Men: What are some signs that you've fallen out of love?

[kalika]

Just a question for the men here.

 

When you stopped loving your girlfriend or spouse:

 

-How did you know that you no longer loved her?

-How did you treat her differently when you were out of love vs. when you loved her?

-When did you decide to end the relationship, if you did end it? Was it immediate or did it take a while after you realized you didn't love her? If you didn't end it immediately, why not?

-When you're in love, how do you show it?

-When you're NOT in love, how do you show it?

 

Thanks ..

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Just a question for the men here.

 

When you stopped loving your girlfriend or spouse:

 

-How did you know that you no longer loved her?

-How did you treat her differently when you were out of love vs. when you loved her?

-When did you decide to end the relationship, if you did end it? Was it immediate or did it take a while after you realized you didn't love her? If you didn't end it immediately, why not?

-When you're in love, how do you show it?

-When you're NOT in love, how do you show it?

 

Thanks ..

 

Hard question to answer for me as I'm not fully sure I'm in love with my wife now. And thinking back, I'm not sure I was in love when we decided to get the government involved in our relationship either (marriage). I just love her, there is no more in love. Well I shouldn't say there is no more. Maybe it's just on hold for a while, who knows. That feeling may come back. But I doubt it after this long.

 

Reminds me of an old Doug Stanhope joke where he talks about the best feeling in the world is love. There is nothing, no drug or anything else that can compare to the best feeling in the world which is falling in love. And when you get married, you are promising each other you will never feel the greatest feeling in the world, the greatest feeling you will ever feel in your lifetime. You promise to never ever have the best feeling in the world ever again. I reflect on this joke at times. It hits so close to home sometimes.

 

 

Anyway, when when I was in love, my every thought revolved around her. Every mundane task after mundane day. Regardless of what was going on, I was on top of the world. I had that love. That infatuation where your body is just kicking into high gear. Dopamine is just kicking your ass, and omg its the best feeling ever. There is nothing else like it. Nothing can bring you down when you think of her (or him for those of you) other then not being with that person. This to me is the real love people experience in life. I dont really care how this sounds, but I could never love my own kids that much. Of course I would die for them, no question. But no amount of love I will ever feel for them could compare to "that feeling."

 

So how did I know? Her not being there no longer crushed me. The thought of her not in my life no longer caused any stress. I can comfortably imagine her not ever being there again. Not that this is what I want. I want nothing more then to be able to look back on life with someone who went through it with me, and someone who I was there for always as well. Sometimes I need to remind myself of this, sure. But I can tell you I would live quite a happy life without her. There would be some very fun and exciting days without her there that won't happen with her there that's for sure.

 

But it is odd to imagine her not there. That's how I know I still love her. I want her to always be there. And I want to be there for her always. Doesn't mean I'm in love with her. And I don't subscribe to this argument that "the infatuation grows into something with more meaning" and things like that you read. That's a BS coping statement to me. Coping with the fact that you will never experience the best feeling in life ever again. Rationalizing your new feelings for this person as better. I don't agree at all, but I also don't believe in true love. Because nobody is that lucky lol. Nobody can have that feeling for 10,25,50+ years about their SO. I mean, what would you trade in life to have that feeling 24/7? Cause I would trade everything! Are you kidding? Real, true love where you are just indefinitely infatuated with with your spouse. Man, I can't imagine a better life!

 

This is a fun topic for me. I gets me thinking about life and such. Planned a surprise birthday trip for just us, no kids this weekend. The feelings always come back, if only a distant echo, when we get away just the two of us. Still my favorite times in life, and probably always will be. That is why I'm still hopeful I can experience that feeling once again, maybe when the kids are old and moved out. Perhaps I can find that ultimate love for her again. One can always deam eh?

[minimariah]

I just love her, there is no more in love.

 

so you don't love her. if you do not love your wife in a romantic way - you do not love her. your care for her isn't love... i will honestly never understand why people have such a hard time admitting that.

