Whether to move forward with the relationship or not

[Apple89]

Hi All,

 

I could do with a little advice regarding my current relationship if you wouldn't mind!

 

So a long story short I've been dating/in a relationship with this girl I met online for the best part of a year. We still live separately etc so have no real tie's in that regard and are both in our late 20's.

 

Anyway I guess I need some advice on whether I should walk away or not, I've been mulling it over for a while now and feel I should be fair on her and make a decision. So here it is I love her and she loves me which in an ideal world would be great however I feel that there are some fundamental issues for me with the relationship.

 

1. I think I prefer a relationship where more time is spent together as a couple rather than apart or surrounded by people. As an example I haven't seen her in almost a week due to her commitments which are fair enough. However if it was me I'd be keen to see her after a week apart. In this instance though she has invited a friend to stay at her place meaning that's not an option. This friend was originally only supposed to be staying tomorrow night but it now means the first night she did have free is spent with her rather than me. I can deal with this occasionally but although its not always the same circumstances it seems an on going theme.

 

2. I feel like her career is an issue. It's soon going to involve a lot of travelling adding to the above. However the biggest issue for me is that almost all of her friends are in this profession and this is literally the tone of the conversation all night. Great for them yes but a major frustration for me who often feels left out. She even says it bores her too having work talk at almost all social gatherings all the time but doesn't seem to acknowledge how difficult this makes these gatherings for me.

 

3. Sometimes the whole relationship just doesn't feel "right", I really don't know how to put it any different to that.

 

I think the hardest thing is, is that sometimes when we're together things area great. We have amazing times where I can't help but feel so strongly in love with her. On the other hand I am well aware that a lot of the time I question whether I'm with her as I simply don't want to go back into the world of dating. I do feel super pressured as she's now at the age where having children in the next few years is important to her. I feel that with this consideration in mind I really can't sit here and see how I feel in another few months as this is unfair. I just don't know what to do, when it's good its really good and I don't question anything. The rest of the time I always love her but I just don't know if it's right. I don't want to make a decision I later come to regret and could really do with some wise words.

 

Thank

 

Apple89

[Redhead14]

Hi All,

 

I could do with a little advice regarding my current relationship if you wouldn't mind!

 

So a long story short I've been dating/in a relationship with this girl I met online for the best part of a year. We still live separately etc so have no real tie's in that regard and are both in our late 20's.

 

Anyway I guess I need some advice on whether I should walk away or not, I've been mulling it over for a while now and feel I should be fair on her and make a decision. So here it is I love her and she loves me which in an ideal world would be great however I feel that there are some fundamental issues for me with the relationship.

 

1. I think I prefer a relationship where more time is spent together as a couple rather than apart or surrounded by people. As an example I haven't seen her in almost a week due to her commitments which are fair enough. However if it was me I'd be keen to see her after a week apart. In this instance though she has invited a friend to stay at her place meaning that's not an option. This friend was originally only supposed to be staying tomorrow night but it now means the first night she did have free is spent with her rather than me. I can deal with this occasionally but although its not always the same circumstances it seems an on going theme.

 

2. I feel like her career is an issue. It's soon going to involve a lot of travelling adding to the above. However the biggest issue for me is that almost all of her friends are in this profession and this is literally the tone of the conversation all night. Great for them yes but a major frustration for me who often feels left out. She even says it bores her too having work talk at almost all social gatherings all the time but doesn't seem to acknowledge how difficult this makes these gatherings for me.

 

3. Sometimes the whole relationship just doesn't feel "right", I really don't know how to put it any different to that.

 

I think the hardest thing is, is that sometimes when we're together things area great. We have amazing times where I can't help but feel so strongly in love with her. On the other hand I am well aware that a lot of the time I question whether I'm with her as I simply don't want to go back into the world of dating. I do feel super pressured as she's now at the age where having children in the next few years is important to her. I feel that with this consideration in mind I really can't sit here and see how I feel in another few months as this is unfair. I just don't know what to do, when it's good its really good and I don't question anything. The rest of the time I always love her but I just don't know if it's right. I don't want to make a decision I later come to regret and could really do with some wise words.

 

Thank

 

Apple89

 

How long have you been seeing her? And, have you ever had a discussion about what you each want for yourselves out of your dating journeys?

[Apple89]

How long have you been seeing her? And, have you ever had a discussion about what you each want for yourselves out of your dating journeys?

 

Thanks for the reply, we have been in a relationship for 10 months. She has been very clear in the fact that she wants a long term relationship with kids in the next 2-3 years.

 

Thanks

 

Apple89

[meeji]

You should sit her down and tell her what you just told us. She might know that the lack of time spent together is affecting your relationship so negatively. She also might now know how it bothers you when her work friends exclude you from the conversation when they chat about work.

 

It sounds like the relationship is good but that you guys need to communicate more about what you want and work out some compromises. It doesn't sound like you should end the relationship.

 

I also feel like it is typical to question if you should stay with someone when you've been with them for a long time. Things get stale but its up to you two to bring it back.

 

I'm not hearing that your flame has burnt out for her.

 

Talk to her.

[GemmaUK]

Thanks for the reply, we have been in a relationship for 10 months. She has been very clear in the fact that she wants a long term relationship with kids in the next 2-3 years.

 

Thanks

 

Apple89

 

Have you had a discussion about what you specifically want from a relationship?

[Redhead14]

Thanks for the reply, we have been in a relationship for 10 months. She has been very clear in the fact that she wants a long term relationship with kids in the next 2-3 years.

 

Thanks

 

Apple89

 

Well, you do need to tell her what you want and expect for yourself in a relationship and find out if she is willing to accommodate your needs. If she doesn't want the same things you want, it's not going to work anyway.

[Apple89]

I think you're right meeji, I don't think the flame has gone. She is very supportive but I guess I'm worried about having that conversation. I'm worried that she'll see it as me slowly cooling off in the relationship which is daft I know. I have had brief chats with her about all the issues I listed but to be fair to her I'm sure I haven't been clear enough.

 

GemmaUK, I actually want the same things as she wants from a relationship. However scary I'm at the age where kids in a few years would be high on m agenda too. I guess we don't contradict here. I mentioned it however as it feels like an added pressure to my worries. She's at the age now where if she wants kids it needs to be in the time frame mentioned or it will become increasingly unlikely that it will happen at all. I guess I feel that when I question things in my mind am I stringing her along in what could be the most key years of her life.

 

I just don't know how to express how I feel. I love her alot but there are fundamental issues. They don't feel like dealbreakers right now but I've read on this forum countless times about not moving forwards if you have doubts and how minor concerns you have in a relationship only grow as times go on.

 

I really do appreciate all your help though guys. Even just being able to vent a little and express myself has helped me a lot.

 

Thanks

 

Apple89

[d0nnivain]

3. Sometimes the whole relationship just doesn't feel "right", I really don't know how to put it any different to that.

 

Listen to your gut. I think the other stuff could probably be over come but when the whole thing feels "off" to you, why are you sticking around? IMO a good relationship just feels solid and "right". When yours doesn't, there are reasons even if you can't fully articulate them. Listen to your gut.

[morrowrd]

You need to communicate your needs to her. Have you actually sat down and talked about your relationship? Perhaps talk about what your future together looks like? Does she even see a future? Tell her you feel there is a gulf widening between you, and you're concerned. See what she says....this talk so so overdue, it's not funny.

 

When in doubt, communicate.

[Apple89]

Thanks guys, going to have a chat when she gets to my place shortly. I think it's best to lay my cards on the table and see if we can address it. Here's hoping to a positive resolution.

 

Thanks

 

Apple89