Should I end it? Feeling lost

[Cavendish]

I'm feeling really lost and am very much hoping for a bit of advice

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. We have had a good relationship, generally. Admittedly, I've never felt a sense that he is 'the one', but for the most part, I've felt we've had a good thing going on.

 

However, more recently, I have got myself into a funk where I am not sure the relationship has a future. I'm getting irritated and upset easily, we're having petty arguments that drain me, and as a result, I'm starting to have some doubts.

 

I tend to overthink things and am very analytical, and for the past 3 months, I've kept a daily journal on how I'm feeling, and whether I felt positive about the relationship each day. For about a quarter of the days (so 1 in 4, roughly) I have felt negative about the relationship. This might be because I feel really upset after an argument, I'm irritated by his behaviour, or I just feel a bit lacklustre about being with him.

 

He's my first proper boyfriend so I don't know really how much uncertainty/hardship is normal. People say that relationships are hard, so I'm not sure if this is a normal level of difficulty, or if we're just a bit bad for each other. I'd have thought that feeling negative a quarter of the time is not good for a relationship at this stage. We don't live together, we're newly together, we don't have children, we're in our mid-20s - this should probably be a relationship at its easiest and most exciting.

 

Importantly, he is such a great guy. He is kind, loving and attentive and has not treated me badly or done anything wrong. Often I get upset about things because I am quite sensitive, and am worrying more generally about the relationship, rather than him behaving in a way that is genuinely upsetting. The things that cause difficulties between us are mainly due to the fact that we are quite different. Essentially, I'm very organised and plan a lot and he's very scatty and spontaneous. This can mean that, as he's messy and forgetful, we clash quite a lot because I get annoyed at feeling like his mother. I think this is compounded by my overthinking and fearing how problematic our different natures would be if we were to get married/have children etc.

 

So basically, I'm just desperate for any advice on what I should do. Does this sound like a normal, sometimes-difficult relationship worth fighting for, or something more concerning? What proportion of the time do you think healthy happy couples should find things tough? Is a quarter of the time too much for a relationship at this stage?

 

Finally, do you think it's possible to get back on track with a relationship once the seed of doubt has been planted, or is it a bit of a vicious cycle once these thoughts have begun?

 

Any thoughts would be such a huge help. I'm scared of walking away from a good thing (I do love him and think he is an amazing person) but equally am worried I might be staying in a relationship that doesn't always make me that happy.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Els]

Could you provide some concrete examples of things he does that makes you feel upset? It's a bit difficult to tell whether you're overreacting or whether you're both genuinely incompatible without knowing what you are getting upset about.

 

That being said, in your situation 1:3 is a pretty unsatisfactory ratio of bad:good days. I might be okay with that for a temporary period of time where external stressors are high, but not over the long term. However I would not consider 1.5 years to be 'newly together' - typically the honeymoon phase is over by that point and you're starting to learn about the person you are truly with.

 

Also, it concerns me that you say you have 'never' felt keen about him. Have you ever felt that way about anyone else before, even if it was unreciprocated? You can't just make yourself feel attracted to someone, so IMO this is the biggest issue. If you're not attracted to him for whatever reason and never have been, now is the best time to walk, when you are not living together/married yet and have no children.

[Cavendish]

In terms of examples, our arguments are always quite petty – it’s never anything big but they happen with enough frequency that they can really affect how I feel.

 

A example from this week is that I put together a plan for a trip we’d chatted about, and he was very negative about it (suggesting it was too many days, too expensive etc) which upset me as I didn’t think he appreciated all the effort I’d gone to. His argument was that he didn’t ask me to do the research and if I had given him an opportunity to have more input we could have made sure I was on the same page. I totally appreciated his side of the story, definitely, but I just feel like my fundamental nature (being organised/planning etc) is unappreciated by him, and I find that difficult.

 

Basically, I have got it into my head that our different approaches to life (I take comfort in organisation, he takes comfort in chaos) is a problem, and so I find that it constantly gets to me. I get upset with him for being late, leaving it too long to call/text, changing arrangements last minute, forgetting things – all things that are just features of his personality type.

 

Whenever I talk to my friends about it I get the generic ‘oh, that’s men for you’ type of response, which is really unhelpful. I admit that I am a sensitive person and that our relationship would run smoother if I didn’t get upset so easily, but it’s hard to know if I need to work harder at being tolerant, or if I need to find a boyfriend I’m better suited to. I don’t want to be critical of him and make him feel bad, but he can always tell if I’m a bit upset (I’m quite low key about it – we never have angry, explosive fights).

