Should I break up with him over comments about my weight?

[bystarlight]

So here's the deal, when we first started dating I was 24 and my stomach was flat, now I'm 25 and I guess my metabolism has changed and I'm less active now that I have a 9-5 job where I sit all day. We have been dating for almost 2 years. He started making comments about my weight gain how I wasn't trying to look good for him and he makes jokes that I'll be fat when I'm older. I have been going to the gym because this bothers me and I also miss my flat stomach. I told him to stop making jokes and saying hurtful things many times about my weight. Last night he said the top part of my stomach looked really good but the bottom part where there is still some fat he tried to joke that it wasn't healthy and wouldn't make it on a long hike with him. When I got home I started to cry mostly because I feel like I should break up with him for repeatedly making me feel self conscious about my weight when I've told him it upsets me before. He tried to say that he was just joking and was only trying to compliment my progress but it came out wrong. I don't want to break up with him because we've been together for so long and we have plans to live together and he's supposed to be the one, but I don't know what to do. What do you guys think?

[TigerCub]

On the one hand - he is being a hurtful,emotionally abusive ass, and that is reason enough to not want to be with him.

 

On the other hand - when he met you, you looked a certain way and now you don't - so to him, he's thinking, 'this isn't what I initially wanted' and so it's really bothering him that you're gaining weight.

A lot of guys come on here saying that their girl gained weight and they don't know how to deal with it. Some guys choose to say nothing and get resentful, some guys choose to say things like 'oh, wouldn't it be nice if we worked out together every day' in an attempt to encourage the weight loss without sounding hurtful

 

and apparently your guy is the other option of just saying it flat out and not caring how hurtful he is.

 

You already told him that he's being hurtful and you don't like it (obviously) and he didn't stop.

 

I don't think he's worth keeping.

 

Because even if you did get your flat stomach back - wouldn't you be on egg shells forever worried about aging and how it will effect your body and looks? And how disappointed he will be and what kind of hurtful comments you'll get from him?

 

It's good to stay healthy and take care of your body and your looks but to be with someone that will be abusive towards you if you're not 100% what he wants isn't going to end well for you.

 

You say 'he's supposed to be the one' - what does that mean?

yeah he should be the one - but it doesn't look like he actually is.

 

Don't put up with crap because you feel you're so close to getting it all (by that I mean, the move in, 'the one', the marriage and kids) - because if he is the one, he wouldn't be emotionally abusive now would he?

[TaraMaiden2]

So here's the deal, when we first started dating I was 24 and my stomach was flat, now I'm 25 and I guess my metabolism has changed and I'm less active now that I have a 9-5 job where I sit all day.

It had nothing to do with your metabolism. That is to say, you metabolism is not some magic component about which you can do nothing, or have no control over. Your metabolism is up to you to control, not vice-versa.

 

People who struggle to lose weight often blame a slow metabolism. However, numerous studies involving thousands of people worldwide have failed to find evidence to support the widely held belief that overweight people must have slower metabolic rates.

 

In fact, the opposite appears true: overweight people may actually have a higher metabolism than their leaner counterparts, reflecting the energy requirements of maintaining a larger body size. When you account for differences in body size and composition, there is a remarkable similarity in energy expenditure between individuals.

 

Research has also shown that people tend to eat more than they think they do. When asked to write down everything they've consumed in a day, many people tend to report eating far less than they actually do.

 

More often than not, the reason you’re putting on weight is not because of a slow metabolism, it’s because you’re eating and drinking more calories than you're burning. It may be hard to accept, but staying on top of the number of calories you eat is key to losing weight and keeping it off.

 

We have been dating for almost 2 years. He started making comments about my weight gain how I wasn't trying to look good for him and he makes jokes that I'll be fat when I'm older. I have been going to the gym because this bothers me and I also miss my flat stomach. I told him to stop making jokes and saying hurtful things many times about my weight. Last night he said the top part of my stomach looked really good but the bottom part where there is still some fat he tried to joke that it wasn't healthy and wouldn't make it on a long hike with him. When I got home I started to cry mostly because I feel like I should break up with him for repeatedly making me feel self conscious about my weight when I've told him it upsets me before. He tried to say that he was just joking and was only trying to compliment my progress but it came out wrong. I don't want to break up with him because we've been together for so long and we have plans to live together and he's supposed to be the one, but I don't know what to do. What do you guys think?

