Do dumpers realize or care you are hurt? Why would a dumper go NC?

[HurtinPDX]

Hello everyone

 

I have so appreciated these forums. One of the things I am reeling from is how cruel my ex was during the break up. The break-up itself was him raging at me until I was crying, saying awful things about me, and then storming off. Then he cut me and my kids completely out of his life, as if we never existed. There was no kindness, no closure, just cruelty.

 

Since then he has been NC. He blocked me on social media and I think blocked my number and email, since my early efforts to contact him about belongings have been ignored. He is out with our mutual friends, apparently doing the same old thing. It's as if four years of me loving him and trying to make it work never happened. I feel thrown away, discarded and as if I was told I was garbage.

 

I know intellectually that he was a very angry, depressed and narcissistic person, and the things he said about me were not true. But emotionally it is hard to be left in this place, with his last cruel words ringing in my ears.

 

I don't understand why a person would break up with another person in such a cruel way. Why would a dumper do this? I've had one other serious relationship that lasted 15 years. As hard as our break up was, I was never mean, and neither was he. We are very amicable today. This relationship and its aftermath has been so incredibly painful for me. I keep wanting a sense of closure, of kindness, and maybe I have to realize it will never happen. Does anyone have any feedback or advice?

[pointless]

I'm sorry he treated you like that during / post breakup.

 

I think for some people it is far easier to walk away from someone you love if you convince yourself you hate them / you're angry at them. Admitting that you still love someone and still choosing to walk away is incredibly painful and confusing.

 

He must have loved you and your kids deeply to behave so despicably at the end but my guess is that was the only way he was able to deal with it / move on himself.

 

My advice is to look at him as someone who does not have the mental ability to cope with heartache rationally like you do. You know he didn't mean all the things he said and it is going to be really hard to forgive him for saying those things and cutting you off so bluntly with such disregard for the relationship and love you shared.

But you have to feel sorry for him and forgive him and realise you are a much stronger person than he is.

And if he is truly a narcissist and doesn't care how he hurts others you must feel even more sorry for him because he will never truly know how to love.

[HurtinPDX]

I'm sorry he treated you like that during / post breakup.

 

I think for some people it is far easier to walk away from someone you love if you convince yourself you hate them / you're angry at them. Admitting that you still love someone and still choosing to walk away is incredibly painful and confusing.

 

He must have loved you and your kids deeply to behave so despicably at the end but my guess is that was the only way he was able to deal with it / move on himself.

 

My advice is to look at him as someone who does not have the mental ability to cope with heartache rationally like you do. You know he didn't mean all the things he said and it is going to be really hard to forgive him for saying those things and cutting you off so bluntly with such disregard for the relationship and love you shared.

But you have to feel sorry for him and forgive him and realise you are a much stronger person than he is.

And if he is truly a narcissist and doesn't care how he hurts others you must feel even more sorry for him because he will never truly know how to love.

 

Thank you. That offered me a lot of solace. I appreciate it!

[Wewon]

 

I know intellectually that he was a very angry, depressed and narcissistic person, and the things he said about me were not true. But emotionally it is hard to be left in this place, with his last cruel words ringing in my ears.

 

I don't want to sound glib, but you've answered your own questions here.

 

It sounds like you have higher aspirations for his character than he does. You have to made peace with the fact that he is not a compassionate person and stop expecting that from him.

[HurtinPDX]

It sounds like you have higher aspirations for his character than he does.

 

That is something I will remember. Thank you.

[NoMoreJerks]

Mine did this too. He went cold turkey on me, after he broke up with me the day after he had told me he loved me and brought me banana bread he had baked. He broke up with me saying that he chose his (female) friends over me, that I had hurt his friends (???? still have no idea what that was about), and then went home and deleted me from facebook, blocked me on facebook, most likely filtered his email to delete any emails from me (or otherwise is ignoring my heartfelt email to him), and went on a dating site and put up a profile that I would find for sure (since I had said I had looked for him on a dating site the first time he broke up with me), I am not sure if he is actually using it to date or not (no photo, inaccurate info), but I know that it's him for sure, since he put a username that I'd recognize, and also the stuff he's written, is stuff that we've talked about. I think he is trying to hurt me, to seek revenge because I hurt his ego somehow (we argued/fought a few times before the first breakup, and once before the second breakup). I am not sure. Regardless, I find this highly immature, terrible, cold, cruel behavior. Very hurtful. I also just found out (I was snooping on his male friend's facebook) that he was at his friend's Halloween party, with his son, and he wore a costume , even though he didn't want to do that with me, when we were together, when I suggested it. I was so excited about wanting to do it this year, as I've never done it, and he didn't seem very enthusiastic about it / changed the subject every time, even long before things turned sour. He has gone cold turkey. Zero communication from him (unless we consider his dating profile as a "message" to me that he is moving on or something). Also, he secretly snoops on my professional website (I can see his IP address on my stats). He has visited my website 3 times so far, in the past 3 weeks. He has no idea that I can know that he's doing that, though. Which is why I get the impression that he is playing mind games and trying to hurt me. It's not about doing strict NC to move on. I don't know. None of this makes sense. I am so hurt after seeing that photo of him in Halloween costume. This is a (male) friend who did not even show up to his bday last year, didn't even get him a present afterwards, ignores him for months, and didn't answer his phone calls for weeks after we got back together. All of a sudden he's contacting my ex , hanging out with him, etc. I can't help but wonder if he was doing it as a snub to me.

Edited November 1, 2015 by NoMoreJerks

[contel3]

I do think dumpers realise they are being cruel...but I don't think they realise to which extent. It takes a lot of compassion to realise that and that is something most "mean" dumpers can do only months/years later.

 

People who end a relationship like that are immature and you should feel sorry for them. They're like troubled teenagers who can't handle their feelings and start picking fights and drinking booze instead of trying to sort things out. I'm really sorry this happened to you! Don't take it personally and try to see it as proof of HIS bad character. He's behaving like a child. It says nothing about you, your worth or what you meant to him. It will get better!

 

Also I agree with what another poster said. He probably has less good qualities than you think.

[d0nnivain]

Some people just have a salt the earth mentality. They have to disintegrate the relationship into oblivion. You characterize him as "a very angry, depressed and narcissistic person." That's why he did what he did. Since you know that the crap he said about you wasn't true, add liar to the list. Now thank your lucky stars that such a toxic person is out of your life. Don't take anything he said as valid. Then move on.