JustAnotherLostLove Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Greetings all, I'd really like some advice, mainly from female dumpees, but all are welcome to comment. So with that in mind, I'll try to be considerate, and keep it short. My ex & I were together for just over 3 years. The first two were great, but the last year began to get a little exhausting. We met at work, she was 20, and I was 30. At the time, she was engaged and her fiance was off shopping for houses in another state. Long story short, she wasn't happy, and we immediately hit it off. In her defense, she wouldn't be physically intimate, until she let him go. Before we got serious, I told her I was in pursuit of a very difficult career, and she lead me to believe she understood what and how I was about to apply myself, in regards to that. As time passed, I finally got my foot in the door, and began hitting it hard, and successfully. Over the course of the next couple years, we got serious. We began talking of marriage, kids and everything else associated with that. We even picked out names. I got along GREAT with her family, and loved them, as well as her very much. Towards the last year of our relationship, she began hanging with her co-workers a lot, she wanted me to join, but I declined on a regular basis. They gave me a weird vibe, and even more so once she started saying to me how they wanted her to break up with me. After that, it all went down hill. Fast forward to the last month of our relationship. She stops wanting to do little intimate things with me. No more showers together, too tired to make love, anxious when we hang out, cries when we hug (doesn't tell me why) and doesn't invite ANY of my friends to her birthday party. On our last vacation together, she behaves very distant and anxiously. I stop her and say... "Tell me what's really going on." In short, she basically says that she might want to break up. I respond by saying... "I just want you to be happy, but keep in mind, all relationships are bound to get difficult, and will require work, just like ours." Two days later, she ignores my calls. I tell her that we need to talk, so I go up to her house with flowers and a card, but she's too busy being at the bar with her friends. I get a response a couple days later, we meet up, and she proceeds to tell me ALL the things that bothered her from day one, that she never disclosed to me before, and she even called herself a coward for not being open about it. She says she fell out of love, breaks up with me, leaves, and it's been a month and a half since I've seen her. We talked through text a couple times, but only because I texted first. I haven't begged, or anything like that, but I did say that I hope to find her again one day. The day after we split, a female friend of mine says that she sent her a message. And it basically said, that even tho she fell out of love, she still "loves" me, but wants to be an independent woman for a while, and hopes we cross paths in the future and fall in love all over again. I love this girl, even tho we didn't have a ton in common, except broken homes, and plans for the future. I do feel like we had MASSIVE potential to build an incredible life together, but things got stagnant, and I took her/us for granted. Thus, I allowed the romance to die. However, I love every inch, and every quark about her. I'm proud of her, every day, and I feel like we owe it to each other, to try just one more time. Will she come back? Should I wait, or move on? I'm in a fog, and I need some perspective. Please, ladies, I need some advice. Thank you.
K2z Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I'm a male, and your story is not far from mine. I am dying to see what other responders say. It sounds like you might have bored her. Possibly handed her too much power/decision in the relationship. From everything I read, women resent that.
Author JustAnotherLostLove Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 I think my post was too long, people don't wanna read all that boohoo ****. I tried to edit it, but the site won't let me now. Bummer.
Tayla Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I read it. It was detailed. She definitely needs to grow into her age and responsibilities . Will she wonder back... highly doubtful. She is exploring and hadn't found her footing in life. I'm sure you were genuine. And strangely she was genuine too for her age group. Let that relationship go... because this gal ... when ir if she comes back later... will not be the one you fell for... ppl ultimately change when they mature... she needs to do that before tackling a man of ambition.
