subconscious put-downs

October 29, 2015

in my last relationship my ex put me down all the time with vicious negative comments about my looks, my body and my general worth as a person. Towards the end of that relationship he admitted he was putting me down to keep me in my place. He said he always saw a lot of other guys checking me out and he wanted to make sure I didn't realise I was attractive and leave him for another guy. The boyfriend before him did a similar thing but not quite as agressively.

I am in a new relationship now and I notice the current guy is doing the same sort of thing with the put downs but for now the put downs are more subtle.

He was talking about some models in a magazine I was flicking through and he said "doesn't it depress you reading that? They never put overweight ageing slobs like you and I in those magazines do they?"

But I'm skinny and also young. (My bf is older and has a paunch). He's made other negative comments like that, always devaluing my looks. One comment that lingers in my mind was "I bet you miss the days when you were attractive to men don't you?"

Although I've gone on dates with all sorts of guys, many of them very attractive, the ones I tend to choose to enter a relationship with have always been physically not very attractive at all. I'm not sure why, I just feel safer with guys who are not that good looking. But every time they soon start to make spiteful comments to me and to gradually try to convince me that I am not at all sexy or pretty.

I'm not sure what to do.

October 29, 2015

Those examples you give are not subconscious at all. They are downright rude and offensive. He called you an overweight aging slob, and said you're not attractive to men.

I would not put up with that kind of thing.

October 29, 2015

Although I've gone on dates with all sorts of guys, many of them very attractive, the ones I tend to choose to enter a relationship with have always been physically not very attractive at all. I'm not sure why, I just feel safer with guys who are not that good looking. But every time they soon start to make spiteful comments to me and to gradually try to convince me that I am not at all sexy or pretty.

I'm not sure what to do.

Make better choices. Yes it is that simple.

You choose to date guys that put you down then you reap what you sow.

Personally I prefer the ones who encourage me to feel good about myself. But that is my preference.

If you choose these guys then you have to choose to shut up and put up with it or get rid and make better choices.

Your life. Your choice.

October 29, 2015

Those examples you give are not subconscious at all. They are downright rude and offensive. He called you an overweight aging slob, and said you're not attractive to men.

I would not put up with that kind of thing.

I thought maybe he was trying to be tongue in cheek in some way simply because I'm very skinny so calling me overweight seems odd or a joke? But then he seemed serious when he said it

October 29, 2015

I'm not sure what to do.

Eject. (Him.) He's an anchor at the very best, a manipulative a-hole at the worst. Neither is good.

October 29, 2015

Eject. (Him.) He's an anchor at the very best, a manipulative a-hole at the worst. Neither is good.

What is an anchor? Somebody who drags you down?

October 29, 2015

This new relationship guy, sounds like he is trying to make himself feel better about himself by putting you down.

My ex was like that. He couldn't stand the way I felt confident when I looked good and always said something like "Who are you trying to impress?"

It's not about impressing anyone else, but how you feel in your own skin. I would definitely drop this fella. He has got no self-esteem.

The anchor analogy: you won't be going anywhere with this guy.

October 29, 2015

This new relationship guy, sounds like he is trying to make himself feel better about himself by putting you down.

My ex was like that. He couldn't stand the way I felt confident when I looked good and always said something like "Who are you trying to impress?"

It's not about impressing anyone else, but how you feel in your own skin. I would definitely drop this fella. He has got no self-esteem.

The anchor analogy: you won't be going anywhere with this guy.

I don't know if this is related to his putdowns but on the last date he picked up a magazine and there was a picture of an actress in her 70s in there. He was almost leering at the pic and said "she's so pretty." He would never dream of telling me I am pretty. A few minutes later he began telling me about a woman who had a crush on him and how he went to her blog and found her blog was full of her erotic fantasies about him. He seemed really into telling me this story. The story didn't even quite ring true and I also didn't understand why he was telling me a story like that even if it is true.

October 29, 2015

What is an anchor? Somebody who drags you down?

Yep. Imagine going thru life skipping thru flowery fields vs dragging a 100 lb. block of metal behind you all the time.

October 29, 2015

I don't know if this is related to his putdowns but on the last date he picked up a magazine and there was a picture of an actress in her 70s in there. He was almost leering at the pic and said "she's so pretty." He would never dream of telling me I am pretty. A few minutes later he began telling me about a woman who had a crush on him and how he went to her blog and found her blog was full of her erotic fantasies about him. He seemed really into telling me this story. The story didn't even quite ring true and I also didn't understand why he was telling me a story like that even if it is true.

I am certain he is trying to invoke some sort of jealousy from you to feed his ego.

