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Tell me what stage of your break up are you in and how you are dealing with it

TheLoveBelow92

By TheLoveBelow92
in Coping

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thespacey1 Established Member

thespacey1

Posted
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8 months post breakup.

Quit my job.

 

Also, good for you for quitting your job because your probably needed a fresh start and/or it wasn't right for you. Hopefully you're OK financially.

 

My ex-fiance always thought I was secretly putting money away for some well thought out escape plan from him... Of course I had to put a little thought into leaving him, but we'll thought out was what it was NOT! I just wanted a peace of mind.

 

I've also wait a job before without having a plan... At that time, I just needed a place of mind and the job was causing me mental anguish... So I understand if that's where you were coming from. If not, do share...

The_Dork_Lard Established Member

The_Dork_Lard

Posted
Posted (edited)

8 months post break up.

 

First 6 months, I was in denial, and felt little pain at all.

 

The last 2 months have been progressively worse with the peak rawness about 2 weeks ago where I felt nothing but raw pain, and I was even crying in the street. But in the last 2 weeks I've been on something of an emotional roller coaster where I can feel anger, romanitic sentiment, anguish, optimism, and most importantly, twinges of acceptance, all before my lunch break! Each day is dramatically different from the next. A few days ago I felt like the most unattractive no hoper on the face of the earth, whereas right at this moment I've realised all the good things I've got going on, and how my ex leaving me really was the best thing that could've happened to me.

 

Despite this back and forth, I also see an overarching linear improvement, in that every day I have where I feel bad, it's made up for by a day where I feel almost completely over her, and buzzing with optimism about both myself, and my future. I can see how I've moved on overall.

 

That's not to say I won't glaze over in a wave of melancholy later tonight where I'll be *that* close to texting her. But if I do, then I'll see that as a temporary phase that may only last a few hours. I've become quite good at seeing my emotional state for what it is (but not every time - not the really intense ones).

 

Generally, to answer your question, I'd say I'm straddling the line between depression and acceptance, and I now anticipate that long fade out where I look back with a tinge of pain or romance every now and then, but will have definitely moved on. I'd say one more month and I'll be in that territory. I can feel it coming, and this is my 4th horrible breakup in my life, so I have faith in my intuition.

Edited by The_Dork_Lard
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Scottyboyy Member

Scottyboyy

Posted
Posted
The first 3 or 4 weeks were hell. Some days I didn't even get out of bed.

And then a light bulb went on.

 

After 3 years of happiness, she showed her true colours (she showed them MUCH earlier than that in reality, but I chose to ignore ALL the early warning signs). These past 6 months, all the disgusting things she's said to me, the horrific way she treated me with absolutely NO respect for my feelings. THAT would have been my entire future if she didn't vanish on me/discard me.

 

That's not a future I want.

 

So yeah, I'm beginning to see the shoots of recovery. Long road ahead but I'm on the right track.

 

This is epic. Right where I am at. Friday will be 8 weeks since BU, and just about 7 weeks of NC.

 

In the early years of my relationship there were many red flags that I chose to ignore simply because I didnt want to be alone. I stuck it out for 3.5 years because I continued to have fear of rejection, abandonment, and being alone. Ultimately we make decisions based on ourselves which put us in a position to be hurt. I am a sick puppy, but I aware of what I need to do to continue to get healthier. I cant say the same for her, and I am grateful she wants nothing to do with me. I would have had a miserable life without any growth. I always remember I picked such a sick woman, so how sick was I?

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keiji Established Member

keiji

Posted
Posted

Definitely on the way up. Six months since breakup, over two months of NC and I won't keep the promise I made to contact her when I felt better (she didn't want NC). I'm working a lot on myself, treating me like royalty, indulging in every whim I can reasonably afford and basically trying to enjoy life to the fullest. That was quite unconceivable a mere two months ago. I still think of her, of course, you can't switch feelings off overnight, but her face is slowly vanishing from my head. My happiness doesn't depend on her anymore. It's time to live the present and look at the future with optimism. Actually, I'm happier now than I've been in a long, long time, and I think that's part of being alone for a while, undergoing therapy, weighing up the last five years of my life and, with a lot of effort, accepting the loss with dignity.

 

So yes, it takes a lot of effort, it's painful, but it's worth it. Close the door and throw away the key.

