unicorn40020 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 I have been seeing my current (and first boyfriend) for 8 months now. Things have been pretty good most of the time. we have so much in common, we have fun together and have a similar sense of humor, we don't often fight and we get along well. the only time we really had a big problem was when he broke up with me a few months ago because he thought he didnt love me anymore, but he immediately took me back because he realized he was wrong. he suffers from ocd and we had barely seen each other in over a month so i think his feelings got confused, but this really hurt me. but after a while our relationship was back on track. here is the problem. he doesn't act how he used to. I notice the slightest changes over how people act towards people. it especially doesn't help that I also have ocd and an anxiety disorder so I obsess over the smallest things and stress out and convince myself that he doesn't love me. he still tells me he loves me, not often but usually everynight before he goes to bed. but he never shows me. we dont hang out as much as we used to, we used to hang out everyday but now he is super busy with school so we only hang out once or maybe twice a week so maybe that's why things are different. sometimes i feel like he treats me as a friend. but he used to just act more in love with me. he had mentioned living with me when we grow old, and he would always look into my eyes with a romantic look. he would call me cute and pretty and we would make out more (lol that sounds cheesy) and he just seemed to care more. he doesnt make as much of an effort to talk to me either. Now he isnt romantic with me and never compliments me. i want him to make me feel pretty but he never tells me if i look good. He doesnt seem to care quite as much about alone time and sex either. I usually initiate conversations over text, which is usually fine knowing how busy he is. He still tells me he loves me but with my anxiety and ocd i constanly question it. I love him so much and cant bare the fact of thinking about life without him or him with someone else. when we hang out, it is really fun and i do want to be with him but i cant help but always get stressed out because of these little changes. so my question to you guys is your opinion. i love him so much and i dont want to break up with him but i dont know if he genuienly cares. is this a normal thing to happen within almost a year of a relationship? is this something we should work on and talk about or is it a bigger issue?
Author unicorn40020 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Posted October 29, 2015 Im not sure if im totally overreacting, I was in the middle of a lot of anxiety and i wasnt thinking straight and now re reading this im wondering if im overreacting...
hippychick3 Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Sweetie, you need to step waaaay back. Stop initiating texts or calls to him, stop asking for reassurance, and start living your life outside this relationship. Find hobbies, new friends, old friends, volunteering, etc. Make yourself busy not just to be busy but to add to your life so you're not obsessing over this guy who is probably feeling smothered and/or apathetic. It's not his role to constantly reassure you. You need to find it within yourself to know that your are worthy and valuable despite what he says or does. Let him pursue you and initiate the contact more. Men are more attracted to women who are confident, know their own self-worth, and have a life outside of them.
Guyouthere Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 honeymoon phase of your relationship has passed, and reality has set in. I noticed the last girl I was with also started to change some, or rather more of her personality came out, and it wasn't good. Also, I began to realize and understand more about what I saw, and that made a difference. Call it gut instinct.
PegNosePete Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Are you (both) getting your OCD treated? I know first hand what a killer that can be to any relationship. The usual advice is basically a re-wording of "snap out of it", but that's probably the worst advice to give an OCD sufferer. You're unable to stop obsessing, being unable makes you feel worse, which makes you obsess more...
froz Posted October 29, 2015 Posted October 29, 2015 Yes I would look into the OCD issue before anything else.
