Argument with my boyfriend

[StBreton]

OP ...could you tell if your bf had been drinking when you talked with him at 9 pm on that Wednesday?

 

I did read your long version synopsis and my take is similar to others with a few addl observations:

 

What your bf did on that Sunday blowing you off was not cool ...you should not have let that slide ... A discussion needed to take place about priorities and respect for you/your time and all day drinking taking over "every" Sunday

 

The night in question ...Wednesday ... You owed your bf a call ...early in the day. It would have taken just 10 secs. Your bf was looking forward to spending the time with you ...socializing with others (as he seems to enjoy) and getting out and about. He wound up at home all alone all night. I think as plans got canceled with friends you might have offered to go to dinner with him ...then have a talk with your mom ...explaining that you were going to do such so he could make plans maybe with a buddy to go watch the a game somewhere. This is how I would have done it. I could see how he would be angry. You were flippant. However !!!!!

 

In no way is it ok for him to have gotten belligerent with you ...it was out of character as you intimate and that is why I inquired whether you could surmise he had been drinking. My guess would be he did have something to drink and this changed his behavior ...as he did on Sunday by blowing you off ...we'll call it non verbal belligerence ...he was very flippant about it with you when he did see you finally at 4 pm. Not cool.

 

I'm not sure if you guys are compatible ...but maybe give it time and attention. Your response by letting the Sunday thing slide confirms that you are used to this behavior of prior bf's disrespecting your time as your bf did this time. Your bf didn't want to let Wednesday slide as he's used to counting on you and others to not disrespect his time ... As I think you did on Wednesday.

 

Maybe if you guys sit down and discuss this and respect each other's time in the future and make a pact that no one gets belligerent ...you guys might be ok.

 

I'm concerned about your bf's temper ...I'd ask him if he was drinking that night and let him know he has to stay calm during a disagreement. It's not good your bf just didn't accept your apology and move on ...I think things got a little convoluted toward the end of your convo ... I think you both need to let it go and make sure you make a pact of ending a convo and discussing it calmly the when clearer heads prevail.

 

Also ...I think going to a game of his once a month shows you're part of his team and willing to be part of his world. You don't have to stay all day. Maybe have a beer with the group. That's what gf's do ... I spent many a night watching baseball and volleyball.

 

You guys are young ... What are you doing together? Hobbies? Interests?

 

I think you guys should talk sooner rather than later ...you both weren't squeaky clean so whoever calls whoever.

Edited October 31, 2015 by StBreton

[joseb]

OP, can you clarify a couple of things,

 

You say he drinks before the games? I find this pretty unbelievable.

 

Also you say he drinks all day after, then drives home?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, can you clarify a couple of things,

 

You say he drinks before the games? I find this pretty unbelievable.

 

Also you say he drinks all day after, then drives home?

 

I was about to ask about the second point too. If hes drinking and driving, we already know he's got poor judgement and puts his good time ahead of safety. Bad sign there, too.

[Lois_Griffin]

I didn't read the whole thing, but from the sounds of it you are incompatible. You don't like the way he lives his life and are very judgemental about it, assuming that your lifestyle is superior. that's getting off on the wrong foot to begin with. I suggest finding someone who wants to live their life the same way that you do. Not because either is better or worse (personally your boyfriends activities sound amazingly fun to me) but because you should be with someone you are compatible with.

What a crock. You didn't even read the whole post (it was too long, I admit it) yet you feel qualified to accuse her of feeling 'superior.'

 

For those of us who actually READ the post, it's quite clear this guy is an irresponsible little twit who acts like a 19 year old who just discovered alcohol. You make solid plans with him but he's such a friggen child that he can't pull himself away from this little drinking pals and show some responsibility, so you get disrespected over and over and over.

 

The problem is, you ALLOW it.

 

I'm not even going to address what his latest little snit is about because he's such a friggen CHILD. Suffice it to say, apparently he thinks it's just fine to purposely disrespect you again and again and again, but when he perceives he's gotten the same treatment back from you (even though you didn't have concrete plans), he acts like an emotionally stunted, verbally abusive little child about it.

 

Why are you even wasting your time with this loser?

 

ETA: This guy is 23 and still doesn't even have his sh*t together. He's under-employed and doing the bare minimum, working a part-time job. The rest of his time is spent drinking. There's just not one positive thing about this guy. Sorry.

