Recovering from relationship with Covert Narcissist

[HurtinPDX]

This is long, sorry.

 

I am recently out of an incredibly damaging, abusive four year relationship with a man whom I think is a covert narcissist. I could use support.

 

When we met I felt good about myself! I was enjoying having a great career, being a highly respected artist, and felt in the prime of my life. We started dating and I was on cloud nine. I felt I'd found my soul mate. He was so intensely loving, charming, kind...everything I ever wanted in a man. When we went out, which was a lot because he has a ton of friends, it was like he was showing me off. I had never experienced that kind of adoration. It seemed like we had the same goals, the same values, everything.

 

I shared deeply personal parts of myself with him. I survived a horrific childhood and had always wanted someone who accepted and loved me (yes, I know...). I felt like he completely adored me and I fell madly in love with him. He shared what felt like very tender parts of himself. He told me how his father is a narcissist and his entire life he wanted to be the opposite of him...he made me feel he had been unlucky in love but now was lucky to have found me.

 

Fast forward six months...we were already engaged. I totally ignored warning signs. The first time was when I gently told him something upset me. He blew a gasket. He began to pick at me. Suddenly I was no longer on the pedestal. I'd slip off...do something wrong...he complained more about me. But then we would make up and I'd be back to being loved...for a time.

 

By the year mark we were having conflict. My efforts to actually have him move in and make a real commitment were met with procrastination. He found endless fault with me. He began belittling me, and treating me with breathtaking scorn. I could do nothing right. I tried to talk about it and he would act like I was the one exaggerating and making conflict. I became convinced I was the problem. He would get angry at me, I would get anxious, and then he would get even angrier I was anxious. He began to say I was crazy and I began to believe it.

 

I went from a confident, happy, loving woman to someone who was constantly anxious, often unhinged, crying, and completely a mess. Our fights were bizarre. He would break up with me, storm off, and I was reduced to absolute panic. I'd ask him to try again. He'd express reluctant remorse and for ever shrinking times, I'd be adored again. But quicker and quicker he would find fault, and the cycle continued. The more I tried to fix things the worse they got.

 

His abuse escalated. One minute he was acting doe-eyed, the next he was raging because I left something in the sink. I was always walking on eggshells. It was so profoundly unhinging and yet, because of my history, it was familiar. In fact he began using the things I had shared with had happened during my childhood to completely unhinge me. Then he would deny doing it, or say he was just being "sarcastic." No matter what happened it was always my fault, and his behavior was justified.

 

I got into therapy, thinking this was all my fault, and for two years the counselor tried to get me to see that his saying "any reasonable person who react this way to her" to me was not true. In fact I still struggle with it. He genuinely believes his reactions to me are justified. When I am in his reality field I believe it too. I know this is because of my own history.

 

He has a public persona of this hurt little boy. People feel very sympathetic towards him. He has a wide circle of friends who are constantly reassuring him, feeling sorry for him and applauding him. It is hard to explain how he sucks people into this but he does. He literally has hundreds of superficial friends who are constantly there to reassure him that life will be alright. He has a history of depression that he uses to gain sympathy. In fact he made me feel awful for not helping him more.

 

During the time we dated I worked full time, took care of house and home, paid for almost everything, and devoted time to volunteering as well as helping others. He was unemployed, angry and did little. But somehow I didn't do enough to help him. He made me feel this way and so did everyone around him.

 

Finally my therapist suggested she meet him. She told me point blank that she thinks he is NPD. I had never heard of it. I started reading about it and it made perfect sense. Still I felt like I couldn't end it. He raged and broke up with me more times than I could count. Each time we returned to the idealization stage, only watered down, and quicker into devaluation and discard.

 

Finally this last time he raged at me, was abusive, and left for good. He went full NC. He cut me completely out of his life.

 

I know I should be happy, but I have been in a lot of pain. I am trying hard to heal. I look back the past few years and am so confused. What happened? How did it happen?

