to keep her away from me. It makes sense with how erratic and insecure I was. With this breakup I can now realise she is not my ex, and is the most loyal trustworthy person I've ever known. Whether we get back together or not I know now I can be who I've always been, now my eyes have been opened.

 

As for us, she's now realised how distant she had been with me and said the last year was a total blur. She's said she still doesn't know what will happen with us, but she loves me so much. She's invited me to have Christmas with her and her family too. I go through periods of NC and it drives her crazy. If I don't reply she'll then go and talk to my family.

 

She wants to see me again tonight, and of course I'd love to but it's difficult knowing what to do. Do I cater to every invitation and have fun together, or step back? I'm confused. I've spoke with her best friend and she's really keen to see us get back together, as are both our families.

 

I know I can't pressure her or even bring it up, but to me the signs are we will end up back together, with a fresh start, and stronger than ever, or am I just being optimistic?

[ExpatInItaly]

Month on since the original post, and have a lot of answers, and things are clearer. We went out last night bar hopping and had an amazing night together, as soon as she got home she text thanking me for an amazing night and she missed me a lot. I'm actually glad of the break up as it opened my eyes. She wanted to understand my anger more and determined my previous ex was a classic sociopath. We have a daughter together and she does everything to keep her away from me. It makes sense with how erratic and insecure I was. With this breakup I can now realise she is not my ex, and is the most loyal trustworthy person I've ever known. Whether we get back together or not I know now I can be who I've always been, now my eyes have been opened.

 

As for us, she's now realised how distant she had been with me and said the last year was a total blur. She's said she still doesn't know what will happen with us, but she loves me so much. She's invited me to have Christmas with her and her family too. I go through periods of NC and it drives her crazy. If I don't reply she'll then go and talk to my family.

 

She wants to see me again tonight, and of course I'd love to but it's difficult knowing what to do. Do I cater to every invitation and have fun together, or step back? I'm confused. I've spoke with her best friend and she's really keen to see us get back together, as are both our families.

 

I know I can't pressure her or even bring it up, but to me the signs are we will end up back together, with a fresh start, and stronger than ever, or am I just being optimistic?

 

It's good to hear that you're doing better.

 

I am not sure about reconciliation. I say that because without having the proper tools and strategies to cope with conflict/insecurity/jealousy, you both may slip right back into old habits. What is your plan to address periods of uncertainty or jealousy?

 

Also, I would keep the discussion of your future between the two of you. Try not to involve third parties (friends, family) because while I'm sure they have your best interests at heart, only you and your ex really know the relationship you had. They will remember the sore spots and that can come back to bite you if you decide to reconcile, you know?

 

I think this current situation really depends on what you want. You say you go into periods of No Contact - may I ask why? If you want to work towards getting back together, being unresponsive or ignoring her are counterproductive and this will breed resentment. If, on the other hand, you feel this is really over, go No Contact and stick to it.

[Lostinlovexx]

Brief no contact to give her some space. We met up before my trip away too and it was emotional, we kissed and held hands and talked about our love for each other. During my few weeks away both of us really came to the same conclusion about any insecurity, it was down my previous exs treatment of me, and I was in denial about it for so long. I've been in relationships for most of my adult life and insecurity was never an issue. She certainly wont determine the person I am for my life ahead. I know I can't and won't slip into old habits, as they were only temporary and not who I actually am at all. She has said she totally understands why I would be that way with her and it's not my fault.

 

The loss of her mother is the more determining factor, and I know I need to have patience with her. She said the last year has been a blur and she can't remember any of it. I do feel she is indirectly telling me to be patient with her while she finds herself again. She tells me she loves me deeper than imaginable but she's just unsure what will happen. She was really keen to take pictures of us last night and put them on social media, and we really just felt like a couple again, but without the label.

 

Due to all the trauma both of us have suffered, couples counselling would be beneficial for us. I've never had it before and is it recommended?

Edited December 1, 2015 by Lostinlovexx