Edited October 31, 2015 by Lois_Griffin

[Lansing]

On the drinking thing alone I feel you two are incompatible. I wouldn't put up with a girl who drank so much personally..

 

But, regarding Wednesday night I think his question was more so "hey, are we on still for tonight" even though he asked "should I go ahead and eat".

He probably felt like you two would hang out regardless of if the other couple was there. You could have addressed his with a 5 minute phone call and said "hey, do you mind if we hang out after 9pm, I have some gift shopping to do" or whatever. I do feel like you left him hanging and then when you were bored at 9pm you felt like he should just drop what he was doing to hang out with you.

 

This doesn't excuse his behaviour. Him hanging out for an extra few hours after the game when you had plans, etc is really bad too.

[Els]

This is just so messy.

 

Talking solely about the situation you mentioned (the 'potential double date' night), I think you were being inconsiderate. He had probably cleared his schedule and was waiting for you. How would you have felt if you had told him about the potential date night, and then he scheduled a meetup with his friends and told you that at 5pm of the day itself, and his argument was that he's busy and it wasn't set in stone? Sounds like a weak argument... because it is. So it's wrong for you to use it as well. If your friend cancels on the double date then just go on a DATE with your boyfriend! Why does it have to be a double date and you can't see him if your friend cancels??

 

That being said the rest of your complaints (him never planning dates, etc) are legitimate and valid reasons for frustration. But you need to be able to address them seperately.

 

Also, uh, what swear words exactly did he say to you? I don't usually ask people this because I'd assume that if they wrote about it, it's bad enough to be noteworthy, but the other things you wrote in your post kinda gave me pause.

Edited October 31, 2015 by Elswyth

[meeji]

I think most are in agreement that you probably should reconsider your relationship with him.

 

I think OP said that the bf worked until 6 PM and she worked until 5pm. She didn't contact the bf to cancel prior to 5pm because she was busy working AND because the other couple had not gotten back to her regarding their date.

 

By the time her shift was over and she nevery heard from the couple that's when she notified the boyfriend. Frankly, I don't see anything wrong with it.

 

Now, I probably would've suggested the two of us having dinner together instead like another poster said.

 

I also agree that this argument seems to be turning into a slight power struggle and that's not good. OP, use this time to think about your feelings and ask to talk once you've figured it out. Don't contact him until you feel ready to discuss all the issues. Don't ignore him though if he contacts you.

 

He probably needs time to cool off so try not to be so upset about not talking for a few days.

[Qboro90]

Qboro, did you also miss the part where she said they had plans to get together after his game one day, but he blew her off cause he was doing shots and drinking with his friends after the game? No call, no text letting her know he would be three HOURS late.

 

By the time he arrived, it was too late to go to the place they had planned to go to.

 

Did you miss the part where he called her an ass several times and is now ignoring her?

 

Easy with the "did you miss this part". It's condescending... And no I didn't miss that part. No where in my post did I say he was blameless in all this.... Just expressing it goes both ways.

 

If the tables were turned and he told her at 5pm that the dinner plans were off she would be calling him an ass for waiting till literally dinner time to say that dinner plans weren't followed through with. So telling him at 5pm is a real lackluster and inconsiderate move. If she hadn't heard anything from her friends by 2-3pm then the courteous thing to do is say "hey i haven't heard anything, I'm real busy anyways, scratch dinner tonight" ... Instead she told him last minute.

 

Second, regarding the game he stayed at. She says that his game ends at 1... She expected him to pick her up at 2:30. The place they were going was "a distance away" and it also closes at 5. So she tried squeezing in an activity that would've had to been timed perfectly without any delays for them to spend at least an hour at the place. If he picked her up at 2:30 and it was an hour away, they get there at 3:30 and have to leave at 5 anyways. So being torn up about an hour and a half is a bit dramatic.

 

Having played in these sports leagues myself they are literally once a week on a weekend morning usually. He made a commitment to his friends and probably paid a fee to be in the league. She knows he has 1 day a week where he's with his friends socializing for a couple hours. Maybe plan the "distance always" date for Saturday, maybe go to the game with him so he doesn't get caught up and she can let him know it's time to get going if they wanna make it to the place before it closes.

