Kylemopar Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 There's this girl that I've just fallen for, she's perfect in all forms. She has shown lots of signs of attraction to me. Anyways I ****ed up recently, she trusted me like a diary and I betrayed her and broke her trust. Long story short she hates having people in her business, like HATES it. She only tells me things in confidentiality. She isn't living at home with her mom, she's in a bad place where she gets yelled at all the time, where she isn't happy. As someone who deeply cares about her I get in contact with the closest people to her. Her sister and her best friend. She live and hour long drive away so I can't be there for her everyday. So I asked them both to take care of her and to try to convince to to come home because where she is she isn't happy and no one should live like that. I told them nothing else, no screenshots of our texts, nothing personal that should be kept buried. What I did later backfires on me when her best friend told her what I said and after hearing this happens to go through her sisters messages and sees what I wrote. She got mad, like totally pissed. She said I was a horrible person and that its the last time I betray her trust and to leave her alone. She said that she doesn't talk to anyone about her life except for me and to go ruin someone else's life because I can't keep my mouth shut. I tried apologizing everyday through text for what is now a week. She just tells me to leave her alone. I asked her for how long and she said forever. I asked if she can trust me one last time and she said no that she doesn't trust anyone anyone. I would try to go visit her and apologize in person but she would never want to meet with me. I message her everyday telling her how much I miss her. She doesn't reply all she does is just 'read' them. She blocked me off of Instagram and Facebook...I mean sure I betrayed her trust in a way but only because I care about her I didn't intend to hurt her. Most of you will just say to leave her alone or give her time then maybe she will text me in the future, but I know she won't. She would never initiate the conversation...I'm in love with this girl and she know it. I just want to earn her trust again and have things go back to how they used to be. Share
mightycpa Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 You picked the wrong button to push it would seem. You see, this is why I always counsel young people to date a lot of people. You make mistakes, you learn from then, and by the time you meet someone super-compatible, you will have hopefully learned how to act. You were never meant to be with this girl. She was sent into your life to teach you how to keep something private. Learn your lesson and move on. 2
Author Kylemopar Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 I do know how to keep things private...I don't want to lose this girl. Is just that the situations she's in isn't good at all for her. She's contemplated ending herself...there's no way I would keep my mouth shut. I never told her sister and best friend that, I just said that she's not happy and that I want them to convince to go back home.
mightycpa Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I do know how to keep things private...I don't want to lose this girl. Is just that the situations she's in isn't good at all for her. She's contemplated ending herself...there's no way I would keep my mouth shut. I never told her sister and best friend that, I just said that she's not happy and that I want them to convince to go back home. See? You haven't learned a thing. What's more important? That she's not happy, or that she's contemplated suicide? People are not happy all the time. So what? Happiness comes and goes. But suicide? That is indicative of real mental trouble. But when faced with a choice, you tell people she's not happy and ignore the serious and dangerous part. In effect, you did keep your mouth shut about the one thing that really mattered. If you really loved her, you'd have driven over there every damn day (it's only an hour), and kept tabs on her mental state and tried to get her back home yourself if you thought that was truly important. You might have even brought her friend or sister along. But instead, you ignored the most important thing, told them the least important thing, and made her even more unhappy and uncomfortable than she already was, causing her to withdraw even more. Face facts. The way you tell it, you totally ****ed it up. The only way to fix it is to tell her family that she sometimes expressed a wish to kill herself, and you fear for her well-being. Fall on your sword for this girl. It should be easy now, because you're already dead to her. 1
