Trying to work out if i am getting played by a girl

[TheBullFrog]

I feel a bit awkward writing this but here goes.

 

 

I met a girl through Tinder ( yeah i know) and it from her profile and talking to her it seems like she wasn’t on that site for a one night stand. She wanted to make ‘friends’ and i guess maybe find a boyfriend. She is from South America and is 26, came to my country (anglo saxan) to study English to improve her English and is now supposedly working hard to save money to extent her visa for another 2 years. I am 30 and white.

She started working as a nanny but quit as she couldn’t enjoy her weekends, worked in the kitchen washing dishes but quit after 2 weeks and now works as a cleaner cleaning peoples houses or small businesses. She says its pretty tough work.

We have ‘known’ each other since the beginning of September, talking via sms and sometimes phone calls (rarely). We have a huge chat history, especially in the beginning. In the past 2 months we have been on 4 dates.

 

 

The strange thing is she was very eager to set up the date and always we would send messages in the beginning, but a few hours before our date she would call and apologies that she cant make it, and then organise it for the next day or next week.

But on the other hand all of our dates have been fantastic, especially the last 2 dates were all we did was hug, cuddle, kiss and hold hands. It felt so real, it felt like she really liked me. She even took me to a south American restaurant and paid for my dinner. And when i saw we kiss, it crazy i have never kissed some one so much on one date. We watched the Martian together and maybe half of the movie was us kissing and the entire time we cuddled and held hands. It was our third date and the first time we kissed. She initiated the holding of hands, and a few seconds i initiated the kissing, and it didn’t stop lol. She even took a few selfies of us together.

She also calls me “Dear” in sms only if that means anything.

But again the strange thing is during this date she would make plans for the next day or next week and never go through with them and cancel them. For example on our last amazing date was last Saturday and she said that the next day she would cook for me in the morning and then we go for a picnic at the park and spend all day together. Then on Sunday she sent me a message saying she had to go to the beach with her friends because one of her best friends broke up with her bf etc and that we will spend all of next week end together.

 

 

Fast forward to this week end and she supposedly cant make it at all to see me, as Saturday she has 3 shifts and finishes work at 7pm and will be tired. I can see on whats app she is on regularly online, but then again she could be bored at work.

 

 

This week when texting with her she is not as chatty as usual. In the past we would text back forth for 30 or so minutes, not she responds once and says she has to go to sleep because of work. Some times when she says that i can check whats app 3-4 hours later and see she has been online lately. I know you are thinking i am flooding her with text msgs but its not the case. I usually 1 text on a Monday, and then 1 on Wednesday for a bit of small talk and to ask her out. So i give her a lot of space.

The most alarming thing is i noticed she would still be suing Tinder (it showed her last logon time). I would only go on Tinder once a week purely just to check her profile, sad i know. I deleted my Tinder profile 2 weeks ago because it was driving me nuts.

 

 

So sorry about the long post and i know its only been a few dates, but i have this dreaded feeling i am being stringed along and that i am her back up plan when other dates fall through. Her behavior is sketchy at times and her unpredictability infuriates me, but those 4 dates were very passionate and they don’t feel fake. Maybe im just over analyzing things too much.

What should i do?

[Siquijor]

 

 

So sorry about the long post and i know its only been a few dates, but i have this dreaded feeling i am being stringed along and that i am her back up plan when other dates fall through. Her behavior is sketchy at times and her unpredictability infuriates me, but those 4 dates were very passionate and they don’t feel fake. Maybe im just over analyzing things too much.

What should i do?

 

 

I understand how you feel and I agree about her stringing you along. Don't fall for it. This is a big red flag.

[Art_Critic]

Her behavior is sketchy at times and her unpredictability infuriates me,

 

If someone you just met and have only had 4 dates with infuriates you that is a sign to move on, this person is not the right one for you...

 

Getting to know someone should be fun, exciting and create good feelings not bad ones.

[TheBullFrog]

Thanks for the response guys.

 

I enjoy getting to know her and love her company, its amazing being with her. Its just the last minute cancelled dates or change of plans, or missing for a week and appearing again.

 

I understand she is young and wants to experience time in her new country and with friends. But at the same time i dont know if i am being too "needy".

 

Im thinking of maybe asking her out again. If its a last minute cancellation i think i will just tell her its crap how she treats me, and if she says no should i ask her what is up with her? I dont know some one could be so into me and then just disappear or act not interested.