 

I think you should ditch him, work on your weight and build up your self-esteem.

But if you think he has a point (because you admitted yourself you've put on weight) then consider that maybe he's the shove you need to make yourself thr gal you want to be.

[fitnessfan365]

On one hand, I do get your BF's frustration. It's very common that a woman will get complacent about her fitness because she figures the guy will always be there. I mean let's be honest. Your choices to stop exercising and make bad eating choices have nothing to do with "metabolism". Also, just because you work 9-5, doesn't mean you can't exercise after work. So on one hand you should stop playing the victim and just admit that you got lazy.

 

However, with that said your BF is still being a manipulative dick. After all, he should be with you for a lot more reasons than just how you look. So if he cared about you, he wouldn't be acting the way he is. He'd come at it more from a caring proactive manner. Not belittle you w/passive aggressive "joking". For what it's worth, my advice is to break up with the guy because it doesn't seem like he gives a crap about you. But you should also use this as a learning experience to always make your best effort to stay in shape and not let yourself go.

[introverted1]

How much weight have you gained, OP?

 

I think your bf's word choice was imperfect but I also think his concerns are potentially valid. Gaining weight is a health risk as well as an aesthetic issue. And no, it is NOT the same as growing older or being in a disfiguring accident because we cannot control those events. We can (outside rare, untreatable medical conditions) control our weight and activity levels.

[losangelena]

Yeah, I don't think your metabolism tanked just because you turned 25. If you were 45 I might be more inclined to agree with you.

 

How much weight have you gained, may I ask?

 

NOT THAT IT MATTERS

 

I realize it can be difficult to know how to bring up a partner's weight gain, but the way he's doing it is not the way to do it. He sounds misinformed and also like he as some unrealistic expectations. A) a woman's stomach is not always going to stay flat, if it ever started out that way, so if he's thinking you're going to look like a fitness model forever, he's in for a surprise, and B) just because you don't happen to have a flat stomach doesn't mean you can't keep up with him on a hike. Gurl, pu-leeeezee. I don't have a flat anything and I am plenty cardiovascularly fit, to the point where it's surprised some (ignorant) people.

 

Do you sit around and break down his component parts? "Well, honey your biceps look really good but your triceps are still pretty weak; I doubt you could move my couch for me if I asked you to." No, I doubt you do that.

 

I'd say go and get your abs back FOR YOU and then tell your BF he can see them when he learns to have a little respect for you.

[smackie9]

He is rude and insensitive....this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? 2 years is nothing.....I dumped a guy after 5 years, and never regretted it.

[fitnessfan365]

Do you sit around and break down his component parts? "Well, honey your biceps look really good but your triceps are still pretty weak; I doubt you could move my couch for me if I asked you to." No, I doubt you do that.

 

Hahahaha.. This was hilarious in a smart ass sassy way. What LA is saying is true though. The guys who are often the most physically critical, have no room to talk themselves.

 

One thing my GF was worried about initially is that I'd be way too critical because I'm a personal trainer. But I've never ever belittled her or made her feel like crap. I'm actually very attracted to her the way that she is. However, since I know she'd like to drop 30-40lbs for her own goals, I invite her to come along and workout with me 2-3x per week when I do my own training. I also encourage her to keep it up on her own. Other than that, I stay out of it, never act like the food police, etc..

[xxoo]

Tell him straight out that he's being a jerk and his comments make you like him less. Tell him that you'd appreciate support, but won't tolerate any more jokes about your body. And mean it! If he continues after that, yes, dump him.

 

And then get active, check your diet, and lose those pounds for yourself

[xcupid]

He needs to learn manners and treat you with respect. He's immature and insensitive. These are not "jokes." They're criticism of you and how you look. He shouldn't have to be told that his remarks hurt you. First it will be the flat stomach. And then, what next?

[smackie9]

You probably look just fine. Not having a flat stomach isn't a health crisis. In fact the majority of the population doesn't have one.

[bystarlight]

I went from a size 5 to a 7...I'm 5'1 so it is more apparent when I gain weight I suppose.

