I'm best friends with my ex. Not much has changed between us other then intimacy

[cristinalove]

Hello. I’m just writing here because I’m rather confused about my situation and I wanted to know what other people think about it. Me and my bf broke up 2 months ago.

He is like my best friend even though we have been together for roughly a year and knew each other for few months prior to the relationship. We started of by friends, then friends with benefits then we were in a relationship and we have moved in together to a single room. To be honest we had a great time together but he has some personal problems that he has to deal with and he has to be single for that. In addition both of us might be moving to other country and he likes to live easy (and I agree on focusing on yourself the most) so finally we broke up as it just wasn’t the same anymore and both of us decided that we need to be single, and focus on ourselves and future.

Since we broke up we went to a wedding together ( 2 days after) then holidays , which we previously bought the tickets for. I think the holidays helped to keep our friendship strong as we really enjoy the time we spend together. One night we did get super drunk and we did sleep together however then we spoke about it and decided that it was very stupid and that we will not do it again. That was over a month ago and I know him and I know myself and we will not sleep together again.

However my point is… I feel really good with him and we still see each other a few times a week. Before I moved out properly , I used to stay over and we had to share the bed, we didn’t cuddle anymore or anything. Actually I stayed over last night too, I’ve put myself in a stupid situation where staying at his place was my best choice and he agreed. We slept like kids though, with my feet where his head and his feet where my head. But then we spend almost all day together, cooked fantastic dinner with champagne etc.

We never kiss, never fool around, never sleep with each other anymore, we don’t flirt. But we do hug sometimes and I gave him a massage in the morning after I stayed over because he requested it in exchange for letting me stay. HEHE. It’s pretty normal though we used to give each other A LOT of massages. We have same circle of friends and sometimes we hang out together with them.

It’s really strange though. I admit I still love him and atm I’m not seeing anybody else but if I found somebody cool I wouldn’t mind (although I doubt it would be anything serious). I’m not in love though. I think that maybe one day we will end up together again although it’s hard to say what the future will bring.

Could you tell me what you think about my situation? As even though it seems like it’s all good, I know it’s not very normal and I’m a little confused so I’d like to see your points of view.

 

P.S. Before I moved out of his place I have found a cat in his area and we couldn't find his owner so we adopted it. We both love cats and this one is fantastic, it's kind of like 'our' baby...

Also I'm 24 and my ex is 31 but he wants to focus on his career for another, roughly, 5 years...

[Simon Phoenix]

I think this is a disaster waiting to happen and that the both of you are doing yourself an extreme disservice by acting this way. Both of you need to detach, take the breakup seriously and heal instead of this half-ass solution that you've concocted. What happens when you are hanging out at a bar or something and he starts flirting with another girl? Or even goes on dates? What you are doing is incredibly foolish.

[TaraMaiden2]

^^ Short, succinct and straight to the point.

Nailed it.

 

ETA: Even after elaboration, still makes total sense.

[cristinalove]

I think this is a disaster waiting to happen and that the both of you are doing yourself an extreme disservice by acting this way. Both of you need to detach, take the breakup seriously and heal instead of this half-ass solution that you've concocted. What happens when you are hanging out at a bar or something and he starts flirting with another girl? Or even goes on dates? What you are doing is incredibly foolish.

 

We are not stupid and if we are together neither of us is going to flirt with somebody else. I'm not ready for a relationship although I can't wait until my next fling... And he... well for sure he might mess around but he will not be in a serious relationship for some time I guess. If he will be then it's his choice.

Before me, he was single for roughly a year. I'm very close with his best friend and he told me that he is never ready for a relationship yet he is always in one and used to have 1 month breaks until that one time came and he was single 1 year. His best friend also told me that he assumes my ex will be single for even longer after failing with me. Maybe I should add that the problems he is dealing with is are depression, alcoholism & drug abuse... It all revolves around suppressing feelings etc.

I agree I was foolish to stay over and I don't want to anymore and we should see each other less often but I'll never abandon my best friend.

[Simon Phoenix]

We are not stupid and if we are together neither of us is going to flirt with somebody else. I'm not ready for a relationship although I can't wait until my next fling... And he... well for sure he might mess around but he will not be in a serious relationship for some time I guess. If he will be then it's his choice.

Before me, he was single for roughly a year. I'm very close with his best friend and he told me that he is never ready for a relationship yet he is always in one and used to have 1 month breaks until that one time came and he was single 1 year. His best friend also told me that he assumes my ex will be single for even longer after failing with me. Maybe I should add that the problems he is dealing with is are depression, alcoholism & drug abuse... It all revolves around suppressing feelings etc.

I agree I was foolish to stay over and I don't want to anymore and we should see each other less often but I'll never abandon my best friend.

