HansonGirl Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 all the dating self-help books i've read consistently say to move on to the next person and don't waste any more time with a guy (or gal) who says they do not want a relationship. Is that what happens in reality though? I know of only two examples where it was actually admitted to me that this happened. in neither case did it work out, so those books were right. but does it EVER work out? the basic wisdom is to "move on" - does anybody have experience in this area? has it happened to you? what did you do? be honest. if you stayed with the guy hoping he'd change his mind, admit it, there's no judgment here
TheBathWater Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 The only instance where I've ever seen it work out is when both people say "I don't want a relationship" and over a long period of time (several months or even a year of sleeping together and hanging out) the tension builds and they desire exclusivity. It's rare that this happens though. Typically, at least one of the parties involved wants things to go further. Whenever one person wants a relationship and the other doesn't, I have never seen it end happily.
TigerCub Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I don't know of any example where 1 person wanted a relationship, the other didn't but it somehow worked and both people were happy together. I wouldn't hang around someone that was actually honest with me about not wanting a relationship and try to convince them to change their mind. Why waste the energy on that? They were nice enough to be honest - why not respect that? It would be better to just find someone that wants the same things from the start.
Empyrea Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Since I've always used the "I don't want a relationship" line as well (although I'm a girl) and had many guys say it back to me (or say it first), I can give you examples of all possible scenarios: Scenario #1: Guy said he didn't want a relationship, I didn't want one either, agreed we'd keep it open and casual. Neither was really seeing anyone else, though, and eventually we didn't even want to and just kind of fell into a relationship which lasted for several happy years. However, in the end, the reasons why we had said we did not want a relationship in the first place became relevant again and we amicably broke up. Scenario #2: I said I didn't want a relationship, guy agreed, but secretly wanted one and it was blatantly obvious. I gave in and agreed to a relationship, but was miserable! and quickly ended things. Scenario #3: Guy said he didn't want a relationship, I didn't want one either, I was hoping to keep it very casual, but he either didn't believe me or lost interest, so he fell off the planet anyway a couple months later. So there you go. It could go either way, but I think that if the reason why the person doesn't want a relationship is a valid one and not one that's subject to change with a couple months/years, then it will eventually become an issue again. So tread carefully. But it is possible to fall in love and change your mind, like in scenario #1 - but I think the key there is that neither of us were "waiting" for it to happen, it just naturally did, because we let our guard down. I think it's always better if the person is already in a place where he is ready to fall in love, otherwise he might fight his feelings to be true to the reason he rationally has (and belies to be valid) for not wanting to be in a relationship. And generally speaking, I think guys are a bit better at fighting emotions with reasoning.
fitnessfan365 Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 It means that they don't want a relationship with you. 9
stillafool Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I agree FF. When they say they don't want a relationship they mean not with you. They do go on and end up in a relationship with the person they desire.
Author HansonGirl Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 OP here. I am very literal and I usually assume the person being honest, and I also assume it means they are dumping me / not interested in me, so i always think that's the end of the relationhips. The times i've seen a friend ignore it, it didn't work out in the long run but at least they had SOMETHING, i felt, and I was always single because I don't ignore that kind of thing. One time though i got very confused because the guy said that but i guess thought we'd like continue talking or something. I am not even sure what he wanted, but I didn't stick around to find out. I appreciated that he told me early and unfront, but it actually got weird because apparently i was missing some social cue. to this day i still have no idea, but luckily i haven't had that happen again.
Empyrea Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 It means that they don't want a relationship with you. Disagree! It CAN mean that, but I have SO many guy friends who are at an age/phase where they've just ended their first LTR and feel they're not quite ready to settle down yet, so they are actively trying to beat off relationships with a stick. Which means they only look for casual flings and yes, usually quit and run when they feel it's getting too serious or they feel themselves growing attached. But I would like to believe that if they met the right person, they might decide to give up on the rule... I mean, they have to stop the casual sex binge at some point, right? 2
Empyrea Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 OP here. I am very literal and I usually assume the person being honest, and I also assume it means they are dumping me / not interested in me, so i always think that's the end of the relationhips. The times i've seen a friend ignore it, it didn't work out in the long run but at least they had SOMETHING, i felt, and I was always single because I don't ignore that kind of thing. Huh. I've never assumed that myself, because I always say the same thing and mean "let's keep it casual" rather than "I'm not interested" - if I mean that, I'll say it. Now I'm thinking maybe I've misread some serious social cues... would explain scenario #3 at least!
smackie9 Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 "not ready for a relationship" is just one of many passive ways of saying I don't want to see you anymore. Waiting around for them to come around is just like waiting around for someone to want kids.....it's a waste of time, go find someone else. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Disagree! It CAN mean that, but I have SO many guy friends who are at an age/phase where they've just ended their first LTR and feel they're not quite ready to settle down yet, so they are actively trying to beat off relationships with a stick. Which means they only look for casual flings and yes, usually quit and run when they feel it's getting too serious or they feel themselves growing attached. But I would like to believe that if they met the right person, they might decide to give up on the rule... I mean, they have to stop the casual sex binge at some point, right? The fact that they were in a LTR means that they're capable of being in a relationship. Also, once they actually find a girl they want one with, they will be in one. It's just that none of those women made a strong enough impression. 1
Erik30 Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I think when someone uses that line on you but is still willing to date you, it means they're keeping their options open and are probably also seeing other people. He or she might like you, but you're not exactly what they're looking for. You're basically a back up in case they won't find anyone "better." And when/if they do, they'll ditch you immediately. I guess it's always a rejection, (even if you do go out on dates) because they're not really serious about you. So yeah, you are kind off wasting you're time with someone who says that to you, because they're not that into you. Unless you're fine with something casual. I never understood that until it happened to me.