 

"i love you but I'm not in love with you" = i don't love you but I don't hate you either so I'll "split" love into "love" & "in love" and hopefully, you'll buy that story and leave me alone.

 

But it is odd to imagine her not there. That's how I know I still love her.

 

this is a very definition of a HABIT, not love.

 

I want her to always be there. And I want to be there for her always. Doesn't mean I'm in love with her. And I don't subscribe to this argument that "the infatuation grows into something with more meaning" and things like that you read.

 

but being in love isn't the same thing as infatuation. infatuation is the very beginning stage of being in love and it eventually grows into mature love -- but you keep being IN love... that romantic part never goes away. if you're with the right person, the passion can actually continue to live on and on... it is far from enough to build a happy home though.

 

confusing infatuation and thinking that it is a vital part of love is actually a very immature view of love.

 

Perhaps I can find that ultimate love for her again. One can always deam eh?

 

instead of trying to find something that's clearly gone, what don't you work with those feelings you DO have and create something new... in a more mature direction?

 

better yet, why don't you finally open the Pandora box and address the issues that made you fall out of love in the first place?

[OldRover]

so you don't love her. if you do not love your wife in a romantic way - you do not love her. your care for her isn't love... i will honestly never understand why people have such a hard time admitting that.

 

"i love you but I'm not in love with you" = i don't love you but I don't hate you either so I'll "split" love into "love" & "in love" and hopefully, you'll buy that story and leave me alone.

 

 

 

....................

 

Minimariah,

 

You make a good point, but just because your not "in love" with someone, doesn't mean you can't love them. The romantic side may be gone, but the caring and concern for them lasts. You can call that whatever you want, but "In Love" vs "Love" pretty well says it.

 

I know lots of folks that separated from their SO, divorced, but still love them. They care, and would still do things for them. They don't love them in the romantic sense, and don't date or sleep with them. That's still love.

 

I could argue strongly that for a good relationship to last your need to be "in love", with the romantic stuff and put 110% into the relationship. That always has to be worked on and improved as time goes on. Often that work is not hard, but it's fun. You WANT to be with them, do things for them, take care of them, make love with them, hug them and are concerned about their well being.

 

The "in love" stops when something gets in the way of the efforts to keep improving the relationship. That could be many things, but when one lets those stopping points enter the relationship, things go down hill. That stopping point could be anything, from a bad habit to an affair. And when the desire is gone, the "in love" is gone. However, it CAN be rebuilt.

 

I feel that the OP was more in defining "In Love" and there's lots of characteristics that come out when a person is falling out of "In Love"

 

The intimacy declines

The effort to do things for your partner declines (especially ones that you don't like.

The constant attention slows or stops. No more hello or good bye kisses/hugs, no more "how are you doing".

The feeling of just not wanting to be with them increases.

You don't look at them as a SO, but more of a roommate, or just someone that is taking up space in your life.

 

It can be over a long time or short time, and it can be significant (as I hate you), to more subtle (I don't hate you but can live with you).

 

Many here have been through this (including myself) and I'm sure there will be comments on it.

[minimariah]

You make a good point, but just because your not "in love" with someone, doesn't mean you can't love them. The romantic side may be gone, but the caring and concern for them lasts.

 

i understand and i agree with you. you're absolutely right.

 

however, those feelings you just described aren't love to me. what good is that love to me if you don't love me the way you're supposed to?

 

if we are in a romantic relationship and you don't love romantically and leave me... for example, what good is your "love" for me in terms of care and such?

 

that's why i wrote that prople are often scared to say a simple "i don't love you anymore" which does not translate into "i don't care if you're living or breathing" - you know? of course you have a certain amount of care for the person you spent a huge chuck of your life with, that's normal. but those feelings can hardly be labeled as love - it just confuses the person being dumped and gives them false hope.

 

"i love you but not in love with you" - why just not say "i don't love you anymore but i'll always care for you and help you in any way i can"

 

because it's a huge difference for me.

 

i hope this is not offtopic too much, i'd love to hear different opinions on this.

