cloud3 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Hi everybody, I am 29 dating man 33,we both live aboard and work,that is how we met,we are from different countries. My father was soooo attached to his mother,we were always 2nd priority,he used to come home from work,to have lunch with us and to go straight to his mother till the rest of the day,his mother was actually dictating our lives,one period of time she lived in apartment next to us...my mother suffered a looooot bcs of that,her whole life depended of mood of my grandmother. And unfortunately I am recognizing the same things in my boyfriend.He has no father,he has one brother and one sister who are not very for life,he do everything for them,he is the head of his family and his mother is sooooooo attached to him,not to be mean,but she took him somehow as her husband. She is calling him every day,telling him how much she miss him,she is coming here every 2 months,last time she had idea to come and stay with us 6 months!!!He bought house at home and she has already chosen room where is she going to live when he gets married!!! What is the solution with such men! For now it is ok bcs we are far from her,but what will be in the future if I marry him,mother is always mother,she can ruin my life is she wants,especially when children come. Sometimes I think that I should date only men who have no family,I know how it sounds,But to go through hell my mother went...I don't know what to do.
kendahke Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 What is the solution with such men! To not get involved with them in the first place. That's the easiest thing to do, not try to come between him and his mother. He's not in a place where he wants an adult relationship, so leave him where he stands and find a man who isn't still all caught up with mommy. You seem to have attracted a guy with your father's traits, perhaps in an effort to correct your father. That doesn't work. You recognize the damage this dynamic has from witnessing it first hand in your own family. Seems to me that that is enough for you to drop him off at the mall and go find an adult. 1
Author cloud3 Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 But we are dating for 2 years,he is responsible and good man,everything is perfect,just that part with his mother,and I didn't know about it when I met him. I have never tried to come between him and his mother,I told him all about my family and that I see the same in him,he understands and for now is ok,but if we get married I don't even want to think what can happen. But I know that you can not change people.What guarantees me that next man will not have the same or snt else,and you know,I am fed up just to think to meet someone from the start,to go for dates,to get to know each other. I somehow have no more energy for that.Men took so much energy from me.I dated man for almost 7 years who dumped me bcs of another woman,I was 26 then,then I met so many people and I dated 2 men who were disaster. Really I feel I have no more patient for men,it is wasted energy.
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 You have recognized the pattern. You are correct that mom will always be part of the package. If you can deal with that, continue to date him. If you already recognize it will be a problem, get out now before you become even more connected.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 People who have close relationships with their parents don't often change. And if the parent is needy and unreasonable, watch out. I had to end a relationship with a man I loved very much because of constant interference from his mother. He tried to keep her intrusions at bay, but she was very experienced with emotional manipulation and guilt-tripping, and she just kept bringing the drama. She succeeded at keeping us both stressed and on edge, and he couldn't seem to get himself out from under her thumb, so eventually I had to go. I don't envy the position you're in. I guess just listen to your intuition about what's right for you. I endured the situation for as long as I could, but I just could not see bringing children into such an unhealthy dynamic, so that meant it was a dead end for me.
kendahke Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) But we are dating for 2 years,he is responsible and good man,everything is perfect,just that part with his mother,and I didn't know about it when I met him. But you knew about it long before 2 years passed. I have never tried to come between him and his mother,I told him all about my family and that I see the same in him,he understands and for now is ok,but if we get married I don't even want to think what can happen. You need to think about what can happen. This isn't going to dissolve by not facing it. If he doesn't have a reasonable grip on his mommy-needs by now, he ain't going to get one and being married isn't going to make that problem go away. Marriage doesn't solve existing problems; it amplifies them. This will be a part of the "for better, for worse" that you will be agreeing to. But I know that you can not change people.What guarantees me that next man will not have the same or snt else,and you know,I am fed up just to think to meet someone from the start,to go for dates,to get to know each other. Working with a therapist to get at the root of why you attracted a man just like your dad with mommy issues and then stayed with him instead of when finding out that this was afoot, to put the relationship down. I somehow have no more energy for that.Men took so much energy from me.I dated man for almost 7 years who dumped me bcs of another woman,I was 26 then,then I met so many people and I dated 2 men who were disaster. Really I feel I have no more patient for men,it is wasted energy. If you feel that way, then perhaps taking a break from dating might be your best course of action. It's better to be alone than to be in a situation that you cannot bear with a man and he won't change. Edited November 1, 2015 by kendahke
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