meeji Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Backstory: I noticed a guy who worked at a place I went to with friends. When I purchased my items I slipped him a note that said " Give me a call if you'd like to go out sometime (with my number)." A week passed and I had forgotten about it but he contacted me with an invite to grab a drink Friday. I had plans to leave town for the weekend so we rain checked for next week. My weekend trip got canceled and he has now invited me to meet him tonight while he is out with a friend who's from out of town. He does work 2 jobs ad his schedule is pretty tight .. but still.... doesn't sound like a date to me. We haven't had a first date yet. I think it sets a very casual tone for me to accept his invitation. I want to know what you guys think. Would you go or decline the offer?
lilmissjava Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I wouldn't decline. It's the weekend. Why not enjoy it? No expectations, no disappointments. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I would go. He asked you out on a real date, but you had other plans. Now your plans have fallen through, and he's trying to include you in his other plans. I'm sure he'll ask you on a real date again next time. 5
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I wouldn't go, a hangout with your date and their friend is way too awkward for a first date. I would find it strange if I was chilling with my friend and she invited a new guy she hadn't been out with yet to spend time with us. And I'd feel really awkward going to spend time with a potential date and his friend, I mean, how would that work? My boyfriend invited me out to the pub with him and his friends when we first started talking and I declined, I couldn't imagine walking in and meeting up with like six new people at once, when I barely know the guy I'm interested in! I think a one on one date is much better for the first time. So I'd decline, but ask him when he's free to see you for a proper date. If he's interested in you he'll make the effort, even though you've had a couple missed opportunities already.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Hell no, I would go! Let your hair down! Throw caution to the wind, go out set on having an enjoyable evening! Come what may, at least it will be a nice social event!
Author meeji Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 Hmm. I don't tend to be super uptight about group dates but I've usually had real dates with the person prior to that. It could be fun and I'd get to see what kind of company he keeps OR They could be catching up on stuff and I could be the third wheel. It's a tough call... Some guys gets **** stupid when they're around their buddies and if that's the case it will be good to know up front. I sent a text that said " Thanks for inviting me. I don't want to get in between you and your friend's catch up time. If you think it's a good idea I can be down for the ride." Sometime guys don't always think things through... I did get an invitation to meet an old flame tonight as well. Maybe I'll schedule one after the other. That way I can leave early if it gets awkward on the group date and my night won't go to waste.
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Hmm. I don't tend to be super uptight about group dates but I've usually had real dates with the person prior to that. It could be fun and I'd get to see what kind of company he keeps OR They could be catching up on stuff and I could be the third wheel. It's a tough call... Some guys gets **** stupid when they're around their buddies and if that's the case it will be good to know up front. I sent a text that said " Thanks for inviting me. I don't want to get in between you and your friend's catch up time. If you think it's a good idea I can be down for the ride." Sometime guys don't always think things through... I did get an invitation to meet an old flame tonight as well. Maybe I'll schedule one after the other. That way I can leave early if it gets awkward on the group date and my night won't go to waste. Hmm you kinda got the worst of both worlds there... I mean, you expressed your uncertainty, but also agreed to go if he wanted you to. Plus you basically said you wouldn't go if it meant he'd enjoy seeing his friends more. Might have made you look a little doormat. But don't worry about it... if you do go, after this, by all means arrange your other meet up for right after, so you go see this new guy for like an hour tops and then have to dash off for another social event. It gives you chance to see him, but also means you look like you're in demand and have better things to do than give up a whole evening to be just part of his hangout, rather than his proper date 1
Author meeji Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 A doormat! I didn't think that was the case.. Interesting take. I think that I would look like a doormat if I flat out said yes, right away like I was that desperate to spend time with him. I definitely waited 4 hours to respond because I wasn't sure if I should go. He responded with:" It won't be a problem. I'll let you know when and where soon." As soon as I get those details I will make my other arrangements around that. On the flip side, there's a possibility that he wants his friend to know that he's dating an attractive girl:cool: Who doesn't like arm candy!
