Ex broke NC and emailed me this

[Nocontact101]

Hey guys,

 

My ex messaged me this, this morning:

 

"I've wanted to say hi so badly to u for so long but thought that it wasn't right to do so.

 

Hope this message doesn't bring you any stress. We walked out of each others lives horribly. I will always deep down care and have love for you.

 

How is work and your 2 brothers abroad doing/going?"

 

 

I don't know what to think!!!! Please help!

[itisdanielle]

What's the situation of your breakup? Did they breakup with you? And how long ago?

 

I personally wouldn't reply if it were me. But I guess it depends on the situation of the breakup if you could tell us more?

[Nocontact101]

There wasn't really a situation per say, we just argued a lot over the tiniest of things. When we broke up we had the silliest argument and he walked out of my house and then we argued over the phone and blocked each other.

 

I was with him for 3 years and will always care for him. I just don't know why he's messaging me out of the blue.

 

Part of me wants to reply and be cordial because we went through a lot ( things I would like to keep to myself). I just don't know what to say.

 

Should I just avoid the whole 'deep down I still care bla bla' and just reply to the work and brother question?

 

Thanks for your help.

[Simon Phoenix]

Actually, he didn't break No Contact. No Contact is an individual thing, not a team thing. Only you can break your own No Contact, and you haven't yet, though you seem like you want to. I wouldn't, that was just a huge breadcrumb based primarily on guilt.

 

The work/brother stuff is just a ploy for you to respond, then he can get the requisite ego boost/absolution from you. I'd avoid it all, there's nothing to respond to there.

[organizedchaos]

Actually, he didn't break No Contact. No Contact is an individual thing, not a team thing. Only you can break your own No Contact, and you haven't yet, though you seem like you want to. I wouldn't, that was just a huge breadcrumb based primarily on guilt.

 

The work/brother stuff is just a ploy for you to respond, then he can get the requisite ego boost/absolution from you. I'd avoid it all, there's nothing to respond to there.

 

Yep. And after you respond and relieve his guilt, he will disappear again.

[itisdanielle]

I've read on a lot of posts that messages like that are usually to see whether you will respond, so it's for their ego so they can know you're still there and they can get a response from you.

 

If you respond it'll make it harder for you to deal with the end of the relationship, so if I were you I wouldn't.

[NoMoreJerks]

A guilt thing. He wants you to assure him that he is a decent human being despite what he did to you. And he thinks that if you respond, he isn't that bad a person after all, if you are willing to talk to him again.

 

Either that, or he is having a dry patch (sex-wise) and wants to hit you up.

[mightycpa]

I think it translates into something a lot like this

Come here little birdie, I want to make friends with you...

If you can live with that, then by all means respond. But because you're posting on this site about it, I'm guessing you should just delete that message and begin the "I'm going to learn to stop obsessing about it" phase of your breadcrumb recovery.

[Nocontact101]

You're all right!

 

As much as I want to reply, I keep thinking about how far I've come and I can't put myself in that situation anymore.

 

I'm just going to ignore it and move on with my life.

 

Thanks you guys!

[OK_computer]

A guilt thing. He wants you to assure him that he is a decent human being despite what he did to you. And he thinks that if you respond, he isn't that bad a person after all, if you are willing to talk to him again.

 

Either that, or he is having a dry patch (sex-wise) and wants to hit you up.

 

What did he do to her? They had an argument and they both blocked each other. We're making him out to be a monster. Over time people's perspectives change..maybe he genuinely feels bad and wants to end things on a good note. Not saying you should reply, but "what he did to you" seems a little presumptuous.

[NoMoreJerks]

What did he do to her? They had an argument and they both blocked each other. We're making him out to be a monster. Over time people's perspectives change..maybe he genuinely feels bad and wants to end things on a good note. Not saying you should reply, but "what he did to you" seems a little presumptuous.