 

Was he probably inconsiderate and could've been more aware of the time and her plans? Yea of course. But he's 23, she's probably around the same age. They're gonna do stuff like this every once in a while. Not the end of the world. From my own experiences there are certain times where each person needs to remember that they're boyfriend/girlfriend.... Not husband and wife. They still are entitled to their own individual lives.

[Qboro90]

Thats the thing. I work a full time 9-5 job. He does not. He works part time. He works 30-35 hours a week. He works 10-6 most days. Then he has book club Monday. Sports Thursday. And Sports all day Saturday where most of it is a giant drinking party from 11am-9pm. I don't go to the games because I don't want to drink all day. One time he told me thats what we would do. He wanted me to go so I could watch him play, but he was more excited to tote me around the bar after and drink all day.

 

I would love to watch him play, but the drinking is included in that. I support him playing these games and being on a team. I like his friends and don't mind him having this time.

 

I was extremely busy at work so I could not text him or call him that day. I didn't feel well because I have a disease that made me feel bad that day. I figured he would get it that we weren't doing anything since I didn't get back to him. And even so I did finally tell him at 5 when he asked what the plan was.

 

 

It's also a little unfair to say that your boyfriend is only working a part time job. 30-35 hours a week is 5 hours short of full time. Certain companies and industries consider 35hours full time as well so it's not like the guys working 10-15 hours a week and slacking off the rest of the time. I work 40+ hours a week and my fiancé is a nurse who works 3 day shifts at 12 hours each. That's 36 hours. She'd kill me if I told her she was only working part time. Credit where credits due.

[amkxoxo]

I can't believe things have escalated to this point. I didn't hear from him all night. I was upset and depressed. I called my mother crying, because I know he went to his friends birthday party without me. I went to bed, only to be woken by my apartment buzzer at 3am, and a text from him saying we needed to talk.

 

I was mad. Show up at my place while I am asleep to talk at 3am, when I am tired. After he goes to a party without me. No No. He must have left and come back because an hour later at 4am, my buzzer started going off again and again and again. I tried to go back to sleep but I just could not because of the buzzing. I texted him telling him it "we do need to talk, but not at 4am when I am trying to sleep, so not now.

 

He then kept asking me to let him in so we could sleep together and we could talk in the morning. I said no, that I was already asleep and I wanted to continue by myself. Then he goes on to say that I promised him this weekend and and to give him this by letting him in to sleep next to me.

 

I told him that I did not ask him to come over at 4am and that he woke me and he needed to go home.

 

He then goes on to tell me that we can at least have this weekend and then be totally done on Monday. I was taken back. We were breaking up? Where is that coming from.

 

So I asked him about it. And told him we can discuss it another time.

 

He said he will not discuss anything another time that I can either sleep next to him or things between us can end.

 

I was so confused as to why he was so quick to breakup with me.

 

He then tells me to stop negoitiating and thats its bed or its over. I couldn't believe he was giving me this type of ultimatum.

 

He said that was what he was proposing. I then suggested we talk tomorrow during the day. He said no, and we needed to talk right now. Then he calls me on the phone.

 

We argue and fight for an hour. He tells me how he hates my morals and it sometimes ruins our relationship. How it is stupid not to be together when we promised to spend the weekend together. He calls me an ******* and many other things. He things I should apologize to him for what I did on Wednesday. He blames me solely for us not talking in two days. He feels I should have been the one to call and apologize. He tells me that he would have broken up with me after the weekend if we both did not speak. I cry and yell and get mad at him. At this point I am ready to be done with him.

 

We argue more. I tell him he could have called me and tried to make things right. He blames me and thinks I should have reached out. He tells me how he asked someone else and they think he is in the clear and is right.

 

I don't agree. He tells me he loves me so much and he wants us to have at least one night together. I chastise him coming at 4am to my door, waking me up, as it is inappropriate. And how dare he think I will just invite him to my bed. No way.

 

Then he insinuates that I don't treat him well and that I do not talk to him very much. I again tell him I cannot talk at work and it is not my fault.

 

He then tells me he is so done with me and all this stuff about us being done. I again chastise him, that if he says he loves me why would he want to break up with me?

 

At this point I get super sick because my illness is intensified with stress. I get mad because he is causing me being so sick.

 

We argue more. He hangs up, leaving it as we are over.