Draper Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Not a female but will give you my perspective anyways because I like to think I've learned a bit about hoping for people: Well, the best answer we can give you is that she might come back and she might not. You must consider the possibility that when she said she hopes you cross paths in the future, she may have just been trying justify her actions to herself to make herself feel better. Nonetheless, none of us can tell with any degree of certainty if she will come back or not. That's something that only she and time will tell, but in the meantime it's crucial that you don't 'wait'. Your only option is to move on and operate under the assumption that she will never come back, because if you get stuck hoping she does you will never move on. And, obviously, since there is absolutely no way to tell if she ever will show up, that is not a good option. The funny thing is, when people do come back, they tend to do it when the other person has seemingly let go and bettered themselves. And when I say better yourself, I don't mean change because you seem like a great dude, I just mean that this ordeal will force you to learn things about yourself and relationships and all that, overall if and when you do move on, you will undoubtedly be better and stronger. I'm sorry friend, I joined this website with a glimmer of hope that everyone would tell me it would be okay and the girl I loved would be back in no time, but sadly that just isn't the way the world works and ultimately we owe it to ourselves to move on rather than get stuck in some silly stagnation of hoping and praying that someone else decides we're good enough again. I know I'm not the lady advice you were looking for but I do hope I may help you in someway. 7
NoMoreJerks Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 As a woman who was unhappy with her bf's lack of effort (he is now my ex) -- I , contrary to your gf, got really frustrated and expressed my frustrations through anger and fights -- I can say that your lack of effort may have played a role. She may have felt that the relationship was becoming too one-sided, that you were kinda snubbing the people who seemed interesting to her, and it feels like an insult to her intelligence/level of sophistication as well, that you refuse to hang out with her social circle because you find them weird. What does that say about your GF? That she hangs out with weirdos? Think about it for a moment. My ex refused to also see my friends, meet my family, etc. But he wanted me to spend all our time together, in the presence of his friends (who were female, on top of that). It felt very lopsided and unfair. Like I always had to sacrifice my own interests and circle of friends, if I wanted to see him. I ended up doing just that. Maybe your gf is more independent (and definitely less co-dependent) than me, so she refused to do that, and went off and did her thing, eventually leading you guys to grow apart.. But lack of effort one the part of one partner, while the other has to constantly chase after them, try to satisfy his schedule, what HE finds interesting, the people HE finds interesting, etc., is a killer.
Author JustAnotherLostLove Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 (edited) As a woman who was unhappy with her bf's lack of effort (he is now my ex) -- I , contrary to your gf, got really frustrated and expressed my frustrations through anger and fights -- I can say that your lack of effort may have played a role. She may have felt that the relationship was becoming too one-sided, that you were kinda snubbing the people who seemed interesting to her, and it feels like an insult to her intelligence/level of sophistication as well, that you refuse to hang out with her social circle because you find them weird. What does that say about your GF? That she hangs out with weirdos? Think about it for a moment. My ex refused to also see my friends, meet my family, etc. But he wanted me to spend all our time together, in the presence of his friends (who were female, on top of that). It felt very lopsided and unfair. Like I always had to sacrifice my own interests and circle of friends, if I wanted to see him. I ended up doing just that. Maybe your gf is more independent (and definitely less co-dependent) than me, so she refused to do that, and went off and did her thing, eventually leading you guys to grow apart.. But lack of effort one the part of one partner, while the other has to constantly chase after them, try to satisfy his schedule, what HE finds interesting, the people HE finds interesting, etc., is a killer. I see what you're saying, and oddly enough, you sound a lot like her, talking to me. When I said "weird", I didn't mean it in the traditional sense, I meant they came off as clicky, and disingenuous. I've been double crossed by people I considered "friends", so I'm careful with regards to who I share my time with. These people were her co-workers, not people she's known beyond a year or two. I was on fine terms with her long term friends. But either way, you do have a point. And you're right, my effort began to subside over time. That's not to say it was non-existent, we had a great 3 year anniversary get-a-way just a month and a half prior to our split. It was incredible actually. We damn near burnt down our cabin, literally. Then 15 minutes later, we were making love. So the spark was there still. Just can't believe, that 45 days later, she was breaking up with me, and tossing away our entire future without a fight. Edited October 31, 2015 by JustAnotherLostLove
Author JustAnotherLostLove Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 And another thing... We're still Facebook friends. Suppose I haven't deleted her yet, cause that's all I have left. I'm having trouble letting her go, even tho I leave her alone. Will there ever be a time when I'm okay with pulling the trigger on that, or am I just going to have to take the leap and do it?
mightycpa Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I'm a guy, but I'll tell you what, you don't need to be a girl to see this one. I made up my mind right here: she was 20, and I was 30Will she come back? Maybe. For good? No way. Why? Because you're from Planet 1985 and she's from Planet 1995. She's a sapling and you're a tree. And while you undoubtedly dazzled her for a while with your money and relative sophistication, with you, she can't experience her 20's the same way you did.... with your peers. The pull is too strong. It would have been highly unusual to have worked out. This mismatch might have worked a couple hundred years ago in the USA, but today, there's far too much opportunity and temptation. Do yourself a favor, friend. Move on.
