kale Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 So, we're in a long distance relationship where I see her for 7-9 days a month. It's not horrible, but it's not ideal. We spent 4 months living together in Boston when we first started dating and everything was perfect. We have everything in common-- music, games, interests, movies, shows, personalities. We never used to clash. But at some point down the line, and I think this is mostly my fault, I stopped really opening up. We fell into a routine because of it, and sort of went through the motions. We used to be obsessed with each other, until recently. It was a problem for her that sometimes I would forget to call her before bed to say goodnight, or text her in the morning to wish her well-- small things like that. Eventually, I got on-board with the entire thing and started going out of my way to do those things every single day. It was great. After we were apart, we would still argue over small things, general miscommunications-- but we were both extremely happy when we were together. 10 days ago she was cleaning her room, and eventually disappeared and stopped answering. Naturally, I assumed she fell asleep at some point. I still called her when I went to bed, but no response. I was pretty upset with her in the morning, I wasn't mean, but I made it clear that I was in a bad mood because of it. She was not happy that I was upset about it. It was exactly as if we had switched roles at some point-- now instead of her getting upset at me for not picking up or not calling her, it was me doing the same to her. After this happened, she decided that she wants to take time for herself to think about things, and that we should remain together in the meantime. This entire thing is beginning to take a toll on me. She has been dropping hints on me that she wants certain things, and I've made every effort to pamper her; she told me that her hands and feet were messed up and sore from work, and that she needs a manipedi, so I booked one for her. I've been trying to listen to her and respect her wishes, but without trying to take up too much space in her life. We made plans to see eachother in a week, and she asked if I would give her a full-body massage-- I said of course. She then told me that she believes she just reached a breaking point, and that in time she will be back to normal. But yesterday, out of the blue, she told me that she feels invisible. As if no one cares what she wants. When it comes to this relationship, she said that it feels like she only has one choice. I told her that if she wants to go her own way, then I will respect that decision, I want to be her life partner, not her prison warden. After this, she told me that maybe it would be best if I started seeing other people to figure things out. I wasn't really happy with this, but as soon as I finally relented and said fine, she tells me to forget the idea. She then apologized for what happened earlier and said she overreacted-- then she told me to just respect what she wants. As of right now, I have no clue what is going on in her head. She tells me she is still in love with me, but that she is dealing with other feelings as well (being alone and figuring herself out). The problem is, I can't stay in this state of limbo much longer. We used to be such a passionate couple-- we exuded love. I need that. But I'm not getting it from her anymore, it's like a switch has been turned off since she decided she needed space. A week ago I would be asking what I need to do to get this relationship back to where it once was-- but that's a naive question to ask. The real question is, do I stay here in this limbo and continue to give her all of myself? Do I stay in limbo and keep my distance? Or do I take the initiative and pull out of this? My dream scenario is to obviously have the love of my life back and for us both to be happy. Tonight we had a conversation where she told me she thinks she might want to be single, but she's still in love with me and doesn't know what to do. She also said that she has done this in her other relationships, where she just reaches a breaking point and starts to feel nothing, but this is the first time that is also in love at the same time. I'm under the impression that I should give her some space, but still try to remind her of the things that pulled us together in the first place. We have plans to see each other in a week, and I'm confident that physical contact might help remedy the situation. tl;dr: Girlfriend and I of 2 years had been experiencing small problems over miscommunications, fights, etc. She decides she needs space to figure herself out, but she wants to remain together and is still in love with me-- just experiencing conflicting emotions about the relationship. Made plans to see her next week, she asked me to give her a full-body massage, then seems to think she is trapped into having only one choice, I have no idea what to do.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Her telling you to see other people is a bad sign. It means one of two things: A) a dramatic and immature ploy to get a reaction from you B) she is thinking of seeing other people Yeah, she apologized for that after but clearly the idea is in her head or she wouldn't have said it. It sounds to me like she might be outgrowing this relationship but doesn't really know how to deal with these feelings. She doesn't make sense - she's in love with you but might want to be single? Sorry, no. You have to see how that is contradictory. There is something else in the equation here. Either she's not really in love anymore or perhaps another person has caught her eye and she's feeling torn. I would give her space but make it crystal clear that you will not wait around forever for her to make a decision about what she wants while expecting you to still be her boyfriend. That's not fair to you.
basil67 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I think that the long distance thing isn't meeting her needs. You could probably turn cartwheels for her over skype, but it's not the same thing as being there for her. It's time to break it off. Get yourself our of limbo and make her decision for her. 1
Author kale Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 I forgot to mention that we made plans to see each other in a week. I'm going to wait until then to decide. If things go sour, then I'm going to pull out and go no contact. This sucks guys.
mightycpa Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 (edited) You'd better prepare a speech and an action plan in the meantime, because I get the sense that you're going to travel long distance, give that full body massage and then get your pink slip right after that. Imagine her surprise when you immediately excuse yourself to go get something from your car, and return with a box for your things, give your well-rehearsed 30 second speech that begins with Matilda, you beat me to it...betraying no surprise and no weakness, then block her from your phone while she responds, and turn on your heels and go. Then you can cry in the car on your way home. Might as well go out strong, and on your own terms, rather than snivelling and crying about it. Edited October 30, 2015 by mightycpa
Satu Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 This long distance relationship isn't working, and isn't giving either of you what you need and want. Relationships need ongoing bonding behaviours to continue, and most of those behaviours rely on both parties being physically present. How many times a day do partners touch each other, if only very briefly? How many times a day do they help each other with something? Taking the lid of the jar, putting the shopping away, chatting over dinner, cuddling up on the sofa? You should either be together or part company. Take care.
NoLeafClover Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Am I the only one who thinks she is interested or talking to someone else? She sure has played the idea in her head.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2015 Posted October 31, 2015 Am I the only one who thinks she is interested or talking to someone else? She sure has played the idea in her head. I also speculated about that.
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