 

The crazy making continues because now he is back out acting like the hurt little boy, the victim act he has polished for so many years. I have had his friends contact me, telling me how much he misses me and put me on a pedestal. This about a guy who abused me and cut me out of his life! Others talk about how sad he is since I broke up with him (!).

 

This is the hardest, most awful time of my life. I wish I had never met him. Sometimes I want to send him letters, confront him but I know it will not do any good. I am in so much pain and trying to find a way to heal. I am seeing my therapist but cannot afford it for long. Any other advice or help is appreciated. Please be kind.

[pointless]

I am so sorry you went through that and are having to deal with the aftermath.

 

You were manipulated and controlled by him via constant abuse and NONE of that is your fault.

 

He is completely at fault and he is the abuser who tore you down in order to prop himself up and have control and power. You are probably are angry at him but DON'T be angry at yourself, you did nothing to deserve it and it was not your responsibility to prevent or fix his abuse and control issues.

 

I get that you want to confront him but if he has NPD he can't really understand or empathise with what he did wrong and maybe never will.

 

Though you are still in pain, that pain is an empowering reminder that you survived and you are free of his abuse and he can't bring you down anymore.

 

Work on self healing and building yourself back to the confident, happy, loving woman that you said you were before he took that away from you. Affirmations really help.

 

Although you say it's over - it's not uncommon for abusers to come back again and again to try regain that control. You do not need to and should not go back to him - there is support here and in so many other places where you can reach out and a multitude of people will support you to stay away from him and continue NC.

[Frogwife]

 

I got into therapy, thinking this was all my fault, and for two years the counselor tried to get me to see that his saying "any reasonable person who react this way to her" to me was not true.

 

 

 

Finally my therapist suggested she meet him. She told me point blank that she thinks he is NPD.

 

Finally this last time he raged at me, was abusive, and left for good. He went full NC. He cut me completely out of his life.

 

I know I should be happy, but I have been in a lot of pain. I am trying hard to heal. I look back the past few years and am so confused. What happened? How did it happen?

 

.

 

If I am understanding this correctly, you were in therapy with this counselor for two years and then she started seeing you and your boyfriend together (you mentioned in another thread that the counselor saw him for several sessions and diagnosed him as NPD).

 

This seems very unusual from my experience with therapists, both in the US (Portland, also, actually) and France. A therapist would never see one person individually and then the couple. They would usually require that the the couple to see a couple's therapist together and have their own individual therapists.

 

Also, I wouldn't focus so much on the "diagnosis" - Narcissism is something that this thrown around a lot today (kind of like the bi-polar, borderline personality diagnoses that were in fashion more recently)... rather, focus on YOU and the aspects of yourself that would allow you to stay in such a horrible relationship for four years (even with the nice moments). It sounds like you have had a very traumatic childhood and it may attract you to certain situations and this is something (hopefully) you and your therapist are covering.

 

It may be time to get a new therapist, as well... I couldn't imagine telling mine all of this abuse and drama with a guy and then having her want to meet the guy as though you are going to somehow going to want to salvage this kind of situation.

 

The fact that he has cut you out is a good thing - you have to be strong and not allow yourself to be sucked back in - especially as it sounds like you have children who really don't need this type of drama.

 

I know it's not easy, but hang in there and do take advantage of the professional support and resources that you have!

[anika99]

I understand completely OP. I was involved with a guy just like that. The whirlwind romance, being put on a pedestal, feeling on top of the world. Then to be picked apart, raged at, accused of horrible things. To finally end up anxious, depressed, walking on eggshells and feeling crazy. I too ended up in therapy and I got discarded pretty much the same way. Raged at me and dumped me over something he imagined I did, then 3 weeks later he was parading around with a new gf. This from the man who proclaimed I was the greatest love of his life, the man I bent over backwards for trying to please him and help him. And the one time I called him up after the break up he immediately started screaming at me that I never loved him and I abandoned him. What??!! It sounded like madness to me.

