xUnknown Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 (edited) placeholder, or the rebound. Its happened a few times now. I'm 25. (this is not about that mom I had a thread about a few months back, been NC since then tho she still checks up on me via snapchat) TLDR; Met up with a old friend for drinks. Went back to her place and talked and caught up more. We're both into each other, she is recently single, though handling it great. She's like me, don't wait up for people that don't want to be there. Talk for several hours. Kissing progressed to making out then to sex. Contact that was once every day for 3-4 weeks has slowed down. I was going to ask her to be my date for my cousins wedding Dec 5th. Feeling down because I feel I was the rebound. Not much of a question here, more of me just venting. I just feel like this always happens. Used, then discarded. I know I'm a great guy, just sucks when you feel like something is there, then nothing. I recently reconnected with a girl I've known since I was 12. She is recently single, like two months ago they broke up, she ended it, she seemed more stable than ANYONE (M or F) that I know post breakup. I met her, her friend and her parents out at a pub and grabbed a quick bite to eat and all caught up on passed time. Her parents left and we talked about her friends recent (last week) breakup. I lent a male opinion. Turns out I gave fantastic advice (much of which I learned from here, so thank you all for the help in the past)! They mentioned I should be a psychologist (I'll take that as a compliment). Her and I ended up going back to her place and talked for a while longer, close to maybe 2 hours. Reminiscing about life and past relationships. Turns out she and I have a lot of the same feelings about relationships, life and what not. Our initial plans was to watch Jurassic World. Well, we started talking about how we've always been attracted to one another and she mentioned how she knew I would be a good kisser by the way I speak (kinda weird, but I'll take it). Anyways, things progressed and we had sex. Twice that night then once in the morning (when we were sober) In the morning, I told her that "I'm trying to take her out to see where things go, but after her recent breakup that I'm just going with the flow now". Contact has always every day for past 3 or so weeks, until it started to drop off a little bit this week. I'm laying low now. I just hate the fact that I could have possibly screwed up something, when we both seemed to be in agreement that it wouldn't. Had I known things would change I wouldn't have went through with having sex with her. What sucks too is my cousins wedding is next Month and I initially planned on inviting her. Sure, I can ask someone else, but I really don't want to. Edited October 30, 2015 by xUnknown 1
meeji Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I say ask her to wedding and see if she wants to go. She might. She might not. Maybe start by asking her out to dinner or drinks and if you feel like she's still interested then ask about the wedding. If she seems distant and uninterested then just end the date on a positive note and start thinking about who else you could take. Sometimes women need time and space to process our emotions. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong or messed up. If you haven't been in contact with her you can't expect to know what she's thinking or feeling... 2
Author xUnknown Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 I say ask her to wedding and see if she wants to go. She might. She might not. Maybe start by asking her out to dinner or drinks and if you feel like she's still interested then ask about the wedding. If she seems distant and uninterested then just end the date on a positive note and start thinking about who else you could take. Sometimes women need time and space to process our emotions. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong or messed up. If you haven't been in contact with her you can't expect to know what she's thinking or feeling... I was planning on doing that actually. I asked her if she was watching the football game last night and wanted to grab a drink somewhere. She replied saying she was seeing it with a friend and she was sorry. I've asked her out a few times before for drinks/food but she always has something going on (seriously, the busiest person I've ever met). Figured I'd lay low until next week then call her, ask her for drinks, if she can't then ask her about the wedding right then and there. My initial instinct, even Monday and tuesday following the evening, was there is no way she'd say 'no'...now, i'm starting to change that and think she might. 1
Satu Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Ask her to the wedding. You've nothing to lose, and the chance of a yes. Be bold. 1
Author xUnknown Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 Thanks meeji and Satu. I still plan on it. I guess I'd just be disappointed on if I blew a chance dating this woman for one night in bed with her. Besides, our parents are family friends (although they havent seen each other in several years)...in some weird way, her and I talking now have got both our parents talking again about all of us going out for dinner sometime to catch up. 1
PogoStick Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 What makes you think that anything is screwed up? 2
Httm Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 So, you were both drunk, had sex the first night, and then are shocked when things don't work out? If you grow up a bit and approach things in a less childish manner, you will be more likely to find an actual relationship. No date in 3 weeks after too..you are not anywhere near relationship material at this point. 2
