sarah12 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 ..without allowing them to think that it's an excuse, because it really isn't. On occasion I'll meet a guy after a recent break up who is really great, but I am not a serial monogamist because I believe you need time to grieve after breakups and I don't want a rebound. However, when I tell them it's b/c I'm not ready, they obviously don't believe me and think that it's an excuse. So, do I divulge into the details of the recent men who have caused me to put up a wall so at least there's a chance they might believe me? Or just tell him I'm not ready and leave it at that?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Just say: "I know this is going to sound like an excuse, but it isn't. My last relationship was really bad, and my mind/heart is still wrapped up in (guy's name). There is no way I can date someone right now, when my thoughts are still with (guy's name) and my relationship with him. I'm sorry, but I just can't date anyone right now until I have some time to get over what I lost with (guy's name)." For some reason, putting the guy's name in there will let him know that it is personal and that your heart is still with him/getting over him, and not just an excuse to get out of dating.
browneyes22 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 sara12...I wouldn't bother with the details. Just mention that you are just coming off of a previous relationship and that you need more time to get over the break-up. Forget names and stuff like this 'cause the guy interested in you won't care about the ex, just you. If a guy takes this the wrong way and gets angry towards you with this then he's not the one for you anyway.
faux Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Instead of telling guys that you are not yet ready, and that you just got out of a relationship, why not try saying that you are simply not interested? Essentially, if you are not actually ready to pursue another relationship, you are actually not interested. It may be that a black and white response, such as "not interested" might actually be taken better than what can be perceived to be an excuse.
scratch Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by faux Instead of telling guys that you are not yet ready, and that you just got out of a relationship, why not try saying that you are simply not interested? Essentially, if you are not actually ready to pursue another relationship, you are actually not interested. It may be that a black and white response, such as "not interested" might actually be taken better than what can be perceived to be an excuse. This is a great suggestion. If a guy has smart friends who care about him, when he tells them a girl told him she wasn't ready, they'll tell him she was just being nice and simply isn't interested. Thus, by just saying that you're not interested, you give him a clearer message and, at the same time, earn his respect as a straightforward person.
overseas2004 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 I guess I am at a loss as to why you would really care what they think if you dont want to date them
Author sarah12 Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 Thus, by just saying that you're not interested, you give him a clearer message and, at the same time, earn his respect as a straightforward person. When I am really not interested in a guy, I do say so. But if I am interested but I know it's not the right time, then I will be honest and say so, even though I know the guy will interpret it as you have above. I know that a lot of women and men use that line as an excuse but I only say it when I really mean it. I wouldn't have spent some time getting to know this guy if I was completely uninterested. I guess I am at a loss as to why you would really care what they think if you dont want to date them I care because I do want to date them, but just not right now.
scratch Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 But if I am interested but I know it's not the right time, then I will be honest and say so, even though I know the guy will interpret it as you have above. I know that a lot of women and men use that line as an excuse but I only say it when I really mean it. I care because I do want to date them, but just not right now. First of all, it doesn't matter how you mean it. Because it is used sincerely <1% of the time, it's highly unlikely to be believed even if it is true. Second, it sucks that you want to try to convince a guy to sit around and pine for you until you decide you feel like dating him. I hope someone tells you they love you but just have to break things off with their girlfriend, and have that go on for years. Go read some of the posts on the "other woman" forum.
Author sarah12 Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 First of all, it doesn't matter how you mean it. Because it is used sincerely <1% of the time, it's highly unlikely to be believed even if it is true. I am aware of this, hence why I started this thread in the first place. Second, it sucks that you want to try to convince a guy to sit around and pine for you until you decide you feel like dating him. I hope someone tells you they love you but just have to break things off with their girlfriend, and have that go on for years. Go read some of the posts on the "other woman" forum. I guess I should have mentioned that I don't expect him to 'wait for me,' but wanted to politely convey the fact that "it's not you, it's me" and that the timing isn't right, without it coming off as an excuse.
scratch Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 I guess I should have mentioned that I don't expect him to 'wait for me,' but wanted to politely convey the fact that "it's not you, it's me" and that the timing isn't right, without it coming off as an excuse. I understand this. You want to do this because, in your own words, you may want to date them at some point. I suggest you not bother, just like I'd advise women who sit around and wait for men to leave their wives.
Author sarah12 Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by scratch I understand this. You want to do this because, in your own words, you may want to date them at some point. I suggest you not bother, just like I'd advise women who sit around and wait for men to leave their wives. Right. So I told the guy that I wasn't going to be selfish and ask that of him, and he responded by saying I've made him like me even more because I know what it takes to have a good relationship..
browneyes22 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 Right. So I told the guy that I wasn't going to be selfish and ask that of him, and he responded by saying I've made him like me even more because I know what it takes to have a good relationship.. So wait until your ready to date. When this happens and your still interested in him and he's still interested in you then go from there.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 I would tell them that I'm not available and that's because I want to make sure I'm over my ex before getting into another relationship. I would tell them I'd be interested if I was truly available in my heart, hoping they will take it as a compliment. If they really like you, then they might think they are worthy of someone else like you.
mental_traveller Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Say you've just come out of a long relationship and aren't looking to date right now, but would like to get in touch when you're ready. Then ask for his number, and call him when you want to date the guy.
Recommended Posts