[understand50]

Just a question for the men here.

 

When you stopped loving your girlfriend or spouse:

 

-How did you know that you no longer loved her?

-How did you treat her differently when you were out of love vs. when you loved her?

-When did you decide to end the relationship, if you did end it? Was it immediate or did it take a while after you realized you didn't love her? If you didn't end it immediately, why not?

-When you're in love, how do you show it?

-When you're NOT in love, how do you show it?

 

Thanks ..

 

 

I have "fallen" in and out of Love with my wife for over 40 years. I think the idea that you must be infatuated 24/7 with the other is bunk. There are times that I need to be with her, and she me. The are other times we enjoy being apart. I have fallen in lust with other women several times, but know it is just a attraction, and have never acted on it. I am sure she has as well.

 

What love is over the long haul, is a commitment to each other. A marriage and relationship that lets you find love over and over again. When I am "out" of love, I look at old pictures of us together and remember what we had. I always fall back in "love". I think the folks that break up over and over again, just confuse the "lust" and love, with what they really want, a deep life long relationship that will change with time but with work, can be what each of you make of it. Many will not work on their relationship, and just hope things happen. If you are not feeling "it" for the other, then plan dates or things so you can. A marriage and relationship is over when one or other, or both decide that it not worth working on.

 

Am I in love with my wife right at this time? Yes, will I be next month? maybe, but I will be committed, and know that love will come again.

 

My 2 cents worth.

[GorillaTheater]

I have "fallen" in and out of Love with my wife for over 40 years. I think the idea that you must be infatuated 24/7 with the other is bunk. There are times that I need to be with her, and she me. The are other times we enjoy being apart. I have fallen in lust with other women several times, but know it is just a attraction, and have never acted on it. I am sure she has as well.

 

What love is over the long haul, is a commitment to each other. A marriage and relationship that lets you find love over and over again. When I am "out" of love, I look at old pictures of us together and remember what we had. I always fall back in "love". I think the folks that break up over and over again, just confuse the "lust" and love, with what they really want, a deep life long relationship that will change with time but with work, can be what each of you make of it. Many will not work on their relationship, and just hope things happen. If you are not feeling "it" for the other, then plan dates or things so you can. A marriage and relationship is over when one or other, or both decide that it not worth working on.

 

Am I in love with my wife right at this time? Yes, will I be next month? maybe, but I will be committed, and know that love will come again.

 

My 2 cents worth.

 

Well said. My marriage is about a decade younger than yours, but we have been through those cycles as well. There have been times when my wife has contemplated divorce, and I have as well, and we certainly weren't "in love" with the other in those moments, nor in others when we weren't exactly giving thought to the nuclear option.

 

And there have other moments when we have made each others' day with a smile.

 

You're absolutely right: it's the commitment and yes, hope, that's present whether we're in love or not.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I never stated I don't love my wife in a romantic way. We are boarding a plane in 8 hours to get some alone time. There will be plenty romance. And I'm not talking about sex (that is a given). I'm talking about just being with each other without distractions of work and kids, and everything that comes with that. I do love my wife. I just think my definition of what "in love" is, is different then yours.

 

I will say this, I wouldn't trade my wife for that feeling with another woman. Its either I can experience that infatuated/honeymoon stage with my wife again, or I won't experience it again at all. I don't think it's wrong of me to search for it either. Like I said, its the best feeling life gives you in my opinion. If we can spark that type of crazy in love feeling between us again, would be amazing. That isn't to discount the love we currently have at all.

 

Some couples DO get that crazy state of love back later in life with their spouses. I sure hope we do as well. Maybe once the kids are off on their own, and life is settled back down. It may never be as crazy intense as it once was, but I get flashes of those old feelings when we go on our trips together. And I know she does as well, cause its palatable. Like when you are around those people who are in the middle of that infatuated/honeymoon stage. They just have this different energy about them, others feel it. That's how strong it is. I often see far away looks in the eyes of married men and women and hear comments like "ahhh, young love". Or " oh to be young and in love again" things like that. That doesn't mean they don't love their spouses, and indeed what they have might be much stronger then the new young love couple. Yet they get that far away look, probably remembering the feelings they once had, and longing for them again. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I don't think it means they no longer love with their spouse.