He's got you thinking now doesn't he? Dragging that anchor around won't be too fun. It's also bordering on emotional abuse. If this relationship is still new, leave now while your pride, self-esteem and self-confidence still in check!

Edited October 29, 2015 by lilmissjava
Typo

October 29, 2015

I am certain he is trying to invoke some sort of jealousy from you to feed his ego.

He's got you thinking now doesn't he? Dragging that anchor around won't be too fun. It's also bordering on emotional abuse. If this relationship is still new, leave now while your pride, self-esteem and self-confidence still in check!

On every date there is at least one putdown comment. On one occasion at a restaurant I was thoroughly enjoying the food and the evening. While my date was in the bathroom another man in the restaurant approached me and had the nerve to sit down in my date's chair and started asking me questions about where I am from and if I am married. He even asked for my phone number. I politely tried to get rid of him and he got up straight away and left when he saw my date returning to the table. My date's response to this was to put me down for the rest of the evening. At one point he looked around the restaurant and said "it's nice to be in a place where there's no hipsters and everyone's just ordinary and ugly like us isn't it!" He also inexplicably told me it can't have been easy for me to find men to date. This barrage of putdowns came immediately after the other man had tried to pick me up.

October 29, 2015

The problem is with comments like that if you complain they will often just switch the tactic to something like "You can't take a joke". BTDT

Personally speaking a guy saying things like that to me was NEVER a good sign. I would tell him not to do that again and if he does I would end things.

How is he with other boundaries? If you give him one does he honor it?

I highly recommend reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Natalie Lue also has a lot of good content on her blog about how we choose our relationships and not to stand for the shady stuff.

October 29, 2015

The problem is with comments like that if you complain they will often just switch the tactic to something like "You can't take a joke". BTDT

Personally speaking a guy saying things like that to me was NEVER a good sign. I would tell him not to do that again and if he does I would end things.

How is he with other boundaries? If you give him one does he honor it?

I highly recommend reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Natalie Lue also has a lot of good content on her blog about how we choose our relationships and not to stand for the shady stuff.

I will have to have a think about this. But I'd say he is able to respect other boundaries.

October 29, 2015

another man in the restaurant approached me and had the nerve to sit down in my date's chair and started asking me questions about where I am from and if I am married. He even asked for my phone number. I politely tried to get rid of him

Really? If that was me I would have said get the hell away from me and if he didn't leave immediately I would have called the restaurant staff to have him removed.

"it's nice to be in a place where there's no hipsters and everyone's just ordinary and ugly like us isn't it!"

If he spoke to me like that, he would be wearing his drink, and I would be in a taxi half-way home.

You really need to learn to stick up for yourself. Have you no self-respect?

October 29, 2015

in my last relationship my ex put me down all the time with vicious negative comments about my looks, my body and my general worth as a person. Towards the end of that relationship he admitted he was putting me down to keep me in my place. He said he always saw a lot of other guys checking me out and he wanted to make sure I didn't realise I was attractive and leave him for another guy. The boyfriend before him did a similar thing but not quite as agressively.

I am in a new relationship now and I notice the current guy is doing the same sort of thing with the put downs but for now the put downs are more subtle.

He was talking about some models in a magazine I was flicking through and he said "doesn't it depress you reading that? They never put overweight ageing slobs like you and I in those magazines do they?"

But I'm skinny and also young. (My bf is older and has a paunch). He's made other negative comments like that, always devaluing my looks. One comment that lingers in my mind was "I bet you miss the days when you were attractive to men don't you?"

Although I've gone on dates with all sorts of guys, many of them very attractive, the ones I tend to choose to enter a relationship with have always been physically not very attractive at all. I'm not sure why, I just feel safer with guys who are not that good looking. But every time they soon start to make spiteful comments to me and to gradually try to convince me that I am not at all sexy or pretty.

I'm not sure what to do.

the ones I tend to choose to enter a relationship with have always been physically not very attractive at all. I'm not sure why, I just feel safer with guys who are not that good looking.

You are finding guys who have similar views in terms of looks and relationships apparently.

They never put overweight ageing slobs like you and I in those magazines do they?" -- This was just a statement of generality though. He's right, they don't put your average Joe's/Josephine's in those magazines. I don't think you should be stressing over that comment.

"I bet you miss the days when you were attractive to men don't you?" -- If he actually said that -- you should have ended things right then and there.

But, next time you feel slighted, you can say something like "that remark is kinda offensive to me. I am not unattractive". And see how he handles that. His response should be something like "you're beautiful . . ." Anything less, he can hit the road.

October 29, 2015

I started replying before I read the updates...

This guy sounds like he is turning into an emotionally/verbally abusive guy.