Author JustAnotherLostLove Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 I'm a guy, but I'll tell you what, you don't need to be a girl to see this one. I made up my mind right here: Will she come back? Maybe. For good? No way. Why? Because you're from Planet 1985 and she's from Planet 1995. She's a sapling and you're a tree. And while you undoubtedly dazzled her for a while with your money and relative sophistication, with you, she can't experience her 20's the same way you did.... with your peers. The pull is too strong. It would have been highly unusual to have worked out. This mismatch might have worked a couple hundred years ago in the USA, but today, there's far too much opportunity and temptation. Do yourself a favor, friend. Move on. Yeah, you're right. I'll do my best to erase the future we were suppose to have together, her, her family and everything else. I understand what you're saying, and the truth is, I knew it from the beginning. But I said **** it, life is short, and who knows what'll happen. But ya know... All she talked about was marriage, our life, the family we'd have together, how I could consider her family my own and everything else. I don't have my own family, they were just about everything to me, and I have to let ALL that go. And it's hard. Being here, alone, no one to talk to, except people on the internet. It's really difficult, honestly. At this point, I just want SOME of this pain to subside. 1
thespacey1 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Yeah, you're right. I'll do my best to erase the future we were suppose to have together, her, her family and everything else. I understand what you're saying, and the truth is, I knew it from the beginning. But I said **** it, life is short, and who knows what'll happen. But ya know... All she talked about was marriage, our life, the family we'd have together, how I could consider her family my own and everything else. I don't have my own family, they were just about everything to me, and I have to let ALL that go. And it's hard. Being here, alone, no one to talk to, except people on the internet. It's really difficult, honestly. At this point, I just want SOME of this pain to subside. I empathize with you. I was the dumper and trust me, we feel pain too. Although my guy was a few years older than me also, I think emotionally he was immature in the sense that he angered easily, was controlling and overall just controlling and angry when I didn't do what he thought I should do. I say all that to say that I felt sad even though I initiated or breakup which essentially broke our engagement, but I was pretty heart broken. You will get over your pain as long as you don't rush yourself into getting over the pain based on the time frame of other people. This is still fresh, don't set yourself up... It's a setup when people say, "get back out there.. Move on.... Forget her" as if it's that easy with the snap of a finger. You need to feel the pain and know that there may be a real reason that this breakup occurred. Deal with that reality first! Then feel the pain.... THEN gradually move on. I'm sure there are details of your relationship that we'll never know, but from what you've stated she seems immature. If she can't even tell you what's bothering her. You may have your faults as well. Compare and contrast, then go from there. Your gut will tell you how to proceed. Listen to it.
positivityonly Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Hey man, I just wanted to share hat I know how it feels, I was in a LTR over 2 years, started out amazing, second half got so rocky and I did everything financially, emotionally, eat. My ex would pick me apart, be rude as can be, then we'd be all over eachother and so on. I was 22 she was 17 when we met.. Now I'm 25, she's 20. She ended things pretty much OUT OF THE BLUE 7 weeks ago exactly, I couldn't eat, sleep, go a second without thinking about EVERYTHING. First whole month was nonstop, I was working out to get her back, imagining running into her and her running into my arms, even thinking to cross paths intentionally almost. Then by week 6 I was waking up. Why be all crazy over a 20 year old girl I have the whole world to, she has anxiety, is on meds took me for granted and I was by her side every second for over 2 years. Funny how now at week 7 she could text me and I can truly say I would politely decline ever being involved, MAYBE a coffee to hear her out for my own satisfaction. But man, cutting me off cold turkey after all that, and implanting NC the same day thinking she'd for sure say hey or check up on me, BUT DIDNT. Made me realize she didn't care and wasn't coming back. I thought WE WERE DIFFERNET, ever couple thinks so, not the case. You're going to see the light slowly, slowly, slowly. Somehow it happens, stay NC and heal brother. -One Love- 1
Author JustAnotherLostLove Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 Hey man, I just wanted to share hat I know how it feels, I was in a LTR over 2 years, started out amazing, second half got so rocky and I did everything financially, emotionally, eat. My ex would pick me apart, be rude as can be, then we'd be all over eachother and so on. I was 22 she was 17 when we met.. Now I'm 25, she's 20. She ended things pretty much OUT OF THE BLUE 7 weeks ago exactly, I couldn't eat, sleep, go a second without thinking about EVERYTHING. First whole month was nonstop, I was working out to get her back, imagining running into her and her running into my arms, even thinking to cross paths intentionally almost. Then by week 6 I was waking up. Why be all crazy over a 20 year old girl I have the whole world to, she has anxiety, is on meds took me for granted and I was by her side every second for over 2 years. Funny how now at week 7 she could text me and I can truly say I would politely decline ever being involved, MAYBE a coffee to hear her out for my own satisfaction. But man, cutting me off cold turkey after all that, and implanting NC the same day thinking she'd for sure say hey or check up on me, BUT DIDNT. Made me realize she didn't care and wasn't coming back. I thought WE WERE DIFFERNET, ever couple thinks so, not the case. You're going to see the light slowly, slowly, slowly. Somehow it happens, stay NC and heal brother. -One Love- Thanks man, I appreciate that.
