subconscious put-downs

[Blanco]

I shudder to think what your ex said to you if you think that being called an "overweight, aging slob" is a "subtle" criticism.

[GemmaUK]

I would have ditched this guy before now.

 

Don't stick around a moment longer, it'll only get worse.

[katiegrl]

Agree with Gemma and everyone else.

 

If you don"t dump this guy, I am going to jump through the screen and kick your butt! LOL

 

j/k but seriously this bozo is an insecure, verbally abusive asshat ...

 

You realize that now, right?

[BluEyeL]

Those examples you give are not subconscious at all. They are downright rude and offensive. He called you an overweight aging slob, and said you're not attractive to men.

 

I would not put up with that kind of thing.

This. Dump his arse immediately !! What an abusive jerk!

[deadelvis]

This is called Gaslighting. It's a form of emotional abuse. Read about it online.

[katiegrl]

On every date there is at least one putdown comment. On one occasion at a restaurant I was thoroughly enjoying the food and the evening. While my date was in the bathroom another man in the restaurant approached me and had the nerve to sit down in my date's chair and started asking me questions about where I am from and if I am married. He even asked for my phone number. I politely tried to get rid of him and he got up straight away and left when he saw my date returning to the table. My date's response to this was to put me down for the rest of the evening. At one point he looked around the restaurant and said "it's nice to be in a place where there's no hipsters and everyone's just ordinary and ugly like us isn't it!" He also inexplicably told me it can't have been easy for me to find men to date. This barrage of putdowns came immediately after the other man had tried to pick me up.

 

You know Ordinani ... I missed this^^ previously, but this man is a misogynist. A man who dislikes (hates) women.

 

The more attracted he is to her (in this case you), the more insecure he feels, and the more he dislikes her for causing him to feel that way! He and men like him are very weak and insecure..

 

It is very complex, but pick up the book "Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them."

 

Hate is a strong word, the book will explain in detail how it applies. But there is no way on God's green earth a man would ever say such things to you if he cared about you and "liked" you.

 

It's not personal, he dislikes any woman he feels immense attraction to. He feels powerless against his strong feelings/attraction ..., so needs to put her down to gain some of that power back. It's manipulative and sick.

 

It's a good read! You can buy it on Amazon.com.

 

I am so glad you have chosen to end it.

 

Again, gook luck hun.

 

hugs

Edited October 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[Guyouthere]

anyone who can say this to their partner is really messed up themselves.

 

Its bad both ways. Women can do it to guys as well.

 

He must have some personality disorder to act like that. Maybe you are subconsciously attracted to those types, for whatever reason.

 

Seems like I have the same issues with women. Look at the last one I had, she was downright condescending towards me at times. I let it slide under the pretense that she was just stressed. However, reality is I was hurt by her words too (she said I didn't know how to have "propper sex") aka servicing her needs only. Then the "you are emotionally weak because you are lonely". I was like "wtf?" with that one?

 

Overall it is best to be away from anyone who can belittle you.

 

You can have patience, but only so much, then it can really show up big time in an argument, as mine did with her.

 

(she got a f-you from me, then cried " i hurt her").

[Odinani]

He is dumped.

[Gaeta]

He is dumped.

 

Congratulations

 

Do not let a man enter your life that doesn't elevate you. I would have dumped him at his very first negative comment. Life is hard enough you don't need a boyfriend that will put you down. Not even if it's just joking.

[Guyouthere]

Congratulations

 

Do not let a man enter your life that doesn't elevate you. I would have dumped him at his very first negative comment. Life is hard enough you don't need a boyfriend that will put you down. Not even if it's just joking.

 

A guy elevating a woman is good, provided he doesn't have to rent a forklift

[wonderbug111]

in my last relationship my ex put me down all the time with vicious negative comments about my looks, my body and my general worth as a person. Towards the end of that relationship he admitted he was putting me down to keep me in my place. He said he always saw a lot of other guys checking me out and he wanted to make sure I didn't realise I was attractive and leave him for another guy. The boyfriend before him did a similar thing but not quite as agressively.

 

I am in a new relationship now and I notice the current guy is doing the same sort of thing with the put downs but for now the put downs are more subtle.

 

He was talking about some models in a magazine I was flicking through and he said "doesn't it depress you reading that? They never put overweight ageing slobs like you and I in those magazines do they?"

 

But I'm skinny and also young. (My bf is older and has a paunch). He's made other negative comments like that, always devaluing my looks. One comment that lingers in my mind was "I bet you miss the days when you were attractive to men don't you?"

 

Although I've gone on dates with all sorts of guys, many of them very attractive, the ones I tend to choose to enter a relationship with have always been physically not very attractive at all. I'm not sure why, I just feel safer with guys who are not that good looking. But every time they soon start to make spiteful comments to me and to gradually try to convince me that I am not at all sexy or pretty.

 

I'm not sure what to do.

 

HELLO!!! That is abusive and HORRIBLE!!! You need to get away from that fat, paunchy bastard as fast as you can. They are all insecure *******s. Why are you putting up with that kind of treatment? It is NOT normal.

[wonderbug111]

He is dumped.

 

KUDOS TO YOU!!! Now, don't let it happen again. It seems to me this is all you've known so it's almost "normal". I assure you, it is not. ( Unless, you're into S&M.) No one should even be putting you down as a "joke" bc it's not funny and if it's funny to them, then they are a fn *********. My ex-husband used to make jokes at my expense. Nothing quite this bad but he would say he was trying to "motivate" me. Bull$hit. He wanted to make me feel like $hit so I wouldn't leave his sorry ass. Now I'm with someone who I quite literally feel like I'm in a fairytale sometimes. He tells me daily how beautiful I am and that he adores me. I've never been with someone who expressed their love so eloquently and consistently. But I've read other women on this forum say their SO's do the same so it does actually exist. That is what you need to be looking for because every woman deserves feel like she is the most beautiful/special woman in the world when she is with her SO.

Edited October 31, 2015 by braveheart69

[wonderbug111]

the ones I tend to choose to enter a relationship with have always been physically not very attractive at all. I'm not sure why, I just feel safer with guys who are not that good looking.

 

You are finding guys who have similar views in terms of looks and relationships apparently.

 

They never put overweight ageing slobs like you and I in those magazines do they?" -- This was just a statement of generality though. He's right, they don't put your average Joe's/Josephine's in those magazines. I don't think you should be stressing over that comment.

 

"I bet you miss the days when you were attractive to men don't you?" -- If he actually said that -- you should have ended things right then and there.

 

But, next time you feel slighted, you can say something like "that remark is kinda offensive to me. I am not unattractive". And see how he handles that. His response should be something like "you're beautiful . . ." Anything less, he can hit the road.

 

I completely disagree. You don't think she should be "stressing" over being called an overweight, aging slob??? Wow. That is a hurtful, disgusting thing to say to the woman you are dating. Hell, to ANY woman... unless you hate their guts. Which brings us back to what someone says about him being a misogynist. I agree wholeheartedly with that.