Jejangles Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I feel like a lot of advice for women in dating is all about dating a man who "knows" he is into you. The guy should initiate all texts and dates in the early weeks, he should be booking the next date within 24 hours of the first, he should pay for the first few dates etc. But is this really fair? I mean I meet plenty of guys who I "like" but it takes me time to know if I really like them enough to consider a serious relationship. So why is there an expectation that the guy should be so certain early on? If I'm feeling interested but unsure, isn't it ok if the guy is a bit on the fence as well? (not speaking about a specific guy here, just generally). I feel like a lot of dating rules are because it's uncomfortable to be uncertain during those early dates and months. It's a lot easier to know the other person is all in, hence all the early define the relationship and exclusive talks. But don't we just need to cope with the uncertainty, pay attention to red flags but also recognise when it's just anxiety rearing up and wait to see if we can build something real? 1
lilmissjava Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I don't think the rules exist to avert ambiguity in the beginnings of a relationship. Whether those rules existed or not, uncertainty would almost always be present in the beginning because we never fully know what it is we want until we really get to know a person. Take for example OLD. In my opinion, access to "shinier and better" items on the shelf is easier now with OLD, and this creates the illusion of uncertainty because some men still "shop around" while in the beginning stages of a relationship. I think what the underpinnings of a relationship in its early stages is the ability to communicate mutual expectations after the first few dates. 2
Author Jejangles Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 I don't think the rules exist to avert ambiguity in the beginnings of a relationship. Whether those rules existed or not, uncertainty would almost always be present in the beginning because we never fully know what it is we want until we really get to know a person. Yeah, I guess this is what I'm trying to get at! If I look at "dating rules" they just seem to point women towards the men who act as if they are all in from day one. But it's possible a good guy is interested with some long term potential even if he is acting a little unsure during those first few weeks or even months. One of my guy friends dated a woman for a year without ever being 100% sure about her. He could spot some key differences, he was attracted to her but not over the top crazy in lust and he just had concerns. At some point after that first year he decided she was the one and they got married a couple of years in. For a while I thought he had settled, but now they have been married for five years and are very happy. 2
SwordofFlame Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 There's no set of rules that works for everyone. Some rules work on some guys and don't work on others. I don't follow anyone's rules but my own. If it works great, if not than I guess it wasn't meant to be. 2
katiegrl Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Yeah, I guess this is what I'm trying to get at! If I look at "dating rules" they just seem to point women towards the men who act as if they are all in from day one. But it's possible a good guy is interested with some long term potential even if he is acting a little unsure during those first few weeks or even months. One of my guy friends dated a woman for a year without ever being 100% sure about her. He could spot some key differences, he was attracted to her but not over the top crazy in lust and he just had concerns. At some point after that first year he decided she was the one and they got married a couple of years in. For a while I thought he had settled, but now they have been married for five years and are very happy. Did he ever tell you what it was that made him decide, after an entire year of being unsure, that she was the "one"? Was there a separation, after which he realized how much he missed her and loved her? That happened to me with an ex. He was unsure after three months so we parted ways. During that time away from me (complete no contact from me), he realized he was in love with me, and we were together four years after that ...even got engaged, which I broke off. Or, did he just wake up one morning and decide "she's the one"!
Author Jejangles Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 Did he ever tell you what it was that made him decide, after an entire year of being unsure, that she was the "one"? Was there a separation, after which he realized how much he missed her and loved her? That happened to me with an ex. He was unsure after three months so we parted ways. During that time away from me (complete no contact from me), he realized he was in love with me, and we were together four years after that ...even got engaged, which I broke off. Or, did he just wake up one morning and decide "she's the one"! I think he pretty much woke up one morning and decided "she's the one"! The decision he had to make was whether he wanted to be with her or whether he eventually wanted kids / pets (she is not into either of those things). He went back and forth on it for a bit and eventually decided he would be fine without them, and he would be happy with her. We now live in separate countries and did while he was dating her so I didn't get the play by play, but a mutual friend told me he had been undecided most of the year and then suddenly decided. I guess he just chose her! And like I said, I have to admit I kind of judged it at the time because I thought he could have found someone who would offer what he thought he wanted. But now with more time passed, he is super happy, so who am I to say he didn't make the right choice?
katiegrl Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I think he pretty much woke up one morning and decided "she's the one"! The decision he had to make was whether he wanted to be with her or whether he eventually wanted kids / pets (she is not into either of those things). He went back and forth on it for a bit and eventually decided he would be fine without them, and he would be happy with her. We now live in separate countries and did while he was dating her so I didn't get the play by play, but a mutual friend told me he had been undecided most of the year and then suddenly decided. I guess he just chose her! And like I said, I have to admit I kind of judged it at the time because I thought he could have found someone who would offer what he thought he wanted. But now with more time passed, he is super happy, so who am I to say he didn't make the right choice? Yeah, clearly he made the right choice... I am just curious what his thought process was in deciding. Some people believe love is a *choice* ....that we *choose* to love someone ....or not. M. Scott Peck wrote about it in "The Road Less Traveled." I never thought about love that way, but in this guy's case, it sounds like that is exactly what he did!
