positivityonly Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 (edited) Hey guys, Well, I have finally managed to gather the courage to post my own story and not just lurk the forums like I have been for weeks (feels selfish to!). I first like to take a second to thank everyone on LS for all the advice I have came upon in these tough couple of months and the support I see without even posting my story, It's truly valued. I don't want to talk your heads off but its so important to me, but hey thats what LS is for right?! (: Edit: It's long but please read if you have time, if not no worries! Haha Anyways, a couple years ago, June of 2013 I met a girl through mutual friends/instagram. We finally met up for lunch which turned into spending the whole day together until about 11pm. We both worked in the same mall which was great! Ever since that day, It was the definition of bliss. I was 22 she was 17, I'll never forget the first few days of us talking and she asked me If my age was a problem I said, not at all. If it was I would tell you up front, this girl was like a dream and I wasn't looking any other direction. It turned into nonstop texting and hanging out at the highest level I could think of. Fast forward to about a year, there were fights and some anxiety and she finally decided to go on a medication for this, paxil. She felt like she truly couldn't move on without some help, she couldn't go anywhere alone wether it was her anxiety or just being really dependent on her parents but she was 18 and I figured it was normal, I was just their to support her. That was a tough couple weeks she became really distant while getting on the meds, but came around and everything kind of went back to normal. Arguments would come and go like everyone has but we would just have so many beautiful times in between it was really okay! Anyways it settled and she was feeling okay, her sex drive really lowered which became a struggle (a huge symptom) but like always I said your well being comes first, sex is sex we will get through it. at some point in the first year she did end things with me, she said she wants to have more fun and go to festivals (concerts) and be free and I said I understand it was emotional, we broke up for a day then had dinner and she realized and I did too, we can do a llllll these things as one. It felt like a fluke thing and things went so well again. Now fast forward to about a year ago or so, I helped her get her license, she always had anxiety to drive, I supported her to stop working where she was because she was so unhappy, and helped her get a $15 job elsewhere in the mall mean while she was just shy of 19 making that! She ended up leaving their sick of retail and whatnot. I would bring her food, flowers, and she was always VERY appreciative. Like always, we were in love to the fullest. After all that, she stopped working, was ALWAYS talking about what she wants to do and it affected her a lot, wasn't in school because she was very undecided, not working, meanwhile I am full time school online at a university, have a 2014 car, financially decent, and still have a lot of time together, even getting a new job where I worked part time making the same! It was great! We had a lot of time together. She always loved how I was humble, became not materialistic, helped people, just tried to be the best I can be and were like a power couple always. In the past year she really starting to start to kind of treat me bad, saying crazy things like you aren't interesting blah blah, and even said a things like that through out the relationship and I thought to myself, I really think she's blaming me for any of her issues like sitting home bored expecting me to get off work and come over and entertain her or just make life sooooo fun, even though we ALWAYS did things its like it wasn't enough, I think she had no inner happiness deep down, she has said I wasn't sexually attractive all the time, then an hour would cry and say Im so sorry why did I say that. She would pick at me and say "why are you wearing that?" I would get confused because I actually am really into style and worked at a major clothing designer and she always loved my style in the early days. Well we were never really having sex because she didn't ever have a sex drive and it was tough, she would say crazy things to me like "get your hair cut it'll look sexier" just crazy things but I just forgave her because I don't know, I just was so blind to getting treated like ****, and the next day she would be all over me again. Finally, I left my job and was ready to dive into something new, real estate, which had been my goal for a few months. She started volunteering with animals which was a goal of hers. So at the same time I was studying for real estate and she was studying for web design, we would study together, everything seemed great. Mind you, this past year we would go to clubs, see music, go out drinking, whatever it may be, I carried us completely the past year financially and she would always say she wanted a part time job to help out and she felt bad but never just went ahead and made it happen, yet I was just blind and told her It's okay. Well recently about 6 weeks before the breakup we went to orlando to stay at her sisters and watch her dog for the weekend and have a house to ourselves where we figured alone time is great and even have some space to be sexual since we both live at home yet her parents know what we have and I stay their all the time, about 4 days a week. We were driving up and everything was great, the closer we got the more annoyed she became, I guess because she knew we were expecting sex and I could just tell maybe she wasn't into it. May I say, I'm 6'1 what most people would say a great looking guy, and thats not to be pretentious AT ALL, just makes me think WHAT THE HELL can I do to turn her on, it was always so confusing to me and conflicting which killed my self esteem. We were cracking jokes laughing, and she just starts saying like "you are so comfortable, and laugh weird and say things that aren't attractive like the way you just laughed or being goofy" and I was so confused I just thought we were having fun. Then she goes "that shirt looks