 

At this point I am okay with it.

 

Then he buzzes my apartment again. He begs to come in to talk. He won't stop buzzing so I finally let him in. I tell him he is not allowed to touch me. We argue more. We don't solve anything. We go to sleep. I won't let him touch me.

 

When I wake, disoriented, I can hear him in my kitchen. I go out and he is attempting to make me breakfast. I just cannot fathom acting so normal like nothing has happened. He notices my tense attitude. He says we should talk.

 

We fight more. I do not feel like I need to apologize more. I genuinely apologize one more time. He thinks I am still wrong. He blames me for everything since Wednesday. I go at him saying he could have called me anytime. He had a phone. He has a voice. He claims he shouldn't need to and that I should have been the one since I made him mad to begin with. I don't agree. We argue and argue. He says its over and goes to storm out.

 

He gets all ready to leave. I stay sitting on my bed. He doesn't leave. He tells me he loves me so much and he came at 3am to try and salvage a weekend gone bad. He wants to be with me. I am very rigid. I don't know what to do.

 

He acted like a psycho. I tell him so. He agrees a little ad says its because he loves me. I am the type of person that once I see a side of you that is not the best, I don't forget it and I tend to act differently. I do not know what to do. I think we either try it again and let go of all that happened, or we break up. I need to decide right now.

 

I care about him a lot, but his actions are not appropriate or positive in any way. He yelled and said mean things to me. He thinks I deserve it. I disagree.

[Qboro90]

Neither one of you knows how to be in a relationship. If you were explaining to someone why you broke up what would it sound like?

 

"Well, I told him we might have plans Wednesday, he cleared his schedule, I didn't tell him till last minute that plans were cancelled, he got upset cuz he waited around. He called me an ass. I don't think I did anything wrong so I'm not gonna call him. He didn't call me to bring me to a birthday party. He wanted to talk it out at 3am, I didn't want to. I'm not giving in, neither is he, it's over".

 

That's the general gyst of this whole entire situation. Literally so minuscule but each one of you is too stubborn to realize "wait, what the heck are we fighting about? Screw it, I'll say I'm sorry just because it's ridiculous and I don't want the whole weekend to be wasted".

 

Instead you're both dragging this out. And just looking back at your Op I noticed you've only been BF/gf for 1 month! Even if you count the months you've dated it's only been 6 months and there's so much immaturity going back and forth that you should each see that a relationship shouldn't be this much of a hassle after such a short time together.

 

You seem like you want a certain level of maturity and adult behavior in a boyfriend. Your boyfriend still wants to be 23 and do the things he wants to do. You may think it's only necessary to drink on a Friday or Saturday. Look up the hashtag #sundayFunday and you'll see that your BF isn't a weird guy or alchoholic for drinking after the game with his friends.

 

Couples who last have this common ability. They're able to pick their battles. And each person at some point is willing to be the "loser" in the argument or disagreement and let the other person have the satisfaction of being told "you know what, I'm sorry, I really didn't intend to do that and upset you.. I want us to be able to talk these things out and work through it, I'll make a point to make sure I'm on time if we've got plans after my games in the future. "

 

Or you could've said "hey babe, listen, I appreciate the 3am romantic desperate attempt to come work this out and spend time with me, but im exhausted, come over tomorrow morning, I'll make breakfast and we can talk. I feel bad about the other night, I shoulda told you sooner that dinner with them was off. That's my fault."

 

And you're done. Two sentences each instead of saying "I'm sorry... But you were a mean jerk and you did this that and that wrong too so it's not really my fault".... That's not an apology and your both just riding the merry go round of spite.

[katiegrl]

amkxoxo, real quick, you need to get over yourself and grow up. Sorry, but that's how I feel after reading your ^^post.

 

I don't have the energy or patience to explain why I feel that way, perhaps another poster will.

 

Clearly, you are not mature enough to be in any relationship.

 

You guys are toxic together, move on.

[katiegrl]

Neither one of you knows how to be in a relationship. If you were explaining to someone why you broke up what would it sound like?

 

"Well, I told him we might have plans Wednesday, he cleared his schedule, I didn't tell him till last minute that plans were cancelled, he got upset cuz he waited around. He called me an ass. I don't think I did anything wrong so I'm not gonna call him. He didn't call me to bring me to a birthday party. He wanted to talk it out at 3am, I didn't want to. I'm not giving in, neither is he, it's over".

