sweetwhispers Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 How long does this last? I keep bouncing from one emotion to another. No one understands unless they have been through it themselves.
tojaz Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Unfortunately, there's no set time limit where a bell goes off and the sun comes out from behind the clouds. How long has it been? I think it my case it was at least a year before things started to break through. TOJAZ 1
Author sweetwhispers Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 5 months but still waiting for final decree.
tojaz Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Sadly, I would probably prepare for another 6 months as you gradually start to come out the other side (I take it you were not the initiator). Receiving the final decree was a hard hit as are the upcoming holidays so be ready and lean on those you can rely on for support, it will get easier though, I promise. TOJAZ
Author sweetwhispers Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 I am the one that filed but he is the one who left. Thankfully, I have great family and friends. I just find times difficult when left alone to think. I try to stay busy but doesn't always happen lol. 1
Yasuandio Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 You may know when actual, REAL, gut-wrenching grieving begins. THEN, is when you have your choice to allow it to happen, and FEEL the painful process. It hit me out of the clear blue sky - suddenly, fiercely. I went on to "feel it," when the event occurred. I refer it is as "crying backwards," an internal, tribal sort of gasping, that comes from deeply inside your guts. After experiencing this reaction a few times, (perhaps 3), I immediately felt better and better. I would never have wanted anyone to see me going this; as it would have been very saddening to witness, I would imagine. When I allowed this "grieving" to naturally unfold - it was like a release. It passed as fast as it came on. Each time, afterwards, I dried my eyes, and then watched a good movie or whatever - as if it never happened. I faced the reality of the loss in this process, and I am glad I went through it. Acceptance came somewhat later, in my case. Hope this helps, Yas 2
HeavyHeart15 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 How long does this last? I keep bouncing from one emotion to another. No one understands unless they have been through it themselves. I wish I knew. It's been over 8 months now and I'm still bouncing from one emotion to another. I have my good days and then I have some incredibly difficult days. You just have to feel it through and let it go. Over and over again. 2
StBreton Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 (edited) How long does this last? I keep bouncing from one emotion to another. No one understands unless they have been through it themselves. Sorry you're experiencing this SW ... I've been there and still a bit there and can empathize. It's been about 1.5 years post decree for me ... I couldn't even look at my decree ... Had my sister read it to me. I cried an entire month after the decree was finalized. My first 6 months post separation I did counseling/divorce care classes. That was helpful. I also dated a lot ... Kept myself very busy socially and activity wise... that part lasted 1.5 years ... All of it was simply a distraction ... So I stopped it all this past month and have just been doing a lot of reflecting and spending some peaceful time alone when my kids go to their dad's. (I did go on a few dates some weeks ago ...but other than that work and kids and LS ...this site is so helpful). I found along my path that I could only process so much grief at a time ... In microbytes ...or else I felt as though I'd crumble. My in between times I would go into a sort of denial that any of this was happening and be really busy and joyful ...so ups and downs. I'm actually at a pretty good place now ... from separation to now it has been 2 years exactly. Be patient and kind with yourself ... The process can't be rushed as I found out. Even though I was desperately trying to "get back to normal." I had a lot of good times along the way though and would change very little of how I handled my grieving. So as another poster said ... You'll go through it again and again and again ... Handling and processing it a little at a time. Try to have some uplifting times along the way and be joyfully present in those moments ... Pushing aside the sadness. Hugs. Edited October 31, 2015 by StBreton
Author sweetwhispers Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 Thanks! I have those days where I feel great and then boom one day I struggle with feelings of depression and failure. It hits me like a ton of bricks! I stay busy with my kids and their sports. I have a great career. I just am having a hard time atm.
StBreton Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Thanks! I have those days where I feel great and then boom one day I struggle with feelings of depression and failure. It hits me like a ton of bricks! I stay busy with my kids and their sports. I have a great career. I just am having a hard time atm. Ya I've got the same with kids sports and such ... But the emotions ... I totally understand ... I admire you for being so "in the moment" even if it's really tough right now. You might go through the grief cycle faster as you are really dealing with your emotions ... I spent more time in denial for a long time to avoid the pain ... As I said I thought I would crumble from it. So this may have elongated my recovery. What kinds of things do you turn to when you're feeling down? Do you exercise? Take up a new hobbie? (This was a lifesaver for me) 1
Author sweetwhispers Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 So far I have been able to stay busy until bedtime...at least sometimes. I talk to family or friends when I'm down. I had been exercising then stopped.....need to start again. Haven't really thought about taking up a new interest/hobby.
Tayla Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 mostly after a life changing event... a cycle of grief happens... as the years proceed... different responses will surface in reflection. Most ppl who end a somewhat perceived healthy relation seem to tend to their wounds and incorporate the experience for future times. Those who had a negative one ( abuse or trauma) seem to progress slower as they are having to relearn a level of self appreciation for surviving. What seems a common thing though is that if their are kids involved... the single parent must grieve the family milestones... seeing your child wed and the split parents trying to be civil , yet underneath is the sorrow of what their decision to divorce did to their kids. I do not subscribe to the kids are resilent theory... they hurt they feel... and they too spend their life grieving for the family that once was.. Its not to say we cease to recover... We just need to re-adjust and realize that our past will from time to time remind us .. and that reminder is to live, love differently... we have to... cuz that event changed us... for better or worse. I chose better since the worse already happened... may you do the same in due time.