OK maybe that was not worded correctly -- but maybe he just feels guilty that he stormed off, which led to further escalation on the phone, etc. He might be feeling like he didn't treat her right, in doing so. It is not clear from OP's post who really initiated the break up (if they blocked each other, who blocked whom first??). At any rate, it is clear that she cares for him deeply, but his message doesn't convey that. If he cared about her that much, and wanted her back, and this was something more than just an attempt at feeling less bad about the way he handled things, he would've sent her a heartfelt message/been straightforward, rather than throw her some stale breadcrumbs.

[OK_computer]

OK maybe that was not worded correctly -- but maybe he just feels guilty that he stormed off, which led to further escalation on the phone, etc. He might be feeling like he didn't treat her right, in doing so. It is not clear from OP's post who really initiated the break up (if they blocked each other, who blocked whom first??). At any rate, it is clear that she cares for him deeply, but his message doesn't convey that. If he cared about her that much, and wanted her back, and this was something more than just an attempt at feeling less bad about the way he handled things, he would've sent her a heartfelt message/been straightforward, rather than throw her some stale breadcrumbs.

 

Yeah I understand.

 

 

Well here's the message, and he's explaining why he hadn't replied to her or talked to her sooner:

 

"I've wanted to say hi so badly to u for so long but thought that it wasn't right to do so.

 

Hope this message doesn't bring you any stress. We walked out of each others lives horribly. I will always deep down care and have love for you.

 

How is work and your 2 brothers abroad doing/going?"

 

 

He probably doesn't know what mindset she is in and in the process he is apprehensive over whether or not he'll even get a reply, so he's trying to force it. But he also wants to get a message across to her, in case he never gets the reply. I don't know if this is a breadcrumb, but that's just my opinion. I'm leaning towards the fact it is because of the reference to the brothers at the end, otherwise I probably would've taken it more seriously.

 

OP:

 

Who broke up with whom?

[NoMoreJerks]

^ well, if I was in his shoes and was scared/apprehensive, I would not have thrown a breadcrumb. I would've been explicit, and wanted her response to clarify exactly where we stood : to put me out of my misery. I'd want to know if we're just friends, neither friends nor bf-gf, or are still together! But that's just me.... I'm not one to beat around the bush.... *shrug*

[TaraMaiden2]

What did he do to her? They had an argument and they both blocked each other. We're making him out to be a monster. Over time people's perspectives change..maybe he genuinely feels bad and wants to end things on a good note. Not saying you should reply, but "what he did to you" seems a little presumptuous.

 

Well, in response to this, it's clear they still have feelings for one another; but given the OP's chosen forum name, really it would be best if she were to treat this like breadcrumbs.

I'm certain 50% of 'dumpers' don't think of it this way, but consciously or not, the kind of message the OP received from her ex, is really saying 'please reply, it would make me feel better, and I just want to know I am on your mind'. It's partial ego-boost and partial guilt-relief.

 

And Simon Phoenix is right; No Contact cannot be broken, if the message-receiver doesn't respond. NC can only be broken if the person receiving the message actually engages.

Until then, it's like a fart in the breeze....

[OK_computer]

^ well, if I was in his shoes and was scared/apprehensive, I would not have thrown a breadcrumb. I would've been explicit, and wanted her response to clarify exactly where we stood : to put me out of my misery. I'd want to know if we're just friends, neither friends nor bf-gf, or are still together! But that's just me.... I'm not one to beat around the bush.... *shrug*

 

I get this for sure, but that's such a high expectation from a "First" email after such a "long" time (there's no mention of how long after he replied). If I were him I'd gauge how she's feeling after reading her response, and then plan accordingly what to say, maybe even give it a call. But I wouldn't classify this as a 'breadcrumb' until after the fact. The fact being

 

1. He never replies to her response or

2. Becomes avoidant or dodges of any serious talks about the RS/ patch up

 

But it's a risk for the OP to break NC, but seems he was willing to risk it himself, however high or low the degree.

 

Well, in response to this, it's clear they still have feelings for one another; but given the OP's chosen forum name, really it would be best if she were to treat this like breadcrumbs.

