OK_computer Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I've been in NC for 2 years, but we're still facebook friends. I have no feelings, no expectations, and am sincerely happy for her. I wanted to send her something small like 'hey heard you got engaged, have a wonderful life bla bla.' Just as a way to make amends/closure, and frankly i dont even care if she doesn't reply. But just out of respect for the person as a human being. Me posting this doesn't mean i'm overthinking or analzying or any of that.. Anyone else ever do this?
Survivor12 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 You're basing it all on how YOU feel. If your goal is to be respectful then respect that she may not feel the same. This is a very memorable but stressful time for her. Why would you think that she would welcome dredging up old issues with you at this time? She's getting married. Do you really think that she is concerned about "making amends" with you? You've had two years to do that. Now, she's getting married, and that ship has sailed. She's obviously not letting your failed relationship or breakup hold her back from finding happiness, and she has proven that she can live without you in her life so what's the point? If you want to show your respect, let it go.
mike_89 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Personally I would, just a short message congratulating her, nothing more. Not to make amends or any of that but just to give the congratulations and to let her know that you are happy for her.
Author OK_computer Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 (edited) You're basing it all on how YOU feel. If your goal is to be respectful then respect that she may not feel the same. This is a very memorable but stressful time for her. Why would you think that she would welcome dredging up old issues with you at this time? She's getting married. Do you really think that she is concerned about "making amends" with you? You've had two years to do that. Now, she's getting married, and that ship has sailed. She's obviously not letting your failed relationship or breakup hold her back from finding happiness, and she has proven that she can live without you in her life so what's the point? If you want to show your respect, let it go. Ughh alright. a bit harsh? But I see where this is coming from. I guess I'll pass, no biggie. Edited October 31, 2015 by OK_computer
Bito Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I would say if your motivation is the respect for her as a person, just let her forget about you. Some things are better left unsaid. Contacting her is not for her benifit. She's about to get married. let her focus on her new life! No need to drudge up the past. If you guys talked periodically then that would be appropriate but if you have been 2 years nc than it feels kind of fake. Why is it important that she knows you are happy for her? You are not part of her life anymore. I have no doubt that you are genuinely happy for her and that's awesome. Let it be just that. 2
Author OK_computer Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 I would say if your motivation is the respect for her as a person, just let her forget about you. Some things are better left unsaid. Contacting her is not for her benifit. She's about to get married. let her focus on her new life! No need to drudge up the past. If you guys talked periodically then that would be appropriate but if you have been 2 years nc than it feels kind of fake. Why is it important that she knows you are happy for her? You are not part of her life anymore. I have no doubt that you are genuinely happy for her and that's awesome. Let it be just that. Yeah I understand. I haven't spoke to her in 2 years, but we see each other at the uni everyday, it IS kind of awkward. But none the less I don't have any feelings whatsoever so it's fine. Won't kill me to let this one pass, I thought it would be courteous. But letting her forget me might be better, no prob. Thanks! 1
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 You have not been NC for 2 years if you are still FB friends. There is no need for you to go out of you way to congratulate her about something that you probably shouldn't know in the 1st place. Say nothing. Unfriend her & move on 5
lana-banana Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I say go for it. She is probably over the moon at being engaged and nothing can bring her down. Besides, Facebook is the ideal platform for generic messages to people you don't really care about. Unless you think there's a chance it will upset you or bring back bad memories, there's no real harm in a simple "Congrats!" 1
Marc878 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Why bother? Obviously you aren't nc. Get over it. It's done.
pidgeon1010 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Move on. It's been 2 years and while you're at it, finally go NC and unfriend her on Facebook.
Author OK_computer Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 I get it guys! I've been her classmate for 5 years! I'm not trying to get back with her or even make amends per se, but just a short congrats etc bla bla. It's really not even worth wasting anymore brain cells over. I 'moved on' and i "got over it' a long time ago. We see each other everyday, don't talk. I understand it may sound intrusive and untoward, and I probably won't send her any message.
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Because you are classmates, say congratulations to her if you bump into her at school. But don't intentionally seek her out IRL or OL to speak to her about anything.