[Guyouthere]

as you get older, you will change, and your body won't be able to keep up with his standards.

 

Might as well cut the loss now and leave.

 

In the end, this relationship is doomed.

[Versacehottie]

I don't know what I would do about the boyfriend. I'd have to hear what he said in context and with tone. I think he could have honestly just stuck his foot in his mouth and didn't mean to hurt you. But he also could be a jerk with unrealistic expectations of you. I can't really comment on that part.

 

What I think you should take a look at is that you said yourself you want to change for your own reasons and that you have been working on it. (I also agree with those that said it's not your metabolism; at 25 metabolism is on your side--it may be because you are sitting much of the day but you should be able to deal with that with healthy eating and exercise and some time). I think sometimes when someone close to us rides us about something we are trying to fix in ourselves already and are sensitive about, it bothers us a lot. It makes us feel like the are not supportive and not noticing our efforts. Do you think that's why you are feeling like this? Essentially the content of what he was saying is the same thing you have been thinking about your weight. Maybe you feel like it's also not his place to judge that. Maybe his delivery and tone sucked. In a way, I think I've seen girls whose bfs said things like this rebel and self-sabotage their goals about weight in response to not liking the judgement or way the bf is supportive/unsupportive. Guys typically are more blunt. I'm not saying it justifies what he's done; i don't have an answer for that part. But I do think he maybe just thinks what you already think about your weight. If you can answer some of these questions in your head about whether you think it's his place, what you would do if situation was reversed and how he could communicate with you more supportively, get clear on that and then tell him--IF you feel like it's a relationship worth saving.

 

I think that attraction and health is a component of why people are attracted to one another. So maybe it's blunt of me but whether it's spoken or unspoken, it doesn't mean it isn't going through the other person's head. I think you need to define the what sort of content (if any) and how it's ok for him to talk to you about this part of your life. Good luck.

[Maggie4]

I just don't see how you can deal with him long term, now that you know what he does when your looks change. You get married, you might gain weight when you have a baby, you get wrinkles, you might get sick and look it. He's gonna put you down.

At 25 it's easy enough for you to reduce. Next time he makes these remarks, tell him you will lose the fat by spring, but you're not doing it for him. You get your figure back and THEN dump him.

[Buddhist]

This is just me, but here's some advice....

 

Go pay a personal trainer, get hotter than the sun then dump him for someone who is now on your level of fitness and attractiveness. It's what I did to an abusive ex, he begged me to come back, I stood by and played the smallest violin in the world for him.

 

Your man is a shallow arse and that will never change. You can change the way you look but once you do make sure you're with someone who appreciates it and who you are.

[kendahke]

The easiest weight gain to achieve is by dumping an insensitive boyfriend--that's an easy 180+ lbs right off the bat.

 

If you're serious about keeping weight gain under control:

 

Ask your company about installing a stand-up desk at your job so that you're not sitting all day. Lots of companies are doing that now.

 

Instead of spending the whole lunch hour eating, spend half of it taking a walk. Instead of using the elevator, use stairs. Instead of parking next to the entrance, try to park safely at a distance so you get in a little walking. I'm on a challenge this fall to use mass transit and so far with all of the walking I do, I've dropped 20lbs and my blood pressure is excellent. If it's feasible, you might want to try that.

 

Cut back on sugar and starches--do a challenge for the month to eliminate refined foods and see what kind of progress you can achieve.

 

Planks will tighten up that core. Since you go to the gym already, look into hiring a personal trainer to help you create a workout routine that addresses what you want to fix.

 

Keeping active and not sitting around helps a lot.

[ScienceGal]

First off, NEVER use the length of a relationship as a reason to stay. And, 2 years isn't even that long when you consider that you have your whole life in front of you.

 

There is no excuse for saying hurtful remarks and teasing you. If your weight truly bothers him and affects his attraction to you, he should have a more appropriate and caring way to discuss it with you.

 

I don't like him based upon what you wrote. What happens if you have a baby resulting in extra stomach skin that can't be lost? Or when you get older and your hair turns gray and skin wrinkles? Is this a man who loves you? I mean, really loves you for who you are inside too?

[kendahke]

The easiest weight gain

 

that should read "weight loss"