 

This is really doing my head in. If it was something casual i can understand it, but from the moment we meant the vibe was that it was dating and we had some strong feelings toward each other.

 

So confusing

[insert_name]

I am in a very similar situation, great dates although the dates themselves are sporadic due to the number of hours the girl works- upwards of 50+ a week (this does seem legit) and between dates there is a text from her every few days.

 

Its so frustrating because its hard to know what is real- are you being needy or is she not putting enough effort in when typically in the early stages you are supposed to want to see the other person as much as possible to cement a connection?

 

It really is almost cruel when two people are experiencing totally different levels of interest. You are feeling those chemicals that bond with the person while they are more detached for whatever reason so you are bonding with a ghost who only sees you when it suits them and their behaviour is typically inconsistent. Most people would say walk away but that is hard to do when you are experiencing that early stage of connection.

 

The logical conclusion to draw from.their behaviour is that they are either seeing other people or that they are emotionally unavailable to the point where they are not committed to anything more than a casual date now and then- regardless of how they actually act on the date.

 

The approach I am trying to take is to mentally write her off but not verbally. We are not in a relationship, I will take my mind off it in the meantime and do other things and when she re-appears I will take it on a case by case basis as to whether to see her. In the meantime I will live my life as I would normally. Easier said than done though it has to be said!

[insert_name]

I should add that my way of dealing with this has been to change my behaviour so it aligns with hers: she knows that I am genuinely interested in her and not just after sex, her behaviour hasn't changed so I have scaled back on how quickly I reply and the content of my messages. I will see how this piques her interest, if it doesn't that will probably tell me all I need to know. Basically, I am putting it on the footing that she has to come to me from now on so I can see she is interested.

 

It is sad that the only way to proceed with people who aren't very open is to withdraw so you can retain some level of detachment yourself and avoid getting hurt.

Edited October 30, 2015 by insert_name

[TheBullFrog]

I should add that my way of dealing with this has been to change my behaviour so it aligns with hers: she knows that I am genuinely interested in her and not just after sex, her behaviour hasn't changed so I have scaled back on how quickly I reply and the content of my messages. I will see how this piques her interest, if it doesn't that will probably tell me all I need to know. Basically, I am putting it on the footing that she has to come to me from now on so I can see she is interested.

 

It is sad that the only way to proceed with people who aren't very open is to withdraw so you can retain some level of detachment yourself and avoid getting hurt.

 

 

Thanks for this post and your other post as well. I can see we are in the same position. I know what you are feeling.

 

I agree, its quite sad that today we have to play all these games and hide behind masks just to try date. I genuinely want a girlfriend, and i always get excited when i meet some one knew and think for a brief moment this person maybe different from the rest, only to be painfully reminded that i was wrong.

I will try to detach most of my feelings for her, it will be hard like you said.

 

I think i will wait until wednesday, if i dont hear from her i might do a last ditch effort and send her a text asking how she is etc, and if there is some flow in the communication ask her out again. If she says no i wont contact her again and if she does contact me i will act distant.

 

I still cant believe how some one go to acting so interested to so distant in a matter of days. I honestly dont get it.

[insert_name]

Thanks for this post and your other post as well. I can see we are in the same position. I know what you are feeling.

 

I agree, its quite sad that today we have to play all these games and hide behind masks just to try date. I genuinely want a girlfriend, and i always get excited when i meet some one knew and think for a brief moment this person maybe different from the rest, only to be painfully reminded that i was wrong.

I will try to detach most of my feelings for her, it will be hard like you said.

 

I think i will wait until wednesday, if i dont hear from her i might do a last ditch effort and send her a text asking how she is etc, and if there is some flow in the communication ask her out again. If she says no i wont contact her again and if she does contact me i will act distant.

 

I still cant believe how some one go to acting so interested to so distant in a matter of days. I honestly dont get it.

 

From what I have read it is symptomatic of someone who is 'emotionally unavailable'- they give the impression of connecting with you in person but their general communication the rest of the time is sketchy and apathetic.

 

It all comes down to whether you are willing to put in the hard yards to try and get through to that person, but you run the risk of wasting your time and having them disappear eventually. Is it worth it? You can only go about your business and try and find other people to date in the meantime.

 

I agree about how attraction is all wrong. It is so counter intuitive, women seem to want to be chased yet the guy has to chase whilst remaining emotionally aloof himself. You can't simply tell a girl that you like her otherwise she will be scared off because you are a creep or because you are needy or whatever. I don't know how people get into couples these days, it has been nothing but hard work for me trying to connect with a woman who feels the same, there are always games, tests and hoops to jump through. Its boring.