 

It does take some time to recover from that kind of relationship. You haven't just lost the man, you're also forced into giving up your addiction cold turkey. Yes, these situations become an addiction. The extreme highs and gruesome lows do a number on your brain and you end up addicted the highs which is why you were willing to endure so much pain from this man in the first place.

 

You will get better and when you do you will be stronger and wiser than ever before. You may be in enormous pain right now but there are lessons in that pain. I bet you will never be taken in by a guy like that again. You will know that it's actually not healthy to be put on pedestal because it's objectifying. You will no that relationships take time to build and true love is slow to bloom. You won't ignore obvious problems or your own feelings. The list of ways you will grow from this is endless if you want it to be. Some people never learn, they just go from one sick relationship to the next. Don't do that.

 

Lastly be wary. You think this guy is gone forever but I bet he will try to get back into your life somehow. Everyone told me that my ex was going to try to come back. I didn't believe them because I knew he hated me but there he was, one day about 7 months after our horrible break up, declaring his unending love for me, but it wasn't love, he was just lonely since things didn't work out for him and the new gf and he remembered that I had always been a pretty good sport when it came to taking his abuse. He was hoping I would like to play his game again. Be cautious because this dude is going to turn up again, most likely at a time when you are just getting better and things are looking up. You have to be strong and understand that he hasn't changed and he just wants to abuse you some more.

[Downtown]

Finally my therapist suggested she meet him. She told me point blank that she thinks he is NPD.

Hurtin, perhaps your exBF is a full-blown narcissist as your therapist believes. The behaviors you describe here, however, are mostly red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), not NPD. Specifically, the traits you describe -- i.e., always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, inability to regulate emotions, lack of impulse control, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and, to a lesser extent, NPD (Narcissistic PD). Moreover, the repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of folks having strong traits of BPD.

 

He would get angry at me.... He raged and broke up with me more times than I could count.

Temper tantrums and rage are hallmarks for BPD, not NPD. In the American diagnostic manual (DSM-5), a third of the nine defining traits for BPD contain the terms "anger" or "rage." In contrast, NONE of the nine defining traits for NPD contain either of those terms.

 

I was always walking on eggshells.

That complaint is common among the abused partners of BPDers. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to those abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

He began to say I was crazy and I began to believe it....

The crazy making continues.

If you were dating a BPDer (person with strong BPD traits) for four years, "crazy" is exactly how you should expect to be feeling. Of the 157 mental disorder listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This "crazymaking" effect is one reason that therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. I note that, to a lesser extent, there are two other mental disorders having that same effect: NPD and sociopathy (Antisocial PD).

 

One minute he was acting doe-eyed, the next he was raging because I left something in the sink.

This behavior is called "black-white thinking" (aka, "splitting"). In ten seconds, a BPDer can flip from adoring you to hating or devaluing you. It occurs because a BPDer is too emotionally immature to tolerate being in touch with two strong conflicting feelings. Hence, like a young child, he simplifies his life by putting the conflicting feeling (e.g., his love for you) completely out of reach of his conscious mind. If you want a more detailed explanation, please follow the links I provide below.

 

It was so profoundly unhinging and yet, because of my history, it was familiar. In fact he began using the things I had shared with had happened during my childhood to completely unhinge me.

If he really does have strong BPD traits, this behavior is what you should expect. A BPDer will keep a mental list -- going back years -- of every mistake you ever revealed to him. Then he will not hesitate to pull out the entire list when arguing with you over the most trivial of matters.

 

This is primarily done to "validate" the BPDer's false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." This is why he stayed with you only as long as you played one of two roles: "Rescuer" or "Perpetrator." During the honeymoon period, for example, you were the "Rescuer" -- which implies he must be the victim because you were trying so hard to save him from unhappiness (his depression).

