tuxedo cat Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 (edited) 32 F living in NYC. I signed up for OKCupid last week and Tinder today. New to online dating. I'm completely overwhelmed with messages and don't know how to sort them or space out dates. I've received 150 messages on Tinder, and about 10 from promising guys. 250 messages on OKCupid and maybe 6 promising ones. It's nice to have options but it's just way, way too much, and corresponding with all these dudes is taking up hours of my day that I don't have to spare. I haven't met with anyone yet because I'm kind of dreading it and feel like once I meet with one I have to meet with all. I have 3-4 dates lined up for next week but probably 4 or so other guys who I've agreed to also meet with at some unspecified date. How exactly do I space them out? I don't want to be on a date every night of the week. But I feel like if I delay with some of these guys or don't respond to their messages immediately they'll think I'm uninterested and lose interest themselves. Is it acceptable for me to like pick a handful of guys to meet with first and then wait a couple of weeks to respond to the remainders? Edited October 30, 2015 by tuxedo cat 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Take your time. In my experience, most men respond even if you take a while to answer their initial message. Schedule quick coffee/drink dates to start. Most of them won't be a match for whatever reason. 3
neowulf Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 32 F living in NYC. I signed up for OKCupid last week and Tinder today. New to online dating. I'm completely overwhelmed with messages and don't know how to sort them or space out dates. I've received 150 messages on Tinder, and about 10 from promising guys. 250 messages on OKCupid and maybe 6 promising ones. It's nice to have options but it's just way, way too much, and corresponding with all these dudes is taking up hours of my day that I don't have to spare. I haven't met with anyone yet because I'm kind of dreading it and feel like once I meet with one I have to meet with all. I have 3-4 dates lined up for next week but probably 4 or so other guys who I've agreed to also meet with at some unspecified date. How exactly do I space them out? I don't want to be on a date every night of the week. But I feel like if I delay with some of these guys or don't respond to their messages immediately they'll think I'm uninterested and lose interest themselves. Is it acceptable for me to like pick a handful of guys to meet with first and then wait a couple of weeks to respond to the remainders? Well, firstly, figure out roughly how many dates a week you think you realistically want to go on. If it's 3, then you pick the 3 you like best and just let the rest go. True, some of those guys might just move on, but then again, who's to say you would have clicked with them anyway. It's rough, but that's the nature of online dating for women. Best not to think about the people you're "missing out on". 1
h0000 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I only reply to 2 or 3 guys and ignore all other messages. Not overwhelming to me at all lol 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 My advice.... If you were the type at a bar where you weren't constantly hit on then this might be overwhelming. With online dating you never know until you meet face to face...doesn't matter how good it seems in texts or emails or phone calls. The best option, talk to guys briefly then set up a time yo meet. Don't spend hours talking before dating. In your initial talk know what you want to ask to screen people out and find the ones who have eats important to you. Another thing.... How are you when you shop and see a blouse you like...do you just buy it or do you want yo check what the prices are at. 4 other stores? If you are the latter then be careful with the grass is greener mentality with online dating snd trying to find faults instead of qualities. You should have some core values and wants that a partner should match like...similar morals and religious views, wants to have kids, etc. . Also find someone who shares a fore interest or value you do. For example if you like to do something like ski or snowboard you really should find someone who will want to do it to. There are some interests you have that could be sacrificed if the other doesn't like it. Similar thing could be causes you value like recycling or you regularly volunteer at a shelter. 2
Author tuxedo cat Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 My advice.... If you were the type at a bar where you weren't constantly hit on then this might be overwhelming. With online dating you never know until you meet face to face...doesn't matter how good it seems in texts or emails or phone calls. The best option, talk to guys briefly then set up a time yo meet. Don't spend hours talking before dating. In your initial talk know what you want to ask to screen people out and find the ones who have eats important to you. Another thing.... How are you when you shop and see a blouse you like...do you just buy it or do you want yo check what the prices are at. 4 other stores? If you are the latter then be careful with the grass is greener mentality with online dating snd trying to find faults instead of qualities. You should have some core values and wants that a partner should match like...similar morals and religious views, wants to have kids, etc. . Also find someone who shares a fore interest or value you do. For example if you like to do something like ski or snowboard you really should find someone who will want to do it to. There are some interests you have that could be sacrificed if the other doesn't like it. Similar thing could be causes you value like recycling or you regularly volunteer at a shelter. I'm definitely the check what prices are at 4 other stores type. I'm pretty indecisive which is why this is overwhelming. I agree that finding out if they share my values is key but how exactly do you discuss that on a first or second date? I feel like it will scare guys off.
