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Cancelling a date [updated]

Odinani

By Odinani
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lilmissjava Established Member

lilmissjava

Posted
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Would it be considered rational or normal for a man to sulk and refuse to even speak to you if you cancel a date with him (giving 24 hours notice, not a first date)?

 

It is not rational or even remotely normal behavior. I am beginning to think that this guy is a boy in a mans body.

 

Temper tantrums now? I concur, permanently cancel him.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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If he's more than two and a half years old, it's not rational or normal.

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Odinani Established Member

Odinani

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Considering your last thread about this guy, and now this .... you need to cancel on him permanently!!

 

How much more evidence do you need to recognize this guy is a controlling, emotionally abusive asshat?

 

Come on now Ordiani, you are smarter than this...

 

Please don't get too impatient with me. It's all a learning curve for me. It's not like I've invested too much into it so hopefully it is not the end of the world. And yes I will end it, but I've no idea how. Any wise advice very welcome

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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If he's more than two and a half years old, it's not rational or normal.

 

It's more than that.

 

He is ignoring her now, refuses to speak with her. That is a form of emotional abuse (withdrawal of affection).

 

He is punishing her!

 

For what? Because HE did not like that she cancelled, even though she gave him plenty of notice..

 

Ordinani, this plus what was discussed in other threads, get rid of him!! These are huge red flags!

 

Why haven't you? What's the appeal? The attraction?

 

I don't get it. :confused:

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StBreton Established Member

StBreton

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Please don't get too impatient with me. It's all a learning curve for me. It's not like I've invested too much into it so hopefully it is not the end of the world. And yes I will end it, but I've no idea how. Any wise advice very welcome

 

How old are you? Are you new to dating?

 

For a guy to sulk after a date is canceled ...he's pretty immature ... if he were really looking forward to seeing you of course he'll be disappointed ...but to sulk so you know of his sulking is manipulative.

 

To break it off with him ...just explain you don't think you're a good fit for each other and wish him well. Why is that hard for you? Do you feel guilty? It happens all the time so try not to take it to heart.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted
Please don't get too impatient with me. It's all a learning curve for me. It's not like I've invested too much into it so hopefully it is not the end of the world. And yes I will end it, but I've no idea how. Any wise advice very welcome

 

Just tell him that you don't want to continue in the relationship.

 

End of story.

 

It's only more complicated than that if you make it so.

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted
Please don't get too impatient with me. It's all a learning curve for me. It's not like I've invested too much into it so hopefully it is not the end of the world. And yes I will end it, but I've no idea how. Any wise advice very welcome

 

Ending your relationship IS wise advice.

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
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How old are you? Are you new to dating?

 

For a guy to sulk after a date is canceled ...he's pretty immature ... if he were really looking forward to seeing you of course he'll be disappointed ...but to sulk so you know of his sulking is manipulative.

 

To break it off with him ...just explain you don't think you're a good fit for each other and wish him well. Why is that hard for you? Do you feel guilty? It happens all the time so try not to take it to heart.

 

Third paragraph ...^^that.

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Odinani Established Member

Odinani

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How old are you? Are you new to dating?

 

For a guy to sulk after a date is canceled ...he's pretty immature ... if he were really looking forward to seeing you of course he'll be disappointed ...but to sulk so you know of his sulking is manipulative.

 

To break it off with him ...just explain you don't think you're a good fit for each other and wish him well. Why is that hard for you? Do you feel guilty? It happens all the time so try not to take it to heart.

 

I'm a grown young-ish adult. I've had a difficult background re men/sex which I won't go into here. I'd describe myself as quite inexperienced. I do seem to get asked out a lot but I'm generally reticent about relationships and dating. So if I ask questions that seem dumb or obvious to me, know that the answers are not obvious to me or I would not be asking.

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Odinani Established Member

Odinani

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It's more than that.

 

He is ignoring her now, refuses to speak with her. That is a form of emotional abuse (withdrawal of affection).

 

He is punishing her!

 

For what? Because HE did not like that she cancelled, even though she gave him plenty of notice..

 

Ordinani, this plus what was discussed in other threads, get rid of him!! These are huge red flags!

 

Why haven't you? What's the appeal? The attraction?