 

As you noted, however, your rescuing days started becoming briefer and farther apart after his infatuation started to evaporate. So, increasingly, your role became that of "Perpertrator," i.e., the cause of his unhappiness and source of his every misfortune. Toward that end, a BPDer needs to maintain a mental list of your every infraction.

 

He has a public persona of this hurt little boy. People feel very sympathetic towards him.

If he is an untreated BPDer, he likely has the emotional development of a four year old. As such, he is a master at projecting vulnerability, which is "catnip" to caregivers like you and me -- and which people generally find very attractive. They are attracted to the childlike warmth of expression and vulnerability. It therefore is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

He literally has hundreds of superficial friends who are constantly there to reassure him that life will be alright.

Yet, if he is a BPDer, he will push them away if any make the mistake of trying to draw emotionally close to him. It is unusual for a BPDer to have any long term close friends unless they live a long distance away.

 

He has a history of depression that he uses to gain sympathy.

If is actually is a BPDer, he likely has one or more "clinical" mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, or PTSD. A recent large-scale study found that 27% of male BPDers suffer from co-occurring Major Depressive Disorder.

 

Similarly, the vast majority of BPDers also suffer from at least one other PD as well. For example, 47% of male BPDers also suffer from strong NPD traits. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

But somehow I didn't do enough to help him. He made me feel this way and so did everyone around him.

If he is a BPDer, he has an empty feeling inside that makes him feel like a bottomless pit of need. Trying to fill that hole -- to make him happy -- is as futile as trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a squirt gun.

 

Any other advice or help is appreciated.

I agree with Anika that you should be wary because your exBF likely will return and try to pull you back into that toxic relationship. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care,

[HurtinPDX]

If I am understanding this correctly, you were in therapy with this counselor for two years and then she started seeing you and your boyfriend together (you mentioned in another thread that the counselor saw him for several sessions and diagnosed him as NPD).

 

This seems very unusual from my experience with therapists, both in the US (Portland, also, actually) and France. A therapist would never see one person individually and then the couple. They would usually require that the the couple to see a couple's therapist together and have their own individual therapists.

 

Also, I wouldn't focus so much on the "diagnosis" - Narcissism is something that this thrown around a lot today (kind of like the bi-polar, borderline personality diagnoses that were in fashion more recently)... rather, focus on YOU and the aspects of yourself that would allow you to stay in such a horrible relationship for four years (even with the nice moments). It sounds like you have had a very traumatic childhood and it may attract you to certain situations and this is something (hopefully) you and your therapist are covering.

 

It may be time to get a new therapist, as well... I couldn't imagine telling mine all of this abuse and drama with a guy and then having her want to meet the guy as though you are going to somehow going to want to salvage this kind of situation.

 

The fact that he has cut you out is a good thing - you have to be strong and not allow yourself to be sucked back in - especially as it sounds like you have children who really don't need this type of drama.

 

I know it's not easy, but hang in there and do take advantage of the professional support and resources that you have!

 

Thank you. You are right that the therapist saw both of us together after seeing me alone. She's since said it was a bad idea, and I agree. I know it is not considered standard practice. I think until that point I was minimizing, deflecting and convinced it was all my fault. I feel like she is helping me a lot with my trauma history outside of that mistake. I'm not sure if I should find someone else for this reason.

 

I agree with you that the label doesn't matter as much as the behavior, including my own in constantly returning to him and reengaging. If any good comes out of this, I think it is a mirror to my own need for healing. I come from an incredibly messed up, reality bending family, and even after so many years of my own healing and forming a successful, happy life, I fell right back into this with alarming ease. That part bothers me greatly, and feels like a motivation to deal with my own trauma history. In my family things that are completely obvious, even documented, are flatly denied. I was accused of lying for reporting abuse that was documented, for instance. I was terribly scapegoated by a mother who excelled at turning people against me. So you can see how familiar this behavior was to me.