Author meeji Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 Just got home My guess is that he thought it went better than I thought it did. When I got to the brewery he and 3 of his friends were already in the middle of a board game so I pretty much sat through the end of it. After that we all played a game together. His friends left and the two of us went to a bar and had a drink and some food then one of my friends came by. He walked me to my car and then I offered to drive him home since it's cold out and he walked there. He invited me in. I checked out his place and then said I was leaving. He invited me to stay and I declined and then he went for the kiss. He didn't offer to pay at either place we went to. He wasn't dressed like he really cared much about his appearance. He's a handsome guy but still.. a little effort would be nice. His friends seemed to really like me as they kept making references to meeting again in the future. I'm not feeling it so much.
CosmicGate7 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Just got home My guess is that he thought it went better than I thought it did. When I got to the brewery he and 3 of his friends were already in the middle of a board game so I pretty much sat through the end of it. After that we all played a game together. His friends left and the two of us went to a bar and had a drink and some food then one of my friends came by. He walked me to my car and then I offered to drive him home since it's cold out and he walked there. He invited me in. I checked out his place and then said I was leaving. He invited me to stay and I declined and then he went for the kiss. He didn't offer to pay at either place we went to. He wasn't dressed like he really cared much about his appearance. He's a handsome guy but still.. a little effort would be nice. His friends seemed to really like me as they kept making references to meeting again in the future. I'm not feeling it so much. disclaimer: I would pay for all dates (If I ever get any) primarily because most women my age make 1/8th my income but why is it still so important for most women that the man pays for the dates? Do you see him as less competent or capable if everybody pays for themselves?
Author meeji Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 disclaimer: I would pay for all dates (If I ever get any) primarily because most women my age make 1/8th my income but why is it still so important for most women that the man pays for the dates? Do you see him as less competent or capable if everybody pays for themselves? No. I dont expect a guy to pay for every date but I think the first date is usually that way. This guy invited me to hang out with his friends on our first date... its the least he could do.. We also didnt go to anywhere extravagant at all so it wouldnt be breaking the bank. I feel like men who offer to pay usually care more about leaving a good impression, which indicates a higher interest level. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I don't blame you. With that weak effort, I wouldn't be interested, either. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 No. I dont expect a guy to pay for every date but I think the first date is usually that way. This guy invited me to hang out with his friends on our first date... its the least he could do.. We also didnt go to anywhere extravagant at all so it wouldnt be breaking the bank. I feel like men who offer to pay usually care more about leaving a good impression, which indicates a higher interest level. I agree, it looks cheap not to. And I don't mean I expect a guy to pay for all dates, just I expect him to pay for something I have, and I do the same in return. To not even say 'my round, what would you like?' for a simple drink makes someone look cheap. On my first date with my current partner I bought myself a drink before he arrived, he got himself one when he got there, then he offered to buy me a drink, then I bought him one too. Three drinks each, totally dutch. But the gesture of 'what would you like?' or paying for your meal so you can get some drinks later definitely shows that he cares about your company and isn't going to the tight and cheap in the future. Sounds like it went okay but yeah, if you're not feeling it at least you went and saw him! The doormat comment wasn't meant to be an insult by the way, sorry.
xcupid Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 I wouldn't call that a "date." That was more a meet and greet. If you're not feeling it then move on. He didn't put much effort into it at all. Not impressive to say the least.
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 He sounds lazy. If it doesn't feel right it's not. There are guys out there that feel their looks should be enough, even in the bedroom. Thumbs down on this guy. I always believe that if the guy makes an effort to make a good impression (dress decently/ smell good/ offer to pay), this shows he respects the date.....even a meet and greet.