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keiji Established Member

keiji

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Posted

I'll correct myself. Not "being alone", but "being single". It's a very important distinction.

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Elwood Member

Elwood

Posted
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It's been 5 months for me and I'm still a mess. I hate to admit it but I'm still struggling with it. I miss her, I still love her and she has long since moved on. I can't seem to let go. I've felt so bad at times I actually began to pray for help and I'm not a religious person.

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Cooper04 Member

Cooper04

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I don't know what stage I'm in as it seems to change every day.

Yesterday I felt great, best day since the BU. But today.... back in the dumps.

 

I have noticed my thought patterns changing slightly lately. Before I was thinking a lot about what I could do to fix things, to get her back.

How much of my dignity and self worth would I have to sacrifice to get back with her? :rolleyes:

Was in constant negotiation with my self.

 

But in the last few days, I haven't really missed her as much. Been focusing more on what went wrong and come to a sort of acceptance of why she ended it and that it's over.

Miss being in a relationship more than I miss her if that makes sense.

 

Going to an event at a bar tomorrow, found out today she's supposed to be there.

Don't want to stay home, because that will be like I'm letting her run my life. But don't want to go either.

Either she won't be there, which will almost certainly be because she doesn't want to meet me, or she will be there and I can ignore her or talk to her. No matter which of these things happen, I expect to end up feeling crap and hurt again.

No Contact works but unfortunately contact is unavoidable sometimes..

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TheLoveBelow92 Established Member

TheLoveBelow92

Posted
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I don't know what stage I'm in as it seems to change every day.

Yesterday I felt great, best day since the BU. But today.... back in the dumps.

 

I have noticed my thought patterns changing slightly lately. Before I was thinking a lot about what I could do to fix things, to get her back.

How much of my dignity and self worth would I have to sacrifice to get back with her? :rolleyes:

Was in constant negotiation with my self.

 

But in the last few days, I haven't really missed her as much. Been focusing more on what went wrong and come to a sort of acceptance of why she ended it and that it's over.

Miss being in a relationship more than I miss her if that makes sense.

 

Going to an event at a bar tomorrow, found out today she's supposed to be there.

Don't want to stay home, because that will be like I'm letting her run my life. But don't want to go either.

Either she won't be there, which will almost certainly be because she doesn't want to meet me, or she will be there and I can ignore her or talk to her. No matter which of these things happen, I expect to end up feeling crap and hurt again.

No Contact works but unfortunately contact is unavoidable sometimes..

 

How did that go? I know eventually we all care a little less but its just when we see them its just a painful reminder... it takes longer for others than for some and for people who have been badly hurt before its a lot easier i figure

Cooper04 Member

Cooper04

Posted
Posted
How did that go? I know eventually we all care a little less but its just when we see them its just a painful reminder... it takes longer for others than for some and for people who have been badly hurt before its a lot easier i figure

 

It actually went really well. She wasn't there, and I didn't really care. Barely thought about her all night.

Had a good time, hooked up with a different girl and really feel like I've progressed in the days since.

As you say, had she been there it would have changed everything.

But for now, pretending she doesn't exist helps me feel better about myself and the situation.

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TheLoveBelow92 Established Member

TheLoveBelow92

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It actually went really well. She wasn't there, and I didn't really care. Barely thought about her all night.

Had a good time, hooked up with a different girl and really feel like I've progressed in the days since.

As you say, had she been there it would have changed everything.

But for now, pretending she doesn't exist helps me feel better about myself and the situation.

 

Thats good to hear man, A little positivity can actually go a long way, glad to hear

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RocketQueen Established Member

RocketQueen

Posted
Posted

I'm on day 2 of N/C after a failed half a$$ed effort (on his part) at a 'second chance' which was his idea so I'm not feeling too great at the moment.

 

I suspect this weekend will be difficult as he's going to an event that I was unable to attend that would have been special to us both and the plan originally was that he'd keep me updated.

 

I just feel a mixture of everything, mostly sadness and just a little bit empty. I am looking forward to brighter days.

MajorOak Member

MajorOak

Posted
Posted

It's been two years since her EA, split for 18 mths.

I thought I was doing fine, and even said so in here.

However I think the tide is turning things are starting to not feel right.