Author unicorn40020 Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 Are you (both) getting your OCD treated? I know first hand what a killer that can be to any relationship. The usual advice is basically a re-wording of "snap out of it", but that's probably the worst advice to give an OCD sufferer. You're unable to stop obsessing, being unable makes you feel worse, which makes you obsess more... no I should probably get it treated but I'm not
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 no I should probably get it treated but I'm not Have either you or your BF actually been officially diagnosed with the condition? There's a big difference between someone saying they have OCD (I often 'say' I have - in fact, everyone has an element of it!) and actually being diagnosed medically with definitely having the condition.... If you definitely have it, I would address that as the probable basis for much of your issues. If you had a sprained wrist, would you ignore it? No. Get something done. 'Probably should' isn't being fair to either him OR you. And the same goes for him.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 OP, have you and your boyfriend both been diagnosed with OCD? You say you're not in treatment (why not?) but is he? If you haven't been formally diagnosed, please don't label yourself with this condition. If you have, you would be wise to get into treatment so you can learn to manage your symptoms and lead a more fulfilling and calm life. When someone tells you they don't love you, listen. That is not some little blip - that's a big indication of his underlying feelings. Your uncomfortable and inscure feelings aren't all down to anxiety here. He gave you a darn good reason to be wary. Listen to your gut. Look. the honeymoon stage is apparently over. Take a huge step back and see if he initiates and makes plans to see you. If he doesn't. you need to end it. Also, you need to develop your life apart from him too. Making him the centre of your world isn't healthy in any case, and particularly not when he's been wishy-washy before.
PegNosePete Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 It's all good saying to get it diagnosed but that in itself can be incredibly difficult. My ex had OCD. Pure obsessional, and pretty severe. She couldn't hold down a job, couldn't even leave the house some days. But the state of the mental health system meant that she never got the treatment she needed, she just kept going round in circles. It was pretty clear to me, and to her, that she had pure O-OCD, but getting the damn doctors to acknowledge this was a very steep uphill struggle. She hardly ever saw the same doctor twice, and each doctor seemed to have a different opinion on what was wrong. None of them ever actually gave her a diagnosis at all. They all just said some vague anxiety issue and stuck her on a different type of pills. Eventually the relationship blew up because neither of us could cope. Get it treated.
EricaH329 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 When someone tells you they don't love you, listen. That is not some little blip - that's a big indication of his underlying feelings. Your uncomfortable and inscure feelings aren't all down to anxiety here. He gave you a darn good reason to be wary. Listen to your gut. I agree with this. Love is a powerful enough emotion to know when you are feeling it. Breaking up with a person doesn't make you 'realize' you actually did love them. I'd have a conversation about this with him. Ask him if he really does love you, as opposed to just missing you and not wanting to be without you. I do agree with another poster in regards to the honeymoon phase being over. However, that said - i'd still communicate with your boyfriend about your insecurities. Tell him you've noticed a change, and ask why. Speaking to him about these things, in addition to us, will give you much more information.
Author unicorn40020 Posted October 30, 2015 Author Posted October 30, 2015 Have either you or your BF actually been officially diagnosed with the condition? There's a big difference between someone saying they have OCD (I often 'say' I have - in fact, everyone has an element of it!) and actually being diagnosed medically with definitely having the condition.... If you definitely have it, I would address that as the probable basis for much of your issues. If you had a sprained wrist, would you ignore it? No. Get something done. 'Probably should' isn't being fair to either him OR you. And the same goes for him. yes we have both been diagnosed... mine is a little more severe than his.
PegNosePete Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 I agree with this. Love is a powerful enough emotion to know when you are feeling it. Breaking up with a person doesn't make you 'realize' you actually did love them. Unless you have OCD. That changes everything. Ask him if he really does love you, as opposed to just missing you and not wanting to be without you. Asking that question to someone with OCD will likely cause them to obsess about it for days and days, making their doubts even greater and making the entire situation much worse. Good advice that would normally be given, can be terribly distressing for sufferers of mental disorders.
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 30, 2015 Posted October 30, 2015 yes we have both been diagnosed... mine is a little more severe than his. Then have a talk with him. Just explain you believe your OCD is becoming unmanageable, and you're going to speak to your Doctor about coping/handling strategies. But insofar as working on the relationship, this is something you both have to do together, and if he's not feeling it, then it's by no means certain (certainly not within the scope of our knowledge) that this is down to anything psychological on his part. The sad truth MAY be that he's just not feeling it in the same way he did. The OCD is possibly clouding the issue; it may even be clouding his reasoning. But sadly, that's something YOU can't fix. Certainly not on your own; and if he doesn't see anything to fix, then.... Go see your Doctor, hun. You owe it to yourself to be able to deal with things head on, without this condition blurring the edges and making things more complicated....
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