 

I don't get it. :confused:

 

Given that he is not even speaking to me at the moment I could take the coward's way out and end things by simply never picking up his calls or responding to his messages ever again:D

 

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Ordinani, in a previous thread you described an abusive past, including your history with controlling, abusive men. You are in therapy, which is great.

 

In addition to therapy, my advice would be to read read read.

 

There are books and articles on the internet re signs of emotional abuse, what to look for, and how to deal (how to extricate yourself from such relationships), among other information about abusive relationships.

 

I realize it's a learning process, but learning requires educating yourself.

 

It's all spelled out in black and white what the signs are and how to avoid, so when stuff like this comes up in your dating experiences, you will know what to do...

 

Good luck...

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J21 Established Member

J21

Posted
Posted (edited)

I mean how early is it in this relationship? Did you offer a alternative date?

 

If it's pretty early and you didn't offer another date, then he probably took it as a way of saying you had a change of heart and don't wish to continue.

 

It's not really "sulk and refuse to even speak to you" if he decides to not waste his time. Maybe he's just walking away and doesn't want to be strung along.

Edited by J21
StBreton Established Member

StBreton

Posted
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I'm a grown young-ish adult. I've had a difficult background re men/sex which I won't go into here. I'd describe myself as quite inexperienced. I do seem to get asked out a lot but I'm generally reticent about relationships and dating. So if I ask questions that seem dumb or obvious to me, know that the answers are not obvious to me or I would not be asking.

 

Yes I kinda gathered your chronological age is one thing but just inexperienced ... that's why I indicated to be gentle on yourself and the other person. Less baggage that you'll carry if you do the right things with a good heart. If this guy is inclined to sulk, state what I recommended and go no contact ASAP ...don't stick around afterward in case he wants to take mean spirited jabs at you ... This guy seems like a candidate for that based on your other threads. He's got that "leveling" stuff down.

 

I'd get out now before he does damage to your person. Be good to yourself ...you owe him nothing.

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Yes I kinda gathered your chronological age is one thing but just inexperienced ... that's why I indicated to be gentle on yourself and the other person. Less baggage that you'll carry if you do the right things with a good heart. If this guy is inclined to sulk, state what I recommended and go no contact ASAP ...don't stick around afterward in case he wants to take mean spirited jabs at you ... This guy seems like a candidate for that based on your other threads. He's got that "leveling" stuff down.

 

 

-------

 

I'd get out now before he does damage to your person. Be good to yourself ...you owe him nothing.

 

^^I second this.....take care of YOU!

  • Like 1
lilmissjava Established Member

lilmissjava

Posted
Posted
Please don't get too impatient with me. It's all a learning curve for me. It's not like I've invested too much into it so hopefully it is not the end of the world. And yes I will end it, but I've no idea how. Any wise advice very welcome

 

You have now seen what the rest of us advise you to do. But in the end, it is what's BEST for you and ultimately your decision. This road you're on with him is not going to get any smoother. These are things you are quite aware of now.

fitnessfan365 Established Member

fitnessfan365

Posted
Posted
Because HE did not like that she cancelled, even though she gave him plenty of notice..

 

Well I wouldn't exactly that 24 hours is plenty of notice. That's the day before.

 

But him ignoring her and throwing a temper tantrum is definitely not how one should act in an adult relationship. I'm sure the reason was valid and they've been seeing each other long enough now to establish some consistency. However, this guy definitely doesn't sound like good dating material.

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Odinani Established Member

Odinani

Posted
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I mean how early is it in this relationship? Did you offer a alternative date?

 

If it's pretty early and you didn't offer another date, then he probably took it as a way of saying you had a change of heart and don't wish to continue.

 

It's not really "sulk and refuse to even speak to you" if he decides to not waste his time. Maybe he's just walking away and doesn't want to be strung along.

 

Couple months....

StBreton Established Member

StBreton

Posted
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Maybe you could re-title this thread "canceling a relationship"

 

Ordinani (don't know what that word means but it's very pretty)

 

If you're in counseling now and you're trying to rebuild yourself ...you do yourself harm by rebuilding with foam bricks ...this guy is weak like a foam brick ...you don't want him in the structure of your new building. It's like taking 3 steps forward and this guy is taking you 1 step back ... are you lonely and that's why you stay with him?

 

Are you avoiding him and that's why you canceled the date but you really want to cancel the relationship ...is this move of date canceling a metaphor for what you really want to do ..evict him from your "building"?