I'm certain 50% of 'dumpers' don't think of it this way, but consciously or not, the kind of message the OP received from her ex, is really saying 'please reply, it would make me feel better, and I just want to know I am on your mind'. It's partial ego-boost and partial guilt-relief.

 

And Simon Phoenix is right; No Contact cannot be broken, if the message-receiver doesn't respond. NC can only be broken if the person receiving the message actually engages.

Until then, it's like a fart in the breeze....

 

I understand where you're coming from for sure. I'd agree with you as well, but a part of me is saying this may not be a breadcrumb. I always considered breadcrumbs to be a simple text after months like 'hey whats up?' or 'Hey long time you ok?' stuff like that. You know, one word greetings, a short happy birthday, things like that.

 

But this guy is showing a bit of remorse and is actually reaching out to her, and 'states' why he hasn't contacted her sooner. If it's an ego thing, he's started to chip away at his by contacting her first. If it's a guilt thing, only time will tell.

 

If I was the 'dumper' and I wanted to reach out to an ex to make amends, see where things etc. I would send a message very similar to this one, to be frank. Here are the reasons why:

 

1. I don't know how she's feeling about everything that had transpired

2. I'd be scared to let out any real emotions beyond what was said in the email because out of fear of not getting a reply

3. I don't know how she's react and wouldn't want to force it (hence he even says this message isn't to stress her out)

 

I wouldn't call this a breadcrumb until he runs away after getting a reply. The way I see it is he's reaching out, and the OP has to decide whether or not to remain in NC, this may be a chance to make amends or get the feelings out once and for all. Regardless it's a risk to reply, but it doesn't seem all that much like breadcrumb IMO.

 

Firepants on. I don't ill get burned to siding with him!! lol

[NoMoreJerks]

I get it -- I really do. I probably would've responded as well, because I am the kind of person who would rather take the risk and then think about the consequences, than live with doubts and regret and constantly wonder what would've happened if I had replied. This is why I replied to my ex's massive breadcrumb. Turns out he wanted to have me back. BUT, it was more obvious from his huge breadcrumb that he was regretting his decision to break up (his breadcrumb was basically him lashing out at me for having "destroyed him" even though he was the dumper). I took 2 days to decide whether or not to reply to him, though. I was at first against the idea, but kept reading it again and again, and it got to my head. However, turns out he was only feeling rejected because I didn't beg for him back (as I had kept doing for the month prior to that), and he didn't hesitate to dump me 3 weeks later, after having received his bday present on top of that. And it hurt much more than the first brekaup. Do I regret responding? I don't know. I don't think so. But I regret treating him like a king, after our reconciliation, when it should've been obvious to me that he was not treating me and the relationship like a priority despite the fact that I had forgiven him (if anything, the fact that he had my forgiveness led him to take me for granted). So I don't know. I mean, it's up to the OP to decide what to make of this, but based on my experience, especially something this "neutral", then I'd say it's just an ego / assuaging guilt thing.

[NoMoreJerks]

If I was the 'dumper' and I wanted to reach out to an ex to make amends, see where things etc. I would send a message very similar to this one, to be frank. Here are the reasons why:

 

1. I don't know how she's feeling about everything that had transpired

2. I'd be scared to let out any real emotions beyond what was said in the email because out of fear of not getting a reply

Ironic, that a dumper would feel so entitled to protecting themselves from rejection, when they were the ones who rejected someone else (and then regretted it). I find this sort of thing profoundly selfish. In fact, dumpers' regret is profoundly selfish, IMO. I am not your plaything, to discard me as you please, and then pick me up months later, when you decide that you had regrets and that you wanted me after all.... some dumpers think that they are the ones who determine your worth .But they are not.