 

I was reading that for some of us, these relationships are a hope that our original abusers will say "sorry" and finally stop hurting us. I don't know what you think of that theory, but it feels true to me. I think I kept going back to him and reengaging because I wanted very desperately to not have another person I loved hurt me. A healthier person would have said, hey, you're an *******, I'm out of here.

[HurtinPDX]

Hurtin, perhaps your exBF is a full-blown narcissist as your therapist believes. The behaviors you describe here, however, are mostly red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), not NPD. Specifically, the traits you describe -- i.e., always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, inability to regulate emotions, lack of impulse control, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and, to a lesser extent, NPD (Narcissistic PD). Moreover, the repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of folks having strong traits of BPD.

 

Temper tantrums and rage are hallmarks for BPD, not NPD. In the American diagnostic manual (DSM-5), a third of the nine defining traits for BPD contain the terms "anger" or "rage." In contrast, NONE of the nine defining traits for NPD contain either of those terms.

 

That complaint is common among the abused partners of BPDers. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to those abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

If you were dating a BPDer (person with strong BPD traits) for four years, "crazy" is exactly how you should expect to be feeling. Of the 157 mental disorder listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This "crazymaking" effect is one reason that therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. I note that, to a lesser extent, there are two other mental disorders having that same effect: NPD and sociopathy (Antisocial PD).

 

This behavior is called "black-white thinking" (aka, "splitting"). In ten seconds, a BPDer can flip from adoring you to hating or devaluing you. It occurs because a BPDer is too emotionally immature to tolerate being in touch with two strong conflicting feelings. Hence, like a young child, he simplifies his life by putting the conflicting feeling (e.g., his love for you) completely out of reach of his conscious mind. If you want a more detailed explanation, please follow the links I provide below.

 

If he really does have strong BPD traits, this behavior is what you should expect. A BPDer will keep a mental list -- going back years -- of every mistake you ever revealed to him. Then he will not hesitate to pull out the entire list when arguing with you over the most trivial of matters.

 

This is primarily done to "validate" the BPDer's false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." This is why he stayed with you only as long as you played one of two roles: "Rescuer" or "Perpetrator." During the honeymoon period, for example, you were the "Rescuer" -- which implies he must be the victim because you were trying so hard to save him from unhappiness (his depression).

 

As you noted, however, your rescuing days started becoming briefer and farther apart after his infatuation started to evaporate. So, increasingly, your role became that of "Perpertrator," i.e., the cause of his unhappiness and source of his every misfortune. Toward that end, a BPDer needs to maintain a mental list of your every infraction.

 

If he is an untreated BPDer, he likely has the emotional development of a four year old. As such, he is a master at projecting vulnerability, which is "catnip" to caregivers like you and me -- and which people generally find very attractive. They are attracted to the childlike warmth of expression and vulnerability. It therefore is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

Yet, if he is a BPDer, he will push them away if any make the mistake of trying to draw emotionally close to him. It is unusual for a BPDer to have any long term close friends unless they live a long distance away.

 

If is actually is a BPDer, he likely has one or more "clinical" mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, or PTSD. A recent large-scale study found that 27% of male BPDers suffer from co-occurring Major Depressive Disorder.

 

Similarly, the vast majority of BPDers also suffer from at least one other PD as well. For example, 47% of male BPDers also suffer from strong NPD traits. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

If he is a BPDer, he has an empty feeling inside that makes him feel like a bottomless pit of need. Trying to fill that hole -- to make him happy -- is as futile as trying to fill the Grand Canyon with a squirt gun.

 

I agree with Anika that you should be wary because your exBF likely will return and try to pull you back into that toxic relationship. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care,

 

Downtown, everything you say describes him perfectly. I definitely went from being the rescuer...the soul mate that was going to make him happy...to being the perpetrator, the woman who was driving him crazy and making him even sadder.