 

What is best for YOU? FYI ...I've had to remove a few foam bricks from my new building ...sigh :) You aren't alone :)

  • Like 1
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Odinani Established Member

Odinani

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Ordinani, in a previous thread you described an abusive past, including your history with controlling, abusive men. You are in therapy, which is great.

 

In addition to therapy, my advice would be to read read read.

 

There are books and articles on the internet re signs of emotional abuse, what to look for, and how to deal (how to extricate yourself from such relationships), among other information about abusive relationships.

 

I realize it's a learning process, but learning requires educating yourself.

 

It's all spelled out in black and white what the signs are and how to avoid, so when stuff like this comes up in your dating experiences, you will know what to do...

 

Good luck...

 

I see this as a learning experience. I've got lots of reading to do. I love reading and I love self-help books. It's not like I agreed to marry this guy or anything. I didn't even have sex with him. So I can walk away with no harm done and use it as a 'how not to date' experience.

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Odinani Established Member

Odinani

Posted
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Yes I kinda gathered your chronological age is one thing but just inexperienced ... that's why I indicated to be gentle on yourself and the other person. Less baggage that you'll carry if you do the right things with a good heart. If this guy is inclined to sulk, state what I recommended and go no contact ASAP ...don't stick around afterward in case he wants to take mean spirited jabs at you ... This guy seems like a candidate for that based on your other threads. He's got that "leveling" stuff down.

 

I'd get out now before he does damage to your person. Be good to yourself ...you owe him nothing.

 

I really appreciate this. Thank you. I feel so happy and peaceful now I've cancelled the date.

 

So there is a name for what he has been doing..."leveling". I'll see what I can find on that on Google

  • Like 1
J21 Established Member

J21

Posted
Posted (edited)
Couple months....

So did you offer an alternative date? I have no idea what to think from the lack of details. You make it seem like you cancelled once and he just walked away. I'm sure there are more details than this.

 

I don't follow your threads or any of the details everyone else seems to know............. but if you're just randomly cancelling dates without rescheduling or trying to make it up to him some how, the guy is gonna feel the relationship is one sided and move on.

Edited by J21
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted
So did you offer an alternative date?

 

I don't follow your threads or any of the details everyone else seems to know............. but if you're just randomly cancelling dates without rescheduling or trying to make it up to him some how, the guy is gonna feel the relationship is one sided and move on.

 

Whether or not she offered alternative date is moot.

 

Read her previous thread about this guy, it's relevant.

 

This bozo verbally abuses her ... she was smart not to offer alternative date, she needs to cancel him from her life permanently, which it appears is exactly what she plans to do, thank gawd.

  • Like 1
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Odinani Established Member

Odinani

Posted
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Yes I kinda gathered your chronological age is one thing but just inexperienced ... that's why I indicated to be gentle on yourself and the other person. Less baggage that you'll carry if you do the right things with a good heart. If this guy is inclined to sulk, state what I recommended and go no contact ASAP ...don't stick around afterward in case he wants to take mean spirited jabs at you ... This guy seems like a candidate for that based on your other threads. He's got that "leveling" stuff down.

 

I'd get out now before he does damage to your person. Be good to yourself ...you owe him nothing.

 

He's been acting as if I owe him EVERYTHING :cool:

StBreton Established Member

StBreton

Posted
Posted
I see this as a learning experience. I've got lots of reading to do. I love reading and I love self-help books. It's not like I agreed to marry this guy or anything. I didn't even have sex with him. So I can walk away with no harm done and use it as a 'how not to date' experience.

 

Ordinani ...he IS doing harm ...some of the things he says to you are mean spirited ...aimed at leveling ...I might be a newbie to dating again but I know all the dance moves to Saturday Night Fever so I've been around a long time ...dated a ton in my 20s ... His words are not kind ...his place in your life is to show you what you don't want in a partner ... He's taught you that lesson ... I'm sure he has some good qualities but he's got a big dark spot on his heart.

 

How much harm is too much? For me ..any amount of harm is too much ...but I don't put up with crappy baggage ...I understand everyone has got some baggage ...I'd just prefer it be filled with a bag of Godiva chocolates, rye crackers and some cheese ... Crap just stinks up the plane :)

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Odinani Established Member

Odinani

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The upshot of all of this is that I've decided to end the relationship. I'm very satisfied with that decision.

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