LeesaG Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 I'm really driving myself nuts trying to figure out what to do about my partner and I. I've been in a relationship with him for about two years now - I am his first partner. I'm 21 and he is 23. We both work in IT and we're both the 'quiet type'. In the beginning he was quite keen on me, and very affectionate. It's been tapering off and tapering off, and now he's hardly affectionate at all. It only took a couple of months to stop being affectionate, as if the novelty of a girlfriend wore off. He's not a very open person. Not once in two years has he needed any form of emotional support. Not once has he been angry at something and needed to vent. A few of his friends have also told me he's pretty closed up. I realise he hasn't had any experience with girls, so I've been working away to try and get him to open up a little bit and be a bit more affectionate. It's going okay, but he's just not paying me enough attention any more. I organised a day with mutual friends that we've met online. I arranged to go bowling, then have dinner together and then go see Star Wars III. Now at these events, we usually take his car... but this once I asked to take my car. This just wasn't good enough for him, to the extent that he said I could take my car, and he'd take his car. As in, going in separate cars. We were going to the same place! He's obsessed with his car. Everything he does revolves around his car. I can't get him to compromise. It's even as petty as which seat we sit at at a table in a foodcourt. If we sit at a table with a bench on one side and stools on the other, he'll take the bench. The first time I ever sat down before him, I took the bench. He didn't want to sit on the stool, so he sat at another table on the bench seat! He just can't bloody compromise and I think he is being really selfish here! He refuses to see a counsellor. When I suggested it he was very insulting about refusing to go see one... yet I really want to save this relationship. It's as if he's completely lost interest in me, but won't admit it. If I tell him I'm tired of the relationship and I'm getting nowhere... he just says "ok" and doesn't try to patch things up at all. If we have an argument and don't speak for days... he literally won't attempt to contact me. Days and days will go by before I finally give in first and contact him. I think I'm just fighting a losing battle here. Am I wasting my time with someone who is putting in ZERO effort?
Author LeesaG Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 One thing I'll add is that his parents aren't affectioante towards each other at all. Every time I've been to his parents' house.... they're barely in the same room as each other. I've never seen them talk to each other let alone hug each other. It just doesn't happen. I imagine he's grown up in this environment and has the same mindset. He never tells me he misses me, he never says "i'd like to see you". It took me over a year to get him to approach me for a hug, rather than me hugging him, as he said he had no desire for hugs unless they were hello/goodbye hugs. ..... ?! It's so confusing. Shouldn't he have some sort of desire to show his feelings if he did infact have any?
moimeme Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Um. This isn't a relationship. You can try until you're blue in the face but you won't change him. So understand that this isn't a relationship and move on.
Author LeesaG Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 I know. I've known for a long time that he's not as "into" me as I think a partner should be, but I'm the type of person to keep working at it rather than giving up. I can't just walk away not knowing what's wrong - I really need to find out why he's acting this way. - Is this just how he thinks a relationship should be - Is this all because of his growing up environment, with the lack of affection - Is this because he's lost interest in me - Is this because he's interested in someone else? According to him he still loves me... he just isn't "sweet" like I imagine a partner should be, and like every other partner I've had. He won't see a counsellor with me, so I don't really know what to do.
Author LeesaG Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 No... you're right I give up, it's so depressing
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