Author xUnknown Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 (edited) What makes you think that anything is screwed up? Well, pretty much because we were drinking and things got physical. So, you were both drunk, had sex the first night, and then are shocked when things don't work out? If you grow up a bit and approach things in a less childish manner, you will be more likely to find an actual relationship. No date in 3 weeks after too..you are not anywhere near relationship material at this point. Yes, a drunken mistake. I know. Correct, no "official date". However, after a week and a half we ran into each other at a bar (she was with her dad, I was with my friend) so we all socialized together. So I count that as something informal. Then I asked her out last week sometime, she was busy with tennis (she's a coach). She asked me out Sunday of last week for a date this past weekend, but I had plans. My plans changed, I contacted her, then that's when we agreed to meet up at the pub for the drink. She had already made plans but invited me to come along. Like I said in my initial post, she's busy, and when she isn't I usually am. I travel on the weekends, which is when she is usually free (work then gym and tennis lessons daily). I guess I thought we were both mature enough to not let that get in the middle of things. And who knows, maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing and everything is fine. Edited October 30, 2015 by xUnknown 1
Httm Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Well, pretty much because we were drinking and things got physical. Yes, a drunken mistake. I know. Correct, no "official date". However, after a week and a half we ran into each other at a bar (she was with her dad, I was with my friend) so we all socialized together. So I count that as something informal. Then I asked her out last week sometime, she was busy with tennis (she's a coach). She asked me out Sunday of last week for a date this past weekend, but I had plans. My plans changed, I contacted her, then that's when we agreed to meet up at the pub for the drink. She had already made plans but invited me to come along. Like I said in my initial post, she's busy, and when she isn't I usually am. I travel on the weekends, which is when she is usually free (work then gym and tennis lessons daily). I guess I thought we were both mature enough to not let that get in the middle of things. And who knows, maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing and everything is fine. There is no middle of things because there is no "thing." You had drunken sex one night and then a casual meetup within 3 weeks. That is not how to proceed into a relationship. 2
Vintage79 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I don't feel a lot of sympathy for you here, at least in terms of being a rebound in the situation that you described - in your words, she was newly single - I don't know why you think you'd be anything but a rebound. Simple solution - don't date someone just out of a relationship...you're knowingly putting yourself in situations such as the aforementioned, so you don't have a lot you can complain about...just my view... 2
Author xUnknown Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 I don't feel a lot of sympathy for you here, at least in terms of being a rebound in the situation that you described - in your words, she was newly single - I don't know why you think you'd be anything but a rebound. Simple solution - don't date someone just out of a relationship...you're knowingly putting yourself in situations such as the aforementioned, so you don't have a lot you can complain about...just my view... No, you're exactly right. I knowingly do this to myself, no clue why. I guess I got the opinion I could be more than a rebound was because of our history together. I guess I just gotta figure out why I keep doing that to myself. It's weird, two weeks ago I told myself I'll be friendly and grab a drink here or there with her, knowing (like you mentioned) she's out of a relationship and not wanting to get involved. Then, the more were chatting, the more I could see it going somewhere with her. Only thing is, she's mentioned the same. So in that respect I guess I felt lead on and in a sense that it could go somewhere. I guess I get the idea in my head that "yes it could go somewhere, but should it at this point in time." Anyways, yes, I know I did this to myself. On the other hand, with other women, after going out and dating someone, I ask the whole "what are you looking for right now"...(dating, or just a short term hookup-not using those exact words obviously) so I know weather to get my emotions involved and not see it for more than what it is. I don't want to get involved and hurt myself if it's not going anywhere. It seems every time I ask this (at least 3/4 times in past year), things end with that person. I don't do this too soon, because I don't want to frighten them away. Seems like nobody is looking for a relationship. I wouldn't say I'm looking, but I'm obviously open to it. In my experience "looking" for a relationship only leads to getting attached to someone and not thinking objectively and letting red flags go. idk, it's been a fckn stressful week and I think a lot of things are getting to me right now. I appreciate you all letting me vent. 1
Author xUnknown Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 There is no middle of things because there is no "thing." You had drunken sex one night and then a casual meetup within 3 weeks. That is not how to proceed into a relationship. Not that it makes a difference, but the meet ups were before the sex...not - had sex first night then met up after that. 1
kismetkismet Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 If you don't want to be a rebound it's best not to date people who just got out of relationships. I know that's easier said than done because sometimes things just fall into place that way. But whenever you become involved with someone who is recently out of a relationship there is always a pretty good chance that they're not in a good place to begin a healthy and focused relationship with you. People that are just coming out of a relationship have a tendency to latch very quickly onto other people.. A huge hole has opened up in their heart and a part of them is eager to fill it. They also are used to being in a relationship, not to dating. The hole is like a vacuum, it sucks people into it to serve as temporary relief from their pain. they sometimes slide more easily into intimacy because it's what they are used to, it's what they're missing. Once people have healed from the breakup intimacy often comes more slowly, because it's more of an adjustment from their usual routine. Maybe you are looking too hard for a relationship? I find that the best people come along when I'm in a good place in my life when I'm single. When i enter into a relationship because of the specifics of that person, not because I just want to be in a relationship with someone. It's possible that your need for a relationship is creating vacuum much like the people who are just coming out of a relationship.. not looking for a bond, but for someone to fill a hole and relieve some pain. 2