 

He definitely followed the cycle you describe, right down to having a memorized list of all my faults that he pulled out when raging, which he did on a dime. I'm embarrassed to think about all the times we'd be trying to discuss something or even just having a nice time and he would erupt. The next thing I'd know he'd be ranting at me about something I had said a year before. I often felt I was being set up. It was clear he felt so uncomfortable with real intimacy, the day to day comfort of being around people, the relaxation you feel in a relationship. There was a sense of awkwardness with him that initially felt like the childlike vulnerability you describe. But under it was a man who simply could not be in connection with others...and he made it all my fault. In public he always acted adoring, so that all this crazy making happened behind closed doors. A relative of him described it perfectly "He cares what other people think about him. He doesn't care how they feel." It took me this long to realize how true that is, in a deep way that confuses me.

 

One of my struggles is he often accused me of having all the symptoms you describe. He would tell me I was like a broken cup, no one could fill me. That I was emotionally too needy, that I was crazy, that I was the bottomless pit of need. I began feeling that way too: that something was really wrong with me. I began having panic attacks, which, again, were proof of how crazy I was. I didn't stop to think anyone would have panic attacks in a situation like that.

 

As Anika says, it becomes like an addiction. I wanted so desperately to regain that feeling I had with him during the good times. It would be impossible to describe how that felt. I am realizing now that was never meant to be, it wasn't real in the way I love others, and others love. I feel a lot of grief, sadness and confusion over that. What I am probably missing is enough anger.

[Downtown]

It wasn't real in the way I love others, and others love.

Hurtin, if he has full-blown NPD as you therapist suggested, he is incapable of loving anyone. Yet, if he is a BPDer with only moderate narcissistic traits, he is capable of loving -- albeit in the impaired, immature way that a four year old is able to love.

 

Although that type of love is very real (as any parent will tell you), it falls far short of the mature type of love that is needed to form and sustain a mature relationship. With a BPDer, what you have is essentially a parent/child relationship, not a mature GF/BF relationship or wife/husband relationship.

 

I feel a lot of grief, sadness and confusion over that. What I am probably missing is enough anger.

With caregivers like us, our best chance of breaking away from a toxic relationship with a BPDer is to hold onto and nurse our righteous anger. Doing so, however, will feel very very wrong to a caregiver. We are so empathetic that we can clearly see the hurt little child in the BPDer. Hence, walking away feels like we are abandoning a sick young child.

 

This is one reason why it feels so painful -- and so wrong -- to walk away. Yet, that is exactly what needs to be done. Otherwise, we will continue enabling the BPDer to behave like a spoiled child without ever having to face the logical consequences of his own bad choices. In that way, we would be destroying his best opportunities to have to confront his own issues and learn how to manage them.

 

I therefore applaud your decision not to take your exBF back when the love bombing resumes at some point in the future. Remember, righteous anger is your friend. Use it like a crutch to walk away from him. Then, a year later when you no longer need it, you can kick that crutch aside.

[HurtinPDX]

Hurtin, if he has full-blown NPD as you therapist suggested, he is incapable of loving anyone. Yet, if he is a BPDer with only moderate narcissistic traits, he is capable of loving -- albeit in the impaired, immature way that a four year old is able to love.

 

Although that type of love is very real (as any parent will tell you), it falls far short of the mature type of love that is needed to form and sustain a mature relationship. With a BPDer, what you have is essentially a parent/child relationship, not a mature GF/BF relationship or wife/husband relationship.

 

With caregivers like us, our best chance of breaking away from a toxic relationship with a BPDer is to hold onto and nurse our righteous anger. Doing so, however, will feel very very wrong to a caregiver. We are so empathetic that we can clearly see the hurt little child in the BPDer. Hence, walking away feels like we are abandoning a sick young child.

 

This is one reason why it feels so painful -- and so wrong -- to walk away. Yet, that is exactly what needs to be done. Otherwise, we will continue enabling the BPDer to behave like a spoiled child without ever having to face the logical consequences of his own bad choices. In that way, we would be destroying his best opportunities to have to confront his own issues and learn how to manage them.