 

You can split love in many different ways btw. The way I love my mom is different then how I love my kids, is different from how I love my wife. There are many different feelings that love brings, and many types of love. Your definition of what it means to be in love would apply to my relationship. My definition of what it means to be in love is simply different then yours. I dont think either of us is wrong or right. Thats just our personal beliefs on the subject. Call me immature all you want, I'll continue to search for that honeymoon state with my wife until I die. If it happens, then goes away, I'll continue the search from there again. To me that shows I do love her romantically. I only want to experience that with her. But by my definition of what "in love" means, we don't have that feeling currently.

 

For the record, I don't believe it's wise to get married in that state of "in love" from my point of view. We certainly didn't, and I wouldn't trade my marriage for anything. The best thing that has ever and will ever happen to me in life is I met my wife, we fell in love, and both decided that we didn't want to spend our lives with any other after the "in love" state went away. To me that is romantic. A decision based not on being "in love" but rarher having love, and only wanting to experience that blissful state of "in love" with each other.

 

But enough about me lol, we are getting off topic. I just tried to answer honestly from my perspective on things and what it means to me to be "in love."

[William]

Folks, let's respond to the starting post without parsing other member's responses in a critical and unwelcoming fashion. One, it's off-topic because the thread starter asked for males to describe some signs that they've fallen out of love. Two, it's disrespectful. If any particular member wishes advice or discussion on their marriage, they are free to start a thread on that topic. This is a Q&A thread. Female members can start their own thread about signs that they've fallen out of love. These threads are unlimited and free to all members.

 

Thanks in advance for your cooperation with this moderation directive. Also, since the thread mentioned girlfriends in addition to wives, and the thread starter isn't discussing their own marriage or life partnership, I'll move this to GRD.

Edited October 30, 2015 by William

[dichotomy]

kalika

 

Can you give me your definition of love - or being in love. You seem to indicate feelings and then mention actions. The two are not always tied.

[Miss Peach]

I read a book by a therapist (I want to say it was Dr. Pat Allen but I may be wrong) that said love is making a serious of promises and upholding them. I always thought that was an interesting way to think about it.

[kalika]

Thanks for the responses so far everyone. I guess I worded the initial question poorly.

 

My intention was to be specific to long term partnerships (married or otherwise).

 

Obviously, at some point everyone "falls in love" - but this is fleeting and temporary. I'm trying to find out more about how men acted - or realized - when they no longer LOVED (versus being "in love with") their partner.

 

For example - were you less communicative? Did you do more things by yourself/without her? Did you care less about her needs? Did you neglect her emotionally or physically? .. How did you realize that you didn't love her any more, was it a gradual knowledge or a sudden realization? What triggered you to realize you didn't actually love her any more? etc.. That kind of thing.. I'm sorry to be so confusing.

 

This whole thing came about because I was watching Dr. Phil with my boyfriend of 5+ years) and it was an episode where a woman had an affair, in some part because she felt her husband had abandoned the relationship, which he admitted to doing. My boyfriend - after hearing the husband admit that he neglected his wife - piped up with, "He doesn't love her any more, that's why he treated her like that. He doesn't love her any more."

 

When I heard this, I felt numb. My boyfriend didn't realize it, but that's exactly how he's treated me - for a long time. He's just like the neglectful husband on Dr. Phil. We hardly speak any more. If he talks to me it's never about me or my day; it's always about his business. He never says he loves me. We have had sex I think once in probably about 4 months. He doesn't seem to give a damn about me or my needs.

 

I guess deep down I'm kind of wondering if he already knows he doesn't love me and just hasn't admitted it out loud to me yet. I think I stopped loving him a long time ago but I honestly don't know.

Edited October 31, 2015 by kalika