 

That's the general gyst of this whole entire situation. Literally so minuscule but each one of you is too stubborn to realize "wait, what the heck are we fighting about? Screw it, I'll say I'm sorry just because it's ridiculous and I don't want the whole weekend to be wasted".

 

Instead you're both dragging this out. And just looking back at your Op I noticed you've only been BF/gf for 1 month! Even if you count the months you've dated it's only been 6 months and there's so much immaturity going back and forth that you should each see that a relationship shouldn't be this much of a hassle after such a short time together.

 

You seem like you want a certain level of maturity and adult behavior in a boyfriend. Your boyfriend still wants to be 23 and do the things he wants to do. You may think it's only necessary to drink on a Friday or Saturday. Look up the hashtag #sundayFunday and you'll see that your BF isn't a weird guy or alchoholic for drinking after the game with his friends.

 

Couples who last have this common ability. They're able to pick their battles. And each person at some point is willing to be the "loser" in the argument or disagreement and let the other person have the satisfaction of being told "you know what, I'm sorry, I really didn't intend to do that and upset you.. I want us to be able to talk these things out and work through it, I'll make a point to make sure I'm on time if we've got plans after my games in the future. "

 

Or you could've said "hey babe, listen, I appreciate the 3am romantic desperate attempt to come work this out and spend time with me, but im exhausted, come over tomorrow morning, I'll make breakfast and we can talk. I feel bad about the other night, I shoulda told you sooner that dinner with them was off. That's my fault."

 

And you're done. Two sentences each instead of saying "I'm sorry... But you were a mean jerk and you did this that and that wrong too so it's not really my fault".... That's not an apology and your both just riding the merry go round of spite.

 

Bless your heart for writing all that. I doubt she'll get it, but I admire you for giving it a shot.

[stillafool]

Why do you keep writing threads about your loser bf who you said you don't love, he treats you like dirt, your family is racist against him, so dump his arse and give us all a break.

[StBreton]

OP ...just read your new post ...seriously?

 

Did you read my posts and many others on here before you confronted him again? I agree with others and feel you are not mature enough for a relationship ... I think you should reread your post again and again and see how warped some of your thinking is. If you do not reflect and see how some of your behaviors and attitudes are inappropriate you won't be able to go on and have healthy relationships in the future.

 

It's all here for you to see. Isn't that the reason you started this thread ... So you could get advise ... Or was it just to seek validation that your behavior in this whole ordeal is fine and all the discord is due to your bf? (Who has his own issues as we've all pointed out ... But in fairness as others have said he acts like most 23 yr old guys ...he just needs a little polishing). You on the other hand need some major attitude shifting. Please don't shoot the messenger.

[StBreton]

OP ...on another of your threads a month or so ago... you indicated this same guy and you had plans for him to come over to your house ...at a certain time ...And when he arrived you were asleep and he got mad and felt you blew him off ... And you didn't think what you did was a big deal. I think you need to look at this behavior of yours of not honoring your commitments/lackadaisical attitude ... I see a pattern. Also ... You had talked with your friends days before about this double date ... Why are you waiting till the last minute for confirmation from them?? Why not call them and confirm the day before and if no response then let them know if you don't hear from them by a certain time you'll assume the evening is off and make other plans?? Do your friends leave you hanging ... You seem to have the same attitude as well though. I guess you run your friendships differently but events like this need to be confirmed before the 11th hour.

[katiegrl]

And just curious, but what is this mysterious disease you have that prevents you from behaving like a decent, caring, considerate human being? It appears you use this mystery disease a lot to justify inconsiderate and discourteous behavior.

 

Never heard of a disease like that....

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, it's pretty clear you don't work together and should not be a couple.

 

Consider this latest episode a blessing in disguise because evidently he doesn't make you happy and you don't make him happy either.

 

Time to put this relationship to bed.