horrible on you, like how can I be attracted to you.." I was like what the hell, thinking to myself I'm in good shape wearing a black polo and I take care of myself and finally realized, this girl really has some problem..? Anyways we fought once we arrived then like an hour later she's complimenting me again blah blah and we made up. We started smoking a little when we got bored, then she started smoking daily and I told her its out of hand, she didn’t really listen, then like a week later sent me a long text saying she loves me so much and I was right and that I’m an amazing influence and she appreciates it so much! Now we come back I launched my career in real estate which took some hard work, but still always their for her, Its a 45 minute drive to her house and I make the trip about 4 times a week and stay over, she's been to my house probably 10 times in 2 years, my mom would always beg to see her and I told her she has anxiety and I don't know, but looking back it seemed so so selfish because her anxiety became little to nothing really. So come my 4th day at the new firm, I get a text at 9am saying we need to talk but in person, I called her to make sure she was okay, not thinking of a breakup, considering she was saying how much she loves me like 2 days ago. She tells me she just can't do this anymore, she doesn't see herself in Florida forever and I look like I'm getting too "settled". Yet, we always had plans to travel, I started real estate in order to run my own business, and have time and space to do things when the time is right. I was floored.. So I went to her house and it was real short and sweet, she said she feels young and needs to spread her wings, she has had moments in the relationship where she would say maybe we love each other but aren't IN LOVE (gigs stuff) but then the next day would say "how did I say that, you are my soulmate!".. So I was a complete wreck, the next day I had a huge conference down by her house, and decided after to call her and see her because I just needed SOME closure, SOME more words, over 2 years and when she broke up with me I asked how long she's thought about this, and she said about a week.. I was like woah okay.. So I see her and just said hey listen I don't really understand any of this, but I want to wish you the best and I see you want to focus on you, I am going to do the same.. she was very calm during the breakup and just seemed not to phase her and I knew from the past not to beg/plead/and cry as it will only ruin things more.. Yet I didn't just LET her go, she knew I was crushed. So we talk for about 10 minutes she said I will always have a such an important spot in her heart for the love we shared and my beautiful should and being so so giving. I then left and she said talk to you soon, and I said have a good one. I left and knew about NC after coming on here the night before and promised myself to start it. She texted me right after I left and said "I want you to know how important you will always be for the love we share/shared, its important that you know that, I never texted back since she just told me all that, and then she sent it again asking if I received it. I didn't reply and that was all September 10th. Today marks 7 weeks and its been a wild ride. I spoke to her sister the day of the breakup and she didn't even know about the issue (she's 30) they would always speak when theirs a big situation like this. She said wow I can't believe it, and so on. She said I know she's my little sister but told me I have so much to offer with good looks, school, my new career, and how giving I was, and that maybe she took me for granted. I wish I spoke to friends about any of this, but I had none at the time and she kept it all bottled in. Maybe an outside perspective would have really changed things, now that I tell a couple of friends this story they are like WTF HOW DO YOU MISS HER? I guess I can see where they are coming from, but I always say "I love her, you don't understand the good times we do have though." The first couple of weeks were complete hell, couldn’t eat, cried a lot, real estate was impossible, you name it and I was in the same boat as NC people seem to be in. I just couldn’t stop thinking of her. I started to realize I think I am missing a girl that is no longer here, the girl in the first year or so, who was so into me, caring, and a beautiful soul and we wanted the same goals to help people around the world, while being artists, and having good careers. I couldn’t even be myself towards the end because I was getting so judged, meanwhile she had gained 20 pounds since I met her, let herself go, had nothing going on, but I don’t know, I just looked at her beautiful heart and just loved her for, her. 100%. Just to update you I'm 25, she's turning 20 in a couple of months. Well anyways, It’s 7 weeks now, neither of us have social networks, she has 1 best friend and thats it, who is busy and has a boyfriend. My ex has no money to even really go out, and doesn’t have her own car. So it doesn’t feel like a “GIGS time to party thing” I guess she just has her own problems and also just fell out of love? Really just sucks because I feel like the good guys finishes last, we both deleted out networks because she saw all the girls after me and I saw the guys after her so way earl in the relationship we deleted them because we didn’t need/care for them. Did I just get a girl with some personal battles? Is she just too young? She clearly has some issues but it even hurts to say that on a forum because I was always just their to help her and would never ever judge her. Just sucks, the copious amount of money I spent on her/us on trips, dinners, bought a new car so we had freedom (I was in-between cars when we met) just the whole 9 yards. I regret nothing, just feels like the nice guy finishes last again :/ she really loved me and I know it, I guess she just had her battles and couldn’t handle it anymore. I am curious what she’s doing, she has her parents shared cars, she interns 4 days a week, and thats it. No friends, no nothing else, feels insecure to go out sometimes. I guess I wonder so much but can’t do anything. Its almost like she forgot I want to backpack, I also want to