:(

kat2008 Member

kat2008

Posted
Posted

After a horrendous week last week, where he contacted me via text every day (most unusual) to chit chat and ask dumb questions, which sadly I did respond to, albeit very lightly, he eventually revealed his reason for texting and told me he wouldn't be back at weekend due to an exhibition he wanted to go to - strangely, the exhibition was in his new girlfriends city (I mean, how dense does he think I am?!!)

 

So, I had a bad weekend - and he wasn't even here at the house!! I am trying so very hard to be upbeat (even if I have to fake it til I make it) and not let him effect me but sometimes... Anyway, I had a counselling session yesterday and got some good advice which has given me the impetus to carry on again. I have applied to do some charity work early on a Sunday morning so that will get me out the house part of the weekend - there is so little to do here :(

 

The problem is I can't get HER out of my head. I don't really think about him much, I deliberately no longer analyse things - can't change the past. But have fixated on her since last week; I keep seeing the photos and texts she sent him which is how I found out for sure he was cheating. This is screwing with me now. :mad:

icyfeline Member

icyfeline

Posted
Posted

It's been about a week & a half since my BU & I'm struggling a lot. I despise waking up every day. I'm working on myself but I'm depressed no matter what I seem to do - he's all I think about.

I know it's still early & the pain will fade with more time, but at the moment it just doesn't feel like it.

lifesteps New Member

lifesteps

Posted
Posted

Just recently separated and the divorce will (unfortunately) come soon. I am an artist by nature and when I feel, I feel deep. I just registered here to see how other people (perhaps in a similar situation) are handling their romantic struggles. I may, at a later date, post a little more about me.

thespacey1 Established Member

thespacey1

Posted
Posted (edited)

It's been about a year and 1/2 since I left my ex, for good reason. I've been carrying around this sadness as if I got dumped. I feel like I'm just at the stage of just being angry... Angry for allowing myself to stay with him for so long without getting mad enough while WITH him. Honestly, he got mad enough for three both of us. So there needed to be a balance... Still I felt like he was driving me crazy and suffocating me.

 

I've been sad, cried and been depressed most days,for about a year now. Faking it for the world is what I've had to do and it only makes things worse at the end of the day... Some days are cool while some have been dreadful. I'm thankful that I had the guts to leave him. Otherwise, I'd probably be worse off than I am now.

 

At this point I want to erase there memories of him, good and bad because it makes me feel like I've gone crazy. Il even though I know he can be a mad man, I still miss "us", the good times. I wish the memories could just be erased because in tired of being so sentimental.

Edited by thespacey1
Raina314 Established Member

Raina314

Posted
Posted (edited)

I have no idea what stage I'm in. Last week I felt like I'd totally accepted it and was ready to move on, then this Monday I had a dream we got back together and woke up completely devastated that we weren't and felt almost as bad as the day he left. Now I'm just passively sad and don't know how to be. We see each other every once in a while at events with our mutual friends and I never know whether to ignore him or act friendly but no matter what I do it hurts. It's been almost six months. My whole life has changed and I don't know how to live it. I got my first full time job just before he dumped me, I lost my best girl friend, and then I lost him too and all the change makes it really hard for me to even remember who I am or what's important to me. I feel like I've lost my center.

 

I keep remembering how happy and excited I was when we first kissed, and it's just devastating to think it ended with him just not caring about me enough to stay with me. None of my other breakups have ended this way. No one has ever walked out and just stopped caring and the one guy who did was the one I loved most and lost my virginity to. I spent a year giving the absolute best of myself to this guy, only to be told I wasn't loved and get left behind. I'm just crushed and I don't know when I'll recover.

Edited by Raina314
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OXS550 Member

OXS550

Posted
Posted

Haven't seen mine since Feb 7th. Talked to her (yelled at her) Feb 29th. No contact since. However I can turn on the Dallas Mavs home games and see her pregnant, sitting next to the severally obese OM :lmao:. So I don't watch the games.

 

I find myself in a mix of completely moved on, yet several small thoughts of the relationship throughout the day. I usually tell myself I don't really miss her, just the idea i created in my head of who she was. Have gone on several dates, but not 100% ready for that yet. It does get easier the more you interact with friends and realize you're better off.

drewbee30 Member

drewbee30

Posted
Posted

8 weeks out of a 10 year relationship. Things began breaking down about 2 years ago. I think we both held on for too long. I grew as an individual in the relationship, and we just seemed to grow a part. I'm not mourning the loss of the relationship at this point, it's more the loss of a friend. I'm on day 21 of NC afrer 2 previous attempts of NC (20 days and 9 days!)