[insert_name]

Just to add I would also be careful about contacting her again from this point on. I think you have to take the tough love approach, leave her be so she knows your life does not revolve around her. Conversely, her being made to chase may attract her attention. If she doesn't then then she can't have enjoyed those dates as much as you, I am sad to say.

[smackie9]

She's just out for dating and not a commitment.....time to move on and find someone else.

[xcupid]

Ask her out one more time. If she says no or cancels then move on. Otherwise, you're wasting your time with her.

[TheBullFrog]

If anyone is still interested.

 

I caved in and texted her at 7pm Sunday night. Just asking her how her weekend was and if she is feeeling better. I noticed she was on whats app until midnight.

 

Around midnight she went on instagram and facebook to post some photos of her friends at some venue. I can see that she has not read my sms text message yet.

 

So it seems like she is more interested in spending time with friends then me, and would rather update social media then message me back. I guess thats fine as in a way we are just dating.

 

Worried as to why why it doesnt show that she read my sms text message, makes me think she may have blocked my number.

 

So the posters that said she is not serious into dating are correct.

 

I know this may sound stupid but im thinking i will wait 24 hours, if she doesnt respond or read my text i might just call her to ask out if everything is ok. I wont get upset at her or anything.

 

Do you think i should just ask her if everything is ok between us (if she answers?)

[Buddhist]

It's Tinder.....no-one uses that to find 'friends'.

[TheBullFrog]

It's Tinder.....no-one uses that to find 'friends'.

 

Yeah i know lol

 

I just wish she used Tinder to use it for a one night stand for me, or to date and potentially be my gf

 

Maybe it was all in my head but it seemed like she was really into me on our last date, and in 24-48 hours she lost interest. Bizarre.

[phineas]

If anyone is still interested.

 

I caved in and texted her at 7pm Sunday night. Just asking her how her weekend was and if she is feeeling better. I noticed she was on whats app until midnight.

 

Around midnight she went on instagram and facebook to post some photos of her friends at some venue. I can see that she has not read my sms text message yet.

 

So it seems like she is more interested in spending time with friends then me, and would rather update social media then message me back. I guess thats fine as in a way we are just dating.

 

Worried as to why why it doesnt show that she read my sms text message, makes me think she may have blocked my number.

 

So the posters that said she is not serious into dating are correct.

 

I know this may sound stupid but im thinking i will wait 24 hours, if she doesnt respond or read my text i might just call her to ask out if everything is ok. I wont get upset at her or anything.

 

Do you think i should just ask her if everything is ok between us (if she answers?)

 

She is just not that into you.

Asking her if everything is ok will guarantee she won't be into you.

 

it's tinder, just message all the other women you match up with & let this woman come to you.

[TheBullFrog]

She is just not that into you.

Asking her if everything is ok will guarantee she won't be into you.

 

it's tinder, just message all the other women you match up with & let this woman come to you.

 

Yeah i guess so. In the past when women were not into me they wouldnt kiss me, or hold hands and the conversations seemed cold. Dont want to sound like a broken but with this girl everything seemed to be going very well.

 

Its eating me up inside, and maybe its oneitites but i just want to try call her again to see if she picks up, but make it a casual call (dont even ask if she is feeling alright).

 

Probably a bad move i know

[Karine26]

If anyone is still interested.

 

I caved in and texted her at 7pm Sunday night. Just asking her how her weekend was and if she is feeeling better. I noticed she was on whats app until midnight.

 

Around midnight she went on instagram and facebook to post some photos of her friends at some venue. I can see that she has not read my sms text message yet.

 

So it seems like she is more interested in spending time with friends then me, and would rather update social media then message me back. I guess thats fine as in a way we are just dating.

 

Worried as to why why it doesnt show that she read my sms text message, makes me think she may have blocked my number.

 

So the posters that said she is not serious into dating are correct.

 

I know this may sound stupid but im thinking i will wait 24 hours, if she doesnt respond or read my text i might just call her to ask out if everything is ok. I wont get upset at her or anything.

 

Do you think i should just ask her if everything is ok between us (if she answers?)

 

Ummm if you're worried that she may have blocked your number why are then going to go out of your way and call her?