[katiegrl]

OP ...on another of your threads a month or so ago... you indicated this same guy and you had plans for him to come over to your house ...at a certain time ...And when he arrived you were asleep and he got mad and felt you blew him off ... And you didn't think what you did was a big deal. I think you need to look at this behavior of yours of not honoring your commitments/lackadaisical attitude ... I see a pattern. Also ... You had talked with your friends days before about this double date ... Why are you waiting till the last minute for confirmation from them?? Why not call them and confirm the day before and if no response then let them know if you don't hear from them by a certain time you'll assume the evening is off and make other plans?? Do your friends leave you hanging ... You seem to have the same attitude as well though. I guess you run your friendships differently but events like this need to be confirmed before the 11th hour.

 

I sense a pattern as well. Self-centeredness.

 

I did not see it before, but do now. Loud and clear.

 

amk, do you see it?

[Redhead14]

I don't know if I should call him or text him. Try to make amends. Give in and let it go. I don't want to seem desperate. He could have called me or texted me to make a plan for this party. He hasn't. He will go off and have a great time, and I will be crying my eyes out. The last guy I dated did this every weekend. My boyfriend now did not, until now. I'm hurt.

 

Don't bother. And, don't cry your eyes out. Go out with some friends instead. Don't reach out to him again. Be NASA. Let him call Houston when he realizes there's a problem. If he realizes . . . Make plans to do something else during the party right now and if he calls you, you tell him you've made other plans.

[xcupid]

Sounds like something was brewing before this situation took place and then it was triggered by this situation.

 

 

Seems like this is escalating not defusing. Time for you both to walk away because you both don't know how to handle confrontation, you both don't know how to compromise, and nothing is being resolved.

[travelbug1996]

He's abusive and you enable him to mistreat you. Please break up.

 

The End

[Elisabetta]

Sounds a lot like a past relationship of mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly, I don't think you should initiate contact. Take a week to think about the situation. During this week, work on staying calm and prepare yourself mentally in case things don't work out and he continues to mistreat you. You might find that he will contact you first during this week. If he does, it is important that you talk about what happened and don't just ignore it! (Trust me on this one.) If he doesn't contact you within that week and you want to try to work things out, then maybe contact him. But not before a week has passed.

 

 

While it sounds like you both could have been more communicative about that Wednesday, what's done is done. It was disrespectful of him to call you any names, though. Good for you for standing up for yourself!

All the best

[Qboro90]

Sounds a lot like a past relationship of mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly, I don't think you should initiate contact. Take a week to think about the situation. During this week, work on staying calm and prepare yourself mentally in case things don't work out and he continues to mistreat you. You might find that he will contact you first during this week. If he does, it is important that you talk about what happened and don't just ignore it! (Trust me on this one.) If he doesn't contact you within that week and you want to try to work things out, then maybe contact him. But not before a week has passed.

 

 

While it sounds like you both could have been more communicative about that Wednesday, what's done is done. It was disrespectful of him to call you any names, though. Good for you for standing up for yourself!

All the best

 

 

What the heck would waiting a week do? That's just delaying an inevitable conversation that needs to take place and making it snowball bigger and bigger each day that passes with no contact. She's not gonna calm down if he doesn't call. She's going to get more upset and think "what a inconsiderate ass he is, he still hasn't called me" ... For no reason.

 

Plus... He literally showed up at her apartment in the middle of the night in an attempt (albeit ill thought out) to reconsile. So he's already tried. She didn't want to discuss it that night. And the following morning just erupted into bickering and no progress.

 

Someone has to be the bigger person. If OP expects and wants her BF to act like he's more mature then perhaps she can take a page out of her own book... Lead by example... Call or go see him and say "listen, we're gonna talk this out and get past it and we're not gonna let something like this damage our relationship".

[Els]

OP, honest question - do you actually WANT any advice or is this just a public journal? If the latter, please feel free to rant but at least let us know so you don't have 20 people spending their time and effort giving you advice that pretty much falls off deaf ears. Kind of the same way you had a boyfriend waiting for a date with you that you waited for him to text you asking about it at 5pm before cancelling it for no good reason at all (your friend canceling is not a good reason, adults are capable of going out on dates alone). I know that the past night was hard for you but I'm not just referring to that, I'm also referring to your past behaviour in all aspects.

 

That being said, even if this falls on deaf ears I have to say this - you were wrong but he was VERY wrong too to insist that you 'sleep next to him or it's over'. There is no purpose in being with someone who can't respect your requests for literally 3 hours of space, in fact it might turn out to be harmful. Leave him and work on being more considerate yourself, it's best this way.