teenyqueen Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Hi, I will try to keep this as concise as possible. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 6 years and share two dogs, we're also moving into our new home (his mortgage) soon. Generally we've been very happy but have reaccuring disagreements about money & housework etc. Last weekend he told me that he thinks I need to lose weight and tone up and he said that he doesn't find my body attractive. My mum is a larger lady and he said he was scared that I was going to become the same size as her as I get older (I'm in late 20s now). He was trying to dictate what I could or could not eat when I had a cup of skinny hot chocolate (40 calories). Now I'm not saying that I don't want to lose weight, I am slightly overweight but carry it well because I have a curvy hourclass shape so for me it's more about toning my body. I have a generally healthy diet but snacked quite a lot during my recent teacher training year, but I know I can get results if I change my eating habits and want to do more exercise. I am incredibly upset that he doesn't find me attractive and as much as I would like to be more toned and fit, I'm struggling with the idea that he'd love me more if I was fitter. If I lose weight I want it to be for me and not because my man doesn't love me enough to accept me as I am. Also, he hasn't proposed to me yet which I now think is because he's worried I'm going to gain weight. This is also incredibly upsetting to me because I think a 6 year relationship should be about so much more than my dress size. He said I don't make him feel manly because I'm bigger than him and he doesn't feel like he can just lift me up. My boyfriend is a very very slim guy who struggles to gain weight so he's not perfect either. A few years ago I was a dress size smaller and he was a little big bigger after hitting the gym, so I know I can lose weight and look good in dresses etc, but he's actually making mocking remarks about how I haven't lost any weight even though I've tried for the past month or so. My concerns at the moment are - Him focusing on my size (UK size 12-14 so curvy but normal) and ignoring all my other features and accomplishments - Apparent fear of marrying me because he's worried I'll gain weight - Apparent controlling behaviour on trying to dictate what I eat - Asking me to lose weight but doubting if I can doing it and saying dismissive things I know he likes slim girls and he has had slim girlfiends in the past. I pointed out to him that he's relationships with these slim girlfriends have failed whereas we're still together after 6 years, and I have had the patience and supportive attitude to help him in the past. He has quite a short temper and a very stressful job, and I seriously doubt whether he could find another long term relationship with someone else, because I have sacrificed a lot to help him in the past and have had the patience to stand by him. I just want to be with someone who loves and supports me, and he has been that guy for me until now. I'm a professionally trained woman who acts as a role model to young girls and being close to 30 now I can honestly say I feel comfortable in my own skin. I would like to tone up, but not because otherwise my boyfriend will leave me!
pteromom Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I am incredibly upset that he doesn't find me attractive and as much as I would like to be more toned and fit, I'm struggling with the idea that he'd love me more if I was fitter. If I lose weight I want it to be for me and not because my man doesn't love me enough to accept me as I am. It isn't about love, it is about physical attraction. You have to separate his preferences from your ego. You are good enough as you are, but you know what he likes. It is up to you whether you want to tone up or not. Since it sounds like you do, tell him this: "I understand you want me to lose weight. I want to try. What I need from you is to back off, not make snide comments, and to be supportive and kind. If you want to go for a walk or do something else physical, ask me to join you. Otherwise, please do not make comments about what I am eating or doing, my weight, or my lack of progress. This just makes me sad and when I am sad, I want to eat more, not less. I am trying my hardest, and I need your support and kindness to do it." If after telling him what you need, he continues to hurt your feelings and try to control you, you need to think about whether this relationship is worth holding onto. 1
kendahke Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I think that what he's really doing is having second thoughts about you moving into his new home, but instead of telling you that he's feeling that, he's chosen to attack your weight and your pedigree because it's an easier target to put you on the defensive and do the hard work for him. If I was you, I'd stay put until he changes his tune about how you look. I would never lay my head next to someone in the same bed who is jumping all over it. If you think his barbs are bad now, wait until you're under his roof. 1
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