 

I therefore applaud your decision not to take your exBF back when the love bombing resumes at some point in the future. Remember, righteous anger is your friend. Use it like a crutch to walk away from him. Then, a year later when you no longer need it, you can kick that crutch aside.

 

YES! Exactly what I need to hear. I was crying to a friend and was saying I felt like I had abandoned a child and left it in the road. Which is totally wrong when he raged and left me. But that is exactly how it feels. I think sometimes he manifests an image of that child for attention and sympathy. But there were times it felt authentic. I am not sure how much was an act and how much felt like there is a frightened little boy inside him desperate for a love he was also frightened of, and rejected violently. Like a young child, he is incapable of feeling real remorse or empathetic love.

 

I think sometimes we have these labels and they help us understand and frame things...I don't know how perfect they are. I do know that framing this in terms of him being very, very delayed in his conscience development rings more true to me than him being a completely cold narcissist. It makes sense that like a 4 year-old he would rage when not getting his way, or frightened. But unlike a 4 year-old he is a grown man with an intellectual ability to reach into a store vault of knowledge and truly, deeply wound a person.

 

I am very much a caregiver type. I work in a field helping others and have spent most of my life working social causes. It is hard to abandon someone but I do have to connect with an anger. He treated me awfully. He maligned me to our mutual friends. He was abusive and breathtakingly cruel and used my most tender vulnerable secrets to hurt me in indescribable ways. He once got in my face and hissed, "I could destroy you." And he did his best to do it. I think it is on me now to examine why I stayed involved. It is up to me change the reasons why I continued to go back and reengage with him. I need to address those reasons, heal and move, and yes, anger has to be part of that.

[Downtown]

It is up to me change the reasons why I continued to go back and reengage with him. I need to address those reasons, heal and move, and yes, anger has to be part of that.

Hurtin, if you're an excessive caregiver like me, the likely reason you kept reengaging with him is that your desire to be needed (for the things you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the woman you already are). If so, your problem is not that you want to help people but, rather, that you keep doing so even when it is to your great detriment. The result is that we walk right on past all the emotionally available people (BORING!) until we find someone who desperately needs us. Indeed, if our partner doesn't desperately need us, we have difficulty feeling that we are really loved.

 

The best explanation I've seen of how we got to be this way when growing up is Shari Schreiber's blog at Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved? Unfortunately, Schreiber mistakenly confuses BPDers with narcissists and sociopaths -- all of whom she incorrectly describes as spiders who spin webs and lie in wait for some victim to enter their traps. Her description of us excessive caregivers, however, seems very accurate to me.

 

If you have time to read two more articles, I also recommend Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10). Both are at the "Articles" page of the BPDfamily website.

[HurtinPDX]

Thank you. I found this article you suggested really helpful. I so appreciate it! Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. That website is super helpful.

[turnera]

Since you have limited resources as to therapy, has your therapist given you proactive, tangible steps to take in your own life to recover your old self? Like one of those self esteem workbooks, or volunteering again, or changing your environment?

[HurtinPDX]

Since you have limited resources as to therapy, has your therapist given you proactive, tangible steps to take in your own life to recover your old self? Like one of those self esteem workbooks, or volunteering again, or changing your environment?

 

She has me pretty organized. I am doing self-care, and I am still working full time and have my art and causes. I've gotten rid of most reminders of him, and my therapist has me doing a lot of reading. I am seeing her again this week and will be asking for more advice.

 

The hard part is he is very popular in our community of artists, where he is of course playing the victim. I haven't been out to events since the split. It's been a big loss to me. My art and community is hugely important to me, and I feel I am missing that part of myself out of fear of running into him, or encountering his harem of friends who have bought into the idea I am the perpetrator.