 

In terms of how I feel about him, I’ve never been in love before him so I’ve definitely never cared for somebody as. The attraction is there most of the time, it’s just compromised when we’re bickering all the time. When things are good, I look at him and there’s nobody in the world I think is better looking or more fun to be around. But when things are testing, I just feel resentment.

 

I think the difficulty is that I don’t have the benchmark of a previous relationship to judge how normal these problems are. He does (admittedly, a seemingly toxic one) and thinks we’re great together, but I think he has a slightly different experience of us as he is very relaxed and rarely feels upset by things I do. I’m not expecting some sort of fairytale, I just have a gut feeling that relationships shouldn’t be quite this challengning But then anyone looking in would see a kind, funny, adoring man who thinks the world of me that I’d be crazy to lose!

[EricaH329]

It sounds to me like the resentment is building due to the feeling of being unappreciated. I, like you, value my time and am very organized. However, i've found that simply communicating this with your partner can really work wonders.

 

It seems to me like the both of you need to have a good talk, and communicate with eachother what the other person needs from the other. No arguing, no debating, simply listen and understand eachothers needs. It'll take some work, but if you are both dedicated to eachother then the two of you will compromise and make it happen.

 

Contrary to what you believe - in my opinion - you're at the stage in your relationship (about a year, year and a half) where things start to get tested. Perhaps you don't feel like he's 'the one' right now because of everything that's going on. Maybe (hopefully) after you guys sit down and express your needs, things will get better and you'll be able to - then - accurately assess whether or not you'd like things to continue.

[J21]

One of my best friends is married and he's a very spontaneous kind of guy--like your bf. His wife on the other hand, is like you, very plan oriented and doesn't like to deviate from outside the box.

 

It took work, but they get along fine and happily married.

 

If you truly love the guy, I think it's something that can be worked on. But that's something you're gonna have to figure out--how much do you love him to really want to put in the work.

 

And not to spoil your idea of "the one" but that's hollywood BS. There isn't just THE ONE person in this world for us, there are varying levels of compatibilities.

Edited October 29, 2015 by J21

[Els]

A example from this week is that I put together a plan for a trip we’d chatted about, and he was very negative about it (suggesting it was too many days, too expensive etc) which upset me as I didn’t think he appreciated all the effort I’d gone to. His argument was that he didn’t ask me to do the research and if I had given him an opportunity to have more input we could have made sure I was on the same page. I totally appreciated his side of the story, definitely, but I just feel like my fundamental nature (being organised/planning etc) is unappreciated by him, and I find that difficult.

 

Well, IMO this isn't a huge deal - I don't mean to diminish your feelings about it, because I can definitely understand how it would be frustrating, but it's one of those things that can be resolved (or alternatively lived with). My suggestion would be that you two work out a deal - either you both sit down together and plan the trip, or if he doesn't want to then you can do it but you don't want to hear negativity from him AFTER the fact.

 

Basically, I have got it into my head that our different approaches to life (I take comfort in organisation, he takes comfort in chaos) is a problem, and so I find that it constantly gets to me. I get upset with him for being late, leaving it too long to call/text, changing arrangements last minute, forgetting things – all things that are just features of his personality type.

How often is he late, changes arrangements at last minute etc? Does he agree to meet up with you and then forget? That WOULD be pretty bad.

 

I think the difficulty is that I don’t have the benchmark of a previous relationship to judge how normal these problems are. He does (admittedly, a seemingly toxic one) and thinks we’re great together, but I think he has a slightly different experience of us as he is very relaxed and rarely feels upset by things I do. I’m not expecting some sort of fairytale, I just have a gut feeling that relationships shouldn’t be quite this challengning But then anyone looking in would see a kind, funny, adoring man who thinks the world of me that I’d be crazy to lose!

Well, I don't think you should stay JUST because you think other people would think that if you left. Do what is best for you.

 

But I also think that some modern cultures implant this expectation that everything has to be 100% perfect, otherwise you should just dump the person and run. I don't agree with this, because nobody is perfect, not even ourselves. There has to be a limit to what we will tolerate, of course, but expecting perfection is really not the way to go in relationships.

 

Have you talked to him about your feelings re: the relationship? If you're attracted to him and vice versa, he shows that he loves you and cares for you, and there are no major dealbreakers, then I think it's worth trying to improve things.

[EricaH329]

And to add onto what Elswyth said - Perhaps some of the things you do make him frustrated too? To prevent that, make sure you go into the discussion you have with him with an open mind, and knowing there will be compromises made on your end as well.