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 My brother is now marrying a girl who he was very unsure about the first 6 months of dating. In fact, he refused to introduce her to anyone or call her his girlfriend because he didn't feel that much of a spark. 5 years later, he now adores her. Initially I thought that he was settling but they seem very happy. I know of countless examples like that. I also regret cutting off some guys early on in dating because they were a bit uncertain. I only date guys that are super into me from day 1, just like rule books tell you. However I find that often they are creepy, desperate or don't have much going on in their lives. Going forward, I don't think I would follow any rules. 2
Maggie4 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 For some men, it's like musical chairs. They keep moving until the music suddenly stops, then they grab the first chair (woman) nearby and settle down. It's not about finding the perfect woman, it's all about his own timing, where he is in life, career, finances, seeing all his friends hitched, etc. As for dating, I don't believe in those rules. More sought after men and women can be more choosy. 5
kismetkismet Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I don't think that it's reasonable to expect absolute certainty right away. For one thing they may not be 100% certain what it is they're looking for, particularly if they haven't had a TON of relationships thus far (i feel like you know better when you're 30ish onwards). Also, it's literally impossible to actually KNOW someone right away so it's logical to want to take some time to get to know each other before investing. However I don't think things should be so one sided in the beginning either. That's very old fashioned in my opinion and implies that women don't really have a say in what they want.. they don't choose something and go and get it, but instead just wait for someone to choose them. That's BS in my opinion. I'm not a prize for someone to win, I'm a person that wants a relationship with another person.. 2
katiegrl Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I don't think anyone can be *certain* right off the bat. However, what some women experience is men behaving like they're certain, when in fact they're not, they couldn't be. It takes a long time to be *certain*. Same for women. I think it's okay and normal for people to expect the person they're dating to be attracted to them and interested in them, and act like it. Consistently initiating dates (both people), spending time, showing an interest in them and their lives, etc. But to expect a guy (or girl) to be certain about them right from the get go? That's expecting too much and a recipe for disappointment and possible heartbreak. Relax! Enjoy the process! Dating is much more fun that way, instead of expecting certainty and becoming too attached to the outcome too soon... 2
Author Jejangles Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 My brother is now marrying a girl who he was very unsure about the first 6 months of dating. In fact, he refused to introduce her to anyone or call her his girlfriend because he didn't feel that much of a spark. 5 years later, he now adores her. Initially I thought that he was settling but they seem very happy. I know of countless examples like that. I also regret cutting off some guys early on in dating because they were a bit uncertain. I only date guys that are super into me from day 1, just like rule books tell you. However I find that often they are creepy, desperate or don't have much going on in their lives. Going forward, I don't think I would follow any rules. Hmm, interesting! Yes I sometimes wonder if I have lost possibilities who were a little unsure at first, because I thought they should be more into me. Plus I used to follow the rules for early dating that suggest the man should be initiating things and it felt very unnatural for me. I'm more of a planner / doer, so it feels more natural for me to text a guy when I want to and suggest we get together when I want to... I still pay attention to red flags that signal disinterest and lack of forward momentum, but I'm trying to get more comfortable in the grey zone and keep my anxiety at bay until it becomes clear one way or another. I also do a fair amount of mirroring of the men I date, and that seems to work pretty well.
Leigh 87 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I only date guys who are super into me from the start. .. That doesn't mean I want them to talk long term right away, or ask me to meet their parents after a week or something crazy .... I've had men who were too into me at the start for them to consider dating others. Turns out, they weren't crazy at all; one was a hot lecturer with an amazing personality who simply ONLY bothers dating girls he's really into and feels the immediate spark for. It's worked for him; after me, he's now in a very happy relationship. .........with a girl he was enamoured with from the beginning. .... The happiest couple I know were both really into each other from the start and by a stroke of good luck, also happened to ne SO compatible it was uncanny........ I have personally NEVER had success at dating guys who had to "warm up to me":sick: or with the men I had to give a chance in order to see if a spark could develop. .........
Leigh 87 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Hmm, interesting! Yes I sometimes wonder if I have lost possibilities who were a little unsure at first, because I thought they should be more into me. Plus I used to follow the rules for early dating that suggest the man should be initiating things and it felt very unnatural for me. I'm more of a planner / doer, so it feels more natural for me to text a guy when I want to and suggest we get together when I want to... I still pay attention to red flags that signal disinterest and lack of forward momentum, but I'm trying to get more comfortable in the grey zone and keep my anxiety at bay until it becomes clear one way or another. I also do a fair amount of mirroring of the men I date, and that seems to work pretty well. It depends why you're "unsure " I mean, I am not crazy. ...Although I definitely felt a spark as soon as I met my boyfriend and I was really into him from day one, there is no WAY I assumed he was The One; I was thinking one day at a time. I didn't know him well enough to know if we would eventually forge a relationship. .... Neither of us had ANY crazy or unrealistic ideals. .... we were just two people who felt a spark and were very excited about getting to know one another. So we were "unsure " at first. ...most people suck, we were BOTH half expecting the dissappearing act (from one another!) Being really into a new partner doesn't mean you're certain. It took me a few weeks before I felt we were compatible enough to think about a relationship. ............
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