greenleaves54 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Hi OP. I too made the mistake of dating a 20 year old (I'm 25), thinking our relationship was of course something unique. In the end she told me the same things you heard, she wanted to live as an independent woman and hoped we would find each other again one day if it was meant to be. This behaviour is programmed in their genes. Realize that the break-up had NOTHING to do with you. Do they come back? Rarely I'd say. It doesn't really matter though. Live your life as she's gone forever. DEFINITELY remove her from facebook. Cut all ties. You don't want some picture of her and her co-worker showing up. And it will show her you intend to move on completely and not stick around. When you're through this you will be a much wiser and stronger man. In a way, I'm thankful I went through my break-up. The next time life throws an emotional crisis at me I'll be much much more prepared to deal with it. Good luck mate! All shall be well. 1
Author JustAnotherLostLove Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 Hi OP. I too made the mistake of dating a 20 year old (I'm 25), thinking our relationship was of course something unique. In the end she told me the same things you heard, she wanted to live as an independent woman and hoped we would find each other again one day if it was meant to be. This behaviour is programmed in their genes. Realize that the break-up had NOTHING to do with you. Do they come back? Rarely I'd say. It doesn't really matter though. Live your life as she's gone forever. DEFINITELY remove her from facebook. Cut all ties. You don't want some picture of her and her co-worker showing up. And it will show her you intend to move on completely and not stick around. When you're through this you will be a much wiser and stronger man. In a way, I'm thankful I went through my break-up. The next time life throws an emotional crisis at me I'll be much much more prepared to deal with it. Good luck mate! All shall be well. Yeah, problem is, I'll be tempted to look at her every now and again, even if deleted. I've thought about asker her to block me, but I don't want it to seem like I'm "sending a message". Another question, do any of you recall how this affected you after the fact? I've been forgetting a lot of BIG things, falling a sleep with my clothes on, etc. Maybe it's just depression. But I can't tell if I'm losing it, or if it's normal to feel this way.
Wewon Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 For the sake of your sanity, assume that all break ups are final.
Author JustAnotherLostLove Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 (edited) For the sake of your sanity, assume that all break ups are final. I'm working that way, I really am. It's just a matter of getting my heart to accept it. Edited October 31, 2015 by JustAnotherLostLove 1
Draper Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I'm working that way, I really am. It's just a matter of getting my heart to accept it. Eventually your brain will overpower your heart, it's just a matter of being strong until that day. Good luck, it's not easy but you will get there.
Liono84 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Of course, they may come back, but looking at it objectively, you have to always assume they won't. Carrying false hope for a reconciliation is like a cancer to the healing process. I think for me, in the beginning, I couldn't accept that fact, because it was just too much to take, so I carried out that false hope. I don't think that's a bad thing, because sometimes we make strides month by month. After the 2nd month, it became clear to me, that holding on to that hope was a serious detriment to my healing, and furthermore, with the passing of time, I accepted the fact that it was over, for good. Cut out all forms of communication, (Phone/Pics/FB/Instagram). You have to otherwise, you will take many steps back if you don't. Go with the goal in mind that you will find someone BETTER than her in each and every way and create you own luck by socializing with other girls and putting yourself out in the social scene.
K2z Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 It's so hard to embrace that mentality of finding someone better, because my woman was awesome and I feel it was me that sucked. That's the hard part for me.
oldshirt Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I'm 51. I got dumped by a couple different gals that age back in the day that had similar stories to yours. Both were getting distant and were like two different people compared to who I had started dating. Both had sworn their undying love to me within a week or two before dropping the ax. Both pretty much blindsided me when it happened (although I should've seen it coming. My mistake was believing them when they said they loved me and wouldn't leave) It's now been 32 for one and almost 30 years for the other and I haven't seen hide nor hair of them since that time. That's a little bit of an exaggeration. I do have both on my friends list on Facebook but there has been virtually no discussion of ever getting back together with either of them in over 30 years and like someone else said, in a number of weeks, you won't want to her back any way. Whenever someone says, "i break with thee, I break with thee...." assume it is forever and start moving forward with your on life from that moment on. Move on. Start doing your own thing. Start dating other women (in your case, start dating age-appropriate, adult women) Once you are dating other women and hitting it off with them, you won't want her back interfering and complicating your current life and schedule.