mrwigand Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 See? You haven't learned a thing. What's more important? That she's not happy, or that she's contemplated suicide? People are not happy all the time. So what? Happiness comes and goes. But suicide? That is indicative of real mental trouble. But when faced with a choice, you tell people she's not happy and ignore the serious and dangerous part. In effect, you did keep your mouth shut about the one thing that really mattered. If you really loved her, you'd have driven over there every damn day (it's only an hour), and kept tabs on her mental state and tried to get her back home yourself if you thought that was truly important. You might have even brought her friend or sister along. But instead, you ignored the most important thing, told them the least important thing, and made her even more unhappy and uncomfortable than she already was, causing her to withdraw even more. Face facts. The way you tell it, you totally ****ed it up. The only way to fix it is to tell her family that she sometimes expressed a wish to kill herself, and you fear for her well-being. Fall on your sword for this girl. It should be easy now, because you're already dead to her. Respectfully, mightycpa, I think you are being slightly harsh here. The OP admits he messed up, and that's perfectly valid to point out. That being said, I'll simply say that I've been in a situation where I cared deeply about someone with SERIOUS mental health issues (including suicidal ideation), and this person was also FIERCELY protective of her privacy as well. That can be an extremely confusing and complicated situation, and I think it's easy not to make the best decisions because you're trying to balance so many things. So I can't judge the OP too harshly because it's difficult to know what the right thing to do is sometimes, and you end up just striving to do SOMETHING and make a mistake. But people make mistakes. However, Kylemopar... This might not be what you want to hear, but this person isn't ready to be in a relationship right now. I agree with mightycpa to the extent that what she needs right now is to care for herself mentally. The state she's in can she really be an equal partner for you? Maybe you think she can. But what I'm reading, she seems like she has some things she needs to work on. For instance, you say you messed up majorly and "broke her trust", but you did so because you cared about her and were trying to help her. I'm not saying you went about it correctly, but there are shades of grey, and her reaction of "I'll never trust you or anyone ever again" is not the reaction of a healthy, mature, secure person. If you had stayed with this person, it most likely would have turned into a painful, co-dependent bond that wouldn't have been good for you. I know it hurts and you care for her deeply, but that's my two cents.
kendahke Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 .I mean sure I betrayed her trust in a way but But nothing. You betrayed her trust, PERIOD. Not in a way. PERIOD. FIN. END OF STORY. only because I care about her I didn't intend to hurt her. What she asked you to do wasn't hard. She asked you to keep it to yourself and you chose not to for your own reasons, not hers. You can't earn her trust. You've proven that you couldn't be trusted. Would be different if she never told you that she doesn't want people in her business. The bottom line is: you didn't trust her to be able to work out her issues in her own way. You wanted them worked out in your way. Sit and think about that. Put that first in your thoughts, not trying to tell her you should have your way.
kendahke Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Respectfully, mightycpa, I think you are being slightly harsh here. No, Mightycpa is right on target and OP needs to hear that. OP is too wrapped up in getting his own way, not helping his girlfriend--as mightycpa pointed out very aptly in his post. Now that he's blown it, and I do mean He. Has. Blown. It.; he is still putting getting his way above what she has said and shown him she needs. She is entitled to not want to have anything to do with him and to take as long as she needs to take to get over this.
Wewon Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 OP, First, you have to understand that trust is built on consistency. You can't violate a trust and have it back again with a few apologies. Violating a confidence is one of the toughest things to regain a trust from because its so easy to do and other than a personal sense of obligation to the other person, there is very little incentive to do it. You also have very few opportunities to show that you won't do it again. Think of it this way, telling someone something intimate about yourself is like paying a contractor in advance; you give them something in hopes that they will do their part but you have little to no leverage anymore. This was a big problem with my ex and I. It was made more difficult because she was very dismissive of how hurtful it was.
basil67 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I want to add that a trusting person is far more likely to forgive you. However, your ex is the cynical sort who generally doesn't trust - so your actions have just proved her cynicism correct. She's not going to forgive.
mrwigand Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I feel like this is all burying the lead though... The OP's ex has a serious mental health needs right now. Even if she did forgive him, any relationship between them might turn into a model for painful co-dependency. Did the OP break her trust in a way that he shouldn't? Yes. But her fierce lack of trust combined what seems like severe emotional distress point to some unhealthy behaviors to me.
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