BC1980 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Why do you say you need to make amends and get closure? My worry would be that you think congratulating her on an engagement accomplishes these two things. 1
Author OK_computer Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 Why do you say you need to make amends and get closure? My worry would be that you think congratulating her on an engagement accomplishes these two things. Yeah I can see how that can be misinterpreted. Things ended really bad between us 2 years ago, but we remained FB friends. And the fight was sooo long ago. But I moved on from the fight and her a long time ago as well, and this 'congrats' is like tying up loose ends and ending things on good terms, instead of the last memory being that of the huge fight. Again none of this matters but we've still been classmates a loong time, it's not like it would come off as stalkerish or creepish IMO. We both are leaving this school for good next month. Again as DONNOVAIN said, better to say it if i see her rather than FBM her, that I certainly agree on now. I really didn't think it would a big deal just to shoot her a good luck FBM, but I see now it's probably untoward.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 No, why would you? Let her do her and you do you. And why do you need to "end things well." If she's getting engaged to a guy she loves, things are quite well for her. Having an ex interject just cause isn't exactly what she wants. 3
mightycpa Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I have no feelings, no expectations, and am sincerely happy for her.If this is true, and we can assume the same for her because she's getting married, then I don't see the harm. I think you can make amends too, if it ended on an angry or sour note. Something to the effect of Matilda, I heard you were getting married and I couldn't be happier for you. I know we didn't say our goodbyes in the best way, but I hope you'll accept these well wishes and the accompanying gift anyway. Best of everything to you and the groom. OKCand yes, if you're going to send congratulations, do it formally (ie, not FBM or email or whatever), with a gift for the couple. Hopefully, something they can both use, better if it is listed on their wedding registry. 2
BC1980 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Yeah I can see how that can be misinterpreted. Things ended really bad between us 2 years ago, but we remained FB friends. And the fight was sooo long ago. But I moved on from the fight and her a long time ago as well, and this 'congrats' is like tying up loose ends and ending things on good terms, instead of the last memory being that of the huge fight. Again none of this matters but we've still been classmates a loong time, it's not like it would come off as stalkerish or creepish IMO. We both are leaving this school for good next month. You had a fight and then remained "FB friends." What exactly is a "FB friend" in this instance? She is a person that you haven't spoken to in 2 years but have remained attached to online. When people remain connected to an ex online, the reason is usually to snoop or because they don't want to completely let go. It rarely has anything to do with wanting to maintain an actual friendship. You say you've moved on and want to tie up loose ends. What if she doesn't want to hear from you? What if that would upset her? I'll be honest; it might come off as stalkerish or creepy to her. If an ex I hadn't talked to in 2 years found out I was engaged and then sent me a message on FB, I would be annoyed and weirded out. I would wonder why they know anything about my life. Maybe she is fine with her last memory of you, whatever that memory may be. I think you need to defriend her on FB because it hasn't served you well. Sending someone a FB message after a huge fight, 2 years ago, is not the way to make amends if that is truly your intention. 1
Author OK_computer Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 You had a fight and then remained "FB friends." What exactly is a "FB friend" in this instance? She is a person that you haven't spoken to in 2 years but have remained attached to online. When people remain connected to an ex online, the reason is usually to snoop or because they don't want to completely let go. It rarely has anything to do with wanting to maintain an actual friendship. You say you've moved on and want to tie up loose ends. What if she doesn't want to hear from you? What if that would upset her? I'll be honest; it might come off as stalkerish or creepy to her. If an ex I hadn't talked to in 2 years found out I was engaged and then sent me a message on FB, I would be annoyed and weirded out. I would wonder why they know anything about my life. Maybe she is fine with her last memory of you, whatever that memory may be. I think you need to defriend her on FB because it hasn't served you well. Sending someone a FB message after a huge fight, 2 years ago, is not the way to make amends if that is truly your intention. Gotcha. Ill let this one pass. No worries. Good thing I posted this before I did something stupid! Whew! Dodged a bullet. I defriended her. No biggie. I just want to say I have ZERO feelings for this person..in case people think that I do..and Im not lying to myself either. Thanks BC Thanks Guys.
Zapbasket Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Gotcha. Ill let this one pass. No worries. Good thing I posted this before I did something stupid! Whew! Dodged a bullet. I defriended her. No biggie. I just want to say I have ZERO feelings for this person..in case people think that I do..and Im not lying to myself either. Thanks BC Thanks Guys. OKC, I'm curious: what enabled you finally to unfriend her after all this time? And why did you remain friends with her all this time, through NC in every other respect? PS I think it's the right thing, not to send her a congratulations. If you had been in light contact, then fine, but to break a two-year silence with a congratulations would make her feel uncomfortable. Be happy for her from afar. 1
Author OK_computer Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 OKC, I'm curious: what enabled you finally to unfriend her after all this time? And why did you remain friends with her all this time, through NC in every other respect? PS I think it's the right thing, not to send her a congratulations. If you had been in light contact, then fine, but to break a two-year silence with a congratulations would make her feel uncomfortable. Be happy for her from afar. Frankly TBH, I defriended her after the BU for a year, then she sent me a friend request and I accepted. (I just didn't know how to explain this to you guys) We never talked again. I'd catch her staring at me in class, the halls ,things like that but I was strict NC (minus FB i guess). I just had enough of her. Now I'm soo over her and the way she treated me, to the point I genuinely feel happy for her, it's been 2 years! I don't want any hard feelings, but again I understand what you guys are relaying to me. What's that saying? "Let sleeping dogs lie" ?
BC1980 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Gotcha. Ill let this one pass. No worries. Good thing I posted this before I did something stupid! Whew! Dodged a bullet. I defriended her. No biggie. I just want to say I have ZERO feelings for this person..in case people think that I do..and Im not lying to myself either. Thanks BC Thanks Guys. I think it's good to get outside perspective. At one point, I asked some advice about sending a birthday card to my ex's on, and everyone on LS said not to do it. At the time, I needed the outside opinion and was glad I listened to the advice.
contel3 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 TBH I don't see what everyone's problem is. It's facebook. I think I'd be happy about a short message. Either that or I wouldn't care. Everyone knows congratulations on facebook mean nothing...there's tons of people you don't even remember the names of congratulating you.
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