cocoluv Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 Hi everyone, I am a 23 year old female and my boyfriend is 34. We have been together for 2 years now. My parents hate him and do not want to see him, because they didn't like that he was older, came from a poorer area, his very deranged family history, the way he ate, the late nights he would pick me up, still living with his mum, ect. We met at university course we did to get into to univeristy so not actually at Uni yet. He had a gf at the time and eventually left her for me. Soon after my parents said I need to leave if I want to be with him, so i left and we moved in together with a housemate. Now even in this time he was still on dating sites, until we officialy became together which was 4 months after he did not care. He would go out and stare at girls, make comments to our housemate about girls, and did not care that I didnt like it. He would always have so much porn on his computer and on his movie forum make comments about actresses. This is a 30 something year old loser to me. I was only 20 when we met and i was a virgin idiot, I had no clue now looking back I should have seen things clearer. Now he has defferd from 2 university courses and now relying on another course which will start in a few months. He has had a very reckless past and been with many many girls and I am sensitive and new to everthing. He has depression, he eats junkfood too much and he is fat. I have no attraction to him physical any more I don't even want to touch him. He is still an idiot with his friends making jokes about "feeling like a new one" and I pretty much left him for a week when I read that stuff on facebook and when I come back he says how everything will be different. He has punched walls before, he has a temper but on the bright side this is the best he has ever been in his life. He really has never cared about anyone like me before and I have knocked some sense into him, he has stopped watching porn, stopped being dirty to his friends, he comes to bed every night because before he could not sleep so he watches tv in the bedroom. He has come such a long way but how can I forget the past? How can i forget the way I felt? all the things ive seen and been through? He is the same guy at the end of the day but am I the problem? should I have moved on at the start when I saw things I did not like. Its like he only now sees that being decent is OK and it doesnt make a guy look like a pussy. I dont know if I love him or I am attached to him, or that I wont find someone else. I am attractive and slim and people dont understand why I am with him because he looks like a fat slob. He has done nothing for the past 2 years and I am afraid his next course he wont like. I feel like he should have treated me with respect from the start and now I have no respect for him no matter how good he is now. I feel in a way my life would be better with a motivating person to help me and someone i can look at and be proud of and turned on by, someone who my parents dont hate too. But I am here with him, fighting all the time because he wouldnt go for a walk with me, or he wont wake up before 1 in the afternoon. I understand he has a mental illness but he says he loves me with all his heart and its true. But its only because he has never had it this good before. What are some thoughts ? Please be honest I am really stuck here. Oh and I fogot to say a month ago we were drunk and it was late, we had a massive fight and we both went crazy he punched a hole in the wall again, i called the cops and i went to my parents house for the week. As i got back I got a call from a domestic violence woman from the police asking if I was ok and I can call her anytime. He proceeded to call her after my call telling him his side of the story. My parents say hes controlling and knows the system.
Downtown Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I understand he has a mental illness but he says he loves me with all his heart and its true.Coco, has he been diagnosed by a professional? If so, which mental illness was identified? I ask because you are describing several of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) -- e.g., the anger issue, controlling behavior, lack of impulse control, and emotional immaturity you describe. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, Coco.
mystikmind2005 Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Possibly the hardest part is accepting your parents were right!!? That can be a horrible thing to face, People would rather endure whatever hardship comes to avoid it. I tell you one thing, i will never show disrespect to whichever loser my daughter brings home when she grows up one day because i know this will make it harder for her to dump him. Parents with brains will know this.
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