tryingtofigureitout1 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Ok so there is this woman. She is smart, beautiful, funny, and extremely educated. We meet exchange numbers and she ends up leaving the next week to the east coast for four months. This doesn’t bother me because I am also going out of the country to study for the semester. We talk nearly every day and laugh and joke. There is a definite attraction there. Upon arriving stateside we end up meeting up. I was going to school in the southern part of the state however we made plans to see each other as much as possible. This didn’t bother her because she had a huge certification exam coming up that she needed to study for. Summer rolls around and everything is great, the sex is amazing, we enjoy each other’s corks and she is really into me. We exchange new firsts all of the time. She starts working at a non-profit during the summer and she is finally ready to site in where she wants to live and start her career. She knows I am leaving for the east coast for about half a year. About a week before I leave I start to receive numerous texts that seems as if she is being evasive and sending texts like I am just really confused right now and I cannot talk to you about it because it is about you. When I drive up to see her about a week later she sends me the dreaded words, “We have to talk”. She breaks down in terms and says that she has been waiting a year for me to take the next step. I know I hurt her, we would go out and people would ask how long we have been married/dating and I would quickly correct them. This was not meant but was instinctive. I told her I did not want kids while I was in the military and she wants a family now. She also told her a very detailed story about her personal life and was so infuriated and felt so hopeless and so pissed that I couldn’t help her. My blood boiled and I had to turn on the TV to collect myself. I tell her I would never want her to sacrifice her career for me. I couldn’t live with that. There were clear signs I missed such as when we were in LA and were just talking in the car because we didn’t want to wake her friends. She looked at me and told me she had not believed in love in a really long time and that she had been single for four years waiting for a chance. I just kiss her and bring her in tight. I never told her I loved her. When she stopped by my house and essentially gave me the break up spiel she is in tears. I drive cross-country for work and I see via social media that she has been sent flowers, lovely red roses with baby’s breath. I end up finding out from her friend that she is seeing someone and end calling her about a week later and pour my heart out to her. Needless to say it did not work. I know this was the worst thing I could have done but I felt for my own psyche that I had to do it. I tell her I want kids, and what my vision of that is. I tell her I know she is breaking it off and I at this point I am just trying to keep her on the phone. I sound desperate as hell and am in tears. I texted her once and end up sending her favorite super hero’s coffee mug. And state that I am not trying to make her feeling uncomfortable and that I don’t want to lose a friend (Shouldn’t have said that either, I know). I end up finding out that not only does this guy have the same name as me, (same spelling too) but also he is also in the military and he has already introduced her to his parents and they have all friended each other on Facebook. After much reflection she broke down the wall that I had been constructing for years. Both of us were in love with each other and both of us fearing rejection never said it to each. We both admitted to feeling it during my emotional pour out session but once again it didn’t help I was doing this from 3000 miles away and on a cell phone. I realize now that I do in fact want children and I want to be married. More importantly I want this woman. She has her flaws yes, but then again we all do. The flaws do not bother me. I actually enjoy them. I would be lying if I said that I was thrilled that she is seeing someone else, but then again I did not give her the affection that she needed. I am more mad at myself because I not only felt this way but never told her. I know there were moments like the intimate story and in LA that were opportunities I never took and that are what I am most mad at. I know this now. I wanted to give the affection that she deserves, I was just fearful of being rejected from her. -When I was in my desperation feelings pour-out session, she said she doesn’t ever think she could be as invested as she was before. -She has great character and asked to respect the fact she is seeing someone and that she didn’t disrespect me so she won’t disrespect him and if I expect anything more than a friend she can’t and honestly won’t give me that
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