[OK_computer]

I get it -- I really do. I probably would've responded as well, because I am the kind of person who would rather take the risk and then think about the consequences, than live with doubts and regret and constantly wonder what would've happened if I had replied. This is why I replied to my ex's massive breadcrumb. Turns out he wanted to have me back. BUT, it was more obvious from his huge breadcrumb that he was regretting his decision to break up (his breadcrumb was basically him lashing out at me for having "destroyed him" even though he was the dumper). I took 2 days to decide whether or not to reply to him, though. I was at first against the idea, but kept reading it again and again, and it got to my head. However, turns out he was only feeling rejected because I didn't beg for him back (as I had kept doing for the month prior to that), and he didn't hesitate to dump me 3 weeks later, after having received his bday present on top of that. And it hurt much more than the first brekaup. Do I regret responding? I don't know. I don't think so. But I regret treating him like a king, after our reconciliation, when it should've been obvious to me that he was not treating me and the relationship like a priority despite the fact that I had forgiven him (if anything, the fact that he had my forgiveness led him to take me for granted). So I don't know. I mean, it's up to the OP to decide what to make of this, but based on my experience, especially something this "neutral", then I'd say it's just an ego / assuaging guilt thing.

 

That sounds absolutely terrifying. A wolf is sheep's clothing! Intentions of another human being can be clandestine and only the events after contact will we know what they really are/think.. .

 

Ironic, that a dumper would feel so entitled to protecting themselves from rejection, when they were the ones who rejected someone else (and then regretted it). I find this sort of thing profoundly selfish. In fact, dumpers' regret is profoundly selfish, IMO. I am not your plaything, to discard me as you please, and then pick me up months later, when you decide that you had regrets and that you wanted me after all.... some dumpers think that they are the ones who determine your worth .But they are not.

 

We don't know the reasons for the dumper to end things and each situation is different. Sometimes the dumper, (i'm playing devil's advocate) has a justified reason to break things. In this situation I still don't know who broke off things with who..? But I see where you're coming from about the selfishness of regrets and rehashing after months. All I can say is that each situation is different, the reasons for breaking up are different as well, and sometimes the patch up after the break up can be with honest intentions. Too many variables.

[hopelessromantic24]

if you care about him, its obvious he cares about you. i would mention talking about things and eventually getting back together.

[K2z]

I envy you so much.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

Honestly, if you care about him, there's true potential there, and you have both learned something the first time around... Why not respond, and see where it goes? Second chances do exist.

[walkingonair]

Don't respond! I havent talked to my ex for the past 3 months and he has reached out multiple times and I have ignored because it was breadcrumbs and I will not be treated like his friends with benefits when he can hit me up when he pleases. Don't do it! You will regret it! He wants to know if he still has you on a string. Its all about ego!!!

[kxpxsc3]

Only you know the type of person he truly is, but I would recommend to continue staying NC and not reply.

 

 

My ex sent me a message to 'see how I was doing' about a month post breakup, in July. We chatted quite a bit stretching for 4 days, lengthy messages about what was happening in our lives. In the end, all he said was... well, nice talking to you, keep in touch!

 

 

Have I heard from him since? No.

Do I wish I stayed NC and didn't reply or give him that satisfaction? Absolutely.

 

In my opinion, unless he is saying I AM SORRY FOR WHAT I DID OR HOW THINGS WENT DOWN, I WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER, it is a breakcrumb.

[TaraMaiden2]

Only you know the type of person he truly is, but I would recommend to continue staying NC and not reply.

 

 

My ex sent me a message to 'see how I was doing' about a month post breakup, in July. We chatted quite a bit stretching for 4 days, lengthy messages about what was happening in our lives. In the end, all he said was... well, nice talking to you, keep in touch!

 

 

Have I heard from him since? No.

Do I wish I stayed NC and didn't reply or give him that satisfaction? Absolutely.

 

In my opinion, unless he is saying I AM SORRY FOR WHAT I DID OR HOW THINGS WENT DOWN, I WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER, it is a breadcrumb.

 

Actions.

Speak.

Louder.

Than.

Words.

 

if he really wants to get back with you, let him turn up unannounced, on your doorstep, with a nice bunch of flowers and a plea to have dinner with him, because he realises what a big mistake he made.

 

Do not respond, reply, react or let him back in.

Otherwise square #1 will beckon.....