 

And there is no need to call her. She is clearly "ok" because she has been out with her friends as she has posted on Social Media. Asking her if everything is ok with you two does make you look kind of needy and like you are waiting around for her like a sad puppy dog, which gives her the sense that she has "power" over you and that she can do what she wants and texts you when she pleases because you will be there waiting. You sound like a nice guy, if you are using Tinder to find something serious go back and give it another shot. Idk where you live but in California I know lots of people who are in serious relationships from Tinder.

 

Good Luck.

[TheBullFrog]

Ummm if you're worried that she may have blocked your number why are then going to go out of your way and call her?

 

And there is no need to call her. She is clearly "ok" because she has been out with her friends as she has posted on Social Media. Asking her if everything is ok with you two does make you look kind of needy and like you are waiting around for her like a sad puppy dog, which gives her the sense that she has "power" over you and that she can do what she wants and texts you when she pleases because you will be there waiting. You sound like a nice guy, if you are using Tinder to find something serious go back and give it another shot. Idk where you live but in California I know lots of people who are in serious relationships from Tinder.

 

Good Luck.

 

Thank you for your response, i appreciate it.

 

I know it sounds pathetic and needy to call her. Maybe im refusing face reality, but i some times think as a south american lady maybe because i dont text enough, or chase hard enough she might take offense to that. Or maybe i may have done something bad in the last few days or said something bad in our texts that offended her.

 

Pathetic i know, classic case of oneititis.

 

I have a day off tomorrow, i could use that as an excuse to come visit her (and an excuse to date her).

 

I feel that i have to options, call her and ignore her, and either option i chose i may upset her and end it.

 

Im so down in the dumps i dont know what went wrong

[TheBullFrog]

Well an update.

 

I texted her Sunday night and got no response and could still see that she never read my sms text i caved in and called her Monday night (a bit more then 24 hours since texting her).

 

She answered the phone but was surprised it was me. She asked me if i am using another phone to contact her? I told i didnt and she seems to think maybe there is a bug with her iphone. Maybe she is telling the truth, maybe she deleted my number for what ever reason, or maybe she put my number to "do not disturb" so i cant bother her. Doubt i will ever find out.

 

We talked for almost an hour. It was a casual chat for most of it. We joked and laughed a lot, like nothing happened. I asked her if everything is ok with her, and in some ways suggested if something was wrong with us. She said last week she was very emotional and upset about life and wanted to be left alone. I should of read the signs and cooled off from texting her a bit too much. She said when she is sad and upset she is a "bad girl" and she apologized.

I believed her story that on Saturday she just locked her self away from everyone and just chilled out all day, she works long hours as a cleaner and is home sick (been here for 5 months). I guess when she comes home at about 7:30pm from a bad day of work she probably isnt into chatting on sms

 

She said first that she wants to go on a date with me this week end, but will get back to me when she finalzes her schedule for work. I then said i wanted to date her as well, Overall i got a good feeling after the conversation and she seemed pretty happy. Afterwards on facebook she liked a whole bunch of new photos of me that i put up, and i did the same to her.

 

So it seems like her work is her number 1 priority so that she can save up money for her Visa, and for now her friends are second priority and im third. Im ok with that, but if we ever get serious i would hope to see more of her.

[TheBullFrog]

Also the whole not recognizing it was me who called her is a bit puzzling, maybe she is right and her iphone went strange. I can kind of believe it as she hasnt even read my sms i sent to her on Sunday. But if she did delete my number maybe she mis understood a text or something i said as her english is very poor unfortunately.

 

In normal circumstances i would wait for her to get back to me about this week ends date, but because of the whole communication problem thing with her phone, maybe i will wait to friday afternoon and call her to see whats up. Or maybe send her a message on whatsapp. It seems there is an issue with our SMSing each other.

 

Very complicated

[TheBullFrog]

I feel embarrassed about the above last conversation i had with the girl.

 

I come off as the biggest desperate clingy creeping looking at the conversation. I wish i could of controlled my emotions better.

 

She seems like she is telling the truth, i will probably never know.

 

I doubt she will call tonight, i doubt i will ever see her again. "Best" case scenario she is confused about me

Edited November 5, 2015 by TheBullFrog

[TheBullFrog]

I feel embarrassed about the above last conversation i had with the girl.

 

I come off as the biggest desperate clingy creeping looking at the conversation. I wish i could of controlled my emotions better.

 

She seems like she is telling the truth, i will probably never know.

 

I doubt she will call tonight, i doubt i will ever see her again. "Best" case scenario she is confused about me

 

Sorry to bump this topic again....