Author sweetwhispers Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 Thanks! I definitely think about how my kids feel too but sometimes I'm thinking about me. It's definitely hard to go through this.
chapter44 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Ya I've got the same with kids sports and such ... But the emotions ... I totally understand ... I admire you for being so "in the moment" even if it's really tough right now. You might go through the grief cycle faster as you are really dealing with your emotions ... I spent more time in denial for a long time to avoid the pain ... As I said I thought I would crumble from it. So this may have elongated my recovery. What kinds of things do you turn to when you're feeling down? Do you exercise? Take up a new hobbie? (This was a lifesaver for me) I think we have all been there. Unfortunately there's no easy way through it. But it does get easier, especially when you have this as an outlet.
StBreton Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I think we have all been there. Unfortunately there's no easy way through it. But it does get easier, especially when you have this as an outlet. So true so true Chap ... Nice to run into you here again! OP ... These threads have been such a wonderful outlet ... I'll read these for a few hours instead of stressing that I'm "alone" and not in a relationship right now (keeps me making intentional dating decisions and not just picking someone because I'm lonely) ... these forums and the people on them keep me centered on my path to feeling normal again. Whenever you feel you need a community that knows what you're going through and will welcome you with open hearts arms ears just come here. Also ... You'll learn a lot reading so much wisdom. How are you feeling today? Is it a good day or a down day? With your kiddos this weekend?
StBreton Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 (edited) Thanks! I definitely think about how my kids feel too but sometimes I'm thinking about me. It's definitely hard to go through this. SW ... It's normal to think of yourself first ... If you don't take care of you ...you can't take care of your kids. It's the airplane oxygen mask theory ... So give yourself permission to take care of yourself. But ... I do ask my kids every week how their happy meters are ... I do this individually and privately so they can share without worry what their sibling thinks of their concerns etc. I tell them I love them all the time ... I'm sure you do the same so take care of yourself. You're going through one of the most traumatic of losses. Edited October 31, 2015 by StBreton
salparadise Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 It may help to realize that the cycling of emotions is normal and to be expected. The five stages of grief are- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You won't necessarily experience them in order, and you may return to one or more several times. You won't suddenly break through and be as you were. The experience of loss is integrated and becomes part of you. The goal is to accept it and start functioning and living fully again. The length of time is variable- no way to predict. In the meantime, practice self-care, talk about it a lot (really important), and try different coping strategies find some that work well for you.
Author sweetwhispers Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 We have an odd weekly visitation so I do have them every Sat. Today has been just emotional for me...not really bad but not awesome. Just trying to keep busy. I have sincerely appreciated everyone's comments. I realize I am not alone in my feelings.
Author sweetwhispers Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 Does the drop offs get any easier for the kids or me?
Majormisstep Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 You are not alone. It took me 1.5 years to ease up (not stop) the guilt, shame, crying, bargaining, spiralling, relief and a host of other emotions. Now there is a calm acceptance. Parting with the kids for the week was the hardest. But then you start a new normal. Off days are filled with 'you' activities and that is good.
Author sweetwhispers Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 Found out new court date today....a whole month away! I have been an emotional wreck this week. I feel like a failure and that I can't do anything right.
StBreton Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Does the drop offs get any easier for the kids or me? Get easier for me (mom) ...taken 1.5 years ... it has just recently gotten better For the kids...they did well after about 6 months...I try not to make a big deal out of them going and coming... I act almost as if the entire week of not seeing them was more like a day. We are week on week off schedule. Tried the 5 2 2 5 schedule and that was too hectic ... too much chaos. With the 7 on 7 off... the kids and I can get into our normal groove ...but it means I don't see them for 7 days. I can go see them at their games which is nice. It gets easier. I'm actually almost enjoying my weeks off now ... never thought that could happen. Don't force yourself to get to being ok with it...being ok will come when YOU have processed your feelings with the situation and accepted. What is your visitation schedule? 1
StBreton Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Found out new court date today....a whole month away! I have been an emotional wreck this week. I feel like a failure and that I can't do anything right. There are times I felt like I didn't have it all together. It's ok. Try to do as many things well as you can and give yourself lots of room for not being perfect with the rest. I still have failures here and there with it...takes time to juggle all those balls...I'm getting better. A day at a time SW:) 1
Author sweetwhispers Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 I have full custody with him getting them 2 days every week. I too try not to make a big deal about it. My two have lost trust in him because he picked up and left without telling us. I struggle with having to have everything perfect...not OCD but close lol. So it is a battle for me to have to let some things go...which makes me feel like I've failed. Of course, suffering rejection the way I have is what constantly makes me feel inadequate.
StBreton Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I have full custody with him getting them 2 days every week. I too try not to make a big deal about it. My two have lost trust in him because he picked up and left without telling us. I struggle with having to have everything perfect...not OCD but close lol. So it is a battle for me to have to let some things go...which makes me feel like I've failed. Of course, suffering rejection the way I have is what constantly makes me feel inadequate. Ya know SW...you're a standout mom just for being there for your kids and not completely shutting down after all you've been through ... give yourself a lot of credit. At least the kid's dad is making an attempt at a relationship ... hopefully the kids do not internalize that they did something wrong that made their dad leave ... my kids asked me about that when everything happened during the separation ... it hit my youngest the hardest ... so sad. Please tell you kids they did nothing wrong even if they haven't said anything to you about this. I know they have to build trust again with their dad but at least it sounds like you guys have a good open line of communication. Remember to say positive things about their dad even though he's not been his best ... I know that's hard but teaches kids not to have black and white thinking ... and to forgive. As for yourself...it's ok to let some things go...I sure did ... we had a pretty sparse christmas that first year ... i just couldn't get into the whole complete decorating etc...my heart was broken ... I let a lot of things just go on a lot of fronts ... my work suffered etc. Are you guys doing things with other families? 1
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