volunteer, I also want to experience things, but why should I have to talk someone into believing I want the same things too!? I even became obsessed with electronic music that she introduced me to and now I listen even more that were broken up and started to go see more music at clubs, I almost just wish she knew I was doing that and didn't just do it for her, we really do have so many common grounds! But I guess that can develop with anyone.. I realized if she came back I couldn’t ever accept it, maybe one day, but the trust is zero and going cold turkey to break it off like that after over 2 years of not missing a day of speaking just floored me. I had a big turning point last week and I feel like I almost jumped a huge step, I don’t think about her quite as much, Im a bit emotional righting this but feels good in the same token. I really am starting to almost feel more disrespected and better without her, and accepting I may never hear from her again and it took 6 weeks to come to that mindset which I’m pretty proud of. I just started rekindling some old friend ships, dropped a lot of body fats and feeling really lean and building muscle, I started DJing something I wanted to try, bought a road bike, take Skype Japanese lessons, Im trying it all guys! Sorry for the book I wrote, just so important to me to even attempt to tell you everything in a summary. Any feedback, comments, are greatly appreciated. One love everybody- Lets get through this together. (: Edited October 29, 2015 by positivityonly
Draper Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Hey friend, I can kind of relate to you in the sense that I too gave my all to a girl who I now consider to be unstable (she had some depression/anxiety, was medicated as well), only to have her walk away with essentially no explanation. You said it feels like the nice guy finishes last again.. I can certainly relate to that feeling. It's been about 7 or 8 weeks of NC for me as well, but I've come to believe that we aren't finishing last. The girls who threw it away are the ones who finish last, because they left good men and some day they will come to regret that decision. We aren't finishing last, these girls did us a favour by leaving because the fact of the matter is, you deserve to be treated far better than your ex treated you, just as I deserve better than how mine treated me. Another girl, one who will treat us they we treat them and respect us, stands to reap the benefits of this situation. Our ex's gave up on us, that's their problem. We can't be stuck living and dying with the results of their poor choices and actions. You sound like your doing well, good on you. Myself, I've just been sticking to my NC - started going to the gym again 4-5 times per week, try to get out on weekends and meet people, and focus more on my school (University). I truly believe that one day I will look back and be somewhat thankful for the pain i feel now, because I know I'll be better and stronger when it finally goes away. I was a great man for my ex, but I'll be an even better one for the next girl and I do take some comfort in that. Stay strong, you aren't alone.
makemineamac Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 This is a terrible situation that will likely never be fully explained to you and that's unfortunate, as you seem like a really nice guy who looked after her and had her best interests at heart. Letting people emotionally abuse us though, yes it happens to us guys too, really doesn't speak well to us showing strength as men or as individuals. Even though we know we are not responding appropriately to these negative words they are casting at us, we feel like we are doing it for their benefit. Anyway, it doesn't sound like there was anything here to me that you could have done differently, and you treated her well and with respect. The only thing I think it could be is that you met when she was so young that maybe she lacked the necessary emotional depth to have the relationship grow past a certain point. I admire you for your administration of a strong NC plan and sticking to it. The is a great book about the Nice Guy Syndrome, not saying it applies to you but it might be worth a read. I read it and now have to implement what I'v learned. No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books Wish you nothing but the best. Move forward, move on. You're doing it.
Author positivityonly Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 Draper, Thanks for the reply buddy. I read your post a couple times earlier today actually, really spoke to me. I really agree with you, I almost feel bad with how many plans I have been making for the next couple months as far as concerts and trips, THEY are missing out not US. It's very true. Let them be, we've got this my man. I'm always on here if you need to talk or anything. Make, Thanks sir. Sure does feel like culmination of maybe immaturity/age, her issues, medication, and even some gigs or whatever. I appreciate the reply and going to check the link now. NC was insane in the beginning but it truly only gets easier and easier. Always feels like it'll never end and there is no light at the bed of the tunnel. I'm starting to see some light. Thanks guys. Will keep updating. Sorry for any typos, on my phone.
Draper Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 Draper, Thanks for the reply buddy. I read your post a couple times earlier today actually, really spoke to me. I really agree with you, I almost feel bad with how many plans I have been making for the next couple months as far as concerts and trips, THEY are missing out not US. It's very true. Let them be, we've got this my man. I'm always on here if you need to talk or anything. Thanks mate, Ha, if you read the early posts in my thread you will see I was in pretty rough shape when I first signed up here It gets a little better almost everyday, though, I'll have the odd day of feeling down for the most part I can see progress. You're educated, you seem driven, you have a great life ahead of you. As you say, it's her loss that she won't be enjoying that with you. Time to put the past in the past, for both of us. Cheers!
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