 

My emotions have been all over, although sadness has really set in the last week or so. I'm beginning to realize what we had, or I guess you could say didn't have, is over. I broke down in the shower yesterday for about 20 minutes yesterday crying, to beating on a tire with a sledgehammer for 20 minutes today. How's that swing for ya, ha!!

 

It's hard to think about how emotionally invested she was the first 7 years, and then how I was the last 3. We just passed each other! Unfortunately it took me a really long time to mature. She hung in there as long as she could, but in the end, she just shut down emotionally on me, I saw it, but didn't want to accept it.

 

The good thing is now I know what I want in my next relationship and what I don't. I found myself, I can only hope she does the same for herself. There's a small part of me that thinks we will re-unite one day, but I'm not going to wait around for it. I'll leave that up to fate! For now I'll keep moving on and feeling everything I have to! It's quite the ride. Not as bad as my first heart break, but still a ride!

sorano Established Member

sorano

Posted
Posted

4 months. Was a mess in the beginning. Still get angry time to time. Still don't wish my ex well. Hate her guts still. Not at that level of forgiveness yet.

 

I'm very picky on who I date now. Not sure if it's good or bad. Been talking to so many women lately I had to step back and calm down. I'll go with them but after a date or two I don't feel it. Again, picky.

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TheLoveBelow92 Established Member

TheLoveBelow92

Posted
  • Author
Posted

My ex actually unblocked me a few days ago as I seen her comment on mutual friends post, obv I had a peak seen her in a relationship with some guy even tho it's been 9 months which is the scary part I have always been thinking about her since way back when, it's been tough as I should have and could have done better and had to leave everything I wanted. I wanted to know I wasn't just another guy and to know she cared as much as me but that was just the comfort I found,

 

All my mutual friends knew how bad I took it, I bounced back from depression over many things included but I still can't wait until I go to sleep to wake up and get another day over with, it sucks because it never felt at any point that I'm making progress just that I keep ploughing through the days hoping one of them will be my break but it's been 9 long hard months and I'm starting to break, there's no real release from it and it's all just my head, getting hard to keep the head above the water for this long in the small hope of me getting feeling better...

Here's to the brighter days :)

  • 3 months later...
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TheLoveBelow92 Established Member

TheLoveBelow92

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Its Crazy how much time passes and how much you change as a person, hardest part of the end of the relationship was holding onto it for dear life as it was my first and dived into the deep end and lessoned learned. Since then went on many dates as many as i could and seen and learned a lot i realised what i felt, is not how she felt and kind of understanding what repeat mistakes ive heard from other woman as the first.

 

So I take it on board try and change those habits for the next and with time and experince and growing as a person im completely diffrent to how I was when I first posted and dont look back and question things as much as i did.

 

I do still think of her quite a bit but theres less sting in it and even when.i see her in person i see shes a stranger now it makes it that little bit easier

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Traceycprc Member

Traceycprc

Posted
Posted

It's actually only been around 3 weeks since we broke up, it feels more like 3 months! He basically cheated on me with a woman he claimed to be a 'friend' with. At first I was devastated and I went NC straight away. I found out he was in a relationship with his friend, that just added to the pain. But I kept NC even when he started texting me. I have had maybe one good day, and the others have been so painful, especially first thing on a morning when I realised he is gone for good. But I got up, went running, got the puppy I always wanted (and I love him to death already, training him is great too), started reading history again, joined a photography course. Started riding my bike in lovely places again, pretty much what I felt like doing :cool: Over the last week I have been doing a bit better, and since hearing he is no longer in a relationship with his 'friend' even better. I have been looking after me, and I feel such a better person already, more independant and strong. I do feel lonely at times, but I'm OK with that. I wouldn't want him back even if he came back crawling on his knees, I deserve more and when I'm ready I will think about dating again. I'm looking after me, giving myself some love. I sacraficed a lot to be with him, gave up what I wanted to do. I let him make me feel not good enough for a long time. When you step away, comes with it is clarity. You see the relationship for what it really was, you need to step away first, that is the hard part. When your emotions are running high and you are in contact still, you can't see it. So take that step back, use NC, and you will see you can do better :D

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