Temporary Break-up question (plus many tangents)

[handi]

Hi,

So the first two paragraphs are observations, then I ask my question (you can skip to the question)

 

I was doing some reading about people who cheat and how girls who go back to boys who cheat typically over analyze everything and essentially wait for the dude to cheat again. I think I get why this is common. my brother once helped me understand why I shouldn't be upset when a guy rejected my offer to be more than friends with him. He told me that girls often store their self-worth entirely in the guy's hand. So, upon being rejected, if I knew my self worth then it would not hurt as badly and I wouldn't question whether I was enough for him or anyone. In my eyes he was a good standard, and in my head, all else was equal and his need to go to med school didn't matter

 

Anyway, girls who go back to analyze do so in order to find out if their going back to the adulterer had any impact on his behavior. Obviously if you're an adulterer you're mind won't suddenly change for some girl. I mean, that's another flaw all of us have.. we think we're special and unique. And although we might be amazing people and worth more than what any scumbag can offer, our situation is not unique nor is it special. We go back for validation.. and we don't get it.

 

and here i am.. about to analyze what could be easily marked as a two month fling.. but i'm special and unique!!

 

enjoy

 

___

 

Preface: I am/was dating a guy I met through a dating app. We met, it wasn't really special, but he was cool and after some time together we really started to like each other. We do not have so much in common, but somehow we work out. Anyway I totally snooped (i know, i've never done it before.. and I'm not experienced with relationships in general so my curiosity took over) The dating app site was on his laptop and I go through and see that he was talking to a few girls and even tried to meet up with one of them. This was close to a month after we started seeing each other. We were exclusive by then. Before then, I remember telling him I went on a date with another guy since we weren't exclusive, and it was cool.. Anyway, since then I felt a little pissed (I know he technically didn't cheat or at least he says he didn't) but at the time I felt like he did. It was a month, so I was like okay that's cool, peace out. But the problem was that I didn't feel like I got closure from the argument, I kept insisting that he explain himself and he tried his best (at the time I didn't think it was enough, then I accounted for the fact that english isn't his first language, and he was really trying to explain) Basically he was like, we didn't meet and when I said what were you planning, he was like 'i don't know, i didn't think that far.. probably coffee and walk..' so holding on to this statement, I became paranoid.. and clingy. I have never been so annoying in my life, haha. I can't believe he put up with it. Basically we fought like all the time because I didn't trust him. His sexy accent made me want to remotely access his phone but he put up with it.. he also avoided conflict as much as possible even though we did get through some stuff.. mind you this is like two months in. I know. this is insane. I feel like a 15 yr old.. but in terms of relationship experience, I am a 15 year old. Btw, we're both students so being together all the time is plausible.

 

Moving on, So I finally started trusting him because we went through quite a bit of like constantly being together - which led to some understanding and then to arguments, and the eventual break up. It moved so fast and we fought until we were like **** this. It's like we were each others' supply of endless heroin (this is why i avoided relationships until now, at 24).

 

So getting to the point of the post: I met this guy's friends within a few weeks of dating him, and things were pretty good, they really liked me (and still do), but the fights which were a result of always being together, broke us up. Technically I threated breaking up.. rather, I asked if he wanted to see other people, and he responded no, but the last time he was like 'it's over' and I respond by saying don't do anything stupid we'll talk in a week. He's like, nah, I'm going to get drunk and do whatever (pretty much his exact words).. so the paranoia set in and i was like you little punk, I just started feels for you again. And he's like 'no response'..

this punk ass -_-...

 

So I was tutoring his friend in calc (yeah, I'm actually not so dumb in the real world.. hah), and he mentioned that he heard about the fight and my boyfie told himthat it was a pretty bad argument but he thinks we'll get back together. Even though we haven't spoken since..

 

Now, sad lonely me is like :D .. but then the rational thinking me is like, no.. let's not fail at everything else in life because this guy is making you feel some type of way. We both have baggage, and we're not in great places emotionally, but I think he's something special for me.. in the short time we have known each other, he has helped me work on a few deeply rooted emotional issues that manifested themselves in my behavior when I was upset or uncomfortable about something. if we were to get back together it wouldn't be the worst. I have to try to learn how to spend time apart from someone I kind of care about a lot. I can't be so dependent on him or anyone for emotional support, but I am so burned out from school and a ton of family issues.

 

I'm trying to force myself to start a hobby or make friends. I'm in a new city for grad school, and new boyfriends in new cities seem like a good idea, but that also means less friends to distract you. I have two solid friends. Anyway, the freaking question after all this bs is:

 

As objectively as possible, would you try again with someone like this? I left stuff out and this story is comprised of random bits, but I am interested in group perspectives. Once you respond if I think I need to clarify, I will do so.

 

Thanks homies

[handi]

oh, this might be in the wrong section. i just saw there's a second chance forum.. but i mean this is a problem that can be in either.

[PegNosePete]

As objectively as possible, would you try again with someone like this?

No. But then there is very little that would make me "try again" with anyone. When a relationship ends, it ends for a reason. If that reason is not resolved then trying again is an exercise in futility.

 

You say you broke up due to lots of fights as a result of always being together. Do you think things would be different this time around? Have either of you changed?

[handi]

When I was around him constantly I became really attached.. so from the attached girlfriend to who I am now, I would say yes I changed.. but really I just went back to normal.. the normal me that got along with the normal him.

 

He texted me today asking to talk.. it's been the first time he's contacted since the break up. I had an exam today, so Im thinking he waited until after I was no longer busy/stressed. I kind of want to work on this, but I am unsure if it is worth it. as you you said, we broke up for a reason..