neowulf Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I'm definitely the check what prices are at 4 other stores type. I'm pretty indecisive which is why this is overwhelming. I agree that finding out if they share my values is key but how exactly do you discuss that on a first or second date? I feel like it will scare guys off. I like to try a "show" vs "tell" approach. I like to think it goes a little like this; First date, do I feel attracted at all in person? Is the conversation flowing, are we enjoying ourselves. Are we at ease or are things tense? Do I feel any chemistry? If things look positive, then you go for a second date. The thing to remember is.. men are NOT nearly as flighty as a lot of women tend to think they are. If a man is really into you, you'll have to chase him off with a sharp stick Just be honest about who you are and what you want. The rest will flow. 1
theredpill Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 As a man I tend to screen women before I meet, few messages, quick call and then make a date for that week. I keep all dates relatively short, 2 drinks and I know whether they're either in or out, if they're in and I like them I'll extend the date and we'll go to another venue. Any signs of neediness before we meet and I'll ignore or block, many times I've given unsolicited advise for clear self control issues only to get abuse from someone I've never even met. I disagree completely with the above comment about chasing women and the requirement for pointy sticks (these guys will become stalkers in the most part) real men will pursue in a gentlemanly fashion, one date a week, they'll be open in their intent with minimal contact in between dates, contact will increase naturally, rather than forced by over pursuing. Women chase, men pursue when the woman gives them the signal. Men who chase are actually acting more like women and many of my female friends tell me this is a massive turn off for them, they like the guys they know like them, but don't chase because they have self control. 1
neowulf Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 (edited) As a man I tend to screen women before I meet, few messages, quick call and then make a date for that week. I keep all dates relatively short, 2 drinks and I know whether they're either in or out, if they're in and I like them I'll extend the date and we'll go to another venue. Any signs of neediness before we meet and I'll ignore or block, many times I've given unsolicited advise for clear self control issues only to get abuse from someone I've never even met. I disagree completely with the above comment about chasing women and the requirement for pointy sticks (these guys will become stalkers in the most part) real men will pursue in a gentlemanly fashion, one date a week, they'll be open in their intent with minimal contact in between dates, contact will increase naturally, rather than forced by over pursuing. Women chase, men pursue when the woman gives them the signal. Men who chase are actually acting more like women and many of my female friends tell me this is a massive turn off for them, they like the guys they know like them, but don't chase because they have self control. Well, I was being a little hyperbolic in an attempt at humour Clearly I shouldn't give up my day job. What I was getting at is that a lot of women seem to freak out about "scaring men off". I disagree. I believe a woman should be confident in who she is and what she brings to the table. If it's going to work, it's going to work. You can't play the game with sweaty palms, hoping you don't "scare away" the other party. Spend that energy trying to figure out if you even *like* the guy on the other side of the table. Not to mention your examples of "women chasing" and men pursing? Did you mean "choosing". Because that makes a lot more sense. Which feeds back into my original statement. If a guy is into you, he'll give you the benefit of the doubt. You don't have to freak out too much about scaring him off. Just don't a) talk about marriage and b) take the whole thing too seriously Dating should be fun! Edited October 30, 2015 by neowulf 1
PegNosePete Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I agree that finding out if they share my values is key but how exactly do you discuss that on a first or second date? I feel like it will scare guys off. If they get scared off then they clearly don't share your values, and you've succeeded in your mission of finding out if they share your values or not. If you've got so much interest then why not ask about it before meeting? Only meet the top prospects. 1
SwordofFlame Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Well, I was being a little hyperbolic in an attempt at humour Clearly I shouldn't give up my day job. What I was getting at is that a lot of women seem to freak out about "scaring men off". I disagree. I believe a woman should be confident in who she is and what she brings to the table. If it's going to work, it's going to work. You can't play the game with sweaty palms, hoping you don't "scare away" the other party. Spend that energy trying to figure out if you even *like* the guy on the other side of the table. Not to mention your examples of "women chasing" and men pursing? Did you mean "choosing". Because that makes a lot more sense. Which feeds back into my original statement. If a guy is into you, he'll give you the benefit of the doubt. You don't have to freak out too much about scaring him off. Just don't a) talk about marriage and b) take the whole thing too seriously Dating should be fun! You'll probably scare off the guys who were only looking for something casual anyway. In regards to OP's message, I won't mind a late response a week or two later. Of course the danger is that the guy has already met someone better. Nothing you can do there.
BlueIris Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 If there are lots of possibilities, consider asking for their numbers and have phone conversations first. You’ll narrow the field dramatically because you learn a lot in even a 30 minute conversation. If someone says something jaw-droppingly awful, at least you can drop your jaw in the privacy of your own home.
fitnessfan365 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 If there are lots of possibilities, consider asking for their numbers and have phone conversations first. You’ll narrow the field dramatically because you learn a lot in even a 30 minute conversation. If someone says something jaw-droppingly awful, at least you can drop your jaw in the privacy of your own home. THIS.. I always talk on the phone first before meeting in person because I see it as a huge time saver. If you don't like talking to the person on the phone, then you don't have to waste time on a bad date. I remember one time when I called a woman I met online and she was a bit out of breath when she answered. So I asked if she was OK. She said she was with her kids walking back from the police station because she just had to bail her ex husband out of jail. I told her I had another call come in and that I had to run.
theredpill Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Apologies if I took your comments out of context Neowulf, clearly read too quickly without thought I'm forever trying to convince friends who aren't that successful, chasing too much is hurting their potential relationships in the beginning and usually they don't listen and I get the one that got away shenanigans for months. Women know we like them, they just know because they're so much more intuitive in that way, I'm actually quite jealous of the skill. What one of the women I dated said was she knew what was going on and the chase for her is to get the man to reveal his true feelings over time, the man that spills too soon, it's game over in most cases.
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