Not that I think you really need to in this situation (as for most people it would be common sense not to insult their GFs) but have you ever laid down any of your boundaries and let him know that wasn't acceptable? If you haven't and aren't ready to let this go yet I would make sure he knows it's not acceptable. If he does it again I would end it. But to be clear based on your new comments I think it would be wise to just end this. This guy sounds very insecure and/or controlling.

The book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is a good one to understand abuse and the different tactics.

October 29, 2015

the ones I tend to choose to enter a relationship with have always been physically not very attractive at all. I'm not sure why, I just feel safer with guys who are not that good looking.

You are finding guys who have similar views in terms of looks and relationships apparently.

They never put overweight ageing slobs like you and I in those magazines do they?" -- This was just a statement of generality though. He's right, they don't put your average Joe's/Josephine's in those magazines. I don't think you should be stressing over that comment.

"I bet you miss the days when you were attractive to men don't you?" -- If he actually said that -- you should have ended things right then and there.

But, next time you feel slighted, you can say something like "that remark is kinda offensive to me. I am not unattractive". And see how he handles that. His response should be something like "you're beautiful . . ." Anything less, he can hit the road.

I see your point but I think it's pretty off to imply a woman you're dating is "an ageing overweight slob", particularly when she is both young and thin. It felt like a subtle put down to me. It would be like me referring to my little brother as an "old bald man" when in fact he is young and he has a head full of hair.

October 29, 2015

I started replying before I read the updates...

This guy sounds like he is turning into an emotionally/verbally abusive guy.

Not that I think you really need to in this situation (as for most people it would be common sense not to insult their GFs) but have you ever laid down any of your boundaries and let him know that wasn't acceptable? If you haven't and aren't ready to let this go yet I would make sure he knows it's not acceptable. If he does it again I would end it. But to be clear based on your new comments I think it would be wise to just end this. This guy sounds very insecure and/or controlling.

The book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is a good one to understand abuse and the different tactics.

I've just purchased the other book you recommended, for my Kindle.

October 29, 2015

I started replying before I read the updates...

This guy sounds like he is turning into an emotionally/verbally abusive guy.

Not that I think you really need to in this situation (as for most people it would be common sense not to insult their GFs) but have you ever laid down any of your boundaries and let him know that wasn't acceptable? If you haven't and aren't ready to let this go yet I would make sure he knows it's not acceptable. If he does it again I would end it. But to be clear based on your new comments I think it would be wise to just end this. This guy sounds very insecure and/or controlling.

The book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is a good one to understand abuse and the different tactics.

He might be controlling, I am not sure. He is definitely insecure. He has not openly said that he is insecure but it clearly is very important for him to put me down and try to keep me from feeling attractive to other men. From what little I know about his relationship history I do know that he has found it hard to get women to become his girlfriend. He said they always find someone "better" and "more confident" early on and then ghost him.

October 29, 2015

Your boyfriend is a rude jerk and you need a new one. No thinking twice about it. It'll only get worse.

October 29, 2015

But, next time you feel slighted, you can say something like "that remark is kinda offensive to me. I am not unattractive". And see how he handles that. His response should be something like "you're beautiful . . ." Anything less, he can hit the road.

My bet would be "why are you so sensitive?"

October 29, 2015

You are a very attractive girl from your avi. I think you described your boyfriend as older and paunchy. You also say he is insecure. You also say he has a history of finding it hard to get women to want to be his girlfriend. There is your answer. He is an older or ageing men who can't believe his luck to find a younger, nice looking girl who is willing to go out with him. Instead of feeling lucky to be with you he probably feels afraid that you will realise you can get someone else more appealing them him, so he has chosen to try to decrease your value by putting you down. That's what insecure men do.

October 29, 2015

He has low self esteem and uses these put downs to boost his ego and self worth.

Next time he does it, correct him immediately. Let him know where you stand with that sort of thing.

If he doesn't like it then tell him to hit the road. That's NOT how a man treats a woman he respects, likes, or loves and you should not be allowing him to do that at all.

October 29, 2015

I do know that he has found it hard to get women to become his girlfriend. He said they always find someone "better" and "more confident" early on and then ghost him.

And none of us are wondering why...

The things he is saying is not okay. He is insecure, and probably feels that YOU are the lucky one to be with him, when it is quite obvious it is the other way around.

These are early warning signs and a great big huge red flag.

October 29, 2015

I see your point but I think it's pretty off to imply a woman you're dating is "an ageing overweight slob", particularly when she is both young and thin. It felt like a subtle put down to me. It would be like me referring to my little brother as an "old bald man" when in fact he is young and he has a head full of hair.

The guy just doesn't have much "couth". He doesn't really sound like a good catch overall.

If this happening often and he's not making you feel special anyway, just move on.

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subconscious put-downs

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