 

How the hell are you going to have your "next fling" if you and your ex keep clinging on to each other? What you are doing is just not smart -- for both of you. What will happen is one of you (most likely you) will get too attached, things will get weird and awkward, and this friendship will be irrevocably altered.

 

If you really want to be good friends in the future, a "cooling off" process after the break is a much better idea than what you are doing right now. Stay away from each other for a while, actually process the breakup instead of sloppily pushing the clutter from it under the bed, and then reconnect later. If your friendship bond is that strong, then it can flourish in the future after both of you have properly healed and moved forward. But what you are doing is a very low-percentage play.

[TaraMaiden2]

We are not stupid and if we are together neither of us is going to flirt with somebody else.

Why be together?

And why not 'flirt with somebody else'..? You're free agents.... aren't you?

I'm not ready for a relationship although I can't wait until my next fling... And he... well for sure he might mess around but he will not be in a serious relationship for some time I guess. If he will be then it's his choice.

So.... are you together, or not? Because this really is ridiculous. You're no longer GF and BF, but you're acting in every other way as if you are!

 

 

Before me, he was single for roughly a year. I'm very close with his best friend and he told me that he is never ready for a relationship yet he is always in one and used to have 1 month breaks until that one time came and he was single 1 year. His best friend also told me that he assumes my ex will be single for even longer after failing with me.

Could you explain the relevance of this to the situation?

 

Maybe I should add that the problems he is dealing with is are depression, alcoholism & drug abuse... It all revolves around suppressing feelings etc.

I have to say, being with someone who has an addictive personality would definitely ring alarm bells, for me.

 

I agree I was foolish to stay over and I don't want to anymore and we should see each other less often but I'll never abandon my best friend.

Nobody's suggesting you abandon him.

But you need to live a normal life and not curtail or inhibit your behaviour simply because you're "with" him.

The same, naturally, goes for him.

 

Why are you so scared to extricate yourself from this situation, and give yourself the chance to move on, independently?

What is making you hold back form a total split (as you really should)?

[mightycpa]

By intimacy, do you mean sex? Because those two things are quite different. One is sharing your innermost thoughts and your hopes and dreams for the future. The other is when he pokes you with his dingus.

 

It sounds to me like you were never intimate to begin with, which would indicate that even when you were in a relationship, you were really just FWB with an exclusivity clause, going through the motions trying to find something that wasn't actually there because it seemed like the next natural step. That's why, when you moved in together, and you couldn't escape each other, you began to see that "it just wasn't the same anymore." That's also why, where ordinarily at least one of you should be clawing at the door to get away from the other, you guys can have a grand time just hanging out with each other. Because THAT IS your relationship, and your attempt at something deeper proves it.

 

So, I'd have an intimate talk with him and let him know that as pals, you guys are going to start flirting with others, and seeing other people, and that's ok. I can't imagine why either of you would object to that, other than perhaps because of pride. If one or both of you does object, then as Simon says, you're fooling yourselves with this in-between arrangement.

 

So my advice would be to drop the flirting rules, and see what you two are really made of.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

You're probably going to end up getting hurt (especially when he starts dating another girl before his ridiculous 5 year moratorium is up) & possibly cause issues in your next relationship.

[TaraMaiden2]

Also, this....

 

....both of us decided that we need to be single, and focus on ourselves and future.

 

totally flies in the face of, and contradicts, this:

 

 

.... I feel really good with him and we still see each other a few times a week. Before I moved out properly , I used to stay over and we had to share the bed, we didn’t cuddle anymore or anything. Actually I stayed over last night too, I’ve put myself in a stupid situation where staying at his place was my best choice and he agreed. We slept like kids though, with my feet where his head and his feet where my head. But then we spend almost all day together, cooked fantastic dinner with champagne etc.

We never kiss, never fool around, never sleep with each other anymore, we don’t flirt. But we do hug sometimes and I gave him a massage in the morning after I stayed over because he requested it in exchange for letting me stay. HEHE.

None of the above gives any indication that either of you have any intention on being single, and focusing on yourselves or your respective futures.

 

If you guys have 'split up' you have a funny way of showing it.

 

Don't you see?

This is entirely where your confusion lies.

That's what you came on to ask about.

 

Hello. I’m just writing here because I’m rather confused about my situation and I wanted to know what other people think about it.

 

Well, you asked....we told you....

[ExpatInItaly]

You're going to get hurt. It doesn't sound all good.

 

Sorry, but to believe this is a wise scenario is naive. It doesn't make a lick of difference how long he was single before you or what his best friend thinks. You're hanging around and staying too close to each, in my opinion. Sooner or later one of you will meet someone else and how do you think that person will feel about your relationship with your best friend/ex-boyfriend? It's not going to be so cozy then.

 

You say he has addiction problems. Is he in treatment? Do you feel the need to care for him somehow? You don't need to abandon him altogether but if you're really broken up, it would be wise to take a heck of a lot more space than you currently are.