HurtinPDX Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I'm a female, and I recall that when I was around 20 I dated a man in his thirties and something similar happened. I felt terrible about it later. I just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. At that age you can feel you want forever, but you are still growing a lot emotionally and personally. Especially nowadays many young adults aren't sure what career they want, what future...all sorts of things. I would guess she is telling the truth: that she cares about you and part of her hopes she will grow in your direction. But the chance of that happening? Very, very slim. The danger is you staying emotionally invested in the idea. What is going to happen is she will go off and grow, and learn. And some guy is going to walk in her path...and you will be the last thing on her mind. If you can, work towards forgiving her...she is young and clearly has some learning to do on communication. She doesn't sound like a bad person. The pain you are feeling is completely normal. You loved her. That's a good, beautiful thing.
Author JustAnotherLostLove Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 I'm a female, and I recall that when I was around 20 I dated a man in his thirties and something similar happened. I felt terrible about it later. I just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. At that age you can feel you want forever, but you are still growing a lot emotionally and personally. Especially nowadays many young adults aren't sure what career they want, what future...all sorts of things. I would guess she is telling the truth: that she cares about you and part of her hopes she will grow in your direction. But the chance of that happening? Very, very slim. The danger is you staying emotionally invested in the idea. What is going to happen is she will go off and grow, and learn. And some guy is going to walk in her path...and you will be the last thing on her mind. If you can, work towards forgiving her...she is young and clearly has some learning to do on communication. She doesn't sound like a bad person. The pain you are feeling is completely normal. You loved her. That's a good, beautiful thing. No, she's a great person. I guess I'm just scared. Cause not only do I miss her, and love her tremendously (which is why I leave her alone). But I'm 34 now, and I expected to have a family with her. And because of my age, the fact that I go YEARS between relationships, and my illness that would push almost everyone away, I see a very good chance of me being alone from here on out. I am in such a dark place right now, that it honestly scares me, and I hesitate to share more beyond that. I got friends, good ones at that, but she was the only real family I had. She really convinced me that she'd never leave, it was emphasized all the time, and I eventually believed her. And in a matter of a week, literally, she completely disappeared. After the 4th week of her being gone, it seemed to get easier for a couple days. But after that, it all came back, and it's getting worse. I loved her so much, but I was scared to give her everything in me, and that was a big thing that lead to our demise. Anyways, sorry for the rant.
louxor Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 The day after we split, a female friend of mine says that she sent her a message. And it basically said, that even tho she fell out of love, she still "loves" me, but wants to be an independent woman for a while, and hopes we cross paths in the future and fall in love all over again. Being a 22 year old male, I've seen this situation so many times in the past years with my friends relationships, along with my own most recent one. I guess women of this age are just wired like this, they want to explore life at this age and do new things while they can, before their body clocks start ticking and they need to settle down. My ex basically gave the same reasons for our breakup, and I've been helping one of my best friends through the same thing with her boyfriend - She loves him but at the same time she wants the freedom of being single. Same goes for a few other friends and their ex bf's/gf's. In the end, the only thing we can do is respect their decision and let them go out and enjoy their new found freedom, and we go and do the same. Don't wait around for her to come back, let her do her thing and you do yours. Waiting will only stop you from finding that next awesome person who is dying to meet you!
HurtinPDX Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 No, she's a great person. I guess I'm just scared. Cause not only do I miss her, and love her tremendously (which is why I leave her alone). But I'm 34 now, and I expected to have a family with her. And because of my age, the fact that I go YEARS between relationships, and my illness that would push almost everyone away, I see a very good chance of me being alone from here on out. I am in such a dark place right now, that it honestly scares me, and I hesitate to share more beyond that. I got friends, good ones at that, but she was the only real family I had. She really convinced me that she'd never leave, it was emphasized all the time, and I eventually believed her. And in a matter of a week, literally, she completely disappeared. After the 4th week of her being gone, it seemed to get easier for a couple days. But after that, it all came back, and it's getting worse. I loved her so much, but I was scared to give her everything in me, and that was a big thing that lead to our demise. Anyways, sorry for the rant. That makes perfect sense. I can relate. I am in my 40s now, and my dream of having a forever marriage feels further than ever. The older we get and the more life puts barriers in our way, the more disheartening, the more frightening and painful these breakups are. I also have life issues where I feel finding a match will be hard. I also don't have a family for support. So my ex felt like my family too. As someone in my 40s I want to say that at 34 you will not be alone forever. No matter what is going on with you. I have a dear friend with MS who just got married. He's in his 50s. Another friend married in her 60s. We really need to keep the hope that it is never too late to find love. This relationship may have prepared you for your forever person. Please hold tight to hope.
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