 

I cant remember how it got to this but we had a big massive conversation on facebook messenger on thursday. (I deleted the photos of our conversation that i mentioned above)

 

She is too busy with her new job, no time for her friends, me, dating other guys or her self. She said she didnt know if she loved me as a friend or more and is confused. She said i was an amazing person, but there was no passion between us. She said she is not sure if she can have a relationship right now in her life. She said that after she gets her visa sorted and cuts down on her working hours she can start dating me in December and we can decide then. We agreed to speak on the phone the next day about "us". I didnt expect for her to call me and i expected to never hear from her again.

I forgot to mention that i told her that i was very interested in her and wanted to be more than friends e.g. found her attractive and liked her. I told her i didnt want to be friends only

 

The next day(friday) she called me: and we spoke for 2 hours on the phone. She revealed some personal information about her self, mentally she is in a dark place right now (depression and needs medicine to feel better some days). Red flag.

We talked about fun stuff, life, relationships. She said with all of her past relationships all of her boyfriends started out as friends (true or not). As mentioned before we agreed that we will continue to date again in december when she gets her visa sorted and can get less working hours. I kind of new it was a lost cause or getting that way. 1 month of not seeing her = lost all attraction.

 

It made me realize with this girl its better to talk on the phone then text, as she can organize/plan for her day while she is talking to me.

 

Surprisingly she called me on Saturday morning and invited me for dinner and drinks at her place with her best friend (female). I arrived at her place but had a few quick beers before to spark me up. When we met i didnt know what to do as i thought i was friendzoned, but we kissed on the lips when we first met.

 

Her friend is cool, she said how this girl i am "dating" always talks about me all the time, joked how we would be a great couple. Joked how the girl i am dating is good at sucking dick, has a sweet vagina lol. So it seems she was trying to help us, or help the girl like me more. Im thinking maybe its a good sign that i met her best friend and she thinks highly of me?

 

The friend went to sleep (in the same room were the girl sleeps) and i moved closer to the girl im "dating". I started to get really cold and she put her arms around me and grabbed my hand. I then started kissing her on the lips. We did that for 10 minutes. While we where kissing she said i was an amazing person.

 

I didnt try to escalate because i drank too much whisky, the girl was visibly tired and worked early the next morning

[TheBullFrog]

2 days after date 5 (Monday) call her to see how she is going. Doesn’t answer my call but returns it in 5 minutes. We chat for 30 minutes. Tells me her best friend really likes me. Overall a good feel from the conversation. I tell her that when she answered the door in her towel after coming out of the shower she looked sexy and she said she was blushing a lot. Later she took a photo of the food she cooked and sent it to me. In the conversation she said we should talk more tomorrow. She had to go to have a shower and sleep for work the next day. However i noticed that she was on facebook and whats app for another 2 hours

 

 

Next day (Tuesday) i call her at night. The phone rings a few times, she picks up and hangs up the phone. This seems a bit weird so i send her a message on whats app asking how she is going. She replied back sorry that she couldn’t answer because she was in another call. Bit of small talk for 5 minutes via msging. Asked her if she wanted to talk on the phone but she said she had to go to sleep soon because she had a very busy day at work tomorrow etc. I said that was no problem and told her i called her because she had asked me the day before. She said she forgot about that and apologised and said that she would like to speak on the weekend. I agreed and said lets try Friday night.

 

 

Same deal notice that she was on whatsapp and facebook for a few more hours after that.

 

 

 

I don’t really care that she was online after telling me on both nights she needed to go to sleep, but it does sound weird.

 

 

 

In regards to the phone calls, again i don’t care that i don’t get to talk to her every night, but i only started doing this because when we had our “talk” on facebbook chat she said she liked getting texted every day and wanted me to call her every day. Bit weird that she now wants a bit of space and always needs to sleep.

 

 

I guess i wont contact her until Friday night(weekend) as she suggested.

[TheBullFrog]

My opinion is that its a case of the girl working too long and on weekends, and its making her depressed/sad. This is of course is ruining the flow/progression of our dates.

 

I dont think i am friendzoned, but im getting dangerously close. Maybe im just being used as attention or a back up plan.

 

But after speaking to her on the phone for 2 hours i think we understand each other a bit better. I believe most of what she has to say.

 

I think the best plan is to call her on the phone once a week, and then try to get a date. If she seems more interested in me then i can maybe call her two times a week. I will continue to date her until December, if nothing happens by then i will ask whats happening and dissapear if i dont get what i want.