katiegrl Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 (edited) I wouldn't call that a "date." That was more a meet and greet. If you're not feeling it then move on. He didn't put much effort into it at all. Not impressive to say the least. A "meet and greet" that he was probably hoping would turn into a "pump and dump." Post no. 9, 5th paragraph. Edited October 31, 2015 by katiegrl 3
joseb Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 A "meet and greet" that he was probably hoping would turn into a "pump and dump." Post no. 9, 5th paragraph. Yeah, that's what I was seeing. And he managed to avoid buying drinks, hung with his buddies and got a free ride home too! 1
Author meeji Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 I also agree with that. Twist to the story... He contacted me to go out again. I had a chat with the friend who introduced us.She used to date him 4 years ago. She says that she ruined him because he treated her so well and she took advantage of him. She was young and feels bad about it now. She said he hasnt had a relationship since her and she was pretty shocked with the way he treated me bc he was so sweet to her. She said he bought her everything and paid her bills too. Sounds like a good guy gone bad scenario. Question is.... do I give the guy a shot to make a comeback or let it go. I loled at the comment about good looks carrying a guy in the bedroom! Hilarious and so true! If I meet him again I want to tell him how I date and give him the option to man up to keep it moving. My friend made a good point. She said women spend time and money to get sexy for our dates. Hair, nails, makeup, clothes, cute shoes, jewelry.. we do all that to look nice when we go out with men. When a guy takes us to dinner he's paying for our company and the opportunity to dine with a beautiful woman. When he pays for dinner and drinks it evens out in the end. Its kinda true... single guys can go out to dinner at a fancy restaurant alone and pay for their own checks or they can do it with a lovely date. Essentially, they're paying for the experience. I have no problem with that logic. Question: Meet up with him or pass on round 2?
smackie9 Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 He hasn't had a relationship in 4 years.....that's concerning. To me that's emotionally unavailable.
Author meeji Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 He hasn't had a relationship in 4 years.....that's concerning. To me that's emotionally unavailable. I asked him bout his dating life. He said he doesn't get out much. He's kind of a shy guy. He's had dates in between the 4 years but no relationships. I think that's fine as long as the guy is trying to meet women. If he was completely void of that kind of interaction I would definitely be concerned!
Author meeji Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 Oh and he took one of the those dates to the same dive bar we went to. My friend said she saw him there with a date. After our chat yesterday she said she was going to tell him that it's not the place to take a girl on a date. Some men are so clueless. But some men also need some training ...
smackie9 Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 I would go with someone who knows better.....then again I'm not a fixer.
introverted1 Posted November 1, 2015 Posted November 1, 2015 She said he bought her everything and paid her bills too. This doesn't sound healthy to me. If I meet him again I want to tell him how I date and give him the option to man up to keep it moving. My friend made a good point. She said women spend time and money to get sexy for our dates. Hair, nails, makeup, clothes, cute shoes, jewelry.. we do all that to look nice when we go out with men. When a guy takes us to dinner he's paying for our company and the opportunity to dine with a beautiful woman. When he pays for dinner and drinks it evens out in the end. This is very odd logic. For one, presumably men also invest in getting their hair cut, shaving creams and after shave, nice clothing, etc. Second, no one is compelling women to do all of what you suggest. I tend to be fairly low maintenance and have had no shortage of guys. Should I have to pay more toward a date than a woman who spends 2 hours getting ready? Finally, I think that a lot of the prepping women do is as much for their own benefit (or to show up other women) as it is for men. I certainly don't see any reason why men should pay for dates because the woman has some supposed investment in "Hair, nails, makeup, clothes, cute shoes, jewelry" he has to offset. 1
Author meeji Posted November 1, 2015 Author Posted November 1, 2015 I'm low maintenance myself and it takes me 30 mins max to get ready. It was a generalization. As I said, essentially the guy is paying for the experience and her company. I make decent money, I have a house a car and everything I need to support myself. I don't NEED a guy to buy me a drink or a meal but its a nice and thoughtful gesture when a guy puts time and effort into courting me. That's all I'm saying. It certainly makes him seem more like a gentleman. The meeting I had with the guy wasn't planned out or thought about at all. The icing on the cake was that he didn't offer to pay either. Some of you are picking out parts of this to formulate arguments but with everything considered ...he just didn't try very hard. That's the point. Its not about the money. I'm done discussing who should pay for dates because that's not the point of my post. 1
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