 

Which leads me to a question I could use advice on: I was asked to an art event this coming weekend. I would like to go. I get a lot out of seeing art and being around fellow artists. But he will probably be there. I really don't know what to do. I know exactly how he will behave: he will be doing his sad-victim act, and then if he sees me he will somehow combine that with being cold, like come up to me, reach out to me, and say something fake before moving on. It will hurt so bad to see him, and hurt to see how he gets people to buy into this act, but at the same time I don't want to keep missing out on my community. Do you have any thoughts?

[seekingpeaceinlove]

WOW. I needed to read this...as my relationship with my ex is described in this thread although not as intense as some of you have experienced. I was a happy, bright, confident and independent woman before meeting my ex. At the end, I was anxiety-ridden, crushed self-esteem and yet I till long for him after he blew up at me one last time and broke up with me.

 

I never described his antics as abusive yet I ended up feeling like I had been after so many of our fights. I always thought I was the problem and kept trying to change and seek approval from him. He broke up with me several times throughout our relationship but would always "forgive and accept" me back because he "loved" me. He also would say that his reactions to me were normal and that I was the abnormal one. He would say that he had never had to deal with someone like me before. Yet, I continously chased after him for his love and approval.

 

I also grew up in an abusive household witnessing an extremely dysfunctional marriage. My mother physically and emotionally abused me and my dad was negligent.

 

This thread is really eye opening for me. I never wanted to play victim so I would make excuses for him and shift the blame and responsibility on me. That type of thinking is only hurting me. It's ok to say that the other person was wrong. It's ok to say that I wasn't treated well and that I deserved better.

 

It's only a month since my break up (4 year relationship) and I'm still wading through the murk that was our union.

[Glitters]

Reading this makes me feel like I'm reading my own life story! No words can make it better.The only thing that will work for you is to completely go NC . No messages via friends, social media, etc etc. Give yourself more than enough time to heal.Unfortunately, this healing takes a lot of time.

 

He wants you back, he will always want someone to abuse.He will try to have you back because you are familiar but once he sees its not happening, he will find another victim.Till then, take every step to move forward.

[turnera]

 

Which leads me to a question I could use advice on: I was asked to an art event this coming weekend. I would like to go. I get a lot out of seeing art and being around fellow artists. But he will probably be there. I really don't know what to do. I know exactly how he will behave: he will be doing his sad-victim act, and then if he sees me he will somehow combine that with being cold, like come up to me, reach out to me, and say something fake before moving on. It will hurt so bad to see him, and hurt to see how he gets people to buy into this act, but at the same time I don't want to keep missing out on my community. Do you have any thoughts?

You absolutely go! Take a friend with you for courage, and to rescue you if he gets nasty. Reclaiming your group is VITAL for your recovery. Laugh at him/about him, if anyone approaches you about it. Say something like 'yeah, it's a shame he's such a narcissist, because otherwise he was a pretty good boyfriend. But I deserve better treatment than that.' If he says something fake to you in front of other people, just respond in kind: "It's a shame you couldn't be that nice when we were dating" and walk away from him.

 

Bullies will stop bullying you if you don't buy into their crap. If he tries to say something manipulative in front of other people, this one is golden: look at him like you can't believe he just said that, laugh out loud, grin at him, shake your head (like: wow, you are NUTS!), and walk away. It takes back your power every time. Just shaking your head and laughing at them, it's crushing to the bully.

 

The one thing therapists often do is tell you: confront your fears! Do it, and see that it's not as bad or hard as you thought it was. And doing so, you just have NO idea how strong it makes you feel, how good you'll feel about yourself just by going.

 

Go to the hairdresser that day, and pay extra for her to fix you up. If they have a makeup person at your salon, pay to get that done, too. Get your nails done. Consider buying a new outfit so you'll feel super confident. And just go out and dazzle everyone.

 

And if it wouldn't be a problem, consider having a glass of wine or something before you go, to calm your nerves.

Edited November 5, 2015 by turnera