kendahke Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 all the dating self-help books i've read consistently say to move on to the next person and don't waste any more time with a guy (or gal) who says they do not want a relationship. Is that what happens in reality though? I know of only two examples where it was actually admitted to me that this happened. in neither case did it work out, so those books were right. but does it EVER work out? the basic wisdom is to "move on" - does anybody have experience in this area? has it happened to you? what did you do? be honest. if you stayed with the guy hoping he'd change his mind, admit it, there's no judgment here the only way this "works" is when the one who wants more settles for a FWB because they erroneously think they can sex the guy into a relationship. That never works. You're just someone they smash when they get the urge. The very first thing that will come out of their mouths when you complain is "I already told you I didn't want a relationship". 2
Buddhist Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 all the dating self-help books i've read consistently say to move on to the next person and don't waste any more time with a guy (or gal) who says they do not want a relationship. Is that what happens in reality though? I know of only two examples where it was actually admitted to me that this happened. in neither case did it work out, so those books were right. but does it EVER work out? the basic wisdom is to "move on" - does anybody have experience in this area? has it happened to you? what did you do? be honest. if you stayed with the guy hoping he'd change his mind, admit it, there's no judgment here Yes move on. That person is either non-committal or conflicted. Most relationship problems occur because someone is in denial about who their partner is and is hanging out in a waste of time relationship hoping for things to change. There are no shortage of single people, pick one who wants the same things you do. 2
thecrucible Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 "not ready for a relationship" is just one of many passive ways of saying I don't want to see you anymore. Waiting around for them to come around is just like waiting around for someone to want kids.....it's a waste of time, go find someone else. Sometimes it's a genuine reason (I have used it before). It's also something people say because it's more polite. If rejecting someone, it's better to say that it's about you rather than them. If they are particularly persistent, there's very little they can do to argue with something as personal as the fact you're not looking for a relationship.
Author HansonGirl Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 I use it currently because it's genuine and completely unrelated to the person, however, it is still the case that whoever I meet - if they want more - should look elsewhere. My job and the fact that i plan to move within the next year pretty much prohibit some sort of real relationship that involves seeing the other person multiple times a week. i could do something that involves like maybe seeing the person once a week i guess and honestly i wouldn't even care if they were seeing other people. If i liked them enough... it all boils down to whether i like them enough. I used to think, oh why doesn't the person just say they aren't interested, that is what I would do, but to be completely honest now that i have been on the reverse side, I know it's hard to just say that to someone. saying, i don't want a relationship is easier but this has happened to me where the person told me this upfront and THEN took me on a date. i said yes because why not, he's willing to treat me to dinner, no pressure, it was more relaxing that way. and then kept reminding me how he didn't want a relationship. I heard him loud and clear but i still didnt get it. i feel like I was missing some sort of hint, like what was he trying to tell me? he wanted something, after the date he started sending me puppy videos. why i mean it wasn't like a kiss off. I sort of just stopped responding and it faded away. is that normal? lol because I thought that guy was a weirdo... 1
aprilisi Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 If a man says he doesn't want a relationship listen to him. Walk away. If he says I don't want a relationship but will still sleep with you...run. if you stick around it will bring nothing but heartbreak 2
h0000 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 The fact that they were in a LTR means that they're capable of being in a relationship. Also, once they actually find a girl they want one with, they will be in one. It's just that none of those women made a strong enough impression. Do you mean for all guys who claim they don't want a relationship, it has to be because of the woman? Had them met the perfect woman the next day, would jump right into a relationship? You don't think some guys truly just do not want a relationship, for that period of life? But later on in life they may change and the right woman who shows up at the right time will become the GF. I do believe timing is important. It's not just woman.
MoreAmore Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I had one guy tell me that and I waited, and waited. Nothing. I moved on. He came flying back. Too late. I told several guys that. I thought I meant it. I wasn't trying to reject. Some waited, some didn't. I'm with none of them now. One of them I might have come back to if it didn't get too weird with all the pressure when I was legitimately not ready. I told one guy I wanted to take it slow before labeling things. I still functioned as if we were in a relationship, and labelled it within 6 months. We are together and happy.
thecrucible Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I used to think, oh why doesn't the person just say they aren't interested, that is what I would do, but to be completely honest now that i have been on the reverse side, I know it's hard to just say that to someone. saying, i don't want a relationship is easier. Me too. I also think in an ideal world, people would be honest. However I think social niceties are important. If someone is not asking for the truth, don't give them it up front if there is only going to be upset. I would much rather a guy tell me what I want to hear in a respectful way than say "Your boobs aren't big enough for me but you have a nice vagina" (genuine rejection reason I've heard from a guy before).
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