Author xUnknown Posted October 31, 2015 Author Posted October 31, 2015 If you don't want to be a rebound it's best not to date people who just got out of relationships. I know that's easier said than done because sometimes things just fall into place that way. But whenever you become involved with someone who is recently out of a relationship there is always a pretty good chance that they're not in a good place to begin a healthy and focused relationship with you. People that are just coming out of a relationship have a tendency to latch very quickly onto other people.. A huge hole has opened up in their heart and a part of them is eager to fill it. They also are used to being in a relationship, not to dating. The hole is like a vacuum, it sucks people into it to serve as temporary relief from their pain. they sometimes slide more easily into intimacy because it's what they are used to, it's what they're missing. Once people have healed from the breakup intimacy often comes more slowly, because it's more of an adjustment from their usual routine. Maybe you are looking too hard for a relationship? I find that the best people come along when I'm in a good place in my life when I'm single. When i enter into a relationship because of the specifics of that person, not because I just want to be in a relationship with someone. It's possible that your need for a relationship is creating vacuum much like the people who are just coming out of a relationship.. not looking for a bond, but for someone to fill a hole and relieve some pain. Thanks for the response. I hear ya on rebounds. I know those all too well (I had one in the past and told myself it wouldn't happen again). I think all I did was jump the gun in this scenario. There is history with us, so it was much easier to make the initial approach. I saw the opportunity and I went for it and asked her out. What I didn't do, was think to myself if this would be the opportune time to do so. I let myself be something I shouldn't have (a hookup). I don't really see it as a regret...however, if it were to ruin something for the future - then yes, I would regret it. But I won't know that until the future comes, when she is ready to date, and if anything were to even happen. I had thought about that too - the fact that I may be looking too hard for a relationship. The only thing is, I'm not. I like being single and like I said, I don't see myself actively looking for a relationship - rather, if one comes my way then approach it. I keep myself guarded more now and keep alert for red flags I would previously have ignored. I'm just getting tired of the dating and having it go nowhere. But, I guesss that's a good thing because it means I'm not letting my wall down for just anyone. 1
kismetkismet Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 Yup, we all make mistakes! Things rarely work out perfectly smoothly and I only have advice for you based on rebounds due to the fact that I have been in a similar situation, both as the person rebounding, and as the person being rebounded with. I would just let that situation lie for a bit and give her some time to heal etc. Don't take the rebound thing personally either, it's a difficult time to enter into anything and your head and heart are usually in pieces.. 1
Author xUnknown Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Yup, we all make mistakes! Things rarely work out perfectly smoothly and I only have advice for you based on rebounds due to the fact that I have been in a similar situation, both as the person rebounding, and as the person being rebounded with. I would just let that situation lie for a bit and give her some time to heal etc. Don't take the rebound thing personally either, it's a difficult time to enter into anything and your head and heart are usually in pieces.. Thanks for the reply. And yeah, that's what I plan on doing. I gave her a call last night to ask her to the wedding. It rang then eventually went to VM. I texted her to call me back when she had some a few minutes. She immediately replied back asking if things were okay and she is out with some friends for trivia. She asked for a hint because it'll be a long two hours wondering (again, instant response from her). I told her there was no need to be alarmed. That was a little bit before 8pm last night. I never heard back, but she was out with friends and I didn't make it sound like it was a serious matter. So I'm just laying low right now. She knows I wanted to speak with her. If I don't hear back, well, there's my answer. I hate how I get so anxious with **** like that. I have no problem asking a person out on a date (I actually have one tonight) with whom there is no history with , but when it comes to someone I'm interested in/being a past, I always second guess myself. I honestly had no doubt in my mind she would say 'yes' if I had asked her, obviously now, I'm thinking its quite the opposite. I haven't been bombarding her with texts or anything, simply reciprocating and mirroring contact, so I know I'm not coming off as clingy or anything. I had this problem the first time around with my ex, however, since then I have learned the source of my problem and stopped (thinking I wasn't good enough for someone - confidence issue 2.5 years ago).
Author xUnknown Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 She called/texted and snap chatted me last Thursday two days after my initial call. We've been sort of playing phone tag since then and at this point I'm getting tired of it reaching out. So, looks like I'm on to the next one in my list for this wedding.
Maxtor Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 So, you are having sex. Whats the problem again? At least you are not being friendzoned. I rather be the rebound then the FZ guy.
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