dbuwm24 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Hi all, i'm new here and obviously in a desperate situation. I'm hoping to get 3rd party insight. Recently my boyfriend of a year and a month broke it off, seemingly out of nowhere. There are so many details that go into it, but we were fine 2 weeks before he did it. I can explain more detail later, but after he broke it off with me, he was crying during (which is expected), but then i heard from friends that he cried all the way home, cried all night, almost cried at work the next day and almost cried talking to my friend the day after, who relayed this message. Since then I've also heard from his best friend and roommate that he is drinking a LOT and (his words) "numbing it". I've also heard from another mutual friend and his coworker that he's sad but getting by. He also told me how he cried all weekend before thinking about it. After the break up, i asked him to tell me when a good time to go get my stuff would be and he said that he would. 5 days go by without anything (aside from talking to anyone/trying to get news and information about it). Sidebar: -He's an army vet, currently in the reserves, and i guess his main reason for dumping me is because he didn't think i could handle him deploying. I found out later that that is his main reason he's told our mutual friends, among other people, and that he had seriously been considering deploying again.- In august, he went away for a month long training for the reserves and i missed him like crazy but we got through it fine, talking everyday and being cute and stuff. Now this is where I messed up (at least i think) : a couple days after he got back, he mentioned in a sort of joking way that a friend of his had asked him to join his team for a deployment and he was like "i said my girlfriend would kill me, ha ha ha".. now, two days after he got back, i just kind of shrugged it off, but then told him that i don't think i could handle a long distance relationship and basically gave him a subconscious ultimatum. Now, in the break up period where i am, i do not mean this at all. I would stick through him through everything. It didn't come up that what i had said had bothered him until 3 days before he broke up with me so he spent a month and a half just holding that in and not discussing it with me. There was another spell where something came up where i was like "you know how i feel about long distance" (trust me, i'm kicking myself for all of these little things i said now)... but again, if he had told me how much deployment had meant to him BEFORE, i would've explained to him that i didn't mean it and would work through it. So back into communication, he would get distant every once in awhile but it would usually last a week and he would snap out of it.. i had adapted to these time periods and accepted them as he needed space and tried to respect that as much as i could. The week before he broke up with me, he started pulling away, but i played it off as one of these moods again. Some days were fine, some were weird but i was just playing it through. So then, by thursday, he was acting very distant and when i finally addressed it to him, we got into this big discussion about everything. We rarely get into spats, and have never had a full blown fight. This was the closest we got to that, but it was still calm and just heated discussion. At the beginning, i guess i said something that seemed like i wanted to break up (which was a misunderstanding) and he goes "you're freaking me out!" shortly after telling me that he "loves me more than anything". The conversation goes by and that's when i realize he was upset about the deployment thing i had said. We end the conversation because he had to go to band practice with affection and hugs and passionate kisses. he was saying how this conversation was really good for us and how we would work through it. We both agreed that it was not a break up conversation. That weekend he had drill and i was going away so i decided to give him two days of no talking to give him space. I had a good feeling about it and although things were rocky, i felt that we were in the right direction to talk and get through it. Unfortuantely, the way he was responding to me on sunday on my way home put the gut feeling in my stomach that he was going to end things and i was right. Now i know this is hard to gauge, but we had a fantastic relationship. Our families loved each other, we had a fantastic big group of friend, and everyone told me, including his best friends of years and years, that i made him the happiest they had ever seen him. We were the power couple around that everyone was STUNNED to hear he had dumped me. The week before he started to pull away, he was (and i'm not being naive) WANTING to be with me, we were cooking a lot and he was telling me how he wished we could do this all the time. Then one of those nights he came over late and i was sleeping, and he grabbed me and said "i love you soooo much". Literally 2 weeks before. And there were more lovey things but those were the ones that just kinda stand out to me. Now, after the first 5 days of not talking, i heard from his friend that he was really sad, and it worried him. I texted him that night saying how i didn't mean what i said about deployment and that i would stay with him through thick and thin. I also mentioned that i knew he was going through a hard time and that i would always be there for him. He didn't respond for a day, and i found out later he told our mutual friends when he was there that he didn't know how to reply. He eventually responded with "i want to be in each others lives and i will wait for as long as it takes for you to forgive me so that can happen." I then, out of word vomit, respond with "i just want to know how long you haven't been truthful with me" then "i'm not grilling you, but ive had a lot of time to think of questions". Our friends told me that he then said that i was "grilling him" (using the same word i used) and then he never responded. Later that night i had a couple drinks with our mutual friend and ended up texting "i don't know how long it's going to take, but you dumped me and i deserve answers. i'm actually being pretty fair about all of this." That was now 5 days ago and no answer. So after he didn't respond to that, i got fed up and met with his roommate to exchange our things and i didn't tell him, he just saw his stuff on his bed. My biggest question is, if he really wanted to break up with me, why would he be reacting in such a strong way? Wouldn't he feel some sort of sense of relief? Why is he ignoring me if he want to be friends (i forgot to mention that he was begging me to say we could be friends when he was breaking up with me, but i assumed it was to lessen the guilt). Nobody understands, not even his best friends. Is he just trying to protect himself in case he deploys? I apologize for being all over the place, and i'm more than willing to clear things up if need be. But I don't know if i'm in denial or if there is a chance that he will regret this and snap out of the mood he's in. I'm not going to contact him at all anymore.
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